


Trouble Sleeping

by ImBeautifullyHuman



Series: Trouble Sleeping [1]
Category: Hunger Games (2012), Hunger Games (2012) RPF, Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Canon Related, F/M, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, Healing, Loss, Loss of Virginity, Love Confessions, Mental Instability, Spiritual, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-26
Updated: 2013-02-19
Packaged: 2017-11-26 23:37:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 107,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/655648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImBeautifullyHuman/pseuds/ImBeautifullyHuman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peeta Mellark returns home after the war, a damaged man, hoping to rekindle a relationship with the love of his life. He's sorely disappointed when she's unresponsive. Having had enough of waiting for Katniss, he takes his life into his own hands. This is my version of what happened pre-epilogue, with a few non-canon tweaks. Rated M for sexual exploration in later chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Trouble Sleeping

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional writer. I do not own the Hunger Games trilogy or its wonderful characters, but wish I did. If I did, I'd have gotten rid of Snow and united our heroes a lot sooner. But, that's why Suzanne Collins is a rich woman and I'm writing fanfic! So, I'll just opt to finish the story my way . In a perfect world, we could overcome oppression and all retire to the countryside with a Peeta Mellark by our sides. Since that's not likely to happen, we will retell this story over and over again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Peeta reflects. Peeta's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1 is inspired by Trouble Sleeping By Corrinne Bailey Rae

Her piercing screams fill the night air. I lie there motionless. Not because I don't care. At times I care too much. I place  _her_  happiness and safety above my own. I'm tired and weary from the last year of hell I've been living. I'm dead inside and feel I have nothing left to give. I've lost most of what was near and dear to me and have received little in return from my country or my so called friends. I've sacrificed my body, my childhood, my innocence, my mind, my entire family. Of all those losses, the loss that aches the most…is the loss of  _her_.

I want to go to her and hold her, to offer myself up as the punching bag she so obviously needs. They've taken so much from us, I'm starting to believe there is no  _recovery point_ , as Dr. Aurelius puts it. I lie there as I try to process where her screams are coming from. Her bedroom window? Outside in the street? My dreams?

Dreams is a misnomer. Nightmares. Terrible nightmares. The ones about her always have a shiny quality to them, because of the hijacking. The worst ones are associated with the memories they tampered with. In these, I usually have my hands wrapped around her mutt throat as I try to squeeze the life out of her... _it_...before  _it_  kills again. Waking up to these usually means a bad day ahead for me. The effects show on my face, in my mood as I become irritable, sullen and angry. My normal self becomes the watcher instead of the actor as I move more slowly and become prone to more flashbacks.

I prefer the visions that I can actually call 'dreams'; the ones that aren't shiny. In these, we're together in the cave or on the beach. They're usually about the times when she kissed me genuinely. Not because we were putting on a show, or because she was trying to save me or pull me out of an episode. Sometimes we're years into the future with kids, a home and a normal life. These dreams keep me going and hoping that there could be more for us. I dream of the actual kisses we shared, but the dreams have a way of embellishing on what really  _did_  happen. The kisses usually go further and deeper than they had in reality and often involve the removal of clothing and the shedding of innocence. It's all I have of her:  _fantastical versions of the truth_. Some good. Some bad.

I'd saved myself for her. This was a conscious decision I made in middle school, after I'd been in love with her for years already. Back then I had every intention of someday approaching her, maybe in high school, I thought. But, the reaping solved all of that, in both good and bad ways. I knew that any other girl besides her would have been a consolation prize and that wouldn't be fair to anyone.

I'd watched my mother for years struggle against the knowledge that she was not my father's first choice. I watched him, out of guilt, try to make it work when his heart wasn't in it. She became angrier and more violent, taking it out on us kids. He just died inside and became a very passive man. This was not going to be my fate. I would not do that to another person. I decided that if Katniss was not going to love me back, I'd just have to suffer until I no longer loved her.

I didn't want that, but was powerless to do anything about it. I learned to please myself as I imagined us together. That's what I was doing tonight when her screaming began. My arrested development has been a major factor in my still behaving like a hormonal teenaged boy, even at 19. Getting reaped into the Games at the age of 16 has a way of making teenage angst and desires seem insignificant! I'm still waiting for my life to begin.

Everything that has happened since I was sent into the arena has been a whirlwind. My life before was not easy. In fact it was hell, but it was a hell I was used to. Since then my existence has been mostly about survival. Not the kind that makes you stretch grain rations from one Capitol-supplied subsidy to the next. No, I'm talking about the kind that makes you forget all else exists...except...staying...alive.

My vocabulary and inner dialogue have changed in the last couple of years to include words worthy of someone much older and with much more life experience. Survival. Death. Rebellion. War. Treatment. Recovery. I feel like I've spent most of the last 3 years in captivity; snatched away from what I knew and placed on display without any control over my life. There just wasn't much time to focus on physical pleasures like losing my virginity. There was no time to make plans for a normal life that included marrying the girl of my dreams and making her happy, ever after. That's for normal guys. And Peeta Mellark is far from normal.

I hear Katniss' screams again and realize that, this time at least, they come from the open window on the second floor of her house. We live in identical houses given to the Victors of the Games. The floor plans are mirror images of each other, so her bedroom window is just across from mine. At times I'm thankful for this. At other times I curse this coincidence. I don't sleep much so I make it my mission to watch out for her and make sure she doesn't attempt to jump from her bedroom window like she'd tried once before. When she isn't screaming in her sleep or attempting suicide, she simply sits and stares...at nothing. The rocking back and forth, mumbling and constantly fiddling with her disheveled clothing put a great deal of distance between her and the plucky girl I threw the bread to.

I look over at the clock and see that it's 4:30 AM. It's time to get up anyway, so I swing my legs over the side of my bed and plant them firmly on the floor. I stare down at my legs: one real, one prosthetic. I think about all the losses the people of the District have suffered and that motivates me to get up and keep moving forward. I'm not the only one who's broken. I take it one day at a time. Without those who depend on my for the food I provide, I'd probably be like Katniss. I add another couple of words to my vocabulary. Routine. Purpose. That's what Dr. Aurelius says.

I recall coming home from treatment, nervous about what seeing my demolished district would do to me. The Capitol-provided drugs helped a great deal in making me appear to be almost back to normal, but I was barely holding it together on the inside. I still had flashbacks, though they were no longer violent. While I was not an immediate threat to anyone, I was determined to wean myself off the pills. It sickened me every time I had to pop one of those little blue monsters to maintain my sanity. I still felt like a piece in their games, but I was determined to not go down without giving it my best fight.

I specifically requested from Dr. Aurelius that he not send me back to District 12 until there was absolutely no chance that I'd hurt her, or anyone, during one of my episodes. It took longer than I expected, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if anything happened to her at my hands. I've made some progress. Now my flashbacks make me appear as if I'm zoning out. I get lost in the visions but I don't act on them. To others, it looks like I'm daydreaming, or maybe having a mild seizure as my breathing becomes shallow and halted. Those close to me recognize the signs and just remain quiet until it passes. Except for her. She hardly notices that I'm even alive.

When I arrived from my stint in treatment at the Capitol, I was so naïve and full of hope. I wanted to celebrate how much I'd overcome. I wanted to show her that I'd beaten it and I wanted her to celebrate with me. I'd hoped that we'd eventually find our way back to each other and thumb our noses at the war mongers, child killers, dictators and pimps. I'd learned in treatment, from watching the old tapes of the Games, that there was a certain look she had when she looked at me. I memorized that look in her eyes. I fantasized and dreamt about it. The way she pounded on the door when the doctors were trying to revive me in the first arena. The way she'd crumbled when my heart stopped in the second arena. The look on her face...just before I tried to kill her. I hoped I'd find out where those feelings were hidden. I expected that it would take time. I was patient and could wait. I'd waited most of my life, hadn't I?  _I'm still waiting._

The first night back, I decided she needed a little light in her world. Her house was so plain and desolate...devoid of life. I felt sorry for her. So I went into the woods and dug up the bushes that shared the name of the person she loved most in life. The one for whom she'd risked it all, to no avail. The one who'd died in spite of her sacrifices. I planted them outside her window, only to be interrupted by a ghost of a woman that looked a lot like Katniss Everdeen. The Victor had been conquered. The Girl On Fire had been snuffed out. The Mockingjay no longer sang.

She was still just as beautiful as I'd remembered, but she'd seen better days. Her hair was unkempt and matted to her head. She looked like she hadn't showered in weeks. Her nails were dirty and ragged as if she'd been biting them constantly. Her lips were chapped to the point of bleeding. Her clothes hung on her too thin frame like burlap bags. I could deal with all of this. What scared me were the  _eyes_. Her eyes, the ones that captivated me and made me fall head over hills in love with her, were piercing and vacant. She looked at me as if she stared at some point beyond me, to some point behind my eyes or over my shoulder. Her eyes darted about as if looking for signs of danger. Her gaze didn't bother to connect with what it took in. She simply gasped, turned around and ran back inside her home. I could hear the click of the lock after she closed the door.

Of course, I knew then why she reacted the way she did. I had contributed to that blank stare. I was just one of the many disappointments she had to shoulder in life. I remember her eyes and how full of love they were when she found out I'd been rescued from the Capitol...just before I tried to choke her. That love was replaced by shock and fear when my thumbs closed over her delicate throat. She was so small and frail, not at all like the vicious mutt I'd been conditioned to expect. Yet, all I wanted to do was to watch the life drain from her eyes. The shock and fear on her face were almost as satisfying as watching her die would have been. It took weeks of conversations with her little sister to convince me that we actually did care for each other at some point. I didn't protest being thrown, virtually untrained, into the battle zone. I wanted to die anyway. And if I happened to take her with me, at least we'd both be out of our misery. What I was unprepared for was the look of pure disappointment mixed with longing and pity that dominated her face all those days on the battle front. She looked at me almost as if I'd died instead of simply lost my mind.

My decision to intervene and prevent her from choking on the nightlock pill was driven by an instinct, some muscle memory we built up when we once  _actually_  looked out for each other. Mutt Peeta was the watcher on that day. I saw those beautiful, sad eyes that carried the pain for everyone around her; everyone except herself. The death of her father, while it shook her, forced her into survival mode. But the loss of her sister, Primrose, broke her. All the life that expired before her was her undoing. She blamed herself and lost the ability to deal. I knew she wasn't crazy, unlike the others. I knew how her mind operated. She took responsibility. She didn't want to owe anyone anything. I loved her through it all: the fake romance, the arranged marriage, the make-believe pregnancy, her confusion about Gale, even my kidnapping and torture. All of it! Today, I'm lucky if I get a blank stare directed in my general direction. She won't talk to me. She mostly just looks right through me. At times, I wonder if it might've been better to let her take the nightlock. Instead I'm forced to look everyday upon the shell of the woman I love. I force-feed her  _hope_  just to watch her vomit it back up.

I still bring her fresh cheese buns every morning. And this morning will be no different. After getting dressed, I head downstairs to bake the dough I prepared the night before. This is my morning routine. I bake for everyone that has returned to the District and give it away until it runs out. The population is still sparse, but it grows every month, it seems. I work on the cleanup crew when I'm not baking. The destruction is massive and painful to face. I return home each night covered in dirt, grime and soot, wondering if it contains the ashes of my father, mother and brothers. We were far from being a perfect family, but they were all I had. I miss them terribly.

River Parabo, a former classmate of ours, heads the cleanup crew that I'm working on. Greasy Sae returned to the District with her granddaughter. She sells hot meals at what used to be the Hob, now called the Market, and gives them away to those who have no money. An old friend of Gale's, Thom, leads a redevelopment team focused on rebuilding the District. Gale's mom, Hazelle, returned with her younger children and cleans Haymitch's house for pay and tutors the children that returned with their parents. Gale has some fancy job with the new government and lives in District 2. No one in District 12 knows exactly what he does, but they're all proud of him because it's pretty important, giving our District recognition and some direct connection to our new government.

Sae and I make sure everyone has access to hot meals. Those who are inclined to do so can now gather and hunt freely in the woods; it's no longer illegal as Peacekeepers are a thing of the past. The police force is citizen-run and focuses mainly on safety. Those who have moved back are too focused on day-to-day survival to interest themselves in breaking laws. The citizens know this won't last, but are determined to make sure we don't return to the days of a brutal, autocratic police force. We take turns patrolling the town and we all look out for our neighbors.

Even Haymitch has found a purpose. He started out raising geese and discovered he has a knack for fowl farming. He recently expanded to chickens! Eggs are still a luxury because they have to get shipped by train. Sometimes they're addled when they arrive. So, Haymitch provides fresh eggs to the citizens. Because of my baking, I am one of his best customers.

Sae and I have taken care of Katniss since our return. This pretty much amounts to making sure she eats and bathes, taking mail out of the mailbox and making sure she doesn't hurt herself. She doesn't allow more than that. I visit practically every day, provided I'm not too worn out emotionally from cleanup.

On a good day, I get a blank stare.

"Why are you here?" she asks.

"Because I care about you and want you to get better."

"Why do you care about me?"

"Because that's what we do. We take care of each other."

I can't tell her what I really want to.  _I love you more than the air that I breathe. It's breaking me slowly to see you like this_. No, she's too fragile, always hovering once sentence away from completely shutting down emotionally. I want to tell her that I think maybe my presence is keeping her from making a full recovery. I'm a constant reminder of where all the pain started. The reaping. The berries. The betrothal. The rebellion. We're the result of what happens when hope wins but escapes with so many scars that it doesn't even look like hope anymore. At times she flinches or cries when I try to touch her or reach for her hand, so I don't. These days reduce me to my lowest level.

I want to tell her I'd marry her tomorrow if I could. I want to tell her that I'm afraid I'd make a terrible husband because I have one leg and a jacked-up mind. But I can't. She'd only blame herself and then things would get worse. So, I go through the motions and help with the recovery and smile for the cameras when required. But I'm breaking…slowly. I've  
started having stronger flashbacks. Though they're not violent yet, my nightmares grow more graphic and gruesome. She isn't getting any better. I'm getting worse. As I make up my mind to do what I need to do, I think of her relationship with her mother. She never really forgave her for disappearing, and I know she'll never be able to forgive me for what I'm about to do. She let herself love me and I failed her. I failed her in the worst possible way. I tried to kill her!

That's when I, Peeta Mellark, decide it's time to leave District 12. For her. For myself.


	2. Till It Happens To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Peeta just can't take it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 is inspired by Till It Happens To You by Corrinne Bailey Rae

**Peeta's POV**

I decide to not waste much time acting on my recent decision. I know that if I hesitate, I'll never be able to tear myself away. I already feel the lump in my throat at the thought of not seeing her every day. Even the shell of her former self is better than no Katniss at all. But, something has to give or I'll drown in sorrow. I can't continue to waste away longing for what could've been.

I head over to Katniss' place to find that Sae is already there and has prepared breakfast. Haymitch is seated at the table, looking more sober than he ever has. Raising fowl really agrees with him. It gives him something to focus on. This is the morning ritual of my newly formed dysfunctional family. Katniss is in her usual spot staring blankly at a breakfast that's becoming cold fast. She doesn't even look up when I enter the room.

"Good morning" I say to everyone.

"Good morning, boy" Haymitch greets me.

I get, "Hey, Peeta" from Sae as her little granddaughter, Maya, runs and jumps into my arms with a squeal. I've always loved children and have hopes of becoming a father someday. I want to be as good a father as my own father was. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get that chance. I miss my dad terribly and have to fight off the tears welling up as I think of what I'm about to do to.

Haymitch lets out a loud burp and peers over his coffee cup at me. This makes me smile since I may not get this pleasure for much longer. Funny how you miss the most annoying things when you know you're about to leave someone. "Suzy Sunshine, here, may need to be force fed if she doesn't down that bacon in front of her." Katniss shoots him her signature blank stare.

When she turns to look at me, there's a vague sense of recognition in her eyes. "Back for more, I see."

I'm confused but curious. These encounters with her never turn out good. "Sorry?" I ask.

She makes a gesture around the table to all seated. "This," she continues. I still look at her, confused. "This...morbid...broken gathering of rebellion leftovers, Peeta. You know what I mean." The words roll off her tongue slowly and thickly.

I put my fork down and glare at her, ready for a confrontation. For the past year, she has been in two modes: anger and stupor. Today, I get a treat. Anger.

"Katniss..." The words are barely off my lips before I'm interrupted by her fist pounding on the table, startling everyone. Especially Maya.

"Stop pretending, Peeta! You are the only one of us who could be  _anywhere_  else but here. Why did you come back here? Why?" She glares at me with fire in her eyes. Part of me is sadistically pleased that she's at least showing some kind of emotion. The other part of me is crushed by her words and what they imply.

I glance up from my plate and lock eyes with her pleading with her,  _please don't do this now. Not now._

"I just don't give up on the people I care about," I'd hoped to sound sardonic and sarcastic. Instead, my voice cracks a little and I'm immediately pissed with myself. I've had enough.

"I obviously can't leave because I'm too fucking crazy and may go on a goddamned killing spree at any moment. Haymitch...has no one and nowhere to go." He directs a cautious gaze in her direction but I can see the hurtful reminders flicker behind his gray eyes. She continues her hateful rant. "Oh, don't look at me like that! I know looking after me was part of your Capitol deal so they'd continue to send you white liquor. And, Sae...is paid to take care of me."

"Katniss mean!" says Maya. Sae shushes her before turning to Katniss.

"Now, that's enough!" But, she doesn't stop.

"Why did you come back here? What deal did they make with you?" Now I'm pissed at the implication that I would use the aftermath of the rebellion to play games with people's lives. That's never been me. I take a deep breath.

"I don't make deals, Katniss. I do exactly what I want, when I want, where I want and for whom I want. I'm nobody's piece. I came back here because the ONLY people I care about are  _here_. You included. But, all I've gotten from you for the past year is self-destructive, unresponsive, depressing bullshit!" I stop for a breath to avoid the flashback I feel lingering just under my skin. I don't want to lose it in front of Maya, but I'm slipping. "My whole family is gone, for God's sake! Why would I subject myself to  _THIS_  for some deal? Seeing the remnants of my home and my family's  _ASHES_ , for God's sake, for some deal?"

A single tear rolls down her cheek in another rare show of emotion.

"Get out," she whispers and that's enough for me.

"Haymitch, can I have a word with you in private, please?" I say.

He doesn't answer, just pushes away from his plate. "Nice work, sweetheart."

I walk slowly over to Katniss and look down at her. She doesn't recoil as she usually does. She slaps me. Sae's granddaughter starts crying and runs to me. I scoop her up and hug her, soothe her and place her back down again. "It's okay, sweetheart. I'm okay."

"Katniss!" screams Sae.

"Don't bother, Sae. I expected as much. It's the only time she's touched me since we've been here." I'm fighting tears again. My emotions are so on edge since the high-jacking. I turn to walk out, but stop at the door to get another look at her. She stares blankly at me and I slam the door closed.

* * *

**Katniss' POV**

I spend the rest of the day in bed, unable to move anything. Staring. Into space. At nothing. It's easy. Even blinking takes too much effort.  _Why do I do this? Why do I push away the ones I need the most_? The anger has dissipated and has been overthrown by extreme shame.

I sensed something different about Peeta the last time he was here _._  Although it was the only time non-hijacked Peeta has raised his voice at me, that's not it. He is more...I don't know...resigned? I don't really know what it is but, something is different. I can feel it. I don't care enough to ask, though. I don't want to know.

I can't figure out for the life of me why he came back here. It seems implausible that he could still love me. Broken me. I've caused so much death and destruction. I'm responsible for his whole family dying. I'm the reason he lost his leg. I'm the reason his skin looks like a roadmap. He's confessed his love for me over and over again and I've never once reciprocated. I faked my feelings for him to keep us alive in the arena...and after, to protect us all from Snow. But, not once have I told him that I love him.

Everyone says I loved him. Who wouldn't love Peeta? He's perfect. I think I realized I felt something for the first time during the Quarter Quell. I'd planned to sacrifice my life for his. But, things went wrong. They wanted me, but took him instead.  _They_  took him from me. They used him to get to me. Then I got him back. I was truly happy for the first time since my father was alive…but it was a dirty trick. Everything good in life is, really. He was never really mine.

Just as I was ready to share my love, he tried to fucking strangle me. I forgave him for trying to kill me. I forgave him for that a long time ago. It wasn't his fault. The Capitol had screwed with his mind and made him think I was his enemy. Those bastards knew that he was the strongest weapon left against me. He and Prim were the only things left that could finish breaking me. He wasn't himself when he'd tried to choke the life out of me. But, in spite of all I've done to him, he keeps coming back. I can't forgive him for that. He should be stronger than that! He's too good to go chasing after a broken wisp of a girl that will only hurt him in the end. I certainly don't think I deserve him or his love. I could live a thousand lifetimes and not deserve him. It's funny, really, that I love the one person left who could literally kill me.

At the same time, I can't help but think of how he used to hold me. His touch seemed to radiate into my skin at the slightest connection. He always had a way of making me feel safe, making even the most dire circumstances seem bearable simply by being present. I miss the way his heart beat and the way his breath expanded beneath his chest whenever I lay my head upon him all those nights on the train. I fooled myself, and him, into believing it was only to push away the nightmares. That it was all meant to be practical. But, there was more to it than that. I missed that. But, whenever I allow myself to think like this for more than a few seconds, I'm forced to remind myself what a horrible person I am and how much I don't deserve him.

Why did he not just let me eat that damn nightlock pill? My death would've been quick and painless. He'd be free now. He'd maybe find a beautiful girl with no scars, whose mind isn't fucked up and who would actually be happy to give him babies. And that girl would appreciate him.

 _There I go again, damn it! All-things-Peeta._ Just then I realize Sae is gently shaking me awake. "Katniss, please wake up. Peeta's here and he really needs to talk to you."

I can see that Sae has been crying but can't figure why on earth that is. Something about Peeta?

* * *

 

**Peeta's POV**

Haymitch and I leave Katniss' place and head over to his. While his drinking has improved, his housekeeping habits still leave a lot to be desired. He no longer gets drunk every day; but every now and then he needs the escape of a bottle of white liquor to numb the pain and loneliness. As I step into his house, I'm met with an obstacle course of dirty clothes, papers, bottles and dirty dishes. There's even a live chicken walking around.

I smile as I think of all the older man has meant to me and I know I will miss him when I leave. He's the closest thing to a father figure I have left. The thought makes my heart ache with longing for my own father.

"What's eatin' you, man?"

"Haymitch, you know how much I love Katniss, right?"

"I'd have to be blind not to." he says with a chuckle.

"Watching her like this over the past year has been torture for me." I fumble for words to make this less painful for me, but come up short. "I'll just spit it out." I take a deep breath and feel as though I'm going to throw up. "I'm leaving District 12."

"Whoa! Whoa..whoa." Haymitch is up out of his chair standing in front of me and looking at me questioningly. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I just can't take it anymore. I try day after day to connect with her, to help her pull out of this...this... and she HATES me more as each day goes by. You saw what happened back there. I'm starting to think I'm the problem, Haymitch."

Haymitch lets out a slow, understanding sigh. "Well, I'll admit. I was wondering how long you'd last. Guess you're not as stupid as I thought, but you lasted longer than I originally figured. Look, Peeta…" He rarely calls me by my name. It's usually ' _boy_ ' or ' _man_ '.

"...I know that deep down inside she still loves you. She's just choosing to punish herself and everyone else right along with her. Her head's still in the arena, the rebellion, the war. She's not waking up to the reality that's in front of her. Look, I don't blame you for wanting a better life. You both have been through so much; no one would judge you for wanting to seek some happiness."

I can't fight the tears anymore. "The episodes are becoming stronger though they're not violent...yet. But, I think it's because seeing her keeps my mind rooted in the war and all the pain. I think I do the same for her. I remind her of the loss. I hate what they've done to us."

I take a deep breath to compose myself. "Ironic, really. Since I was five years old, all I ever wanted was the chance, the courage to talk to her, get to know her. The very thing that brought us together is ripping us apart." I remind myself that it's useless to linger over what might have been. It is what it is.

"I just need some time. Some space. I was thinking of asking Sae if she and Maya would like to live in my place until I get back. It's much bigger and nicer than the place she lives in now. And it's closer to Katniss so she can keep an eye on her easily."

"Katniss? What about me? Who's gonna make my bread? Those Kaiser rolls are great for soaking up a hangover, I tell ya." Haymitch does something that surprises me. He gently slaps his hand on the back of my neck and pulls me in for a hug. And I swear I can see wetness in his eyes. I'm stunned at first, then gratefully return the hug before I pull away.

"Hey, I'll bake a few for you to freeze. Just don't feed them to those damn birds!" Haymitch chuckles.

"So, when do you leave, man?" I hear a sniffle but pretend I don't.

"I'm thinking the end of this week. I've been thinking about this for a while. There's a train leaving for District 4 early Saturday morning. I have to put a few affairs in order, give notice to the cleanup crew and help get Sae settled. If I wait too long…."

"I know. I know. I'm gonna miss you, boy. Are you going to tell her?" And I know who he's talking about.

"I think that would be the right thing to do. But, I dread it. I still love her, you know."

"I know." Suddenly, I'm boy again.

"I...I just want to leave a door open to come back through. If she finds her way without me once I'm gone, I'm okay with that. I just want to see her happy...even if it's without me. I need to ask you a favor, though. Will you make sure she starts calling Dr. Aurelius regularly? I think he can help her, but she won't let anyone answer her phone. If he transformed me from the mutt I was, he can surely help Katniss. Can you do that for me?

Haymitch gives me a sad, slow shake of his head. "You're a good man, Peeta Mellark."

When I leave my mentor's place, I decide the best way to do this is swiftly and surely before I lose my nerve. If I don't tell her, I'm likely to change my mind. I'm sure she already thinks I'm a wimp. I won't leave like a coward without telling her.

I also want to give Sae time to accept or reject my offer of living in my home. I knock on Katniss' door and walk in uninvited, as I always do. Sae is tidying up the living room. It's been a few hours since the incident at breakfast and Katniss is nowhere in sight. I walk over to Sae. Maya is busy annoying Buttercup, Prim's old cat, near the fireplace.

My face must tip Sae off that something is not right. "Peeta, are you okay?"

"Yeah, Sae….I'm fine. Well, no. Not really. I'm far from okay. Can we talk somewhere?"

"Sure, sonny. Let's go out to the kitchen."

"Is Katniss around?"

"Yes, but she's upstairs napping...again. I've run out of excuses to keep her awake. And after the way she behaved this morning, I figure she needs a bit of a break. What's going on, Peeta?"

"I don't want her to hear this until I can tell her myself. Sae, I'm leaving for District 4 on Saturday morning. I was wondering if you and Maya would like to move into my place for the time being?"

"Well, sure I'll watch your house for you, Peeta. How long will you be gone?"

"Indefinitely."

The old woman lets out a gasp and searches my eyes. I try again. "But, the offer to live in my home is indefinite as well. Sae, I just can't bear to watch her waste away day after day like this. It's killing me...and it's killing her ever so slowly. I swore to myself that I would never cause her another ounce of pain. But, I feel like my being here every day is keeping her in this state. Do you think I'm being selfish?"

"Oh, Peeta!" Sae is up out of her chair and hugging me fiercely. "You're one of the most unselfish people I know! I know you're doing this for her but, you do need to take care of yourself. She may not show it or even act like it, but she really does love you, you know."

"No, I don't know, Sae. Maybe I will in time. I want you to promise me you'll be tougher on her. She needs to shake out of this thing. We can't coddle her through it. She has so much to give and it's wasting away right inside of her. Make her draw her own bath. Make her wash the dishes. Give her a sense of purpose. Dr. Aurelius used to tell me that routine and purpose were the two things I needed most until I could begin to function normally. That really helped me. But, she has to want the help. We have to make her want it. I love her, Sae." I don't realize I'm crying until I feel wetness on my face.

"I'm going to call her every Friday morning, while you're still here with her. Will you please answer the phone, no matter what she says? And tell her that it's me. Even if she won't talk to me, I want her to know that it's me."

"Of course, I will, Peeta."

Sae rocks me in her arms as if I'm a small child and I'm comforted by this. I hadn't realized how much I'd begun to rely on her strength and reliability, like that of a mother. I slowly pull away from her and wipe my tears, thinking of the love I never received from my own mother. She heads upstairs to wake Katniss and returns to tell me I can go on up. I walk up the stairs, stopping long enough to look back at Sae for strength before heading to have the most dreaded conversation I think I'll ever have in my life.

When I walk into Katniss' room, I'm struck by how plain it still is. I haven't been in here since the night she tried to jump from her window. I haven't seen it in the daylight since the night I carried her upstairs before the Quarter Quell. She's seated on the window seat looking out, with a blanket thrown over her knees. I walk in slowly.

"Katniss?"

"Yeah?" she says without even turning to acknowledge me.

"Hey." is all I can think to say initially. You can do this, Mellark.

"What do you want?" And there's the blank stare again. I find the strength to go ahead and just say it.

"Katniss, there's a train leaving Saturday morning for District 4. I plan to be on it. I've written to Annie O'dair and I'll be staying with her until I get settled." She turns around and looks as if she's looking right through me, but turns around and stares out the window again.  _Stay strong_ , I tell myself. She doesn't respond, so I continue nervously.

"She's doing okay but trying to raise little Finn alone while helping with the District restructuring is difficult. Johanna is living there with her also. They'll show me around and help me get acclimated." She's still looking out the window. Not even a flinch.

"Look, Katniss. I don't know what to do anymore. But, I do know that I need to leave District 12...indefinitely. I just hope that you won't hate me. There are so many things I need to say to you but I...I can't. You won't even look at me. I hope you know that...if you're listening to me...that...how I feel about you, about us, hasn't changed. I hope that if you ever get the inclination to talk to me, that you'll call me at Annie's. I'll call you every Friday morning until you decide to take my calls." I feel the tears...shit!

"I'll write to you a couple times a month to bring you up to date on what's going on. I don't know how long I'll be gone or if I'll ever come back, but I want you to know that I'll be here for you. Always. We look out for each other, right?" Still no response. I see I'm getting nowhere.

"I just want you to promise me one thing. That you'll try harder to get better. Take Dr. Aurelius' calls. Give  _him_  a call." Suddenly, she shoots me a look that could melt ice. The daggers in her eyes say it all. I think for a moment she's going to slap me again. But, instead, she just turns back around and stares out the window.

I get up and reach out to touch the hair that I love so much but, I change my mind and draw my hand away. "Good-bye, Katniss."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peeta has been canonized as someone who endlessly takes Katniss' abuse and never thinks of himself. Quite frankly I think he's more humanly complex than that. Katniss gets more likeable as the story continues. I hope to develop her softer side as time passes. But it won't be easy for her. She needs to evolve, but on her own terms.


	3. Butterfly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss begins to realize the gravity of what just happened. Peeta begins his new life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 is inspired by Butterfly by Corrinne Bailey Rae

 

**Katniss' POV.**

"Good-bye, Peeta"

The only sound in this noiseless room is me. I hear him go down the stairs. My face is wet with tears that started long before he left. I couldn't turn to face him and let him see me cry stupid tears!

But, now that he's gone, I can't stop the flow.  _Isn't that the way it always is, Katniss? You can be so open when he's not around. You have it all worked out, what words you're going to say, until you see him. Then you shut down like a fucking idiot! Well, you finally did it. Got rid of him. You should be happy._

I tell myself that this is best for him. He deserves better than anything I could offer him. His life will be better.  _Isn't this what you wanted, Katniss? The best you have to offer pales in comparison to another woman's worst. It's for the best; his best. I wanna kill myself, but know how stupid that is! I wanna scream, but I can't. Fuck him!_

I think about all that the old Capitol took from me.  _They'd already taken him from me, so I'm not really losing anything. Everything we were or could've been together belonged to THEM. It was for the games, the rebellion. None of it belonged to us anyway. No loss._

Thinking it doesn't ease the pain at all.

The reality of Peeta's leaving slowly begins to sink in. But, I stay rooted to my bed for the next several days. I can't bring myself to move. I can hear him and Haymitch chat outside my window at times about train schedules, making arrangements. Occasionally, Greasy Sae brings me a bit of update along with my bowl of soup.

"Peeta's asked me to move into his house."

"Peeta's packed all of his things."

"Peeta's got a job lined up in District 4."

I act like I don't care, but I think Sae knows better.

"Peeta's leaving on the 3:30PM train on Saturday."  _Fuck him_.

Finally, the day and time arrives. He doesn't come back to say good-bye to me one last time, and I'm glad. On that day, of all days, I suddenly want to know where Buttercup is. I need to hold him on my lap. I need him near me. It's the strangest thing, since I've always hated that cat. I only tolerate him because he belonged to Prim. I have to find him. It seems that everyone I had before the Games has disappeared. Prim and father are gone. My mother is too busy nursing her own pain to be here for me. Gale and I no longer speak. And even patient Peeta has grown tired of my shit. Buttercup, as much as I hate that cat, has been the one constant from my former life. Sae seems confused when I ask her about the animal's whereabouts, since I rarely engage her in any conversation. I'm even confused. But I can't stop.

"Well, Katniss, I don't know. I haven't seen him for hours. Not since this morning when I spotted him chasing one of Haymitch's birds."

"Please help me find him." I'm fidgeting nervously and don't know why.

I feel ashamed as I realize this is the most I've said to Greasy Sae since she's been coming to take care of me. A pang of guilt and the realization of my selfishness washes over me. I'm up off the bed, covers thrown to the floor, and I storm downstairs. I circle through the living room and kitchen, avoiding the study, constantly calling out Buttercup's name.

"Buttercup! Buttercup! Where are you? Here, kitty."

With each call, my voice grows more frantic and shaky. I leave the house and go out into the yard calling for the cat. Sae follows me, apparently realizing that I'm still in my nightgown and slowly losing it.

"Katniss,it's okay, he'll come back. I'm sure he will. He always does. Now come back inside before you embarrass yourself!"

"No, Sae. You don't get it. He's never coming back. He's never coming back." I realize as soon as she does that I'm not talking about the cat at all. By this time, Haymitch has come out onto his porch to see what all the fuss is about. He simply shakes his head sadly, takes a gulp out of his cup, and heads back into his house.

Sae walks over and places her arm gently around my shoulders, whispering softly and guiding me back inside. "There, there now. It's going to be okay. I'm sure he's fine. And, you'll see. He will come back. You guys have a bond that can't be broken." And I know she's not talking about the cat either. She's looking into my eyes and for the first time I really see her. A life living on the Seam in District 12 has obviously taken its toll. But, I see what was probably once a beautiful face. Each line around her eyes speaks of some tragedy, disappointment or unrealized dream. I see wisdom there. I see caring. She wants to helpand I haven't made it easy.

I nod slowly and follow her inside. Once inside, she guides me to sit in front of a dying fire and places a quilt over my legs. She kneels down, takes both my hands into hers and says "You have such beautiful hair. What do you say I brush it for you? When I was a young girl, my mother used to brush my hair and it always made me feel better. I can braid it for you, too."

I try my best to smile back. I look down at my hands with their gnawed fingernails and realize for the first time how disgusting they look. Sae quickly grabs a brush and gets to work before I can answer. The knots and tangles are many, but she gets busy humming to herself. It sounds nice and reminds me of how my mom was before father died. I find myself wishing I'd reached out to her a long time ago.

The feel of the brush on my scalp sends tingles down my spine. Being touched by anything or anyone is a rare sensation since I've returned home. Other than receiving some sort of medical attention or care giving, I've haven't reached out for physical comfort to anyone in a long time. This feels good in spite of my failing efforts to convince myself that I don't deserve to feel anything good anymore.

My body reacts on its own to this new sensation. I've been stuck in some No Man's Land between wanting to live and being too much of a damn coward to kill myself. Allowing my body to waste away on its own hasn't been successful either. Pushing people away hasn't made me feel any more or less worthy of being alive. I don't know what to do with myself. So I sit.

* * *

 

**Greasy Sae's POV**

I slowly work through each knot in Katniss' hair. When I'm done unknotting, I begin working on reconstructing her braid. Such beautiful hair. This makes me miss my own children who are grown now and off doing other things in other districts. I remember the day she and Peeta were reaped. Until then, Katniss had been a regular at the Hob. I'd grown rather fond of her because I knew her father. Knew her mother, too, though not very well. She'd always been a distant woman. Nice enough...but distant.  _How could she leave her here in the District to heal on her own? What kind of mother would do that? This child needs the support of people who love her and knew her before all this happened._

Oh, sure, I show up every day to prepare breakfast and dinner. I clean the place when it needs it. But, I realize what she's been missing is the guidance and loving hand of an older woman. Haymitch tries, but a man as troubled as him surely can't help this girl. He can't stay sober long enough toeven help himself.

I push those thoughts away and decide that I will be the one to step up and help her if she will allow me to. It pains me to see her slip away. It aches to think that the only reason she thinks we're here for her is for pay. It hurts me to see Peeta leave. Something has to be done to bring her back to life; to bring these two back together.

The next day, I show up as usual. But, instead of leaving after preparing the lunch and dinner, I stick around. It's much easier now with me being right next door in Peeta's house. I'm able to be there at a moment's notice. I take Peeta's advice and hold her accountable. I make her shower and dress every day, whether she's in that dark place or not. After some time, insistence and repetition, Katniss eventually begins making her way upstairs to shower on her own, without being prompted.  _Hmph! Progress?_

One day when she takes too long to come back downstairs, I head upstairs and find the girl wrapped in a towel, hair wet and freshly washed, staring at the floor as if lost. Just standing there looking at the floor. I have no idea how long she's been like this. That's when I notice the scars. They show little sign of healing. Some still look fresh.

"Katniss..." I say, trying not to sound shocked, "...have you been taking care of your skin? I mean, have you been using the cream the doctors prescribed for you? I see a new shipment come in every month but I notice I never see any empties in the trash."

She looks at me blankly, with a smidge of guilt on her face and finally shakes her head 'no'. "Oh, sweetie, you've got to take care of your skin. A pretty girl like you!"

"No one cares what I look like, Sae." This makes me sad.

"Then  _you_  have to care. Besides, I care. I want to see you get better. I want you to apply the salve when you're done drying off, okay? You can call me up to help you when it's time to get your back."

Katniss does as she's told. Within a half-hour she's salved and dressed for bed. That's when I have another idea. "Hey, why don't you sit out on the front porch with me and watch the sunset. We can watch Maya play in the yard until dark."  _The sunset._ She lights up a bit at that and this makes me happy. She nods and follows me outside.  _Progress_! I resolve that if Peeta Mellark ever returns to District 12, he won't know what hit him. He'll find himself faced with a version of Katniss Everdeen that'll make his head spin.

By the end of the following week, we get our first call from Peeta. He's all settled into Annie's place. Little Finn is a handful, and spitting image of his father. Johanna has not changed at all. There's plenty of work to be done in spite of the fact that District 4 wasn't firebombed like 12 was. Katniss refuses to speak with him, so he talks to me. He sends his love to all. Such a good young man. My heart aches even more.

As the days turn into weeks, we get photos and postcards and letters in the mail. The first picture is of him, Johanna, Annie and Finn at the beach. He looks happy. But there's something missing…in his eyes. I hand it to Katniss, excited. Next thing I know, the picture is sailing towards the fireplace. Before I can grab it, Katniss has flung it towards the flames. She misses, thankfully, and it lands on the hearth. I pretend to be appalled, but I'm secretly hopeful. Finally, she's showing some  _emotion_. She's jealous, I'm sure. Seeing him looking so happy with two attractive women beside him is probably hard. I know it's not much, but it's something! Maybe this will shake her out of this damn fog and make her fight for that boy.

Katniss begins to show small signs of progress in the coming weeks. She, at my constant insistence, showers and gets dressed every morning before 9:00 AM no matter what she's doing that day. This came as whispered advice from Dr. Aurelius one day when I answered the phone, thinking it might be Peeta. We got into a private, but rather lengthy discussion about Katniss' progress and Peeta's leaving. I'm sure he broke all kinds of ethical rules, talking to me about her case. But, I think that guy really cares about those kids. Dr. Aurelius convinced me that routine and purpose are going to help her on the road to recovery. And I'm his new ally. Like a soldier with marching orders, I get to work.

Once a couple of months have passed, I encourage Katniss to look after Maya while I clean and cook. It's not a large task since Maya is very independent and is used to playing alone. But, before long, Katniss is joining in Maya's games and actually playing with her. She startshelping out with minor meal preparations. I give her any assignment that will give her a purpose, a reason to get out of bed and something to keep her mind out of the dark. Haymitch helps by having her advise him on cleaning his rat's nest of a house. She's taking, and sometimes initiating, calls to Dr. Aurelius now. They seem to help when she's either very angry or just listless. She's hiding in that closet less often, though she still seeks it out from time to time. I just leave her be. All things in due time, I always say.

One morning, when she's sitting around looking idle, Haymitch recommends that she walk into town and look around. Maybe even walk out to the woodsthat she hasn't seen since her return. She doesn't take to the idea right away. So, I place her father's old hunting jacket, her old boots, bow and quiver in the hallway closet right outside her bedroom. It doesn't take long after that.

* * *

**Peeta's POV.**

When I step off the train, Annie is there to greet me, holding Little Finn. I have to fight off the lump in my throat when I think of Finnick; he should be standing there next to them. She runs over and gives me a hug. "Oh my gosh, Peeta!" Tears well up in her eyes and mine soon follow. I know she's thinking about our time in captivity, the last time she saw me...and about Finnick. "You look good. I'm so glad you're here. Let's get your things and head to the house."

The ride through District 4 in a hired car is interesting. I've only seen it on the news and the one time on our Victory Tour. The houses, though no more sturdy than the ones in my district, are a lot more colorful. It seems a little odd at first to see a shack with rotting boards that have been painted bright blue or yellow. Because of the naturally warm climate, people dress in lighter clothing. Since most everyone works in the fishing industry, they're all tanned with lean muscle like people from the Seam. It makes me think of Katniss. The major difference between them and folks from the Seam is that most of them have lighter colored hair and eyes. I'm not quite sure what the atmosphere was like before the war, but the energy here seems to be a lot lighter, more laid back.

We arrive at Annie's place in about 20 minutes since she lives further from the center of town. When we walk in, Johanna jumps out and scares the hell out of me.

"What's up, gorgeous! Where's your Mockingjay?" I'm not sure why she's asking me this. She knows I came alone. Just being Johanna, I guess. Likes to stir up shit.

"Jo, you know Katniss can't leave the district without special permission."

"Oh, that's right. The little murderer has to stay put until big brother gives the thumbs up for her to move. How's that for freedom? Why did we fight this rebellion again?"

Exasperated already, I roll my eyes and give her a hug anyway. "Missed you. How've you been? Looks like you're filling out a little bit."

"Well, Annie never cooks, so I don't know how the hell a girl's supposed to get her figure back. Maybe now that you're here, you can feed me. Domestic duties weren't on the list of things that Snow pimped me out for. I'm a little lacking in that area. But, I'm good at other things, if you know what I mean."

She suggestively, yet comically, pumps her eyebrows up and down. Johanna can be so annoying at times. But, I saw what she went through during the time we were held hostage. She, Annie and I share a bond that most would never get…ever. I realize that's her way of dealing with all of the horrible shit Snow did to her…to us. I forgive before the words even leave her mouth most times. It still annoys me when she says insensitive things about Katniss, though.

Sensing the need to step in, Annie says "Jo, will you put Finn down for his nap while I heat up some dinner? And, yes, I did cook especially for today since Peeta's here. You're a big girl. You can feed yourself. Peeta, you can take the second room on the right. Why don't you go unpack and get yourself settled? You've got all the time in the world to be bothered by Johanna."

I'm amazed at how calmed and centered Annie is. She seems to be so in charge, so unlike what she was in District 13. Maybe this is what she was like before the games, before her exploitation and torture by the Capitol. I see why Finnick loved her so much.

As the weeks and months pass, I get introduced to people around the district as Annie uses her local celebrity and influence to get me a gig on one of the restructuring teams. I'm constantly amazed at the outpouring of support from those who are thankful that the rebellion happened. It gives me hope and the strength to move on and deal with my loss.

I still miss Katniss, but each day brings a new distraction. My favorite thing to do is to watch Finn while Annie's out or busy. Kids are not exactly Johanna's thing, so I'm usually the first to volunteer. I don't mind at all. He's a smart, handsome little guy who reminds me so much of his dad. My times with him remind me even of my own father and the desire to have children grows brighter within me; right alongside the hope that our country is changing for the better. It's at these times that I miss Katniss with a new kind of ache. I miss her, for sure, but I mourn the fact that we'll probably never want the same life. She's stated over and over again that she'll never want to have children. I think of when she hardly knew I was alive. And when she finally got to know me and felt something for me, Snow intervened making us a piece in his games. When we could finally be together, I'd already been programmed to kill her. How fucked up is it that? I usually have an episode just thinking about it. So, I don't let myself think about it. I keep busy…I keep moving.

* * *

My job on the restructuring committee is to assess the needs of the district and help recruit and interview local citizens who are interested in opening up new businesses and programs using money from the government. It's not baking or art, but I do get to do the thing that I love almost as much as those two things. That's helping others. It's not a very physical job, but I enjoy it. One day I'm at a community fair looking for people to fill the much needed food service industry, and I'm surprised by a familiar voice behind me.

"Peeta! What are you doing here?"

"Delly! Wow. Hey. It's so good to see you." She's with her younger brother, David. Her parents and everyone else in her family died in the bombing. In the process of looking for a place for her and David to call home, she decided to visit our community fair to check out opportunities. Sweet Delly, who I grew up with, is standing right in front of me. She's lost that roundness she used to have and her hair isn't so frizzy now. After a long welcome hug, she looks at me with moist eyes.

"So, what are you doing here, Peeta? I thought you moved back home."

"I did, Delly, but…too many ghosts. Too much sadness. I had to leave. Annie was nice enough to let me stay with her and Johanna here, and, frankly I'm liking it a lot." Except, I miss Katniss so much I can hardly breathe. I leave that part out. As if reading my mind,

"How is Katniss?" she asks.

"She's doing okay, I guess. Getting stronger." I don't elaborate. She doesn't press, but eyes me questionably. I'm at a rare loss for words. I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression about Katniss. She's been through too much already. But, something about the way Delly is looking at me tells me she doesn't buy it. I give her another big hug and we plan to have lunch one day soon to catch up and discuss her interest in opening an apparel shop with government funds.

Since my job is not exactly physical, I spend a lot of my free time with Johanna, who taught me how to swim soon after I got to the district.

"You can't live here and not know how to swim, Mellark."

Most of our fun revolves around swimming or horseback riding. After the citizens were free to roam about without Capitol approval, some of them discovered herds of wild horses that had sprung up in the countryside beyond the gates. Johanna is part of a team of volunteers to tame, care for and loan the horses out to those who want or need to ride. I volunteer occasionally when I'm not working or watching Finn. It keeps my mind off what is going on in District 12.


	4. Call Me When You Get This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Katniss reckons...with herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4 is inspired by Call Me When You Get This by Corinne Bailey Rae

**Peeta's POV**

I continue to send letters and news back home to let everyone know how I'm doing. Occasionally Haymitch answers his phone and even acts like he's glad to hear from me. He does initiate a call on a couple of occasions. I'd been gone for nearly 8 months before Katniss took the first call from me. She was tricked into it, actually. Sae informed me that she was keeping her weekly calls with Dr. Aurelius. I was happy to hear that. She also let me know that he called her every Wednesday around 2:00 pm. And that it might not be such a bad idea if I called around 1:50 pm or thereabouts.

"Seeing as how she doesn't have that fancy caller ID, and all", Sae reminded me. "She just might answer the phone instead of letting me get it."

I thought it was sneaky, but I really needed to hear her voice. The phone rings.

"Hello." I can't believe she actually answered the phone.

"Hello…Katniss?" My heart is pounding.

Silence, for what seems like an eternity. Then, finally, "Hey...Peeta?"

"Yeah. Hey."

"Umm..I thought it was Dr. A." Silence once again. I hear her take in a breath and let it out.

"Is everything okay? Do you need…to talk to Sae?" My heart sinks.

"I…I just wanted to see how you're doing…hear your voice. You doing okay?"

I hear her take another deep breath. "As well as can be expected. How about you?"

I take a deep breath and plunge in, partly from nervousness and excitement but mostly because I'm afraid she'll get angry and retreat and not talk to me again soon.

"I'm doing great. Annie and Johanna send their love. You should see Little Finn. He looks so much like his dad. He's a sweet little guy, Katniss. Annie's doing very well. She seems to be taking charge of things and using her Victor standing to improve things around her district. And, Johanna's…still Johanna." She chuckles just barely loud enough to be heard through the phone.

"Well, that's good, Peeta. I'm glad to hear you're… _happy_."

I want to tell her so badly that I'm not doing so well because I miss her. But, I'm so happy to finally be talking to her that I don't want to screw with it. I'm hanging by a thread. So, I keep my mouth shut. Silence takes us over once again and I rack my brain for reasons to keep her on the line.

"So, how's Haymitch?" I ask.

"He's…sober…today." It's my turn to chuckle.

"And Sae?"

"Oh, she's been such a big help to me. She's awesome. I wouldn't be doing as well as I am if it weren't for her."

"Katniss? I'm…sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I mean, I'm glad Sae is. But, I wish it could've been me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish you could say those things about me."

"Peeta, it's okay, really. You have enough to deal with. I know it was hard…being here…memories and all. You've always been there for me before. You need to take care of yourself for a change. I do understand that." I'm not sure but I think I hear her voice thicken a bit, like she's about to cry.

Just when I'm about to pour my heart out to her once again, she cuts me off. "Look, Peeta. I've gotta go. Talk to you later, okay? My love to Annie, Finn and Johanna. Bye." And without another word, she's hung up.

* * *

 

**Katniss' POV.**

The day that Peeta calls and I answer the phone is painful to say the least. Sae is in the kitchen preparing dinner. Our routine now is that she prepares the meal and leaves instructions for me to cook later when I'm hungry. It gives me something to do. And I'm picking up a few  _minor_  cooking skills as well.

The phone rings, but Sae doesn't answer. I wait, irritated, for a couple rings and she just continues her preparation like she doesn't hear it. So, I pick up the receiver. Since it's nearly time for my call with Dr. Aurelius, I think nothing of the phone ringing 10 minutes earlier than scheduled. When I pick up the phone, it's not Aurelius. It's  _him_!

My heart beats so fast I think it might come up out of my throat. I swear, I think, he probably hears it through the phone. I glance over at Sae to see if she's watching me. She doesn't even look my way.  _Suspicious_. Peeta and I talk for only a few minutes. It's all I can stand. When the conversation starts to take a serious turn, I hang up.  _I hate myself_! But I just can't afford to let myself want him again. I've come too far and it sounds like he has, too.

I spend the rest of that day and all of the next in bed or in my closet. I allow myself a little pity party. By dinner time the next day, hunger drives me downstairs and I heat up some leftovers. Sae's not here, so I pull myself out of my dark place  _all by myself_. I'm so proud I can't wait to tell Dr. Aurelius about it! Normally Sae would have had to give me some Old Seam wisdom and tough talk to shake me up, but not this time! Could I be…functioning? When I really take a moment to think about where I was mentally and emotionally back in District 13 and after I killed Coin, I see enough progress to keep me looking forward. I know it will always be difficult, but I can see…and even  _feel_  things getting better. I don't feel hopeless anymore.

* * *

 

**Peeta's POV.**

As much as it pains me that we ended our phone conversation abruptly, I feel lighter for having talked to her and heard her voice. My heart is actually pounding. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted from my day and I turn in early. I don't even leave my room when Annie comes home, completely skipping dinner. That night, I dream about Katniss.

She's standing in front of my bed wearing a sheer white nightgown. I can make out her nipples and a patch of darkness between her thighs underneath the nightgown and I instantly feel that stirring down below. Her hair is flowing loose in that way that drives me crazy and she looks like an angel. She sits down on the edge of the bed, leans over me and takes my face in her hands. She doesn't say a word, but simply holds my gaze until I forget where I am. She leans down and gives me the sweetest, softest kiss. The kiss deepens as she slides her tongue into my mouth. I respond, my mouth moving with hers, as she wraps her hands around the nape of my neck. Our mouths are clearly hungry for each other. The muscles in her arms suddenly tighten as her tongue begins to transform into something I can't describe. It becomes scaly and rough. I feel her nails grow and sharpen along the back of my neck. I try to push her away but her grip tightens as she drives her serpent-like tongue further into my mouth. It snakes towards the back of my throat and pushes its way into my airway. I'm gasping for air and all I can do is stare helplessly into those yellow eyes as her nails rip along the back of my head. My throat is on fire and I'm starting to choke! I can't gather enough air to even cough! I see blood begin to gush from where her hands are behind my head and I'm not sure if it's my blood or hers. I can't breathe. I'm about to pass out. I gather all my strength to push her up off my chest. We roll off the bed onto the floor. Mutt Katniss is on all fours laughing at me while her snake of a tongue hisses with its fangs dripping blood.

I lunge at her, preparing to take her out. But, something smacks me across my face sharply. I look up and see Johanna crouched down on all fours looking at me wildly.

"Jo! What…"

"Wake the hell up, Mellark! I'm not Katniss!"

"Johanna. I'm sorry." I'm embarrassed. She must've slapped me to wake me.

"Boy, I guess she likes it rough, huh? Warn a girl next time. I'll come prepared."

"That's not helping."

"Hey, getting choked usually comes with a little something extra in my experience, if you know what I mean. "

"Will you stop it? Everything's a fucking joke to you, Jo! Just. Shut. Up. I could've killed you!" I love Johanna like a sister, a twisted sister. But, her morbid sense of humor really gets under my skin at times. I realize it's her way of dealing, but right now is not the time.

"Whoa, lover boy. Wanna talk about it?"

"That…" I motion towards the bed. "hasn't happened in a long time. Nightmares, I mean." I take in a deep breath and lean against the side of the bed. Johanna scoots over closer and faces me with her knees drawn up to her chest. I continue to try to explain. "I talked to Katniss today."

"So…I see things went well."

I chuckle in spite of the fact that her constant joking around gets on my nerves. She's staring at me in that way that says " _Get on with it, Mellark. You can't bullshit me._ "

"I guess. Johanna…how do you…move on? I mean, we all have our own way. I'm trying my best to understand Katniss' way."

"I don't think we ever move on, gorgeous. We just deal. Kat is dealing in her way, as screwed up as it is."

"I couldn't stand by while she punished herself for things she had no control over. I can't figure out for the life of me why she shuts me out the way she does."

"It's easy, bonehead. She's in pain. She loves you, too, believe it or not. I saw her in the Quell, and she was a mess when she thought she'd lost you. But now…the pain of pushing you away is  _nothing_  compared to the pain of letting you in and then losing you all over again. Besides, she's one of these self-righteous types. I'll bet you a bottle of vodka she thinks she's doing you a fucking favor. She probably thinks  _she'd_  be a burden to  _you_. Make sense?"

"Haymitch tried to explain it to me once, but I didn't really get it then. It sounds very  _Katniss_."

"Have you really been clear about how you feel about her, Peeta?"

I look at her as if she sprouted an extra head out of her neck. "What the hell are you asking me? It's all I think about. Every move I make has her best interest at the center of it. Why the hell do you think I'm here? What do you mean, Jo?"

"What I mean is Katniss knows you're a man of  _words_. Have you ever used those  _words_  with her, face-to-face, just you two? Have you told her that you  _love_  her? In no uncertain terms? With no pressure from the Capitol or the war?"

I think back and can't find one instance when I told Katniss face-to-face, without the presence of an audience or a camera, that I was in love with her. "The Capitol had nothing to do with my feelings for Katniss!"

"Did she know you loved her before the 74th Games, Peeta?" She's using my name now. That means she's getting serious for a change.

"No."

"See, that's just it. She probably thinks it was some sort of strategy or that you were playing to the crowd. She knows you  _care_  about her. With everything else she's had to deal with, she's probably wondering just how much you  _love_  her. If she loves you as much as I think she does, it's so all-consuming she wants to know that she's not just eliciting pity from you. She wants to be on equal footing…even in love. Owing nothing. I'm a chick and I know how chicks think. Besides, she and I have more in common than you think. Letting people in is risky." She looks at me and I realize just how vulnerable Johanna is. I see the wounded little girl who was exploited by everyone that was supposed to take care of her.

This realization stuns me. Who'd know Johanna was so smart? I have truly never considered these words that she's saying right now. What must Katniss be thinking…feeling? My head is spinning with this new take on things. There might be just one last chance.

"All this talk about feelings and shit is making me itch. Tell me this, Mellark. Since we're being all…ugh…open and stuff. How do  _you_  do it?"

"Do what?"

"Wait for her. I'll bet you're a virgin, aren't you?" Now I'm glad it's dark in here because my face is red.

"That's none of your damn business." Vulnerable Jo has left the building.

"I see women eye-fucking you all the time. But, I don't see you so much as  _flirt_  with another woman, except for that blonde chick, Daisy."

"Delly. And I don't flirt with her. We're old friends."

"Whatever. You're a hero, I'll tell you that. You're nearly 20 years old! Any other guy would've gotten into some skin by now. You've been here almost a year and you seem to be still holding out for Kat. Maybe those damn nightmares would stop if you got a little. Know what I mean?"

"No, I don't know what you mean. Besides, I don't want to just have sex with someone just to say I did it. I'm not built like that. If I'm going to give up on being with Katniss, then I have to fall hard, and I mean  _really hard_ , for the next girl. Otherwise, it's not going to be worth it for me and it's not going to be fair to her."

"Suit yourself. But, if you get hard up, I have any number of friends that can fix that problem for you. Myself included. Look, if you're not going to man-up and tell Katniss face-to-face that you lover her, you might as well start shopping your goods around before you kill one of us in our sleep. Goodnight, Mellark." And just like that, she insults Katniss, me and men in general and is off to bed. But, I can't help but love her. She's like a crazy relative you can't rid of no matter what, and you love them in spite of themselves. You're stuck with them.

The next week, I have lunch with Delly at one of the new local diners. We talk about our years growing up in District 12 and about all that we've lost. She misses her family, as I miss mine. It's nice to talk to someone who knew me before all of this darkness overtook my life. Delly seems to be doing well taking care of her younger brother. He's suffering emotionally from everything that's happened, understandably, and I offer to be a mentor to him as best as I can. She seems overjoyed. I think about what Johanna had said that night about moving on. I even try to imagine myself with Delly as more than just a friend. I'm sure I stare at her a couple of times during lunch, but she doesn't let on that I'm doing anything weird or inappropriate. But, no matter how hard I squint, I can't see myself with anyone but Katniss. And it aches something terrible. I invite Delly and David over for dinner at Annie's in a couple of weeks as mostly a distraction, but partly to be polite. We part ways and she gives me a long hug.

I figure if I at least expose myself to the possibility of being with someone else, I just might begin to get over Katniss. On the night of the dinner, Delly arrives dressed in a fitted red dress that shows off her new curves. David is trailing behind her, shy but polite. Johanna keeps shooting me suggestive looks all night long as Annie simply looks wistful between us as if something is on her mind. I notice throughout the meal that Delly keeps sneaking glances my way. It feels a bit more than just friendly, and I'm flattered, I have to admit. It makes me feel a little warm inside to have attention from a woman that's more than just hanging out like Jo and I do. So, I return her gaze and smile back.

When dinner is over, I offer to walk her and David to a nearby cab station. Delly doesn't seem to be in any hurry to hail a cab, so we stand there talking while David rocks back and forth on his feet a few feet away from us. She turns to me and giggles softly before taking my hand.

"Peeta, we've known each other a long time. I'm really glad you're here...in District 4 I mean. I'm thinking I might want to make this my home. It's nice to have someone from home here, too. Especially you."

"That's nice, Delly. I think you'll like it here. I'm glad you're here, too."

I barely have time to finish my sentence before she leans up on her tiptoes with her lips pursed and her eyes closed. I have no idea what the hell to do next. So, I do what any nice guy would do. I give her a quick peck on the lips.

It starts out as just a peck, but builds quickly. Her lips are soft and warm and they move smoothly against mine. The kiss feels nice and I'm in no hurry to end it as thoughts of Katniss begin to grow a little fuzzy. I hear her moan softly and I'm brought back to reality. This is not Katniss. She opens her eyes and gives me a warm smile. I immediately feel guilty and curse myself all the way back to Annie's place. I shouldn't have done that. But, it's too late. Being a nice guy has gotten my ass in trouble before and now it's happening again. I decide it's not a good idea to see Delly alone anymore. We're good friends, and I just don't want to lead her on.


	5. Seasons Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reckoning continues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5 is inspired by Seasons Change by Corrinne Bailey Rae

**Peeta's POV.**

After that night at the cab station with Delly, my guilt over the kiss subsided. I knew I only felt guilty because I still had feelings for Katniss. But, if recent events were any indication, she clearly had none for me. No matter what Jo says, I had no indications from Katniss that she feels the same way about me. I start to open myself up to the possibility of being with someone else. It's not that I don't have opportunities. I've just ignored them. I can tell a couple of the women in my office are interested, but I've always put them off by graciously turning down their invitations to lunch. Delly has started coming by to fetch me for lunch or to drop food off and most of the office assumes she's my girlfriend. And I let them. I'm just not ready to make certain decisions yet. We start spending more time together, mostly initiated by her, and I allow it. We've kissed a few more times, though chastely, and I allow that as well.

I know my actions encourage Delly and in some small way I even feel like I'm using her. But, it's nice for a change to have human contact with someone who is not administering medical attention to me; someone who doesn't recoil when I reach for their hand or who actually welcomes my touch. It happens one night at dinner when I have a much needed awakening. She's sitting across from me yammering on about old times back in District 12 when I realize I haven't heard a word she's saying because all I can think of is how Katniss is doing. This isn't fair to Delly or anyone, really. She's not Katniss. She'll never be her. I'm not over her yet and I'm using my best friend to numb the pain of not having her in my life. I'm letting myself to be pulled into the same situation as my father and I can't do that.

"Peeta? Are you okay? You've hardly heard a word I've said."

"Delly, I'm sorry. I can't do this." I put my fork down on my plate and run my hands down the front of my jeans.

"What? Don't you like your shrimp? We never had food like this back home!" She lets out a stream of giggles that is so Delly, but it just doesn't make my heart flutter. It annoys me in a way that it never did when we were kids. I've heard Katniss laugh openly exactly twice in my whole life and each time is as memorable as if it occurred yesterday. Each one stirred my soul and I would run all the way back to District 12 on foot just to hear it again. I look at my friend and realize I have to face the inevitable.

"Dell. We can't be like this…you and me, I mean." I'm at a loss for how to politely break my friend's heart after she's lost so much already. She looks at me for a couple of seconds and her eyes start to glisten.

"Peeta, I know we've both been through a lot. I…I just like spending time with you. No pressure, okay." She bats her eyes nervously and reaches across the table for me. I place my hand on top of hers.

Rather than torturing her with the obvious truth, I say, "I just want to slow things down a bit. I'm not ready to get into anything serious right now."

She smiles and nods understandingly, although the shaky breath she lets out says otherwise. We finish our meal and focus the conversation on the thing we have most in common: our childhood memories.

* * *

The next day I get a call from Plutarch Heavensbee asking me to participate in an interview, to take place the following day, about transplants from District 12 who have relocated elsewhere. Since our district was hit the hardest, we have the highest number of citizens that have been displaced. The fact that I'm also a Victor is not lost in the importance of his request. I agree reluctantly. When he tells me that he's already contacted Delly and she's agreed to do the interview also, I immediately regret it. _That's what you get, Mellark_.

When the day of the interview arrives, I show up as promised. Delly and I stand before the camera and answer the reporter's questions about life since the rebellion, relocation to District 4 and reconstruction efforts back in District 12. Delly stands a little too close to me, under the pretense of us fitting into the camera frame together. Just as the camera light goes on, she leans her body into mine, hooks her arm around mine and smiles into the lens. All I can think is _Thank God Katniss doesn't watch that much television_! And I pray that she's not watching when this airs.

Once the segment is recorded, I hang back to talk to the reporter to avoid being alone with Delly. The reporter's a woman from the Capitol dressed in a purple silk pantsuit with bright yellow makeup to match her accessories. She informs me that District 12 is gearing up for a festival to celebrate the rebuilding. She tells me about the new District Council and all of the good works that have been taking place. What brings me planted firmly back down to earth, since I'm still reeling with guilt over the whole Delly thing, is what she tells me next. Apparently, the two remaining Victors in the district are very actively involved with the restructuring.

"Yes, Haymitch Abernathy is a very influential member of the District Council. And Katniss Everdeen is instrumental in the effort to expand the district resources beyond its former borders. Great things are happening there! I'm surprised you didn't know." _Well_ , I think, _if anyone actually talked to me I'd have known_.

I snap back to reality as she continues, "It was so nice to finally meet you, Peeta. I've been a big fan since the 74th Hunger Games. It's good to see you've moved on and have a new woman in your life." She motions to Delly as she says this. I correct her quickly.

"Oh, no. We're not together. We're just friends."

"Well, it's good to see you doing well anyway. Take care, Peeta."

I can't understand why Haymitch never told me all of this. Then again, it's not like we talked that often. It sounds like things are changing back home. I've been so wrapped up in myself and moving my life forward, I haven't really kept my ear to the ground on what's really going on back home. Then it hits me. I need to go back to District 12, if just for a visit. I need to see her. If things between us haven't really changed, then I'll return to District 4 and not look back.

* * *

 

**Katniss' POV.**

Sae and I are becoming closer. I'm glad I have her in my life. She tells me when I need to get my shit together. She hugs me when I need it. I know what she's trying to do when she puts my hunting gear in the hall closet. I miss my mom, Gale, and Prim. When I allow myself to admit it, I realize I miss Peeta, too. Terribly. The next time I head to my closet is after the. It's after my phone conversation with him that I open the closet door and it hits me in the face: my father's jacket, my bow and quiver and my boots.

After I allow myself a couple of days to wallow in self-pity, I decide to plan a visit to _my_ woods for the first time in a very long time. I can almost smell fresh dewy grass and wet dirt; feel the crunch of brush under my boots. The call of woodland animals and the smell of the early morning air always made me happy. I suddenly feel lighter. _Katniss will pick whoever she thinks she can't survive without._ I don't have either one of them now. And I'm not exactly surviving either. Time to change that!

That first day in the woods is a hard one. I bring my bow along but miss practically everything in my path. Because there's been little hunting in the region lately, the game is teeming. Scarcity of prey is not a valid excuse for me. I spend most of my time wandering around reacquainting myself with the landscape. I do manage to bag one squirrel, though I hit it in the side of the head instead of the eye like I used to. I make my way to the lake and rest on top of a large rock that juts out next to a small waterfall and hangs over the lakebed. I unwrap the lunch that I packed from random things in my kitchen. The sun warms my face in spite of the fact that it's chilly enough to require a jacket. I snack on the crackers, cheese and fruit in silence and think about all of those I miss. But, the thoughts don't pull me completely under as they would if I were at home, in bed or curled up inside my closet. I drop the squirrel off to Sae and head home alone.

The house is so deathly quiet, it's nearly unbearable. As I'm waiting for some of Sae's leftover rabbit stew to heat up, I do something that I rarely do. I flick on the television. Panem TV is dominated these days with stories about district recovery and rebuilding; that is, when they're not replaying clips of the rebellion and the Games to remind the citizens how far we've come. I know that Gale is in some high-level position in District 2, and I'm hoping maybe I get a glimpse of him. I'm not sure why, since he's the last person I'd want to talk to right now. But what I see when I turn on the television is not Gale...it's much worse. It's gut-wrenching, in fact. I see _him_. He's standing there talking to a reporter and wearing his favorite white t-shirt and a pair of grey work jeans. He's regained most of his muscle mass, is a little tanner (which is hard for him with that fair skin of his) and his hair is a little blonder and a little longer. _He really needs a haircut_ , I think. My heart is pounding as I remember what those arms felt like when I slept between them. The sound of his voice is so warm and welcoming that I find myself moving towards the television and sitting on the floor. He's talking about his recent move to the district and his work in assisting citizens with funding for starting businesses. I'm so lost in his voice that it takes a couple of seconds to process what I see next. As the camera view widens I see standing next to him and staring up at him with googly eyes is none other than Delly Cartwright! She can hardly answer the reporter's questions without cutting glances at Peeta. She's so obviously into him. As it turns out Delly, is a recent transplant to District 4 as well. _Transplant, my ass! More like heat-seeking missile!_

_When did Delly Cartwright move to District 4?_

_Is this why Peeta chose to move there?_

_Was there always more to their friendship than he let on?_

I'm coherent enough in my rage to process that the news piece is on people who have moved to the area to help with restructuring. Although that district didn't get annihilated like District 12, its local government took a hit as many of its members fought and died in the rebellion. The camera switches to another story while I'm still staring in disbelief at the television. I'm overwhelmed with feelings I don't even understand. I don't know where to place them or what to do with them, let alone where they come from.

 _Isn't this exactly what I pushed him away to do? To find someone else better than me? Someone who could give him babies?_ _But, Delly! Seriously? Are you kidding me? How could he? He's supposed to love me. Always. What a liar! It's just as well. It would have happened eventually anyway. He'd have chosen her. She's his type. They're from the same class and understand each other. They have a lot in common and share a past I could never relate to. . She'll want to give him lots of babies, I'm sure. Besides, she's whole and pretty. Her skin is not jacked up. Her mind is not addled like mine. She'll take good care of him and he deserves her._

I clutch the rug in front of the television as I try to catch my breath. I feel myself slipping into the worst dark place I've had since Prim's death. I wrap my arms around my knees and rock back and forth, breathing hard. Haymitch bursts through the door as if the house is in flames. He sees the television on the Panem news channel.

"Aw, damn, sweetheart! I'd hoped you'd missed that. Come here."

He sits down next to me, wraps his arms around me and rocks me like a baby. I've never seen Haymitch like this with anyone, let alone me. The surprise of this unexpected attention from him keeps me from going completely under. He coos to me and tells me that I will be happy someday.

"The worst thing you can do is run and hide from this. There's no shame in loving someone, Katniss." Haymitch never uses my name.

"That boy loves you, don't you ever doubt that. I don't care who he's with. But he also wants to be happy. He wants to move on and he'll do it one way or another, with or without you. Stop punishing yourself and everyone around you. It's not going to reverse what's happened. Trust me, I know. I've been punishing myself for years and look what it's gotten me. I'm a lonely old drunk with no one to love or to love me."

My head snaps up at this, but I can't tell Haymitch that I _love_ him. But, I do. I love him for all he's done for me.

"You don't want to end up like me, Katniss. Whether you find your way to Peeta or not, you need to let go of the guilt and start living for _you_. Not for Prim or Rue or Finnick, but for Katniss. It's time to find yourself again. The world ain't gonna stop spinning because you decide to bury your ass in your closet." Haymitch has a way of putting things that makes me pay attention and stop feeling sorry for myself. I let my body lean into his and the sobs take over.

"I'm ashamed that I've let you go on like this for as long as you have, sweetheart." His voice thickens as if he's holding back his own pain. "You're not the only one who's selfish. I should've gotten in your shit a long time ago. Maybe the boy would still be here if I hadda talked some sense into you."

"Haymitch, stop. This is all my doing. Making me face myself was not your job. The funny thing is, this is what I thought I wanted." I motion towards the television.

What I do next is something I couldn't have done months ago, before Peeta left and brought me to my lowest point. I start to think about all the people who have been supportive of me. Haymitch kept me grounded and taught me how to stay alive. Effie calls often and writes letters, even though I don't answer them. Greasy Sae cooks and cleans and has virtually become a mother to me. Little Maya makes me laugh and think of something other than my own pain. Even Annie and Johanna try to reach out to me, although I don't return the favor. And I can't forget Peeta, as betrayed as I feel right now. He loved me at one time. He showed me what a heart feels like when it's in love. He saved me with his kindness more than once.

I decide it's time to survive...without Gale, without Peeta, or even my mother. I realize that old saying is true. _'You can't come up until you hit rock-bottom.'_ Well, rock-bottom tastes a lot like dirt. When my father died, I realized how much of a survivor I really was. I did it out of necessity and my love for Prim. I know my feelings now are fueled by anger and jealousy. But, I also know it's time. If I'm too much of a fucking coward to kill myself, I need to stop being a burden to those who want to see me survive.

* * *

I decide to take Dr. Aurelius' advise about routine. The routine of getting showered and dressed daily, whether I wanted to or not, helped me to deal with the crushing weight of carrying my own body throughout the day. I was eventually able to prepare my own meals and clean up after myself and even care for Maya when Sae got too busy. I know adding the tranquility of the woods to my daily routine will lead to something good. I go to the woods the next day, bright and early. I bring my bow and quiver but don't feel motivated to use it. Facing so much death and destruction is starting to give me a distaste for killing...even for food. I don't exactly need to kill for survival now, which makes it even harder. Hunting for survival has become such a habit that I haven't yet questioned.

Instead I walk around looking at the scenery, listening to the peaceful sounds. I take up a spot on a toppled tree and wonder if it fell during the bombing. I think about Peeta's family and how they must've run, scared for their lives. I've been so selfish and self-absorbed. He's lost every member of his family all at once! I close my eyes and still my breath, clear my mind. I take in the smell of the earth, the slight dampness of the dew seeping through from the tree to my trousers. I hear squirrels skittering about high up in the trees. Mockingjays, those that have survived, pass on a tune from branch to branch. I've never been particularly religious, but I feel a strong desire to say a prayer of remembrance for Peeta's family and all those lost in the rebellion. I ask for forgiveness for my selfishness. In the distance, I hear the babbling of the waters and the life that surrounds it.

I pick up my gear and head to the lake. Once there, I perch myself atop the rock that Gale and I claimed as our own. Memories of Prim bubble to the surface and threaten to take me under, but, I grab a hold of my psyche. I calm my body just as I did on the fallen tree and think of all the good things Prim left to the earth: A sense of duty, compassion for animals and all things living, a determination to live, and her fierce love of her family. Her simple goodness charmed just about everyone who met her. In those respects she was so much like...Peeta. The realization is staggering to me. No wonder I love them both so much! I think of my father and how he taught me to swim in this very lake. He taught me to hunt and how to survive. All of those lessons had helped me to save Prim and mother...and Peeta. It gave me the skills to survive both arenas and the rebellion. I say a prayer of remembrance for Prim and father. I ask for forgiveness for my lack of thankfulness for all the good they'd given me; for only focusing on the pain of losing them.

I make one more stop: The meadow. I've avoided it since I was shaken out of my dark place, afraid that it would pull me under again. _Stop being a coward, Katniss! You have to do this!_ I move slowly forward and feel my heart begin to pound. My breath hitches in my throat. I can still see the unevenness of the earth, where it was dug up to bury the bodies months ago. I've lost all sense of reality. I know this will not be easy, but I must make peace. My knees buckle and I hit damp earth.

I can almost hear them screaming! Mothers are running, clutching their babies to their chests. Children scream out in pain. The smell of burning skin filling the air is nauseating! But, the assault does not stop. Peeta's family...running for their lives with fear altering their faces. _It wasn't my fault! The Capitol did this! I hate them for it!_ But, I can't let the hate consume me. Every time I push away happiness, Snow wins. I'm sick of him winning.

"You took everything important from me, but you can't have _me_ , Snow."

I sob uncontrollably until there are no more tears...only dry heaving. When I come to, I'm lying on the ground clutching bits of earth in my hands. I'm so tired and can barely keep my eyes open. I don't know how long I've been lying there, but I feel flushed and my hair clings to my sweaty forehead. I push myself up and look out at the meadow. Judging from the position of the sun, it's early evening. There's still work to do, but I feel...hopeful. I've never been a praying woman, but I begin to ask for guidance from those who have passed on before me. Prim. Rue. Finnick. Boggs. Daddy!

_Daddy, what do I do? I'm so lost! I need you so much. I've lost mom, Prim, Gale and now Peeta. I miss you. Please help me. Give me a sign that you're still here for me and I promise I'll never again forget what's important. I'll do better. I've been so selfish, Daddy. I drove him away because I was too afraid to open up and tell him how I felt. I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I couldn't be there for those who needed me. And it hurts...bad. I'm tired. I need you._

I feel the breeze suddenly pick up, cooling the sweat on my face and scalp. In the distance, a Mockingjay begins to sing. I go home and tear my closet apart until I find Peeta's pearl. It's still in the pocket of a pair of drab, gray pants I wore in District 13. I sleep with it clutched in my fist that I shove under my pillow all night. The next morning I carefully place it in my jewelry box. This begins a new ritual that I don't even understand myself.

I continue my daily trips to the woods. At first it is for no other reason than the fact that it makes me feel better. I feel closer to my father. Eventually, I give up hunting because I cannot bear to continue taking lives. Besides, the winnings from the games combined with the lifetime war pension from the Capitol ensure that I will never want for food again. I become a gatherer instead, expanding my knowledge about wild plants and flowers. I collect medicinal plants and provide them to the new holistic physician that transplanted from District 11. Kasie Patin is her name and she looks like she could be Rue's older sister with her dark coloring, dark eyes and curly hair. Although formally trained at the best medical school in the Capitol, she employs many herbal remedies in her practice, relying on the heavier stuff only when necessary. She treats the patients of District 12 with an amazing respect for our local culture. Something we'd never expected from an outsider. I provide wild spices, herbs, roots and greens to Greasy Sae, local cooks and anyone who doesn't have the privilege of spending all day in the woods. I have more money than I'll ever know what to do with.

Many insist on paying me anyway, especially those from the Seam. I understand although I take the money reluctantly.I funnel it back to local vendors to help provide services to those who cannot afford them. Some goes to the local clinic to help Dr. Patin supplement what the Capitol provides. Some goes to fund the chuck wagon Sae has set up to feed the rebuilding crews. When new families move to the District looking for a place to start over with nothing but the clothes on their backs, I use the money to help provide everything from clothing to school supplies and even lumber to build homes.

I use my knowledge of the forest to assist a development crew that is looking at expansion into some parts of the forest. Thom Granger, Gale's old friend from the mines, is the leader of the effort and gladly takes me under his wing to help scout out spots that are safe to rebuild while respecting the natural resources surrounding the old boundaries of District 12. He likes my work ethic and begins relying on me more and more. The old fence is still in place for the time being, but it's no longer a barrier to freedom. Its intent is to keep wild animals out instead of the citizens in.

My focus on routine is what keeps me going, and I guess that makes me a valuable member team of the rebuilding team. I spend a lot of time with Thom exploring the forest and drawing out maps to provide to the construction crews. Because of the gathering that I'm doing, I eat more vegetables and not so much meat. I'll always be a meat eater, I think. But the vegetation I discover is just so tasty. That feeling of being alive and solid is returning to my muscles. My legs get stronger from the treks into the woods. My hair grows back where it's been burned out thanks to my new diet, exercise and some follicle treatments from Dr. Patin via the Capitol. If I didn't know better, I'd say that it's thicker than before. Who knows what the Capitol pumped into this stuff to make that happen! But, Dr. Patin assures me of its safety.

Sae still comes by to cook and chat occasionally, I think more for the company than to check up on me. I make sure to use my skin cream so that I don't have to lie to her, and can see some of the scarring start to blend. The patchwork of skin is still visible, but my outdoors activities and healthy eating have caused the tone to take on a deep, healthy glow, all the while keeping my dark Seam coloring. I still struggle with nightmares. Peeta still calls and talks to Sae often, but I won't take his calls. I don't want to. I'm angry at him for all the wrong reasons. I'm ashamed of how I've acted. I feel betrayed even though I have no right to feel so. But life, overall, is improving.

A couple of months after Peeta left us, District 12 citizens decided to elect a new District Council to govern us. Haymitch decided to throw his hat in the ring and actually got elected as a member. I could hardly believe it! When I asked him why, he simply said,

"Sweetheart, I have no family, no love in my life, no job. All I have are those damn geese and my white liquor. I'm not getting any younger and for the first time I want something more in my life than just nursing hangovers. Being a Victor has brought me nothing but heartache. So, maybe I can put my money where my mouth is and use that status to help make things better."

All I can do is smile at him. He never fails to surprise me.

One of the first acts of the new Council is to declare a day of celebration of our new-found freedom. The festival is dubbed the Phoenix Festival, indicating our district's rise from the ashes. A subcommittee is formed to come up with events and coordinate the event. When I see how involved Haymitch is, it inspires me to try and help out in any way that I can. I volunteer for the planning committee, not quite sure what it is I'll help do.

Since Thom is also on the planning committee, we spend a lot of time discussing the festival, the influx of people coming back home and how best to serve their needs with new programs, businesses and resources. He reminds me a lot of Gale with his no-nonsense attitude and his fiery passion for the underserved. My time on the development crew and the festival planning committee definitely help to keep my mind from drifting back to my dark places. But, the nights are still cold and lonely. The more aware I am of the life blossoming around me, the lonelier I feel. The more I am aware of my solitude when I'm home. People are rebuilding their lives and moving on inspite of their losses. Widows are finding love and even remarrying. Families are taking in orphaned children and they're thriving as much as can be expected. People are taking up trades and skills that they actually want to do, rather than the Capitol-dictated work they were assigned before.

I spend most of my time finding excuses to get out of my house and into town to avoid the loneliness. I usually take lunch with the development crew and dinner in town on the nights I have planning committee meetings. I sometimes stay out as late as midnight, often visiting Sae in the evening when I return from my work day and meetings. Sometimes I spend the night at Peeta's house with Sae and Maya, but his place reminds me too much of him and my night screams scare little Maya. Mostly, I just stay busy and keep moving, filling my time up with new distractions.

One of the new things I've started to work on is a book of all of the people who have touched me, both living and gone. I got the idea the day I decided to be thankful for all of those who'd helped me survive. I spoke with Dr. Aurelius about this and he was so encouraging that he shipped to me some pretty high quality scrapbooking material to get me started. While my focus is now in the present, I want to honor those who are no longer here, but no less important to me. I begin gathering items that remind me of each person and jotting down little remembrances of them. Like the way Finnick taught me to knot the rope as a distraction from my thoughts. I actually find that rope in my old things from District 13. I remove a couple of strands and glue them to the page I write about Finnick. When I was out gathering one day, I came across a patch of Rue flowers and picked some to dry and place on Rue's page. And, of course, thanks to Peeta, I have Primroses to remind me of my sister. I also uncover some old photos in my mother's room of her and my father's toasting day. An old ribbon of Prim's is set aside to go alongside the dried petals of her primroses. There will also be a page for each tribute to the 74th and 75th games, Cinna, Effie, my prep team, Portia, Boggs, Annie, Finnick & Little Finn, Johanna, Gale and even Plutarch. Each day I remember a different person who needs to be added, and I put them on the list. I don't have the emotional strength to work on the book every day, but when I finish a page my soul feels lighter. As each page is finished, it is bound into the book which will go alongside the plant book my father started many years ago. I tell Haymitch about my little project but, he has no interest in helping. He will provide me with stories and information when I need it, but he declines all requests to help out.

Occasionally, my mom calls from District 2 to check on me and tell me that she misses me. In the beginning, I resented this. I couldn't understand how she could miss me and choose to abandon me at the same time. But, I understand that the path to forgiving myself includes forgiving others. I realize my mom and I have so much in common. We both chose to retreat to a dark place rather than facing the pain of loss. So, for those reasons I forgive her and _try_ to understand.

Sae was at my house the first time my mother called. She answered the phone.

"Good morning, Mrs. Everdeen." Sae says with just a slight touch of salt. "Yes, she's right here where she's been since the trial. She's doin' just fine, ma'am. A real pleasure for me to take care of your daughter. Hold one second."

She hands me the phone with her mouth set tightly.

"Katniss? Hey, sweetie! How are you? My gosh, I miss you so much!" I immediately start crying. The emotions of the last few months have caught up with me and I'm just a wreck. I've scarcely allowed myself time to stop and think about my feelings lately. I've been focusing on others which in a strange way has helped me to begin healing, but has also left me lacking in contemplation of my own emotions. Hearing her say that she misses me angers the little girl in me. _How can you miss me and abandon me?_ But, the woman in me speaks up and reminds me that she has her own demons to battle. And I know how easy it is to slip into that dark place and push away those you love. _The way I pushed Peeta away_.

She tells me about Gale and his new job in District 2. He has a pretty important position in Paylor's administration as a Peacetime Liaison to the Districts. _Whatever that means_. Mom works long hours as a nurse in the district hospital to keep her mind off Prim. It's how she copes. She tells me how sorry she is for disappearing on me once again. She tells me that she knows about Peeta's move to District 4 and I know she must've seen that interview on Panem News. She doesn't let on, though, probably for fear of upsetting me. She also tells me that she wants to come and visit.

"I was thinking of coming to the Phoenix Festival in a couple of months. Would it be okay if I stay with you for a week?"

I don't know what to say, but how can I tell my mother that I'm not prepared for her to stay with me. "Sure, mom. That would be…fine."

"I'm glad, baby. I've run away from those bad memories from home long enough…of losing your father and then Prim. I think I'm ready to face all it now. I know I can with you right beside me. But, you don't have to talk about or face anything that makes you uncomfortable."

"No, mom. I _need_ to talk about it; especially with you.I'm learning so much about myself and how I should and shouldn't handle things I've never had time to think about before. I've never had to think about things that normal teenage girls think about. And now I'm just so screwed up." Now the tears start to flow and the words I've been holding back gush forward. I can barely speak between the sobs, but I feel like she's one of the few people who will understand where I'm coming from because of her history.

"Mom, I've been so horrible to Peeta. I pushed him away and now I think he's never coming back. The damage is irreversible this time."

"Katniss, baby, calm down, okay?"

I draw in deep shaky breaths that make me sound like I'm about 4 years old. My breathing finally stabilizes. "I'm okay."

"Katniss? Honey?" my mom whispers. "Do you love Peeta?" I'm _speechless_. I don't know what to say. I've never _had_ to admit it to anyone. Let alone, my mother! I've only had to pretend to love him, but even then I felt just enough to be somewhat convincing. My feelings for Peeta grew out of the darkness of the rebellion, not out of the bright lights of the Capitol's cameras. It wasn't until the attention was taken away from us, the Star-Crossed Lovers, that I had time to really contemplate what he meant to me. By then, he couldn't be in my presence without raging. I've never been asked this, and the fact that I can't say no tells me all I need to know.

"I don't know, mom. I mean…how am I supposed to know that I _love_ someone rather than just caring deeply about them? We haven't exactly had a normal friendships like most people would."

"Well, think about how you felt about Prim and your father." _Bad examples, for sure._ But I give it some real thought.

"I just know that when I was with Peeta, everything, even the worst things, were better because he was there with me. I know that when we were in the Quell, even though we both were facing death, all I could think about was saving him. He can make me smile when it's the last thing I want to do. I know that when I lost him, I nearly lost all hope that I would ever be really happy ever again. I know that I would sacrifice anything for him to be happy and whole. I know that the thought of losing him scares me…so…much…I'd rather not have him than face that. So…I guess…yeah, I do…love him…or something like that."

"Hon, from what you just described to me, you _definitely_ do _love_ Peeta. I may not be the best person to tell you this, but please hear me out. Don't let the fear of loss keep you from showing him your heart. No matter how much your father's death affected me, I'm thankful EVERY SINGLE DAY that I had my time with him; and you and Prim are a product of that love. It was when I realized this that I snapped out of the terrible funk that I was in all those years. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you more, and it looks like I've passed down a terrible legacy to you. Please don't pass up an opportunity to open your heart to Peeta because you're afraid to lose him. Please don't repeat my mistakes. Grab this moment and choose whatever is going to make you happy! Love him with all that you have and be thankful that we've all come through this thing together."

"The thing is, mom, I'm probably already too late."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted for the devoted Everlarker who didn't want Peeta to sleep with anyone besides Katniss. I could never do that. Here you go!  
> :-))


	6. Hometown Glory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they meet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6 is inspired by Hometown Glory by Adele

**Peeta's POV.**

As it turns out, my concern over Katniss seeing the interview with Delly was the least of my problems. In spite of the fact that Panem is recovering from a rebellion that changed our government and cost thousands of lives, the Capitol still has a thirst for trash television. As soon as the interview hit the wire, news bytes surfaced with speculative headlines like  ** _Trouble in Victor Paradise?_**  and  ** _When the Katniss is Away...The Peeta Will Play_**. If she missed the original airing, she's sure to get bombarded with the aftershock. I feel terrible as I scan the headlines at a local newsstand on the way to work.

"Well, looks like our relationship is in jeopardy and I didn't even know we had one."

After a conversation with Johanna and all of the hoopla around the interview, I decide to plan a visit to District 12 for the following week. I don't tell anyone except my roommates, Greasy Sae since she's living in my house, and a couple of key folks at the office. I swear Sae to secrecy and she's a more than willing participant. Johanna and Annie are totally supportive, reminding me also that they are planning to attend the Phoenix Festival, the rebuilding celebration planned for District 12, in a couple of months. I pack and board the train with a one way ticket, hoping to come into town unannounced. I haven't decided on a return date; that will come later.

* * *

 

As I walk through the town center, the bright red banners announcing the upcoming Phoenix Festival jump out at me. There's a more colorful, cheerful feel to the square that was not there before. The festival will be part memorial and part celebration in honor of those who lost their lives, as well as the opening of the new Justice Building and the inauguration of the new government structure. I walk past the merchant's square and stand in the spot where my family's bakery used to stand.

Ash and soot still cover the floor of what used to be my home. I've avoided this spot as much as possible since the end of the rebellion. Being away in District 4 hasn't made dealing with that reality any easier. The Mellark's Bakery legacy that's been in my family for decades is now gone; wiped out in an instant. I picture my dad, mother and my brothers, Bing and Barley, running for their lives. The smell of burnt earth and charred flesh still hang faintly in the air. I can almost see the glass store front with cakes, pies, breads and cookies, all prepared by my family's hands under my father's expert eyes; the very same glass against which Prim would press her face and stare at the goodies inside. On more than one occasion, I would step out during a busy rush and sneak her a treat just before Katniss would come along and pull her away and before my mother would catch me giving away inventory. Prim had reminded me of this when she cared for me in the District 13 psyche ward. I can see clear through the back of the bakery where the pigs were kept and where Katniss huddled, cold, wet and hungry, just before I threw her the bread.

The bakery helped to define who I am. It was my home. It housed my craft…my future…my family. It nurtured my work ethic. Hell, the decorating skills I learned here even saved my life in the Games! It was the site where my and Katniss' paths were forever intertwined. It sheltered those I loved. As dysfunctional as we were, there was love here. Our parents took pride in the boys they raised. Mom was most proud when we were all clean and neatly dressed. She took some secret pride in the envy with which some people would regard our family. We never spoke of it, but we knew it. It was one of the reasons she was so hard on us. The lashes she dealt us were based out of a fear of returning to the pain of her own childhood. She was hard on us because she didn't want us to live like she once did. Now, as for dad, his main source of pride was our character. The way Barley, with his wicked sense of humor, was always bringing home some stray animal that sent mother into fits. He took pride in Bing's uncommon dedication to work and living honestly. And, then there was me. I was the youngest and probably a combination of my dad and my two older brothers. Mother and I had our differences, but I certainly take my tenacity and attention to detail from her. I miss them all! I would take back every fault and welcome every unkind word or unjust whipping just to have one last hug and look at them one last time to tell them that I love them.

I didn't expect to be on an emotional roller coaster within the first hour of my return, but I'm glad I didn't avoid the bakery site all together. Being away in District 4 helps me avoid dealing with the physical manifestation of my family's death. But, it's time to grow up and face reality. Being away will not make it easier.

I head past the merchant square to my place, wondering when and if I'll run into Katniss. The first person I see as I walk through the gates is Haymitch. He's out front feeding his geese. As I approach him, he reaches out to pull me into a hug.

"Hey, there boy! Glad to have you back here. Did you finally ditch those 2 loonies in District 4 for the loonies in District 12?"

"No, I'm just here for an extended visit. Not sure how long I'll stay. Just depends."

He gives me a knowing nod "Uh-hunh. Good timing. Saw you on TV the other night." You  
can't get anything past this man! I quickly change the subject.

"Well are you gonna help me with my stuff into the house? Come chat?"

"Nah, a big, strapping young man like yourself can handle your own damn luggage. I'll be over later. Hey, seen the Girl on Fire yet?"

"No, not yet." He gives me a wink and I head up to my place next door.

When I enter I'm greeted by big hugs from Greasy Sae and Maya. There's the smell of rabbit stew that I didn't even know that I missed until now. "Made 'specially for you, Peeta!"

We finish our dinner while Sae and I chat a bit. I'm anxious to find Katniss, but decide to settle my things into my old bedroom instead. Sae has kept things spotless and lived-in, to say the least. I'm glad she's here. I'm so exhausted when I'm finished that I just shower and head straight to bed. That night, my nightmares visit me again and I wake up in a cold sweat. For a moment, I forget where I am until I realize that I'm back home. And suddenly I can't wait until morning so I can figure out how I'm going face Katniss. I get up and walk over to my window and look out at hers. Her lights are off and the window is up. I wonder if she's home; if she's awake or asleep. But, I make myself wait until morning.

I decide the best way to say "I'm back" is with cheese buns. So, the next morning, I get up bright and early to make them as a surprise for Katniss. She doesn't answer when I knock, so I leave them on the porch in a covered basket and head back to plan my day. I spend a couple of hours helping Sae out with some minor repairs at the house before deciding to head into town to look around some more at the progress.

That's when I see her. She's standing in a vacant site near the new drugstore talking animatedly with a group of people about something. They appear to be looking over a map or a set of plans laid out on a wooden table. She looks beautiful in a green t-shirt, dirty jeans and a pair of old, worn tennis shoes. Her braid is flicking about her back as she shakes her head in disagreement to some hot topic of debate. As I approach, my heart beats wildly and time slows down. She looks up and I'm a goner once again.

I continue walking towards the group, praying that my body does not betray me. The group of people falls silent as they look between the two of us. I see Thom Granger, Gale's old friend, looking from Katniss to me and back again. Katinss keeps her eyes on me, holding my gaze intently. I can't tell if she's shocked or pissed or happy to see me. She doesn't blink or show expression at first. Everything else seems to fade away as we stand there awkwardly staring at each other, for I don't know how long. A small smile starts to slowly spread across her face.

"Hi, Peeta." I move in for a hug before I lose the nerve. She smells like the forest; like fresh cut grass and lemon verbena. As much as I want to linger in that hug, I release her in the socially appropriate time.

"Hi, Katniss. I just got back into town. How are…?"

"Well, I hope you weren't trying to keep it a secret. Effie called me yesterday and asked if you'd arrived yet." Now she looks a little upset.

At this point the group has ceased to exist for us and they bid us good-bye, saying things I'm barely aware of because my brain is fuzzy.

"If you're headed home, I can walk with you and explain." We fall in step with each other, but the air is still a bit awkward.

"So, Effie knew I was coming? I didn't tell many people about my plans."

"Well, you _are_ a Victor. Nothing you do is private anymore. Were you trying to sneak in and out quickly? Why keep it a secret?"

"Honestly, Katniss, I thought you'd run away and not talk to me if you knew I was coming. I heard from a Capitol reporter about all of the good things you and Haymitch are doing here, so I thought I'd come look around."

"Wow, someone from the Capitol told you what I was doing here? Those people know every damn thing!"

"Well, you are a Victor, Miss Everdeen. Nothing you do is private anymore. " She gives me that famous Katniss scowl, and I just about melt. "Well, they didn't tell me everything. I got a lot of my info from Sae. Since you never seemed to want to talk to me." She nervously looks away and begins fiddling with the end of her braid. "I'm glad to see you doing well, Katniss." She smiles and we walk a few paces in silence before she speaks again.

"Peeta, I'm sorry about not calling or writing…" She doesn't get to finish her sentence. By this time, we've reached the gates of Victor's Village and who is running down the path from my front porch? Delly!  _What the hell is she doing here!_

Katniss' eyes grow dark. Delly runs toward us with her arms open and wraps Katniss in a big hug. And just like that, she's gone again; escaped from my grasp. She stalks away into her house and slams the door.

* * *

**Katniss' POV**

When Effie called on the previous day to ask if Peeta had arrived, I nearly dropped the phone.

"Yes, dear. I have it on good authority that Peeta is planning to visit District 12 shortly. A dear friend of mine works with the same program he's involved with in District 4. Apparently he's taken an extended leave for a couple of months. I'm sorry, dear. I just thought you knew; what with that whole Delly Cartwright scandal and all."

"Effie, Peeta is free to date whomever he wants."  _I can't believe this is happening._

"I hear you dear, but I have always rooted for my star-crossed lovers and I'm not going to stop because some frizzy-headed bimbo has her eyes on our Peeta. Besides, she's out of her  
league! Ugh!"  _I always did like Effie_.

"So, Katniss. I usually mind my own business, but I must speak up when it comes to you two. Sweetie, you need to fight for your man."

"How can I fight for him when I'm not even supposed to know he's coming? Maybe he doesn't even want me to know he's coming. "

"Now, does that make sense to you? You live right next door to him, for heaven's sake! No, Katniss. Peeta loves you. This I know. But, he's not going to force the issue with you. And you'd better wake up to the reality of that. If you want him, you'd better go get him. You're not getting any younger, dear. And neither is he, if you get my drift. Pretty soon his thoughts will turn to settling down and becoming a real grownup. Now, just take my words as they are."

I'm speechless only because I know Effie is right and I hate it when she's right. As trivial as she makes it all sound, she's right. Peeta's not going to wait forever for me to decide how I feel about him…about us. And if I really do…love…him, I won't make him wait. No matter what my stance has been on marriage and relationships, I know that I love him. Progressive Progress, that's what Dr. Aurelius taught me.

"Katniss," he said, "we don't always have to have all the answers before we move to the next phase in our lives. You make your life decisions based on what you hold dear and true today, in this moment. And with time, other important decisions will come into play. By then you'll have new information and new experiences to draw upon. You don't have to be ready for marriage to admit you love Peeta. And you don't have to be ready for children just because you decide to get married."

That made perfect sense to me. But, I have virtually no experience in these matters of love. Most of my teenage years were spent fighting for my life and taking care of my family.

"So, dear, while he's there, here's what you do. If there's a particular color that he likes, wear it every chance you get. If he likes your hair a certain way, fix it that way on purpose. Smile at him, look him in the eyes and laugh at his corny jokes. Oh, and a good meal or two won't hurt."

I can't help but laugh at this whole conversation. I've evaded death in two arenas and been the spokes model for a bloody rebellion and here's Effie-Frickin-Trinket giving me advice on how to catch a man! A man who has been through the same things, no less! But, I can't help but love Effie. She means well.

I chuckle and express my sincere thanks for the advice and tell her that I will keep her posted. I leave out the fact that I don't expect much to come of Peeta's visit; not as far as we're concerned. When he left, he made his wishes abundantly clear. We say our farewells for the moment.

My sessions with Dr. Aurelius have opened up a lot of things I've locked away and refused to deal with. My meditations in the forest give me that quiet space I needed to think. I've always been so connected to my physical being: starving, bleeding, killing, surviving. I've never really had time, until now, to think about what's ahead and what kind of life I may want to live. I'm still not so sure about having children. But, I do know that I don't want to be alone. And I know that Peeta is the ONLY man I've ever trusted besides Gale and my father. A relationship between me and Gale was eliminated as a possibility long before the rebellion took my sister. I'd trust Peeta with my life. I'd give my life for him, if I had the chance. The thought of spending time with him every day doesn't make me squirm in the way it would have if it were someone else.

The next morning, I head into town early to the meet-up point for my work group. There are a few district maps that need to be modified to ensure we're not building on top of the mines. As I'm talking to the crew, they all fall silent at once. When I look up, Peeta's standing there looking at me as though he was in shock. Thank God he was in shock, because my heart just about leapt out of my chest and I needed the time to recover. But, I kept myself steady thanks to all those years of hunting. I didn't even notice when everyone else left. He looked so good, it was all I could do to not let my eyes do a little roaming. How is it that he can make me think of such things at such awkward moments is beyond me!

I know my face is flushed because I feel all warm inside when we're walking towards the Village and talking. It's a little awkward, but I'm so glad I ran into him. Until…

…I see that damn Delly Cartwright running towards us with her arms spread like a chicken hawk ready to take my head off. And she's coming from Peeta's house. She hugs me like she's lost her mind. I don't hear a word she's saying because all I can think about is that this must be why Peeta came back. He's here to show off his new relationship to his friends. I snap back to reality and realize that Peeta does not belong to me and I run into my house nearly tripping over a basket of cheese bus. I lock the door and don't come back out until the next day.

* * *

**Peeta's POV**

I'm normally a pretty kind and patient guy. But, I'm pissed now. I turn on Delly in a way that she's never seen me before.

"Delly! What. The Hell. Are You Doing Here?" She looks at me with in bewilderment.

"Peeta, I've been trying for days to call you and tell you. But, you wouldn't call me back. I'm here to claim the plot of land my parents owned. You know, where our dress shop was. The Capitol is giving survivors the option to claim the land for use or to take a subsidy on it, and I have to decide. You should've told me you were coming here. We could've travelled together."

I start pacing back and forth cursing myself for not being more forthright with her about us. "What is it, Peeta?"

"How did you know I was here?"

"Well, I…"

"How, Delly?"

"I was going to surprise you at your office one day, since you wouldn't call me back, and the receptionist told me that you took a leave of absence to come back here. Peeta…"

She moves in close, too close, and rubs her hand along my arm. I back away. "Please don't do that. You've done enough, thanks. I'm not buying the innocent act, Delly. You know what you're doing. You know me well enough to realize that if I wanted you to know, I'd have told you myself. I told you there was nothing between us. Dell, we're friends. That's it! Nothing more." She looks at me, tears rimming the bottom of her eyes and her chin quivering, but I don't care.

"Well, as your friend, Peeta Mellark, I'm here to tell you that it's time to move on and stop chasing her!"

"Look, you've seen the headlines and you know that Katniss has seen them, too. When you follow me around and show up unannounced at my job it gives people the impression that there's something more between us when there's not. Now, she thinks that!"

"Well, when has she _ever_ returned your feelings, Peeta, _huh_? She's shown you in more ways than one that she doesn't want to be with you. She doesn't appreciate you. But, I do! And if you're too stupid to see that, then to hell with you!"

I simply walk away rather than responding, feeling terrible that I may have ruined a lifelong friendship. Delly just stands there with her mouth agape watching me walk inside. I see her walk away in a huff as I peer out the window.

When I enter the kitchen, Sae is looking at me with her mouth set hard. "Peeta, that girl came over here looking for you. She wanted to wait for you, but I told her that she really should just come back when you were home. She was persistent and just waited on the porch. Son, let me tell you something about women. When one has her sights on you, she won't stop until she's got you. You have to be firm with her and let her know, provided that's what you want."

"Thanks, Sae, but I think I just did that. I didn't even know she was coming here. I should've set her straight before we left District 4, but I chose to avoid her instead. My mistake. Now I'll pay for it, because Katniss is holed up over there in her house."

"Well, I'll go over and talk to her in a bit. Why don't you grab yourself some lunch. I'll see if I can get Katniss over to eat with us."

"Sae, can you tell me something else about women? If what you say is true, why doesn't Katniss come after me like Delly does?"

"Well, a girl like Delly sees you as a prize, a trophy to be won. A woman like Katniss sees you as her equal. She'd rather meet you halfway than snare you. She'll come after you…in her own way. You'll see. In the meantime, you tell that Delly girl to keep her distance! Or I will!" She gives me a curt nod and her warm toothless grin. I give her a big hug and tell her for the first time that I love her. She seems a little overwhelmed and grabs my hand before walking over to Katniss' place.

She comes back alone, so that tells me that Katniss is still angry.

"Well, she's not interested in seeing anyone right now, Peeta. I couldn't get much outta her. But, one thing I've learned about that young woman is that if left alone, she'll do what's right. Just don't push her and she'll come around."

I spend the rest of the day at home and turn in early. That night, I have a mild episode while sitting on the bed after my shower. Thankfully, they're no longer violent. But, they do make me blackout and I can't remember what I was doing or where I am.

* * *

 Later, in bed, I have one of the worst nightmares I've had since I dreamt of Snake-Mouthed-Katniss back in District 4. In this one, she's not a mutt. She's herself and she's wearing a white dress while dangling from a large hook that's descended from the sky. She's reaching out for me to save her, but when I try to reach her, a giant President Snow pulls her out of my reach. When I find a new way to reach her by climbing a tree or over the top of a building, she's pulled away once again by a different giant. The faces change each time, but it's always either Coin, Gale, Delly or Snow that's pulling her away from me. Then the ground underneath me catches fire and I have to run to higher ground. Coin holds Katniss suspended over the flames just enough to burn the bottoms of her feet and taunts me with the sight. I have to watch them torture her over the fire over and over again as she screams out my name. I wake up with a start to find Sae hovering over me.

"Peeta, wake up, hon. It's just a dream. Katniss is okay. She's right next door. You were moaning in your sleep. You had a bad dream."

I try to get back to sleep, but am not very successful. Katniss continues to avoid me for a solid week after that. I get up early to knock on her door to find that she's already gone or just doesn't answer. When I return in the evening her lights are already off, so I just move past her house. Even when Sae invites her to dinner, she doesn't show up. I walk around town hoping to run into her, but she apparently gives me the slip because we don't connect one time! I ask Sae to make sure she's not holed up in her closet and she assures me she's out and about. That, I'm thankful for.

On the day that I decide to go visit the new open market, which took the place of the Hob, I finally spot Katniss having lunch with Thom Granger. That's no big deal. The look on his face is a big deal. He seems to be mesmerized by every word she says. He's leaning into her with a shit-eating grin on his face. I'm a guy, and I know what this is. He's putting the moves on Katniss! She's smiling at him and talking excitedly about whatever. I've rarely seen her smile and she's smiling for this guy and it eats me up. I honestly saw Gale as my only competition for her. But, seeing her with someone else…this is different.


	7. One and Only

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Peeta mans-up.

**Peeta's POV.**

That night, I decide to go and talk to her and tell her that it's time for us to stop dancing around how we feel. I see the light on in her downstairs as I step out onto my porch. Haymitch has taken up post on his front porch next door, watching his flock and drinking, of course. I wave to him; he waves back. I steel myself and walk over.

She comes to the door at the first knock, indicating that she must've been downstairs already. What I see is not the Katniss from a couple of days ago, wearing her dirty work gear. I see a  _woman_  wearing a soft, light blue sundress with white flip flops. Her hair is pulled back softly away from her face. She looks radiant and flushed like she just took a warm bath. I can't help but think how beautiful she is. I'm tongue-tied.

"Oh, are you headed somewhere?"

She looks at me quizzically for a couple of seconds. "Oh, no. No. Thom is coming over with a new map of the meadow and we're going to mark out some spots to recon next week." I can smell the dinner coming from inside as I scan her from head to toe while it sinks in that another man will be enjoying this view.

"Oh. Are you guys…having dinner?" I look over her shoulder into the open doorway towards her kitchen as she nods. "Didn't you just have lunch together today?" I realize my slip of the tongue too late. She had no idea until now that I saw them earlier in the day having lunch. She's onto me. My filter is a little loose since the hijacking. The old Peeta would have remained gracious and left feeling hurt without uttering a wordand immersed myself into baking some cheese buns or something.  _But, not this guy. Not tonight._ I make note of the fact that she hasn't invited me over the threshold yet.

"Well, since he works so many hours and was kind enough to come all the way out here to meet, saving me a trip into town, I offered to feed him." I try to hide my reaction as best I can, but think I fail miserably. She folds her arms over her chest in that way that says  _You're done here, Mellark._

"Kind? Do you really think he's being kind, Katniss?"

"Pardon. I don't understand." I don't get the chance to explain because Thom walks up just then. My back stiffens and I stand up to my full height when I shake his hand.

"Hi, Peeta. We didn't get to chat the other day. Good to see you back."

_Liar! Y_ eah, just in time, apparently. I struggle to put my pre-hijacking filter back in place. "It's good to be back, Thom. I see things aren't quite like I left them. Been a lot of changes lately, huh?" I watch him, waiting to see if he gets my drift.

"Yeah, well, things are moving fast around here. If you blink, you might miss something. Lots of changes." He says, nodding and chuckling as he looks me dead in the eye.  _Ah, he does get my drift. Good. Game on._

"Well, District 12 will always be my home. This is where my  _heart_  is, so there's always something to draw me back. In fact, I'm thinking of moving back." I hold his eye long enough that he  _really_  gets my meaning. "Well, I'll leave you guys to your...business. See you tomorrow, Katniss?" I don't say good night to Thom.

**Katniss' POV.**

This whole time I'm watching Peeta and the spectacle that unfolds before me. This is the first I've heard of his plans to move back permanently. They must've missed that on the Capitol wire. And I've never seen this side of him. He's almost  _territorial_. Somewhere deep inside I feel...flattered... that he would behave that way for me. I really thought when he left that any romantic interest in me was completely gone. But, then I could be imagining things. His last question is a stunner, because there was never any agreement to meet up tomorrow. I catch on quickly, give him a knowing look and say "Yeah, sure. Tomorrow." I send him a silent message that says I'm totally confused and a little suspicious.

**Peeta's POV**

I was so close to just grabbing her and kissing her right there in front of him. It took all I had in me to use the tricks Dr. Aurelius had taught me to maintain my control.  _Who the hell does Thom think he is? And how can Katniss be so naive?_  I make a slight turn for my house when I see Haymitch still out on his front porch, looking in my direction. I silently wonder if he took all that in. I decide I need a drink, head for his front porch and take a seat in one of his rockers.

"Hey, boy. Thought you'd be over." The older man has a smirk on his face as he rocks back and forth, keeping me in his sights. I'm constantly amazed at how astute he is. Even drunk! He can read a situation or people's intentions before  _they_  know what they'll do. That explains why he was the victor in the 2nd Quarter Quell.

"And, why'd you think that?" I grab the bottle and take a swig.

"That dude has been hanging around a lot lately. Knew it'd be a matter of time before he showed up while you were around. I think he's got eyes for her. Of course, she has no clue  _whatsoever_! Never has had a clue for when someone has it bad for her." He gazes at me and we break into laughter.

"How can she be such a damn good hunter, read animals so well, and be totally oblivious to reading people?"

"Animals don't talk back. And they don't require anything from you except food and shelter." More laughter. I take a second swig. It's going to be a long night.

"I love her, Haymitch. I can't help it. I think I always will."

"Whether you believe it or not, she loves you, too." Haymitch looks at me intently.

"When is she going to realize it and let me in on it?" I laugh and take yet another swig.

"Ah, come on, boy! You're not that dense, are you? She's been walking the path to you since the reaping. A girl like her would rather cut off her right arm than be controlled by anyone or anything. Once Snow put his hands all over your relationship, it screwed things up for the both of you. I think even without the second reaping, she'd have found her way to you anyway, though. But, it would've been, and still has to be, on her terms." He punctuates his meaning by jabbing his forefinger in my direction.

"You should've seen her reaction when we didn't rescue you from that arena. Got the scars to prove it. I knew then she felt for you, even if she didn't. I do think that's when she came to realize something was there, but then the Capitol jacked with your mind and turned you against her. She was crushed...and scared."

I swallow hard. At the same time that Haymitch's words make me sad, they also give me the encouragement I need to maybe go after her one more time.

"I think a small part of her was just afraid, but an even bigger part of her felt that she didn't deserve you. She couldn't understand why you still loved her after all you'd lost...because of her. She blamed herself for all of it."

"But, we've all lost, Haymitch. She's lost so much! I just want to hold her and tell her that it's okay. It's okay to be hurt and vulnerable and to lean on someone else."

"Well, add all of the other junk to it...her father's death, Prim's death, her mother being away, her friendship with Gale, collapse of the District. I just don't think she knew how to fight her way back to you. She got lost. Cut her a break, boy. When you left, she broke. She said you deserved someone whole, unscarred, who could give you babies."

"I've loved her for as long as I can remember. Long before the reaping, the war, and all of this. Because I've lovee  _her,_ not the Mockingjay or the Victor or the Girl On Fire. Why couldn't she see that? We're all scarred. None of us are whole. If I could choose between a childlees life with Katniss and some other woman with babies, I'd still choose Katniss."

Haymitch leans in to me.

"Believe me. I understand this girl. She thought she was doing you a favor by pushing you away. You have to understand, kid. We come from the same place, her and me. She grew up…sacrificing…denying her wants…taking care of other people. She feels responsible when something breaks in someone that she loves. And if she can't fix it, it's feels like failure. The funny thing is, I think you leaving  _was_  the best thing to happen for her. It shook her out of that damn stupor she was in." He reaches for the bottle again.

"It's like she fought her way back to being the whole woman she thought you deserved. But, it was easier to do without you being here to see the messy transformation. And, oh boy, did it get messy before it got better! Then this Thom cat starts hanging around. I was glad when you came back, boy. No one understands her like you do, except maybe that Gale kid." He lowers the bottle to take in my reaction.

"But, she doesn't react to him in the same way. She's seen him on television more than once and it never sent her over the edge. But seeing you with blondie sent her to her knees. Maybe  _him_  being around to make you jealous and her being jealous of  _Delly_  will get you two off your asses and down to business. You two deserve to make each other miserable and give the rest of us a damn break. I'm getting too old for this shit!"

I smile at my mentor. When is this man ever sober enough to notice these things? Or did Katniss confide in him the way I am now? He'll always be my mentor. He's so different from my father, but I realize he's the only father figure I have left. I refuse to take anymore liquor because my head is already fuzzy and I want to be as clear as possible when Thom leaves. I'm talking to Katniss tonight!

I hang out chatting with Haymitch until I see Thom emerge from her house. She walks to the door and waves to him as he descends the porch. Good, I think.  _Because if he even looked like he was going to kiss her, I'd have whip his ass right there on the spot._

I walk over swiftly before she has time to shut the house down and go to bed. I knock and she answers quickly as if she was expecting me.

"Hey, Peeta" she says eying me tentatively.

"Hey. I thought I'd come help you with the dishes." I couldn't think of a better excuse for why I was at her door for the second time in two hours.

" Thom helped me pick up before he left." I bristle at the thought of her and Thom washing dishes side by side, hands brushing up against each other under warm, soapy water. "Is that really why you're here?"

"Katniss, we need to talk. At least, I need to talk."

"About what, Peeta?" I love it when she uses my name. Even if she's mad.

"I don't know. Just talk. We've hardly talked since I've been back. I just want to catch up. And you've been avoiding me for a week."

She takes in a deep breath, standing there leaning against the door frame with her arms folded. She thinks it over long enough to make me wonder if she's going to let me in.

"Okay. Come in." She moves aside so I can pass. "Would you like something? Hot chocolate, maybe?"

"You remembered. Sure, I'd like some"

She moves to the kitchen and I follow to watch her heat up the milk for my drink. She makes herself a cup of tea before sitting down at the kitchen table to face me.

The way she peers through me with those incredible grey eyes almost makes me lose my nerve. For a flicker of a moment I remember how her lashes fluttered over those beautiful eyes when I kissed her.

"Katniss. I want us to be friends again. We're tiptoeing around each other like we're strangersand like we hardly know each other. I mean, we've been through hell together…twice! We were almost married at one point."

She looks away nervously and starts rotating her cup between her hands. Just then, the milk on the stove boils over, giving her an excuse to escape my comment. But, I don't give up. I follow her to the stove.

"I just don't want to feel so awkward around you anymore."

**Katniss' POV**

Peeta is sitting in front of me asking me what has happened to us. I can't believe him. He's been back scarcely a week and already he's threatening my sanity.

"Peeta, I don't think your  _girlfriend_  would appreciate us having this conversation." I feel both anger and hurt. I try to regulate my breathing to bring my fire under control.  _I'm…jealous?_

"What! What girlfriend, Katniss?"

"Don't play dumb, Mellark. I saw you and Delly on TV together...from District 4. And then you bring her back here. It's obvious."

I gasp at my own outburst. I place my hand over my mouth to stop the word vomit.

"I mean...I have no...claim to you. But, we haven't really been around each other in a...friendly...healthy sense. We haven't talked...really talked...in a year. What am I supposed to think?"

He looks like he's fighting back a grin and I explode inside as I jump up from the table and walk over to lean against the kitchen counter. He follows me.

"I don't see how this is funny! Are you drunk? "

"Just a tad bit tipsy. Katniss, but that doesn't matter. I'm completely coherent. That was a piece the local news did on the transplants from District 12. Plutarch talked me into it. Delly was included for obvious reasons. There's nothing between us. I admit, I think she'd like more. But there's nothing there for me. There never has been; except a long friendship." It's hard to deny the warm feeling I get when I hear this. I might actually be jealous!

"You sure about that? Because, I don't think she's so sure. And why would you bring her here with you if there's nothing between you?"

He moves in closer to stand in front of me. "She came here on her own to file a claim for the plot of land her parents' dress shop used to stand on. We did not come together."

"Well, not that it matters...to me." I decide to shut up before my mouth betrays me. I fold my arms across my chest when I really would rather reach out and hug him. I can't let him think it's so easy to just come back in, though.

"So, what's up with you and Thom?" he asks.

"What do you mean? I mean, we work together." I cock my head sideways and take a step towards him. What does he mean by asking this? "What are you asking, exactly, Mellark?"

He takes a deep breath. "Are you two...?"

I cut him off. "No! How dare you?" I can't believe he's asking me this.

"Well, you might want to send Thom the memo, because he didn't get it! It's written all over his face, he likes you, Katniss. Stop being so  _naive_!"

I'm livid. "I'm  _naive_! You're the one who's naive, thinking Delly was only interested in being your friend all these years. Have you ever noticed how she looks at you Peeta? She's nice and all, but she loves you as more than just a friend."

I know I'm treading into dangerous territory, but I have so many pent up feelings and I just can't shut my mouth.

"Besides, I'm confused. Weren't you the one who left? And then you have the nerve to come back here unannounced, with your little girlfriend, and question me about my friendship with someone else. Please explain that to me." I exhale a deep, shaky breath and can feel myself losing emotional control.

"Maybe if you hadn't avoided me since I got here, you'd have known that Delly was not with me. Why have you been avoiding me, Katniss?"

"Peeta, I don't know how to be around you! I don't know how to act with you or how I should feel. We're friends but we don't talk. We were once engaged but not really. You said you cared and then you left. I've thought for the past few weeks that you have a girlfriend and you arrive to declare that you don't. When you loved me, I was confused and too focused on just surviving."

"And then?"

"When I...then you came back from the Capitol and I didn't know you. We  _both_  came back so messed up...I...I let the idea of  _us_  go a long time ago. I can't afford to keep stepping in front of trouble voluntarily. It's not safe. It's not good for me. I've found peace with myself now." " I hug my arms tighter across my chest to protect what's left of my grip on reality and take a deep breath. I didn't intend to reveal this much to Peeta. Not at one time. I sound like a crazy woman.

"Peeta, I'm sorry. I should have talked to you before you left. I should've written. I just couldn't. I've learned a little to well how to tuck my feelings away. I'm really just learning how to let go." He grabs me by my locked elbows and his fingers leave a warm, tingling sensation that I'm sure I'll fantasize about later.

"For starters, stop thinking about  _what_  to feel and...just... _feel_!" He whispers. He looks a little nervous, and I soften the death grip I have on my arms and loosen up a bit. I give him a small smile, all the while fighting the urge to wrap myself around him.

He's still holding onto my elbows and looking at me with those incredibly blue eyes. He says, "So, there  _was_  an idea of  _us_  at one time? Is that what you're saying?" I roll my eyes and cover my face with my hands. This is too much too fast. He is going to be my undoing.

"Look, Katniss. I don't want to upset you. I just want us to talk...to stop acting like we've never meant anything to each other. I want to be friends again." He's got that unwavering stare going again. The one I could never resist. I feel a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. He makes tiny circles on one of my elbows with his thumb. Those blue eyes make it impossible to do anything but soften.

"Okay, Peeta. Friends."

"Well, at least I'm Peeta now and not Mellark" he chuckles and starts as if he suddenly remembered something. "Hey, can I come on the recon with you and Thom tomorrow?"

"Seriously? Why?"

"I'd love to see what you guys have been up to...I mean...with rebuilding and whatever. This is what I do in District 4, Katniss; scout out needs for new businesses. Trust me, my intentions are genuine." But, I'm suspicious.

"Okay. Be here at 6:30 AM sharp! And wear comfortable clothes."

He smiles and looks at me with that something that I can't put my finger on. "I'll be here with bells on."

"That's what I'm afraid of", I chuckle.

Before I can even think to resist, he grabs me for a hug. For that brief moment I'm reminded of what it was like to be in his strong arms. He smells of cinnamon and sunshine. He gives me a quick wink and is out the door.

The next morning, Peeta shows up at 6:15 with a basket of fresh, warm cheese buns in hand. I grab one and hold it up to my nose.

"I didn't realize how much I missed these."

"Is that all you've missed? My cooking?" he asks.

I can feel the blush growing up from my neck to my face, "We'd better eat up before Thom gets here. He hates starting late. Let's hurry."

I motion for him to follow me outside to the back of the house. I point out the vehicle parked in the back as Thom drives up on one just like it.

"What's this for?"

Thom gets off his vehicle and removes his helmet. He looks irritated to see Peeta there but doesn't say anything.

"It's called a 4-wheeler. Gale pulled some strings in the Capitol and got a couple of these allocated to our District. Makes our job a lot easier."

"I know what it's called, Granger. Thank you so much for that added bit of information. Are we riding these out to the woods?"

"Obviously." Thom responds

Peeta whispers to me, "This guy is gonna get on my nerves."

I decide to intervene, "Ok, let's saddle up and head out before we lose this weather. Peeta, you can ride with me."

"You mean..." he leans in to whisper in my ear. "I'm riding bitch?" I can't control the giggles forming in my core. They float to the surface like bubbles in the fancy champagne we drank on the Victory Tour. Peeta looks pleased with his private joke, but Thom's irritated look brings me back to the business at hand.

"Yes!" I shoot him a warning look that stops his next comment.

**Peeta's POV.**

I place the helmet she provides on my head, and climb on the back. I feel silly wearing the odd looking thing on my head, but certainly don't mind riding along with Katniss. The one good thing about all this is getting to spend some time with her, and holding onto her waist as we ride off into the woods. I have to push away some not-so-pure thoughts but manage to maintain my composure. I haven't been this close to her in a couple of years.

Now if I can just find a way to get rid of this Thom guy!


	8. Breathless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our star-crossed lovers take a positive turn in their relationship. They're making progress, but in a realistic sense. This chapter is mostly their conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by Breathless by Corinne Bailey Rae

**Peeta's POV**

Thom is going on and on and on, trying to impress Katniss with his knowledge of mining, construction, nature…everything basically. She's so enthralled in conversation with him, at times I feel left out. Besides, I have nothing to contribute to this; unless, of course, she wants to learn the right way to frost a cookie or the proper technique to mix fondant.

During this whole time, he keeps shooting me these smug looks. I swear I want to put this guy in a full nelson and make him eat dirt! But, that won't help me redeem myself in Katniss' eyes, so I just play it cool. I play the dumb baker who knows nothing about the woods, or mining, or hunting. I'm pretty convincing, too, because I actually know _jack_ about these things! Katniss looks like she's about to break out in giggles any minute. At least I can amuse her, so I'm fine being the joke. I'll suffer any embarrassment as long as it's for her benefit. When _super stud_ walks ahead of us, impressing us with his vast knowledge, I whisper to Katniss.

"Um, can we send him on his way so we can talk privately?"

"Privately? Didn't we do that last night, Peeta?"

"Yes, but I'd like to spend some time with my _friend_ without _that guy_ around. Is that so wrong? Just think of something to get rid of the guy. I'd like to catch up. Please." I give her my most engaging, innocent puppy dog face and she rolls those luscious eyes.

"Well, I am working right now. Okay. I'll think of something. Just follow my lead."

Just before midday, we stop for a light lunch packed by none other than our own Ms. Everdeen. There's fruit, cheese, grape juice and, of course, my cheese buns. I silently wish that Thom would choke on my cheese bun but that would just be too poetic! After we finish our lunch, Thom the wonder boy announces that we're done for the day; saying something about having more than enough information to help draw up the next map. My guess is that he'd planned this little outing to end with an early lunch with Katniss, alone in the woods. But, I Peeta Mellark, Baker, Victor, War Veteran, and Hijacking Survivor foiled his frickin' plan. Katniss puts _her_ plan into action.

"Hey, I promised Sae I'd gather some roots and herbs for her diner meals. I'm just gonna hang back a couple hours. Peeta, do you mind waiting? I won't stay longer than that."

I smile. "No, not at all."

Thom puts his two cents in, "Well, I guess you can ride back with me, Mellark. If you don't want to wait. I have to get back to town for the planning meeting."

I simply reply, "You mean, ride _bitch_ back to town with you? No thanks, man. I'm good." and give him the deadest stare I can muster without laughing.

"Alright, then." He turns to Katniss, "Sounds like you might miss the planning meeting then?"

"Yeah, just tell everyone I'm sorry. I've gotta get this done for Sae or she'll kill me. You can brief me later."

_Not if I can help it._

Granger drives off and disappears behind the wood line at last. _Yes! Finally!_ I turn to Katniss and give her my best shit-eatin' grin. She looks at me nervously, and she's so damn cute when she's nervous.

"Well, what do you want to do?"

_Really, I would be happy doing just about anything as long as I don't lose this chance to talk to you and get closer to you._

But, instead I say, "Let's go to the lake. I haven't been there since I got back. We can just…sit…and talk."

We jump on the four-wheeler and I get to hold onto her hips again. When we arrive, she picks a grassy spot for us to relax. I begin to think this friendship thing is going to be awkward because all we seem to be doing is trying to look everywhere but at each other.  We catch each others eye and laugh in exasperation at ourselves.

"So...how's things?" I ask in jest, trying to break the ice.

She simply rolls her eyes and shakes her head, glancing down at her feet.  "We really are pathetic, you know that?"

"Yeah," I chuckle.  "I…um…actually have something I'd like to show you."

"Really? What?"

I stand up and quickly take my shirt off. Then start undoing my pants. She looks _really_ nervous now.

"Peeta…?"

"Relax, Katniss." I can't help but laugh at her. I see she's still pure. She even looks embarrassed.

I strip down to my underwear and head straight into the lake.

"Peeta…" she starts, but by this time I've dived in and start to swim to the rock on the far side of the lake. I reach the other side and swim all the way back.

When I reach the bank and come up for air, she's smiling. "Wow, Peeta! That's wonderful! Who taught you?"

"Jo and Annie. It's impossible to live in District 4 and not swim. Impressed?"

"Yes, I am."

"Wanna join me?"

"I don't have on a _proper_ bathing suit." She says in her best imitation of Effie.

I don't know _what_ she's wearing under her clothes, but I'm suddenly glad that the water is cold enough to help keep my 'situation' under control.

- **Katniss' POV**

I don't have on the proper bathing suit, but suddenly I remember that I'm wearing black under garments today. So, I decide to throw caution to the wind. I start removing my clothing and notice that Peeta is trying very hard to pretend he's NOT looking. But, I know that he is; just like I was looking at him when he undressed earlier. I snuck in a couple of glances when he bent down to take off his socks and shoes and when he walked out to the water. His shoulders are so broad and manly!

He's a little tanner than he was when he left the district. Apparently, he's not nearly as sneaky as I am because I'm sure he didn't catch me looking. I can still see the scars inflicted by the fire mutts, and they send a pang of guilt through my heart. I feel guilty for ogling him like a horny school girl when I'm the one to blame for his scars and his prosthetic. But, I put all of that aside. This is about him and what he wants to do right now.

I even release my shyness about showing him all of _my_ scars. Sae encouraged me to take care of my skin and to wear something besides long sleeves all the time.

"Girl." She said. "You inspired the war that freed this country! Thanks to you, my little Maya will never know what it is to attend a Reaping. Wear those scars proudly! 'Cause Panem's proud of ya!"

I finish removing my clothing and dive in with Peeta. I swim out to join him and we continue out towards the rock that Gale and I used to rest on during those hot summer days. We splash each other like children, dunk each other and race back and forth across the lake. I'm still faster than he is, so I win most of the races. I let him win a couple, because I'm learning how to be a girl for a change. At one point, Peeta disappears under the surface and I can't see him for what I think is far too long. I begin to panic just slightly.

"Peeta. Peeta where are…?" Before I can finish, he resurfaces right in front of me. Very close. Too close. Close enough to kiss me, if he wanted to. _Does he want to?  Do I want him to?_

"I'm right here. I didn't go very far." He places a hand on my arm and looks at me with those cool, blue eyes. I can't help but think there's more meant by that statement. Being the ninny that I am, I smile nervously and back away.

"We'd better go lay out so we can dry off before heading back."

When we reach the bank, we both collapse onto the grass. We catch each other's eye for a second and both laugh nervously like middle schoolers. I'm lying on my stomach with my head resting on my arms. Peeta's on his back and we are looking towards each other. I don't know what to say or how to begin. I've never been good with words. So, I suck it up and dive in.

"So, how was it living in District 4 as compared to here?"

"It's was exciting, different at first. But, after the novelty wore off I started to miss... _home_." There's that gaze again. _Is it me, or did that mean something more?_ He reaches out and grabs my braid. He twirls it between his fingers and squeezes water from it.

"I've missed you, Katniss."

I wasn't expecting that, but I like hearing it. Not able to think of anything original to say, I respond with,

"I missed you, too."

"I'm sorry for the way that I left. I was a coward." He breaks our gaze and looks away for a minute. "It was hard facing District 12 without my family being here.  So many bad memories here. I hope you can maybe forgive me or at least understand."

And there's Peeta, once again apologizing to the person who's probably hurt him more than anyone else. I can't blow this! I _have_ to make it right or all of my progress and change will have been for nothing if I can't be there for him. If there's anyone on this earth I owe my best to, it's him.  I close my eyes for a second to gather my nerve.

"You didn't do anything that you need forgiving for. I was a mess back then. And I wasn't exactly a good friend, either. You've never been a coward. You've always taken care of everyone else and put yourself last. You needed to take care of _you_. I'm kind of glad you did."

I've wanted to say these words for so long. I was too much of a chicken to just write him a letter or pick up the phone to call back then. Peeta's looking at me with a raised eyebrow now. So, I continue to try and explain.

"What I mean is…it…I don't know…it got me off my ass, I guess. I was wallowing in self-pity and everyone was taking care of me and sacrificing for me. I didn't have a reason to pull myself up. But, after you left, Sae got really tough with me. And, well, Haymitch, he's never exactly coddled me." We laugh at this.

"I realized that all those people that were taking care of me and making sure I was okay had lost just as much as I had, and then some. Sae lost a son in the war. Her husband's health deteriorated from lack of medical care and he died in the aftermath. Haymitch didn't even have anyone to lose because the Capitol took everyone he loved. Annie lost Finnick." I chuckle when I think of him and realize I'm knotting blades of grass in the same way he taught me to knot the rope…to cope.

"And, you. You lost your entire family. Peeta, I'm the one who's sorry."

I look away to gather my composure before I continue. I know that if I don't set things straight with Peeta now, it will only complicate things later.

"I'm sorry for everything. I felt responsible for everything that you went through. That's part of the reason I was so dead towards you. I suggested the berries. I'm the reason you lost your leg. I'm sorry about the fake engagement, the pretend pregnancy, the war, your hijacking, _everything_." I have to stop to take a deep breath because I'm losing it. I can't look into his eyes right now, or else I won't be able to finish. I can barely raise my voice above a whisper as it is.

"And you still seemed to care so much about me and I couldn't understand that. My way of repaying you as your friend was to be mean, abrasive and completely push you away. So…" Now I can look at him. "Can you forgive _me_ …for being selfish?"  I exhale with a _whoosh_ when I'm finished.

I'm met by the most sorrowful look on his face. "Katniss, nothing you did was out of selfishness. Every act lead to Panem being free now. You were only acting on what you knew at the time. We've _all_ sacrificed and lost. Stop thinking you're to blame for everyone else's pain. You don't owe _me_ or _anyone_ an apology. I'm just happy to see you doing well…and that you're not mad at me."

We laugh. He turns over on his side and places his hand on top of mine and squeezes. I feel comforted. We sit in silence for a little while just letting our words sink in. Finally, he says, "Although, the company you're keeping these days needs an upgrade. What's with this Thom guy? I think you could do better, personally." He wiggles his eyebrows comically. This gets me laughing, which is something Peeta could always do. He continues his assault.

"By the way, isn't he Gale's friend?"

I turn over and raise up on my elbows, "Since when did you care about Gale's feelings?"

"I don't. I just can't miss an opportunity to point out what a jerk Thom is."

"I told you we were just friends. By the way, how _is_ Delly?" _That's it. Turn the tables._

"I have _no_ idea. Is she still in town?"

"Oh, yes! She's still here. I was in the apothecary shop the other day and I felt this sharp, stinging sensation in the middle of my back. I turn around, and there's _Delly_! Shooting eye daggers through my back."

He rolls over in laughter. "I'm sorry about that, too. Just know there's nothing between us now, then or ever. The only romance between us is whatever she supposedly dreamt up herself.  Just in case...um...you were wondering."

"I believe you, Peeta." I give him a smile that hopefully conveys that we're okay as I fight the warmth I feel rising up my neck. We lie there silently, drying off in the sun, for a few more minutes before either of us speaks. I'm the first. I have to ask something and don't know how to start; so, like before, I just dive in.

"So, how are you doing with the episodes? Are they still a problem for you?"

"Um, well, I still have them if that's what you're asking. Thanks to the medication Dr. Aurelius prescribes, they're no longer violent. As long as I'm taking that, I'm not afraid that I'm going to hurt anyone; not like I used to be. He says I'll be able to wean myself off it eventually. From what others tell me, when I have one, it looks as if I've zoned out for a few minutes. I grip whatever is handy: the back of a chair, a spoon, the side of a table. I come to and I can't remember where I am or how long it's been. That's one reason I'll never drive a vehicle. Sometimes when I'm tired or emotionally exhausted, they're more frequent. On those days I turn in early and just have nightmares all night long. I guess it's as good as it's going to get…for now. Do you still have nightmares?"

"Practically every night. I think I've just learned to deal with them. Peaceful sleep is a thing of the past. I've accepted that now. I'm working on a book, much like the plant book my father left me. It's memories of all those that have left us, both before and during the war. I started a while back, but couldn't continue after doing Prim's page. It was just too hard. Dr. Aurelius has been encouraging me to start again. But, I also meditate now and that helps." He looks at me incredulously.

"Katniss Everdeen meditates?"

"What, surprised? Yes, I do and I love it. Our new district doctor, Kasie Patin, suggested it and gave me some literature on it. She even led me through a couple of sessions. I meditate daily and it's helped me a lot. I could teach you sometime."

"I'd like that."

"Medication and Meditation. Aren't we the pair?" I pause for a moment.

"Peeta?"

"Hmmm?"

"Last night you told Thom that you were thinking of moving back home. Is that true?"

"Um, yes. I am _thinking_ about it at least. I told you how it was hard for me to face the loss of my family. Well, before I left I couldn't walk past the old bakery site without having an episode. Dr. Aurelius thinks that it's the one area of my treatment that I haven't progressed in. So, I've been visiting the site and looking for answers to what to do next. The Capitol has lots of programs for survivors to rebuild homes and businesses destroyed in the war. All of the funds are from private accounts Snow hid away all those years. It's unbelievable, Katniss, how much money this man laundered! I've been working with an architect to come up with the new design. Even if I decide to not reopen the bakery, the building needs to be rebuilt to help out the district. I start interviewing construction teams in a couple days."

 _And here I thought he came back solely because of me._ Seeming to sense this, he goes on:

"But, either way, I think I'm moving back. Would you be okay with that?" He looks at me again. I'm just not strong enough for this. He's too beautiful for words! I stare into his eyes for as long as I can without blushing before answering.

"Yes…I would. I guess we'd better be heading back soon. I have had a great time, Peeta."

"So have I." he says, just before he grabs my hand and kisses it, leaving a warm impression on the spot where his lips touched.

We get dressed, finish off the leftovers from lunch, pack up and ride back through town. As luck would have it, we pass both Thom and Delly at different points on our journey back. We wave to each of them. This has been a day to remember!

- **Sae's POV**

I was happier than all get-out when I saw Katniss and Peeta riding back up behind her house on that four-wheeler! I've been telling them both, separately, that they need to tell the other how they really feel. But, they're both stubborn and want to do things their own way, especially Katniss. I was beginning to worry if they'll ever find their way to each other with that girl, Delly and Thom Granger getting in the way all the time. But, when they came back home together and Katniss didn't storm inside and slam her door, I knew it must've gone well. In fact, they hung out on her back porch for a few more minutes before parting ways. Ahhh, progress! I tried not to eavesdrop, but you know they built these houses so close together.

This makes an old bird like me reminisce about my courting days when my husband had that kind of eye for me, and me for him. He's long since gone, a couple of years now, and I still miss him! I'm hoping to see these two settled together before I leave this earth. I only hope they can share a love as long and as solid as Jim and I did before he passed.

In the meantime, I keep coming up with little ways to drive those two together every chance I get. That's why I've spent most of the week chopping, preparing and freezing all of their favorite dishes. I'm planning a dinner for the three Victors of District 12; mostly because I want to say _thank you_. But, I have other reasons as well. Haymitch doesn't eat properly unless I fix it, and those kids need to be together amongst people who care about them. I haven't told any of them yet, but I'm about to. Peeta walks in whistling a tune that rivals the Mockingjays.

"Hey, Sae!" he says and plants a kiss right on my cheek.

"What's gotten into you, boy?" I ask as if I don't know.

"Nothing. I just came from the woods with Katniss. She didn't throw anything at me or slap me, and she's still speaking to me." We both have to laugh at that.

He's such a handsome, kind young fellow. It always pained me to hear how his mother treated him. How could a mother treat her own child that way? I swear, I'll never understand her or Mrs. Everdeen. When a child comes into this world, they look to their parents to be their best advocates and mentors. Those two just have something missing, I guess. Yet, they turned out two of the kindest, bravest, strongest kids I've ever met in my life! Even more so than my own children.

"Well, Peeta, she's changed a lot since you left. She's made a lot of progress. I'm so proud of her; 'specially since she had no one to really help her through it."

"On the contrary, Sae. She had you. She just beams when she talks about you. She's very grateful. I just thought you should know that." I get a little misty when he tells me this. Before I embarrass myself by blubbering in front of him, I tell him about my dinner I'm planning.

Just then, Maya bounces into the room and Peeta scoops her up and takes her flying around the room. My, she loves Peeta! He's always so kind and patient with her. She really needs that since her father died and her mother, my daughter-in-law, abandoned her a long time ago. She couldn't accept that Maya was not the perfect child she'd hoped for. Like I said, I'll never understand some parents. So, Maya's been with me for a few years now. She tries my old-lady patience at times, but I've loved every minute of it. I have to admit, though, I like the help I get from Peeta and Katniss with her. I'm not getting any younger. Katniss was a little nervous with her at first. But, that Peeta, he's a natural when it comes to kids. He'll make a great father someday.

Peeta, of course, can't wait to call up Katniss to tell her about the dinner I'm planning for the end of the week. I instruct them all to wear their best as this will be no ordinary dinner. I've been ordering supplies from the Capitol for weeks. There'll be wine, lamb stew, a strawberry torte, baked fish, sautéed spinach, fresh field salad, wild rice and lots of other delicacies that we don't get often. Peeta offers to make the baked goods, and that's the only form of help I'll take from my guests of honor.

When the night arrives, Peeta appears to be nervous, paying extra-special attention to his appearance. His hair is neatly combed in place. He's wearing a white shirt, dark tie, dark shoes and crisp khakis. I assure him that he is handsome enough as it is. Haymitch shows up in one of his signature suits that he always wears on the Victory Tour. He looks neater and more sober than usual. That's about all I can say on that matter. But, when Katniss makes her appearance, I fear that boy is gonna swallow his own tongue!

She's wearing a simple, red, form-fitting dress that rises high in the neckline but dips below her shoulder blades in the back. She's wearing black low pumps and her hair is loosely gathered into a casual up-do. I think I even see a little eyeliner and lip color!

"Well, what are you two gawking at?" she turns on Haymitch and Peeta. "Sae said to wear your best!"

"Never mind them, Katniss, you look pretty." Everyone's attention then turns to Maya as we gush over how pretty her new dress is. I have Katniss to thank for this. It was a gift to Maya on her 6th birthday. She'd bugged me about that pink dress for weeks. I couldn't afford it, but Katniss overheard her and tricked Maya into showing her the dress in a Capitol catalogue. She ordered it the next day and Maya was ecstatic when it came on the train.

We head out to the dining room and I see Peeta linger behind and whisper to Katniss, "You look beautiful."

Her cheeks turn pink and those eyes light up brighter than the sun as she looks up at him and says "Thanks." I think _ain't love beautiful_!

We spend the night eating, drinking and talking about old times and new hopes for the district. The wine loosens up our tongues and for a moment we look like one big happy family. Perhaps we are!

Haymitch and I wink across the table as we see those two kids eye each other when they think the other's not looking. It's hilarious! Every now and again one of them will catch the other looking and blush or look away.

When all the dinner's gone and the dishes are cleared away, Peeta offers to walk Katniss home.

"Well, why do you need to walk her home, boy?" Haymitch can't resist an opportunity to give him a hard time.

"Just being polite, that's all."

"Wait a minute. She's survived two arenas and a war and you think she needs an escort right next door?"

"Shut up, Haymitch! You wouldn't know anything about being a gentleman."

Katniss scowls and they both stalk out the door with about two glasses of wine too many between them. Haymitch rolls on the floor laughing when they are out of earshot.

"Any day now, Sae. Any day now!" I shake my head and hope he's right.


	9. Enchantment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they begin to find their way back to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by Corrine Bailey Rae's 'Enchantment'.

**Peeta's POV.**

The short walk to Katniss' house is almost surreal. Walking her to her door feels like the end of a date, even though it isn't. Then it hits me.  _We've never been on a real date!_  The first time I revealed my feelings for her was just days before we both faced death. Everything since then has been pure chaos. The short time we had between the first two arenas was fraught with control from outsiders and confusion on her part. Now that the Games and war are over, I feel for the first time that we're totally free to make our own choices. I want to do everything in my power to show her that my feelings for her have always been genuine. There's nothing the Capitol or anyone can do to either one of us that can change the way that I feel. The only thing that will make me walk away is if Katniss herself says there's no chance of us being together. And, I'm not even so sure that would work!

This new freedom is a new feeling altogether. Complete privacy still doesn't exist. There's still a campaign on the part of the media to show that things are returning to a state of normalcy. Even though that's embellished at times, at least there's the absence of blatant oppression and sanctioned criminal activity. There are no Capitol manipulations and threat of death to distract us from what the next steps in our lives should be. We may now actually be able to choose. In spite of all that we've lost, I see for the first time a glimpse of what life could and should be like for us; normal, or as close to normal as we can get. We can really be free to focus on the pleasures, the good things in life and think about what our next moves might be. Falling in love. Travelling freely. Owning a business. Building a home. Raising a family. Even our choices in food, which used to be limited to what was available to your district, have now opened up. Now, we're able to order things from other districts that we only dreamt about before.

When we arrive at Katniss' door, she hesitates as if she wants to ask me something but is afraid to. I decide to test the waters first.

"Hey, why don't you show me that book you were talking to me about?"  
"Okay. Come on in." I follow her in and she removes her shoes as soon as we're inside the door, with some relief I must say. I think how she's even more beautiful barefoot. As if that's not enough, she reaches up and lets her hair down. I'm completely undone at this point. Katniss Everdeen, barefoot and wearing a sexy red dress with her hair flowing around her shoulders. This could fuel quite a few fantasies later on!

"Glad to be out of those. Do you want something to drink? Perhaps some water to dilute all of that wine?"  
"Sure. Thanks."  
I walk over to the sofa and sit down. On the coffee table in front of it is a large book with sheets of good quality parchment in it. Katniss returns from the kitchen carrying 2 large glasses of water.  
"I see you found it."

She sits down next to me and that side of my body immediately warms up. She leans forward and starts to leaf through the book to show me what she's done. Her head is lowered and she's turning the pages very slowly. Each page has a name written at the top in a very neat calligraphy style in large letters. Beneath that she's penned memories she has of that person, things she's been told by others and personality traits.

"See here. After I finished Prim's page, everything is just kind of half done. Rue's page; unfinished. Finnick; only two lines written. Boggs' page; incomplete."

I hear her voice begin to thicken as she goes through each page. She stops on Thresh's page and runs her hand down the length of it. I see a tear drop onto the parchment.

"It's just so hard, Peeta. I mean, they gave their lives and I can't even bring myself to remember them properly by writing a few words." Her hands are shaking and she falls silent for several minutes before she speaks up again.

"How do you do it?"

"Do what?" I ask.

"Smile? Let yourself be happy?" She stops to take a breath and a drink of her water, as if to calm her self.

"Well…", I begin by making sure my voice doesn't crack from my own pent up emotions. She's asking me for advice…an opinion… _how I feel_. I can't screw this up.

"…I, um…I think about all those that died for what we call freedom now. I can't let their lives, their deaths be in vain. Whether they died fighting or running for safety, it doesn't matter. They died so that we could be free and choose. As imperfect as our country, our government still is, it's a hell of a lot better than what our parents lived with. I'm thankful to be alive and drawing my breath every day."

I stop to lean my elbow onto my knee and focus on the book in front of me before I continue. "Don't get me wrong, it gets hard some days. I get pissed off and ask ' _why me?_ ', but it doesn't last long. As soon as I see a hungry, tattered man wander into my office looking for assistance to feed his family or start a business, I snap out of my pity party and get on with life. Then I lose myself in helping him."

I rub her back in slow, soft circles as she begins to sniffle silently. I take this opportunity to pull her in closer, encircling her with both my arms. She buries her head under my chin, still unable to look up at me.

"I'm sorry! We had such a good evening and I'm ruining it by being an emotional mess."  
"Katniss, you have every right to be an emotional mess. It's okay."

"Surprise!" she says in mock excitement. "I only look better on the outside. On the inside, I'm as screwed up as I ever was."

"You're doing fine, Katniss. There's no race to recovery. Just try to make each day better than the one before."

She pulls away. Her head is still lowered and I spot a single tear hanging on the edge of her nose as she flips her hair over one shoulder. I place my hand alongside her face and brush the tear away with my thumb, lifting her face up to look at me. In doing so, I lightly graze her lips with my hand and we both freeze in each other's gaze. My heart starts pounding. I want to kiss her so badly! Especially if that's what she wants too. But, I don't want to move too fast and scare her away after declaring that we're  _friends_ again. So…I just stare at her like an idiot. Then I see her lean ever so slightly towards my face. I subconsciously lick my lips and lean in a little closer. We continue this dance, not dropping our eyes from each other. Our lips are mere millimeters from each other. Every hope that I hid behind locked doors comes flooding out, revealing themselves far too soon as I envision myself joined at the mouth with Katniss Everdeen. It's been what seems like years since I felt her soft lips on mine. Just as our mouths are about to meet, we hear a loud clanging come from the direction of the kitchen. Katniss springs up from the sofa, knocking the book off the table and onto the floor, and runs into the kitchen. I follow her, naturally curious.

"Buttercup! Get out of here, you stupid cat! Ugh!"

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Buttercup, in his quest for food scraps, has knocked a large metal bowl full of herbs onto the floor, thereby ruining what could've been one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I laugh to help relieve the tension since Katniss is clearly upset. I help her scoop up the mess and she places Buttercup outside. She stands by the sink looking uncomfortable, so I break the silence.

"Hey. I know exactly what you need for your book."  
"Oh? What's that?" She sweeps a piece of hair out of her face and tucks it behind her ear.  
"Pictures. You only have pictures of Prim."  
"Yeah, I found some in my mother's old stuff she left behind. I don't have pictures of anyone else."  
"Well, that's where I come in. I can draw them. See here, if you leave some space at the top or the side of the page, I can draw or paint an image of that person. I can come over tomorrow and get started, if you're up to it, that is."  
"That would be nice. Wanna get started early?"  
"Sure. The earlier the better."  
I feel a little guilty as we part ways. Just a little. I don't really need to start early. I just can't wait to spend time with her.

 **Katniss' POV**  
  
Neither one of us brings up the  _'almost kiss'_ the next day when Peeta comes over. I feel a little awkward at first but it doesn't take long for us to fall into our usual banter. Besides, I'd decided that Buttercup's untimely interruption was a clear sign that the time is not quite right…not yet. We work on the memory book all day. Thom comes by to see if I'd be coming out to the work site later that day. But, when he steps into the foyer and sees Peeta in the living room, he excuses himself suddenly and leaves mumbling something inaudible as he descends the steps. I catch what I think is a smirk on Peeta's face when he gives Thom a taunting wave and a fake smile.  _Men_!

We start with Rue's page. Peeta pencils an outline of her face in the blank space. He then mixes a beautiful mocha tint for her skin and ebony for her curls. When he's done, I'm amazed! The sharpness of her eyes, the dimple on the right side of her mouth that I'd forgotten about, and her sweet expression are all there! When he finishes her picture, I notice his mood is a little heavier than before, but he forges on. I'm looking at Peeta and I'm amazed at how focused he is. When he paints, he doesn't smile or joke around like usual. His head is cast down as his eyes are shielded by his bangs and those beautifully long lashes. I add more verbiage to Boggs' page as Peeta finishes Finnick's page, which is hard on both of us. Once we've finished Finnick and Boggs, we move on to Thresh, Cressida, and Pollux, filling in words and pictures where they're needed. I notice how much easier it is to let the words flow once the image is in place. And Peeta's drawings all capture their subjects in the act of doing something that reflects their true essence. It's as if he is driven by an invisible muse. He connects with people so well and in such a way that he is able to mirror back their spirit onto canvas or paper. He's amazing! But, it's getting late and I can see that he's occasionally rubbing his eyes tiredly and he hasn't spoken in quite some time.

"I think that's enough for today, Peeta." No response.

"Peeta..."

He doesn't move. I'm sitting on the floor right next to where he's seated on the sofa. I reach out to touch his knee to get his attention. He's gripping a charcoal pencil and when I reach out to playfully remove it from his fingers, he has it in a death grip! Suddenly, it snaps. I gasp and move my hand away. He's having an episode!

I instinctively move to his side on the sofa. I don't know why it never enters my mind the danger that I'm putting myself in. I don't know if touching him will make it better or worse, but I have to do something. Peeta's always been there for me and I want to be there for him. I don't give it too much thought. I just act. It is breaking my heart to see him like this. I reach my hand out and rub his back and whisper to him.

"It's not real, Peeta. Whatever it is, it's not real. This is Katniss. You're in my house. We've been working on a memory book. That's real. Whatever you're seeing is not. I'm right here. I'm right here."

I just repeat this over and over again until he slowly releases the pencil. I gently remove it from his hand, keeping my other hand on his back, caressing him. He raises his head and I see recognition in his eyes. He looks a little disoriented, so I wait him out.

"Katniss...I'm so sorry."  
"That's okay. We worked on the book way too long. That's probably what triggered it. You were only trying to help me." I realize I'm still stroking his back and rather enjoying the feeling. I reach my other hand up to brush the sweaty bangs from his forehead.  
"I didn't do anything bad, did I? I wish you hadn't seen that." He covers his face and shakes his head.  
"No, you didn't and we're friends, Peeta. We take care of each other. It's what we do." I can't believe him. He's apologizing to me and I'm the reason this horrible thing was done to him in the first place! He smiles that shy smile that turns my insides to goo, even after an episode.

"I think I'd better go, Katniss. It's getting late."  
"I'll walk you back."  
"Katniss, I'm fine," he says rather adamantly. I sense some tension and decide to give him his space.

I let him go and think what a walking puzzle Peeta Mellark is; a puzzle that I want to figure out. I let him leave alone, but secretly call Sae to make sure he makes it home safely. I know he won't want me to fuss over him. When Peeta leaves, I sit and think about him for the rest of the evening. He has no family left. All that he has are the friends that he's made in connection with the games and the rebellion. Those are the only bonds he has. I decide to start a page for each member of his family: his father, Errol; his mother, Millicent; his brothers, Bing and Barley. I don't know much about them, but what I do know goes onto the page. When Peeta is up to it, I will help him create images for them in the book. But, I decide to not bring the book up for a couple of days, just to give it a rest.

That night when I go to bed, I relive a different death each time I close my eyes. Only they're more horrible than the original. First is Rue. I wake up sweaty, thrashing about with my bed covers on the floor. I go to the bathroom to splash water on my face and head back to bed. Within minutes, I'm reliving Boggs' and Finnick's deaths in the Capitol. I wake again and hug myself tightly, rocking back and forth, and crying. I try once more to sleep only to awaken screaming yet again at the top of my lungs as I watch Prim entering the courtyard containing the children. I see a flash of blonde hair and her white medic's jacket and recognize this scene all over again. I try to reach her but there's a deep chasm between us that I cannot cross. Parachutes containing fire mutts begin to detonate all around her, catching onto her hair and her jacket. She turns and runs toward me, her flesh peeling away with every step, turning to ashes which fly away with the wind until all that's left is her charred skeleton. I run towards her, screaming her name, but I fall into the chasm. Then I hit something hard yet yielding; something strong yet comforting. Arms. They encircle me and lift me up. I turn to see Peeta's face, wondering what he's doing in my dream, in this hell.

I scream out "No, Peeta! Go back! You don't belong here!" Then I realize that Peeta really  _is_  here holding me. I grab onto him for dear life, burying my face in his neck and soaking his shoulder with salty tears. I apparently bolted for the door and he caught me just in time. He's here, he's scooped me up and he's carrying me downstairs.

When we reach downstairs, he places me on the sofa and grabs a blanket from the hall closet. I sit up, still sweating and breathing heavily.  
"Peeta, what are you doing here?" He moves next to me and wraps me in the blanket.  
"I heard you screaming. Every time I thought you were done, you'd start up again. Sorry to barge in here, but I couldn't take it anymore."  
"I must've been pretty loud. Sorry I woke you."  
"You didn't wake me. I've never gone to sleep. I've been upstairs painting since I left here. I had my window open."  
I breathe a heavy sigh. "Aren't we a pair?"  
"We take care of each other. It's what we do. Want to talk about it?"

So, I tell him all about my dreams and how I couldn't stop them from coming. I smile when I look down and see the green and yellow paint streaks on his forearms. His eyes have bags underneath them. I can't believe this man sitting in front of me. He spent his entire day helping me to the point of having an episode. He can't fall asleep, likely because of dreams induced by the book. And his concern is taking care of me.  _What have I done to deserve this_?

I'm snapped out of my reverie by Peeta smiling at me and saying "What?"  
I just smile at him and say "Nothing. You make a fire. I'll make us some chamomile tea."

**Peeta's POV**

When Katniss returns with a tray of tea and bread, the fire is already going. It's a little warm for a fire, but it's soothing. She sets the tray down on the hearth and joins me on the floor.

"I don't know what it is about fire. Watching it calms me. Of all the things in the world to calm me, it's fire. I can't figure it out for the life of me. It took away my sister and so many others that I love. Yet, it can warm a home and prepare food." We sit there silently contemplating this irony. She continues.

"So, you still paint? Does that help you with the insomnia?"

"Yes, it's either that or baking. But with Sae and Maya in the house, painting at 3am is much quieter than baking. What about you? What do you do when you can't get back to sleep?"

"I just sit and watch the fire. And…I clean!" I chuckle at this.

She asks, "What's so funny about that?"

I tell her "No wonder it always smells like pine in here."

We fall back into silence again before I break it.

"Phoenix Festival is in a week or so. I believe there are lots of people coming back for it; people that left the district after the bombing. Annie and Jo are coming to show their support  _and_  to harass us, of course."  
"Yeah, my mom's coming for a visit. I got a letter from Annie telling me that she and Jo are coming, too. My mom's staying for an entire week."

I pause, not knowing if I should ask the next question, but take my chances anyway.

"What about Gale?" I see Katniss stiffen a bit but her expression doesn't change.

"I haven't talked to Gale since we left the Capitol, Peeta. If he's coming it will be news to me. His mother, Hazelle, and his siblings are here. My guess would be that he probably  _will_  come." She holds my gaze, I assume, to see what I meant by asking the question.

Back when I was too chicken to talk to Katniss, I always used the excuse that I was no competition for Gale. I mean the guy was obviously popular with the ladies, so I guess he was considered handsome. He definitely had a deep connection with Katniss since their fathers died together and they learned to survive together. They were from the same community and their families were very good friends. And as time wore on, even I could see that he loved her. My assumption was that she'd end up with him and simply laugh at any prospect of being with me. Now that I think about it, it's the same thing people assumed about me and Delly. We were always together. Our families knew and liked each other and we were from the same background. But as for me being in love with Delly, nothing could have been further from the truth.

But, the games came along and changed all of that. Getting reaped was simultaneously one of the best and worst things to happen to me. It set off a chain of events that bonded Katniss and me together forever, yet lead to the collapse of a nation. Death has a way of renewing life. Oppression has a way of breeding hope. Those pitted against each other as enemies can forge a bond that lasts a lifetime when they fight for a common cause. The irony of it all makes my head hurt at times. Katniss abruptly changes the subject.

"Well, since you have Sae and Maya already living with you, I can let them all stay with me while they're here. I have plenty of room."

"Well, one of them can stay with me, just to make it even."

"Okay, you can take Johanna, then." She gives me a mischievous smile.

"Thanks a lot, Everdeen!" I say and give her a playful nudge on her shoulder.

"Hey, that works out perfectly don't you think? That way you won't have Maya  _and_  Little Finn underfoot when you're trying to paint."

"You  _know_  I don't mind kids." I see Katniss stiffen for the second time tonight. She shifts her focus to the fire and silence falls upon us again. But, it's not the awkward silence of two people who don't know what to say to each other. It's the comfortable silence of two people who don't need to speak all the time to be in tune.

"Katniss?"

"Hmmmm?" She says, continuing to stare into the fire. I wait until she gets the message and looks at me.

"Do you trust me?"

She looks me right in the eye and without hesitation says "Absolutely. More than anyone on this earth, Peeta." I breathe a sigh of relief.

"Why did you ask me that?"

"I was just worried that earlier, when I had the episode, you would be afraid to be around me. Not trust me."

She places her hand on mine and says "Peeta, I know you would never intentionally hurt me. What happened to you is not your fault. I know the Capitol wanted to use you against me because  _they knew_ I trusted you. And I still do. I know that if it were  _me_  in  _your_  shoes, you'd stop at nothing to make me feel comfortable around you."

"Good, because I want to ask you something."

"What is it?"

"Well, the festival is coming. Would you go with me?"

She looks at me blankly at first then says, "You mean…together?"

"Yes, I mean…together. At the same time…arriving  _and_  leaving." I smile, trying to lighten the moment. "Besides, it wouldn't look good if the District 12 Victors came separately."  
"What about Haymitch?"  
"He already turned me down. You're my rebound." She laughs at this and I'm happy to make her smile again.  
"Well,  _anything_  to make Haymitch Abernathy jealous!" Now it's my turn to laugh.  
"It's good to see you laughing. You're beautiful when you laugh." She blushes.  
"You always manage to make me laugh, Peeta...in spite of everything."  
Her eyes are so beautiful in the firelight, which is also casting flickering shadows off her lips. If only I could kiss that  _mouth_!

"So, is that a yes then?"

"Of course, that's a yes. But, I may need to hire a security detail to protect me from Delly."

I throw my head back laughing again. "Yeah, maybe Thom's available." She giggles at this.

"I know, maybe we could have Thom guard Delly! Keep them busy and out of our way." She stops herself abruptly as if she's said something wrong.

"Okay, then. I'll come by just before it starts and we can walk together." She smiles again and turns my brain to pure mush. I change the subject.

"I've been talking to an architect and had the plans finalized for the new building today. I've already hired a crew to clean the site up  _and_  I'm interviewing construction contractors to begin work after the festival."

She gives me a long gaze that makes me slightly uncomfortable before she nods and says "I'm proud of you, Peeta. Really, I am. You seem to have it  _so_  together. I still have to talk myself into getting out of bed every day."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. I think you're doing remarkably well, Katniss! I see all that you're doing around the district. At least you stuck around to help. Me? I ran away like a coward."

She gives me a long, intense look. "Peeta, how are you handling the nightmares and episodes? I mean besides roaming the streets at night, breaking and entering and saving damsels in distress in return for tea and bread?" She smiles at me.

"I just…deal…bake and paint." It's the best answer I can come up with.

"Yeah, me too. I deal."

I want her to continue, but the hour's getting late. We chat for a little while longer until we notice it's nearly 2:30 in the morning. I get up to leave and she follows me to the door with her arms folded over her chest, but her face is much more relaxed than when I got here. I'm surprised when I feel her hand on my arm.

"Peeta, I've…um…missed…well…I think we could probably help each other. Sleep…I mean…like we used to on the Tour."

I turn to look at her to make sure I'm reading her right as her voice is barely above a whisper. She doesn't break her gaze. Of course, how can I say no to the girl that fuels my sweetest dreams and worst nightmares every night? I didn't expect anything like this to happen tonight. Not that I haven't wanted this since our nights on the Victory Tour. This is just beyond my expectations already, and I'm so afraid to blow it. The last thing I want is for Katniss to crawl back into her shell and shut me out again.

"You mean…?"

"Yes, I mean."

"Well, what do I tell Sae?"

"Just sneak back in before she wakes up in the morning. Besides, we  _are_  adults. Everyone's heard about us on the Victory Tour and assume way too much anyway."

"I know, but out of respect for you and for her, I'll just leave early. Okay?" I know this is totally irrational. Sae gets up at the crack of dawn and I know that in my state of fatigue I'll never wake up in time to ' _sneak back in_ '. But, being rational is not something I'm interested in right now. I'm interested in taking this thing as far as Katniss will let me. And I could use a good night's sleep.

"That's fine" she says. "You can't tell me you couldn't use a good night's rest, Peeta." As if reading my mind…

She takes my hand and leads me back inside and over to the sofa. She climbs in and lifts the blanket for me to crawl in after her. She has her back against the sofa and we're lying facing each other. Her head rests on my arm as she nuzzles under my chin. It's a tight squeeze but I don't mind. She has to place her top knee between my knees for us to fit. But, I'm more comfortable than I've been in years.

"Good night, Katniss."

"Good night, Peeta." Within minutes we both drift off.

The next morning I awaken more relaxed than I have since our nights on the Victory Tour. I look down at Katniss, who's sleeping soundly with her top leg thrown over my torso. She's got her hand around my waist, and it's resting where my shirt is hiked up. The warmth from her hand is startling. The closeness has me thinking of things that can only get me in trouble at this point. I need to go to the bathroom to take care of my ' _situation'_ but I'm afraid to move and wake her up. For one thing, I'm having too much fun just looking at her and breathing her in. She smells like freesia and zest of lemon. For another, I don't want her to see what's going on down south and get embarrassed. I move my hips back a little to put some more distance between us and think the most unsexy thoughts I can conjure up: seeping wounds, algebra exams and spoiled fish. It helps a little. My 'situation' is at least manageable, but I still have to go to the bathroom.

Katniss starts to stir and I quickly shut my eyes to pretend I'm still sleeping, hoping that I'm convincing. I stay like that for a couple of minutes, slowing my breathing to make it more believable. I had lots of practice lying still next to the riverbank in the first arena…when I was hiding from the Careers. Katniss wakes me with a start to tell me that it's way too late to sneak back into the house. I take this opportunity to jump up suddenly, faking my urgency, and snatch the covers with me. I run into the bathroom and take care of my 'situation'.

 **Katniss' POV**  
  
When I open my eyes, the first thing I notice is Peeta's beautiful face. His eyelashes are fluttering and he looks so innocent in his sleep. I smile instinctively, wanting to touch his face, until…I look down and see my leg thrown right across Peeta's hips. My center is pressed right up against him.  _Oh, God_! And my hand is under his shirt. What if I've been caressing his chest in my sleep? How embarrassing would  _that_  be? I suddenly realize the sun is up in the sky, hot and beaming through the window of my living room.

"Oh, no. Peeta!" I whisper. "I think it's too late. We overslept."

"Hmmmm?"

"Peeta, wake up. Your plan to sneak back into the house, it's too late. Judging from the sun I think it's probably like 10:00 in the morning."

He jumps up, taking the covers with him and runs to the bathroom. He stays in there a mighty long time for a guy who's trying to sneak back home.

He comes out, finally, with a sheepish grin on his face. I can't help but laugh at him. Not because he's funny, but because he's so darn cute. He's wearing last night's pajamas that are all wrinkled. His hair is all mussed up and flat on one side. There's still paint on his forearms, he's scratching his thigh and his eyes are puffy from sleeping. Sleeping! Peeta's eyes aren't bloodshot, they're puffy from sleeping. Mission accomplished!

"Well, what should we do?" I ask. "What's our damage control?" He looks around the room thoughtfully for a moment.

"Let's make breakfast," he says.

"Breakfast, Peeta?"

"Yes, Katniss; the meal you eat before lunch. Considering it's almost lunchtime, I would assume you're famished. It's like you said, we're adults. We don't need anyone's permission to have a sleepover, right?"

I look at him questioningly as we head to the kitchen together.

"And you're not concerned with what Haymitch or Sae will have to say about this?"

"No, are you?"

"Not really. But, that's not how you felt last night." He just looks at me sheepishly.

I have to think about this for a moment. What would be the damaging implications of people thinking that Peeta and I are sleeping together? Most people already assume we have been for a while now anyway, with the exception of the time he was gone. Those same people will just follow the same line of thinking and assume we got back together and started sleeping together again. Then there are those like Delly, for whom I would love it if she were to assume we're sleeping together. Those that are close to us, while they may know better (I think), want us to be together so badly, that the idea of us sleeping together is not only tolerable, but damn near encouraged! I guess it wouldn't be so bad. I'm not a prude. I just don't like people commenting on my private life.

Then I continue. "As long as Haymitch doesn't get disgusting, I'll be fine! But, if he says one raunchy thing, I'm punching him dead in the face!"

Peeta pulls me in and gives me a  _friendly_  kiss on the forehead. "Let's go make some breakfast, dragon heart. Come on, I'll show you how to make cheese buns."

I turn up my nose and follow him to the kitchen.

**Haymitch's POV**

Sae came over frantic at 6am this morning saying something about the boy's bed not being slept in. I nearly panicked for a tenth of a second before I thought about it.

"Did you hear Katniss start up her four-wheeler this morning?"

"No, I didn't."

"Unh-hunh. She's usually up with the geese, heading out to the meadow to the work site. Did you hear him get up early to bake?"

"No, I didn't. I checked on him before I turned in and he said he couldn't sleep and was going to be painting all night. Nothing in his studio looks disturbed. I'm just afraid he wandered off and hurt himself."

"Unh-hunh. Just wait it out a little while, Sae. I have a theory brewing here."

"And what's that?" She glares at me with her hands on her hips, getting impatient and tapping that foot of hers.

"I'll bet you a bottle of white liquor that he's at her house. Just look at how he ogled her at your dinner party. It's like I said then,  _any day now_. You can shake your head all you want, but if they're not doing the horizontal tango by month's end,  _I'll_  cook dinner for  _you_!"


	10. Halo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss' feelings for Peeta deepen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by Halo by Beyonce.

**Katniss' POV**

The morning after we spent our first night together, Peeta and I prepared and ate breakfast before he headed back to his house. I walked him to the door and poked my head out just to see if anyone was looking. I knew that Sae would eventually find out, but that didn't mean that Haymitch needed to know right now. But, as luck would have it, he was out front feeding his geese when Peeta stepped out on the porch. I poked my head out just enough to say goodbye and not be seen by him. Too late! He turned towards us, eyed us for a couple of seconds, then resumed feeding his geese with a shake of his head and what seemed to be a tiny smile. I'll never understand that man. Just when I expect him to do one thing, he surprises me with another.

We fall back into a routine of sharing a bed fairly easily. We endured all of the winks and smiles from Sae. Being who he is, Peeta's always conscientious about making sure it's not obvious to Maya that he spends the night at my house. Apparently, Peeta had a talk with our mentor because he has not made one lewd comment. If I could punch him for smiling sarcastically and winking though, I'd do it. But, I promised Peeta I wouldn't.

Sharing the bed again for the first time proved to be a little more awkward than sharing the sofa. I wasn't sure why, at first. We'd done this before, countless times. I realized the difference is that before, we were seeking comfort and protection from eminent danger. Now the immediate danger is removed. The nightmares and scars are still there, but we've dealt with those on our own fairly well for the past couple of years. Now we're more driven by our own choices. And that's scarier than anything for me! I've never had choices. My only choice was to survive. Stay alive. To open myself to choosing to share my bed with Peeta is to admit that I want to be with Peeta. That being with him really does make life better. And I'm slowly beginning to let myself be vulnerable to that.

The one downside to our little arrangement is that we know we'll have to abandon it when our guests arrive. Openly sharing a bed around Sae and Haymitch is a completely different ballgame from sharing a bed right down the hall from my mother! And heaven only knows what crass comments could come out of Johanna's mouth, without any regard for who hears them. I must say that my nightmares have decreased since that first night. They have been a nightly assurance for a couple of years now. No nightmares plague either of us until a couple of nights before our guests are due to arrive. And I, of course, am the first to break that record.

I wake up in a cold sweat and sprint for the bedroom door, just as I did the night Peeta scooped me up and took me downstairs. I'm once again having the dream about Prim and falling into the chasm. Peeta wakes out of his sleep and grabs me just before I reach the landing to head down the stairs. He grabs my shoulders and spins me towards him. Once I lock in on those blue eyes, I know that it's not real. He's real and he's here! He pulls me into a soft hug and walks me back into the bedroom.

Peeta proceeds to do what Peeta does best. He comforts me, enclosing me in his strong arms and telling me that it's going to be okay. We resume our favored position, which is me on Peeta's right side with him on his back and me facing him, my head nestled underneath his chin.

"You want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Why not, Katniss? That's not healthy." I can't help but roll my eyes and smile.

"It's one you've heard before. The one with Prim and me falling into the ground."

He pulls me in closer and his breathing starts to slow down. I don't fall back asleep quickly after my nightmares, so I'm wide awake. I start to think of Peeta and how he's always so steady; always looking after me. He makes it look so easy, but I know better. I know he's suffered losses as deep as, if not deeper than, any of us. And he never complains if he thinks it will burden someone. So I ask.

"Peeta, what happens during your episodes?" He stiffens just slightly. Then I feel him take in a deep breath and stroke my shoulder before beginning.

"I see things…things that aren't…pleasant."

"What kinds of things do you see?"

"Do we really need to talk about this now, Katniss? I'm tired."

I sit straight up. "Peeta, do you trust me?" He looks up at me with an expression that seems to be seeking me out, to see if I can handle it.

"Yes. More than anyone."

"Then talk to me about it. Please. It's not healthy to keep it in. I want to help." I hear him suck in and release a long breath as he sits up beside me, leaning his back against the headboard.

"Using my own words against me, huh? Okay. I think you should know." He looks down at his feet before continuing. "Most of the visions that still send me into blackout are of you killing my family. Well, not you but Mutt Katniss."

He stops to let this soak in. The look on my face must be pure shock because he reaches out to grab me but I back away.

"What does Mutt Katniss do in these visions?"

"Please stop this, Katniss. It's late. Let's go back to sleep."

"Peeta, I need to know! Please!"

"Well, sometimes  _it_  tries to poison my food. Sometimes it tries to strangle me in my sleep. But the most violent and prevalent are of it murdering my family and laughing at me when I try to stop it. Katniss, I know it's not real. Please let's stop this."

"Oh, Peeta! How can you even stand to be around me?"

"The same way you can stand to be around me after I tried to strangle you! And, because I know it's not true. I know none of those visions are real. But, these are the most violent, the most gripping, and they make me black out. The others don't. They are the ones I can't control. I think they paid extra attention to these images because they knew that would be the one thing that could turn me against you. Katniss, please don't back away from me."

I know this is not fair. I'm the reason he's in this state and here I am pushing him away because of it. But it's not because Peeta repulses me. I just can't believe he doesn't hate me by now. I feel ashamed that he's suffered this long and I didn't even know what his episodes did to him. So, I suck it up, look him in the eye and take his hand in mine.

"I'm not backing away from you. I just feel…responsible. I want to help you, because I know you'd do no less for me. And…because I care about you."

"Katniss, you told me not long ago that you know I would never intentionally hurt you. Well, I know that you did nothing to harm my family, at least when I'm rational I know that. A lot of what I'm still struggling with is because I haven't dealt with their deaths. Being back here is just bringing it back to the forefront. I've worked through most of the bad images to the point that they are much like films playing in the background of my mind. Dr. Aurelius says that with some confrontation and reckoning, I can do the same with these."

Peeta's breathless by the time he finishes. I know this is hard for him. His eyes look wild and a little bit scared. I take his face in my hand.

"Promise me something."

"Anything."

"Let me help." He turns away abruptly.

"How, Katniss?"

"How did Dr. Aurelius help you deal with the others?"

"Well, he used this method he called "rationalization and desensitization" where after an episode he would give me my medication and show me real images of what actually happened. This worked very well with the visions from the arena, since there was video to show what really happened. It soon became easier to reason that the fake scenarios could never have happened. Rational thought took the place of the emotions the venom preyed on. And eventually I was desensitized to them all together. It's a lot like replaying a bad movie in my head."

I have to think how we can approach this. I decide to drop it for now, but my mind is turning for ways I can begin to help him draw a contrast between his hijacked images of what happened to his family and what is reality. I'm thinking I'll start with the pages of the book, but I have to be careful with that one.

He looks at me hopefully.

"Katniss, just know this. No matter how terrible it is, having you around makes it better."

I tell him, "Come here. I'm holding you tonight."

He looks at me in that snarky Peeta way with one eyebrow cocked.

"Slide over here, Mellark. You're the patient tonight." His face transforms into a soft smile and he moves closer to me. I mimic our favorite sleeping position and slide down to let him place his head on my arm while I attempt to encircle him with it. He's so broad, it's nearly impossible. But, I like it! He places his protective arm across my stomach and pulls me in tighter. I pray that he doesn't feel the heat growing there or the twisting and turning of my insides. The more I'm with him, the closer I get to him, the more I feel myself losing all control. The funny thing is that I no longer want the control.

I. Want. Peeta.

A burning ember of hope grows and pulsates in my chest every time I see him. It started the day he arrived back in town. I must admit that most of the progress I've made up to now has largely been based in routine; the routine of serving and contributing to the district. Giving my time to useful things instead of feeding my own darkness has helped me pull up out of the hole I occupied for so long. But, I still gave little thought to a future for myself. When Peeta showed up, that began to change. I could feel myself slowly begin to see some glimpses of the future beyond the festival and the rebuilding. I must be losing my mind, but it feels so good!

He laughs because he thinks our new sleeping arrangement is funny, him being so much bigger than I am. We both fall asleep with smiles on our faces. Sometime during the night, I feel my arm fall asleep under Peeta's weight and I turn to pull it from under his head. He's facing me, curled into himself like a little boy and he looks like a muscular angel. I move in closer and plant a kiss on his forehead before nuzzling up to him and falling back to sleep.

* * *

The next day, I start the wheels turning on how I'm going to start helping Peeta deal with the death of his entire family. It sounds crazy when I say it out loud. But, unfortunately stories like this are very common since the rebellion. I decide to continue working on the memorial pages for his family. I have to get help from some older District 12 citizens to fill in what I don't know about them. His father was always a quiet, proud man. His mother was just completely unapproachable, especially if you were from the Seam!

Peeta's been keeping busy with the bakery rebuilding, so the chances of us running into each other in town is not likely. I spend my days as usual, either in the woods or preparing for the festival. I start with some of the older members of the Council to get information on Peeta's parents: his father, Errol and mother, Millicent. I knew his brothers, Bing and Barley, well enough to get a good start since they were just a few years older than me. I was able to recall enough about those two. Besides, I'll need to leave enough space for Peeta to add his own thoughts and a picture of each of them. As I read some of the information back, I could see a little bit of all of them in Peeta.

I learn that Errol was from a long line of bakers and that he was always a sensitive child. He brought home stray animals repeatedly and often gave away his lunch to hungry children from the Seam. Being a father came naturally to him, earning him the respect of his boys and practically every citizen in District 12. He took pride in his boys, praising them especially when they were kind and self-sacrificing. I add how Mr. Mellark visited me after the first reaping to bring me the cookies and I break down in tears. Had I known that I'd someday love his son so much, I'd have given him a longer hug and a proper 'thank you' for raising someone like Peeta Mellark.

Millicent was the daughter of a former mayor and was known as a perfectionist from childhood. She was always a good student, excelling at practically every subject in school. She always wanted the best for her family, encouraging her children to excel in school and business endeavors. Until Errol married her, Mellark's Bakery was not very profitable, operating solely on passion and often giving food away to District 12 citizens. She took over management of the books, turning a significant profit for the first time since the bakery was opened generations before.

Bing, the oldest, was serious and steady. He was a trusted friend who was said to never betray a confidence and was always fair. He was student president of his senior class and graduated valedictorian. He was the first Mellark sibling to be interested in wrestling, inspiring his two younger brothers, Barely and Peeta, to pursue that sport. Bing was his mother's second-in-command when it came to managing the bakery books.

Barley, the middle son, was fun loving and kept everyone around him laughing with his antics. He enjoyed all in life that was good and beautiful. Barley excelled at practically every sport he undertook, but had a special affinity for wrestling, surpassing his older brother's total wins. He was known to have a big heart and a way with words. Like his father, he often brought home stray animals and was known to sneak bakery treats to those who couldn't pay when his mother wasn't looking.

I tuck these pages away in my bedroom. Since Peeta's episode, mild as it was, I've been hesitant to continue working on the book with him around. I have passed a barrier in completing the pages, but I'm still no artist. At some point I'll have to include Peeta again. I just don't know what will happen when we deal with his family's deaths.

I decide, for my own safety, that I should tell Haymitch about my plans to have Peeta help me with his family's pages and have him on standby.

"Well, I think you're crazy, sweetheart. But, love will make you do crazy things," as he gives me that smartass Haymitch smirk.

"I'm not in love with Peeta, Haymitch!" Well, I am, but it's none of his business!

" _Sure_ , you're not. Okay, so run this by me again."

"Dr. Aurelius has told Peeta that he needs to confront his family's murder the way he has all of the other hijacked visions he's had. In order to do that, we need to give him something to rationalize that disputes what he sees. Being back here in District 12, he sees I'm not a murderous mutt. For one thing, by going to the bakery site he sees that the large burnt out crater was caused obviously by a hover craft bomb and not Mutt Katniss. He's been talking to people who were here the day the District was bombed. As he makes these connections, he builds rationalizations. As he faces evidence and facts about what  _really_  happened, he'll eventually become desensitized to the images. So, by me starting the pages for his family, it's a small step in helping him confront it. Make sense? It's just a first step, not a final cure. But, just in case I've over-played my hand, I need you on standby in case he gets violent. I don't think he will. And even if he does, I'm faster than he is and I think I can talk my way out of it. And, I know Peeta would never forgive himself if he did anything to hurt another person."

"Yeah, especially you. Tell me, sweetie. Why are you doing this? What's motivating you?"

"I want to help Peeta. He's my friend."

"Friend, huh? Katniss…" He rarely calls me by my name. He looks at me exasperatedly. "…just admit that you  _love_  the guy! It's not the end of the damn world! He's been through hell and back for you, swallowed fire and now he's back for seconds. If you blow this with him, it may be your last chance!"

As I've said before, he never ceases to amaze me with what he notices. Or am I just that damn transparent? I'm speechless. I stare at him, mute, for what seems like forever. Damn him! All I can say is "Okay, Haymitch. I won't blow this."

In his Haymitch way, he winks at me and says, "Good girl. Now, when is this sting operation going down?"

"Our next session working on the book is tomorrow around noon." I take my leave of Haymitch before he makes me confront some other shit I'm not ready for.

The next day Peeta comes over to work on the book. I leave my window open just in case Haymitch needs to hear me. He's agreed to stay sober at least until after we're done.

I change my mind about showing him the pages about 10 times before I decide that I've wasted enough time. I don't have some grand presentation worked out, so I just slipped them into the back of the book. Then I steel myself and pull them out while he's working on Foxface's page.

"What's that?"

"Well, this  _is_  a book of people we care about that lost their lives during the Games and the Rebellion. It's not just  _my_  book; it's  _our_  book."

I place the pages in front of him. At the top of each I've painstakingly written their names in calligraphy with the writings underneath. I wanted it to be perfect. I'd left a spot in the upper right corner of each page for a picture or painting.

"I left enough room for you to add some more personal things to them." He's not saying a word and his face is expressionless. He's leafing through the pages slowly.

He finishes with each and leans forward, placing them on the coffee table. He leans back and runs his hands along his thighs without looking at me.  _Damn it, Katniss_!

"Peeta? I hope I didn't do something wrong."

I see his hands begin to shake and his breathing increases. His eyes go dark but his expression is blank. He won't look at me. I want to flee out of shame and to protect myself, but I don't. He clenches his fists to the point that the knuckles turn white and his nails appear to be biting into his skin. He's rocking back and forth on the sofa. I stand up and put about 4 feet of distance between us. But, after two or three minutes I notice that Peeta is not making any moves to get up. So, I take a deep breath and walk over to him.

"Peeta, it's not real. You're here in District 12. It was bombed by the Capitol. The bakery was destroyed by a bomb."

"No, you destroyed them. Now you flaunt it in my face!" He's saying the words through clenched teeth, but he's not looking at me. He's looking at some point far beyond this room.

"No, I didn't. Snow did. He wants you to think I did. I couldn't destroy someone you loved. Lots of things were destroyed. I didn't target your family or anyone else. The Capitol did. They tried to get rid of all of us. I care too much about you. Somewhere deep within you, you already know this." He flinches.

"You only care about yourself. You're a mutt and a whore and I don't believe anything you're saying."

"Not true. Not real. I think you know this. You just have to keep telling yourself it's not real." I steel my feelings against his harsh words. Tears threaten to fall, but I know I'm much stronger and tougher than a couple of words.

"Peeta, we won the war and now we're free. You're rebuilding the bakery. We're working on a memory book together. We sleep together every night. I couldn't do those things, Peeta." I'm getting a little nervous now.

He slowly loosens his grip and his breathing starts to turn to normal. I walk over and sit down next to him. I reach up to rub his forehead. It's sweaty. He flinches slightly, so I back off. He just sits there rocking back and forth. Before long he's able to look at me with those eyes.

"Katniss, what happened?" I point to the pages and recognition crosses his face. He's not happy.

"Did you make these?" I nod. "That was dangerous. Why did you do that?"

"Because we look out for each other. I told you I want to help. You help me every night when you chase the nightmares away. Why can't I help you?"

"This isn't about the whole  _not-owing-anyone_  thing is it?"

"No, Peeta." I was a bug's hair away from telling him 'Because I love you,' but I didn't. I couldn't. Not yet.

"Promise me this. No more surprises. Let me in on it. I still don't know how far I can be pushed, Katniss. It would kill me if I ever harmed you."

"Okay."

"Promise me!"

"Okay! I promise." He seemed to relax at that.

"Do you want to work on your family's pages now?"

"No. Not now. In fact, I'll take them with me and work on them in private. Are you okay with that?"

"I'm okay with whatever you want to do. Are you staying over tonight?"

He looks at me with the saddest, most unsure expression I've ever seen on Peeta Mellark's happy face. "Do you want me to?"

"Please. My mom is arriving tomorrow. So, tonight's the last night to get a good night's rest." I say these words hoping that my thinly veiled excuse isn't too transparent. I know I'll miss his arms being around me at night.

I have dinner that night with Sae, Haymith, Maya and Peeta at his house. When we finish, we head back over to my place where we spend our last night together before our guests arrive.

The next day, mom's train is scheduled to arrive on time. I'd spent all week cleaning the house and freezing meals. Sae offered to prepare most meals at Peeta's if I got her some more herbs, vegetables and berries. As for the meat, District 12 now has lots of hunters because it is now legal. It's the way many of them make a living; another of the million reasons I stopped hunting. I did not need money, so why deprive someone else of making a living by being their competition?

I walk down to the station alone to greet my mother. All of my so-called support system bails out on me. Haymitch is too busy with festival planning stuff. Sae is cooking up a storm to feed our guests. Peeta is busy at the bakery site. So, I take my time walking down to the train to give myself space to think and meditate on what has changed in my life over the last 2 months. Peeta is back in my life and that makes everything better. As much progress as I made while he was gone, I feel like I'm making even more now. He makes me feel lighter, physically lighter, if that's possible! I must look like a fool, walking, smiling and waving to everyone because I get some rather strange looks. When I see the sign of the station come into view, I snap out of my dream state. I wait patiently on the bench for the train to arrive. Within minutes, it's here.

My mom is the first person off the train. I brace myself for whatever emotion is about to come up because I really don't know. She looks the same, except for a few more stress lines in her face and she's greying around the hairline. She looks fit, but tired. She's probably drowning herself in her work. She's wearing a simple choral colored dress that stops at her knees. Her blonde hair is pulled back in a bun, for travelling, I'm sure. She's wearing tan flats and looks tan herself. Other than that, she has not changed much at all.

"Mom?"

"Katniss!" She runs to me and grabs me so hard she almost knocks me over. She's crying. I'm stunned at first. Her hands are all over me; checking my arms and fingers and elbows as if I were a newborn. She shakes her head and looks at me for what seems like forever.

"Honey, I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to get here. Can you ever forgive me? You  _do_  know I love you, right?"

"I do, mom. Let's not worry about that. I'm just glad you're here. The past is the past, okay?"

She takes my face in her hands and plants little kisses all over me. When she smiles, I can see Prim all over again. I begin to feel tears pricking my eyes. Actual tears. I haven't cried with or about my mother in years.

"You're just so darn beautiful! But, you're too skinny." I giggle and we hug again. For a minute there we look like a normal mother and daughter meeting after a too long absence. My levity doesn't last for long, though. As I look over her shoulder, I see another figure exit the train and my breath catches so slightly only she can hear it. The figure moves towards us slowly. It's tall, dark, and Gale!

"Hey there, Catnip."

**-Yep, folks!**


	11. I Found A Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter inspired by Adele's 'I Found A Boy'

**Katniss' POV**

I stand there for what seems like an eternity just staring into his face. He looks the same, except maybe more prosperous and a little more stressed. He's obviously been getting enough to eat and not toiling away in the mines all day. Life as a government official has been kind to him.

Once I get past the shock of seeing him, anger threatens to overtake me. How dare he show up here after all that he'd done! Prim is dead because of him, not to mention all of those innocent children! Capitol citizens or not, they didn't deserve to die because of their parents' stupidity. My emotions are spiraling out of control and I'm still staring at him. I draw on the methods Dr. Aurelius taught me. Suddenly, I hear my mother intervene.

"Gale. You look well."

"Hello, Mrs. Everdeen."

We stand there in awkward silence as I envision the meadow to try and calm my pulse down to a normal level.

"I'm in town for the festival…and to visit mom and the kids as well."

"How  _is_  your mother? I haven't spoken to her in a while."

"She's doing okay. Mrs. Ever…" He makes a move towards us with his hands extended, but I grasp my mother by the elbow and spin in the direction of the Village.

"I think we'll be going now, Gale," I intervene before he can continue. I don't think either of us wants any kind of apology or explanation to ruin the happy moment we're in now.

"Okay.." he says and we walk away, leaving him standing there on the platform.

Mom and I walk to Victor's Village, me holding her bag in my left hand and her holding my right hand. We walk in complete silence, both probably thinking the same thing…thinking about Prim. Prim should be here with us celebrating freedom and renewal. But, something else surprises me; a thing that I was not prepared for. Gale had such deep sorrow in his eyes. They seemed to have lost the fire from before. Though his countenance was the same, his smile did not reach his eyes. I could feel myself begin to doubt the rationale of holding onto the anger I've held towards him all these years. I felt almost…sorry for him. I wasn't ready to let it go, but I knew that keeping it didn't make sense and would only serve to weigh me down.

I swore I'd do everything I needed to do to be better for Peeta. I knew that holding on to anger would not bring Prim back. There's an old quote that my dad had inscribed in the back of a book he bought me as a child. I never understood it until this very moment. He credited it to an ancient philosopher, who lived long before the dark days, named Buddha.

The quote was " _Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned_."

Recalling those words and seeing the hurt and pain in Gale's eyes dampens the fire that's burned in my belly towards him. I put him out of my mind to focus on this moment with my mother. She's the only family I have left and I can't blow this chance to reconnect with her.

We go back to my place and get her settled. The first thing my mom does is enter Prim's room. I've avoided that room since I've been back. That's one bridge I'm simply not ready to cross yet. My mother, who could barely get out of bed to feed her children after my father died, walks into Prim's room lightly stroking everything from the mirror to the blue plaid ribbon tied around the door knob. She opens the curtains and the window, then sits on the bed and just stares out of it. I keep my distance at the doorway.

"It's almost as if she just left for the school day and she'll be right back."

My mom sits gingerly on Prim's bed and stares out the window for God knows how long. I can't take anymore, so I excuse myself to go take a shower. I resist the urge to lock myself away under the warm spray and just stay there all evening. Long hot showers are right up there with hiding in my closet, as far as self-soothing goes. I grew up in the Seam with no running or hot water. Showers and baths are a luxury I'll never tire of and I take them often. The only thing that brings me out of the shower is thinking about Peeta. I need the dandelion to spring up through the hard earth and give me hope. I know he'll be at dinner tonight so I get my butt out of the shower and get dressed.

Sae, who loves to cook a whole lot more than I do, insists we come by for a bite to eat. She greets my mother with a quiet reserve that I expected. Sae never did like the fact that she left me here in District 12 to care for myself when I so desperately needed help. But, she and I talked before my mom arrived and I asked if she could please just help me through this week. I actually feel more daughterly love towards Sae than I do my own mother. But, rather than looking at it from the negative, I think of it as having two moms. One birthed me and loves me, even when she can't show it. She holds my legacy and is the last linkage I have to my father and Prim. The other cared for me when she had wounds of her own to nurse. She inconvenienced herself and sacrificed for me. Now they both are here to celebrate our progress.

Peeta and Haymitch join us for dinner. I notice my mom intercepting looks between him and me several times. When he smiles at Maya or laughs at a joke, I can't help but be mesmerized by his goodness. His presence is like warm sun on a perfect day when everything just seems to go right. I look around the table at this little make-shift family that I have and I'm suddenly at peace. We talk about so many things that night: the new government, the district rebuilding, mom's new career as a nurse, Peeta's bakery plans, the festival and the arrival of Annie, Finn and Johanna on tomorrow.

Haymitch chimes in, "Hey, Effie called me on yesterday; looks like she's coming in to emcee the festival. Which one of you is going to put her up?"

I chime in first. "There's no room at the inn. Sorry."

Sae snorts as she shoots a look at Peeta, "I can't stand that woman and her Capitol affectations!"

"She's not that bad, Sae," Peeta says. "Haymitch, why can't she stay with you?"

"Oh, no! My place is a pig sty! Besides, I don't think she'll be able to keep her hands off  _all_  of this. For her own good, I think I'll just get her a room at that new boarding house in town. Let them put up with her!" We all get a good laugh at Effie's expense in spite of the weird, deep affection we all share for her.

Sae reminds me that I still owe her some wild berries and a few fresh herbs. "I need more berries for my cobbler, girl. I've got everything else pretty much prepared. If I can get those berries, we might actually get some desert."

"Alright, Sae. I'll head out to the woods early tomorrow to get your berries," I say as I peck her on the cheek. She pretends to be annoyed by it but I know better. The affection between the old woman and me is obvious. I see a fleeting expression of what might be jealousy on my mom's face when she observes us. As juvenile as it sounds, it makes me feel kind of good. We say our good-nights and I hold Peeta's gaze briefly enough that I think no one else notices, but long enough to get my message across:  _I'll miss you tonight_. Haymitch laughs sarcastically and shoots us both a secret wink.  _How I hate that man!_

The next day, I rise early, just as I did when I hunted regularly, leaving my mom in the care of Haymitch and Sae. I want to get an early start to get the best berries before the woodland animals take the good stuff. I start up the four-wheeler and head to my destination. Reflecting on last night, I only had one nightmare in Peeta's absence. It wasn't one of the really bad ones, thankfully. His presence in my life has a lasting effect; even when he can't be near me, I feel like he is. I find the ideal spot to park and begin my gathering. I'm about a half-hour into my task when I hear a rustling up above my head in the trees. I look up and see several birds fly from their perch. My hunter instincts, which never die, make my ears perk up. Even though I no longer hunt, I still carry my bow for protection. Obviously, something startled those birds. Just as I'm beginning to question my decision to leave my bow in the cargo compartment of the four-wheeler, I see what disturbed the birds. I turn in time to see Gale walking my way.

"Please don't leave."

"Gale." He's walking slowly towards me with a pleading expression on his face. I don't know what to make of the man that used to be my friend. He doesn't seem like the old Gale and I feel a strange form of sympathy for him when all I want to do is hate him.

"I'm sorry about yesterday, Katniss. I just didn't know what to say. I felt…awkward." There are those sorry eyes again. He rarely calls me anything but Catnip. So, I know he's feeling awkward and out of sorts.

"That makes two of us. How have you been?" I decide to take a new approach and resist the urge to be angry. Let's see where this goes.

"I've been better. I see you're enjoying the four-wheelers sent down from the procurement office."

"Yeah, Thom thought they were a good idea. Thanks…I mean…for sending them here. They…do help."

He smirks. "Is Thom finally over his little crush on you?"

"How'd you know about that?" I say before I can stop myself.

"I could just tell whenever I talked to him. He spent most of our conversations gushing about you…until recently." He chuckles.

"So, what are you doing out here so early? From the looks of it, you don't need to hunt to stay alive anymore."

"Well, I'm not the only one. You look good. "

"Thanks," I say as I nervously tuck a stray piece of hair behind my ear.

He chucks a rock into the trees. Birds scatter from the branches, reminding me of the games we used to play in the woods as kids. I would call out a number. Gale would then throw a rock into the trees, causing the birds to flee. I would pick them off as they fled. If I got fewer than my number, I had to give him one. If I got more, he owed me something that he'd snared.

"I knew you'd probably be out here at some point. My plan was to come out here every day until I ran into you."

"Why? Why wouldn't you just call if you wanted to talk to me?"

He stuffs his hands into his pockets. "I knew you wouldn't take a phone call from me, and you can't hang up on me out here. Besides, I know you love it out here. How's the old arm?" He mimics shooting a bow.

"I don't hunt anymore, Gale."

"Really? Why not? Too rich?"

"Killing for me before was a matter of survival, not sport. I don't need to cause another being's death to survive anymore. Besides, I'd be competing with other hunters who need the money more than I do."

"I see. Too rich." He's staring at me in that uncomfortable way again.

"I'm sorry I didn't write, Katniss. We have a lot to say to each other, and a letter just didn't seem to be a good way to say what I have to say. Not after all we've been through together." I turn as if to head back to the four-wheeler.

"Katniss, I won't waste too much of your time. I just need to talk to you. Please stay." The smile has faded and that sadness is rising in his eyes again. "I'm…so…so…sorry…about Prim. If I'd known for a minute that my creation would've been used to hurt her, I'd have never allowed it. I loved Prim and it eats me alive every day to know that she's gone." He looks desperate and his eyes are misty.

"Oh, really? Try living in my world! And, what about the others, Gale? What about those children? Those babies? I know how much you hated the Capitol but, come on! Children? Really?" I see tears on his cheeks now and his voice is getting thicker. His hands are trembling.

"Katniss, please listen to me. You need to know this. Coin…was a snake, I know you know that. But, you may not know everything." He takes a deep shaky breath and steadies his hands by stuffing them in his pockets again. "I had no idea she was going to send Prim into that war zone. You know I'd have NEVER ALLOWED THAT! Furthermore, she lied to us. All of us! I spoke to some people from District 13 since the end of the rebellion to find out exactly what happened after we left for the Capitol. I just couldn't rest until I knew all the points of failure, because I felt so…responsible…for Prim's death."

I don't blink. I don't respond. I just stand there and let him talk.

"Beetee and I told her that the device wasn't perfected in order to try and throw her off. We could just sense her eagerness to use the damn thing! But, we designed it to be used in dire circumstances  _only_. It was only meant to be used to  _protect_  District 13 in the event of a serious attack. She sent me, you and Peeta into battle to get us out of the way. Hoping we'd die, I'm sure. Once we were gone, she sent Prim into the war zone without even consulting your mother. That bomb was so deadly, it required dual authorization before it could be released; that was to come from  _me_  and  _Beetee_. Neither one of us could release it without the other's consent and only then by special order from the President. With me out of the way she put one of her yes-men in my place. Then she strong-armed Beetee and lied to him, getting the authorization she needed to release the bomb. We had the Capitol surrounded and were very close to taking it down at its core. So there was no real need to use that bomb. She knew this. It's one of the very reasons your sentence for killing her was so light."

"Why haven't I heard any of this, Gale? Why?" I'm hysterical. All of this factored into my sister's death, and my and Peeta's fate. And no one decided to tell us. I have to take deep, healing breaths.

"You were in no state to absorb this, Katniss. Everything I've told you is confidential; top-secret intel. If people find out it wasn't the Capitol that bombed their own, this could spark another war. They think the rebels won by playing fair. Paylor was instrumental in the rebellion and people trust her, with good reason. If they associate the rebellion with lies and deceit, they no longer  _will_  trust her. Coin did a lot of underhanded stuff. I didn't find out until after the war was over. I felt terrible, like I should've known better. I was so naïve; blinded by rage and revenge. You can tell no one about this. Not even Peeta."

At the mention of his name, my composure falters and I'm sure my cheeks turn pink. I look away from Gale, gripped by this overwhelming feeling that my relationship with Peeta is too good, too untainted to share with him right now. He doesn't deserve to share in that part of my life. I'm still stunned by this new information. But, it does explain a lot. Things in Panem are better, but at a high cost. The cost of Prim and so many others. At least now I  _know_  I didn't shoot that arrow in vain. I avenged Prim's death. Coin is no more. Neither she nor Snow can hurt anyone else. And Gale's right. I wouldn't have been strong enough to handle this even 6 months ago.

"So, it's better for Panem to go on thinking I was the crazy loon who killed the President? When in actuality she was a sadistic killer. My instincts about her were right. I don't regret killing her, especially knowing this. She was another Snow in the making."

"I just couldn't go on without telling you…in person…how sorry I am. I don't expect forgiveness. I'd hate me, too, if I were you. Prim's death changed me, profoundly. I'm not as angry anymore. Knowing that someone as inherently good as Prim was sacrificed in the war taught me to pause before acting. I know what's really important now. And revenge isn't always that important." Silence again. Gale is the first to break it.

"How is he, Katniss? I hear he's back here." I know who he's talking about. That must have been told to him by Thom, of all people. Or perhaps he picked up on it in Panem news, which I try not to watch. I feel protective when it comes to Peeta; especially where Gale's concerned.

"I see Thom likes to spread good news. Peeta's doing fine. I'm sure you'll see for yourself."

He looks at me for a long time without saying a word.

"You know you could never really hide anything from me. Do you love him?"

Try as I might, I can't lie to Gale. I just look away rather than lying.

"Katniss, love is not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about. And life's too short to not embrace it. As much as I hate to admit it, Peeta's a good guy. And believe me, I tried to hate the guy. Even after he was hijacked, I never doubted that he loved you. And I know you love him, too. I knew when I saw how you kissed him…in the Quarter Quell. Mellark is the kind of guy that would walk through fire mutts for you. And he did. Yeah, sure, I felt possessive of you back then. We had history. I loved you. I still do. Probably always will, but in a different way. We've changed a lot. Grown a lot."

He pauses for a moment. "Hey, don't keep sacrificing your happiness to please others."

"Well, who said I was, Mr. Know-It-All?"

He chuckles at this. "There's the Catnip I know."

"You're not the only one who's grown, Gale. I went through some pretty dark days after coming back here. I'm finally able to see some possibility of happiness in my life."

"Would one Peeta Mellark have something to do with that?"

I roll my eyes, but can't fight the small smile from tugging at the corners of my lips. I'll never get used to the effect Peeta has on me!

"I just freaked when I saw you. It felt like a threat to all I've worked to resolve. I know you'd never intentionally hurt Prim. I just hurled my anger at you. It was a war, for God's sake! Lots of people died. I'm sorry I cut you out of my life, but I'm not exactly ready to embrace friendship just yet. And now I've got all of this new information to digest. It's just too much." Now the tears are gushing forward and I just want to flee. But, I know I need to face this. Neither of us has moved from our spots since we began.

"I understand. Just know that there's always a place in my heart for you. I want you to be happy. I'm there for you whenever you need, no matter how long it takes you. Hopefully one day we can be there for each other…like real friends should be."

He turns to leave me with a small smile and a nod of his head.

"Gale?" He turns back. "See you around?"

"Sure thing, Catnip." And he's gone.

His words to Peeta from long ago echo in my head.  _Katniss will choose whomever she can't survive without_. I was angry when I first heard this; ashamed that this implied that I used Peeta to survive. I now know that what Gale said was true, with an exception.  _Surviving_  is not  _living_. I can  _survive_  on my own. But, I can't  _live_  without Peeta.

I head back home to clean up before going to the station to meet Annie, Finn and Johanna. As I walk through town, I see all of the excitement building for the Phoenix Festival. District 12 has been through a lot and has risen from the ashes, just like a Phoenix. The Justice Building and Merchant Square are decked out in colors symbolic of the mythical bird: gold, scarlet and purple. Buildings and booths sport the vibrant colors in the way of banners, flags, and streamers, making it look like a parallel universe to what this district used to be.

Almost gone are the grey buildings in desperate need of paint and the ever-present coating of coal dust on everything. Even bright colors were muted in days before the rebellion. The town council put forth a resolution for vote by the town's people to rename the district. New Phoenix was chosen in honor of the rebuilding after the war. On tomorrow, President Paylor will sign the proclamation via live broadcast to a huge screen in the town square. The ribbon will be cut, signs will be changed and District 12 will be no more. After the festival, there will be an election held for a mayor who'll actually be chosen by the people.

Vendors have signed on to present their wares and services at booths during the festival. We're hoping to recreate that feeling of community that's been building since we began repopulation. There will be a presentation by the town council, followed by a signing of the newly penned anthem and a ribbon cutting of the new Justice Building. There will be a live band and a raised dance floor right in the middle of the square. Our town is in need of a celebration and I feel a sense of pride that I've helped in the planning of something like this.

Before I know it, I'm standing in front of the platform, like I have so many times. The arrival and departure of this train has marked so many pivotal points in my life. It carried Peeta and me away and back home safely. It took Peeta away when I pushed him away but brought him right back to my doorstep. It brought my mom and Gale back into my life. And now, it's delivering two very dear friends and a new addition to our lives.

I see the sleek machine pull into view right on time. I spot Johanna before she even exits the train. She's bobbing up and down in her seat, her hand waving away like crazy. I immediately break out into laughter at the sight of her. As she exits, I notice how healthy she looks. She's got her dark hair cropped very short, but it's cute on her. She's wearing simple jeans and a blue sleeveless button down shirt tucked in at her trim waist. Annie is just behind her carrying the plumpest little toddler with reddish-golden brown curls and  _the most_  exquisite green eyes I've ever seen! I nearly choke up as I think of Finnick. He sacrificed his life for them. For us to have a better life. If I didn't appreciate Peeta before this moment, I do now. We move in for hugs and kisses and I get introduced to Little Finn, as he's called.

Children still make me nervous. Prim was the first child I ever had an inclination to want to nurture. Rue was in my life for only a short time, but I felt that same protective urge towards her. Maya has simply grown on me. Finn and babies like him still make me feel uneasy. I'm uncomfortable with the total dependence and admiration they have for adults. I coo and fuss over him as is customary, then hand him back to his mother. We make our way to Victor's Village, drawing stares along the way. Most of them are directed towards Johanna, I'm sure. She is exotic looking. Many of the men nod as we pass and I just have to chuckle to myself.

I escort Johanna to Peeta's house after getting Annie and Finn settled at my place. My mom takes to the baby right away. From the looks of things, Annie could really use the break, too. We all dine casually at my place on rabbit stew over rice, iced tea and a rare delicacy for desert. Ice cream! District 12, soon to be New Phoenix, now has ice cream available. We all sit around afterwards in awe of the fact that just a couple of years ago, we were fighting for our lives.

Normality feels foreign to us, so we just sit there in silence for a while. Peeta sits by the hearth. I sit on the floor next to him. Johanna is holding a sleeping Little Finn on the sofa. Annie is sitting in the recliner, just staring out the window. Haymitch is in the rocker, head thrown back and snoring from a mixture of wine and white liquor. No one speaks. I catch Peeta's eye for a second and we smile softly at each other. Everyone turns in early from exhaustion and too much wine. I miss Peeta beside me again that night, but I fall asleep looking forward to the following day when he escorts me to the festival. This must be what those giddy merchant girls felt like before going to a dance, something I never got to attend.

That night, my nightmares reach a whole new level. I haven't had Coin in one of my dreams for some time. It's the same dream I've had so many times of trying to reach Prim across this great gap in the ground. Only this time, when I reach the bottom it's not Peeta's arms that catch me. It's Snow's. And Coin is there laughing mercilessly, taunting me with the death of my little sister. Both of them have blood-soaked mouths and they smell like decaying flesh. In the distance, up above ground, I hear my mother crying for me and Prim. I call back to her to tell her I'm alright but she can't hear me. When I scream louder to her, I feel someone shake me by the shoulders. I realize it's my mom. She's there holding me.

"Katniss, honey, it's okay. Shhhh. It's okay. She's in a better place. We all are. It's alright." She's crying too. I'm holding onto her for dear life.

"Mom, will you sleep with me tonight?"

"Scoot over, baby." She crawls in with me and holds me like I'm a little kid and we fall asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter is a little choppy, but a necessary bridge to what's to come. Some of you expressed some serious disappointment that Gale showed up again. I admire your passion! Let me say that I've been Team Peeta from day one! I believe by this point Katniss has reconciled her feelings for Gale; there's no question in my mind. But, she can't truly go forward with Peeta without tying up a few loose ends, whether she planned to do it or not. This is another example of her stepping up and being responsible and not running away from confusion and conflict. And what better thing for Peeta to see than Katniss confronted with Gale in all his Galeness, and still standing strong in her feelings for him?


	12. Chasing Pavements

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adele's 'Chasing Pavements' provided the inspiration!

 

**Katniss' POV**

The day of the festival brings a flurry of activity and last-minute loose ends to tie up. Everyone frantically prepares and we brief our guests on what to expect. I don't get to see Peeta very much early on in the day. We all agree to meet up on my front porch and walk to the festival together as likely the largest gathering of Victors District 12 has ever seen: Haymitch, Annie, Johanna, Peeta and me.

When it's time to head out, I take one last, long glance in the mirror. I'm wearing a fitted sundress in Peeta's favorite color, a soft burnt orange. I have my hair loose and flowing around my shoulders to offset the scars, and because something tells me he likes it this way. On my feet are comfortable but cute tan flats. I've got a minimal amount of makeup on; just enough to enhance my features without looking like a Capitol freak. I stare at this girl…woman in the mirror and see something in the eyes reflected back. I'm finally able see more than a hunter, a survivor, a Victor, a citizen or a war veteran. I see someone who's desirable and, hopefully, loved by someone else. The barriers I've built around my heart are gone. I feel like a Phoenix; rising from the ashes to sport a plume of beautifully colored feathers.

When the time arrives, Peeta shows up with Sae and Maya in tow. He looks handsome, as always, wearing crisp khakis, a white oxford and comfortable walking shoes. My heart flutters when he looks at me because I sense that he might like what he sees.

"You look…wow…beautiful as always," he says, almost in a whisper.

"You don't look too bad yourself, Mellark." My face is hot.

Haymitch, not missing an opportunity to get one in, says "Alright you two! Keep it clean! Minors and old people present!"

"He's just a lonely old fool! Don't mind him." Sae shoots back.

I just shake my head and smile at Peeta. My mom is doubled over in laughter.

"See what we have to put up with. Come on everyone; let's go before we're late."

I chorale them all off the front porch. As we walk out of Victor's Village, I can feel the back of Peeta's hand hovering close to mine. I reach out and take his hand as he gives me a shy smile. I swear my heart starts tap dancing right then and there. Does this man have any idea how sexy he is? I mean in the physical sense, for sure, he's gorgeous beyond belief. But, his soul and spirit are so beautiful. I push down a shred of doubt that I would have ever found anyone like him. I take comfort in the fact that he's here, he's with me and he doesn't seem too anxious to go anywhere else.

We head out of the Village, the group of Victors, Sae, Maya and my mom carrying Little Finn. On the road into the Square we run into Gale and his family. Hazelle and I exchange a warm hug as Peeta jokes around with her kids. My heart is full when I look around at all of us that survived and how different life was a couple of years ago. My breath silently hitches for a moment when Gale and Peeta spot each other.

Gale nods first. "Peeta. How are you, man?" He extends his hand.

Peeta extends his and offers a small, but guarded smile. "Doing well. How about you?"

"I can't complain. And if I did, who'd I complain to?" They both nod in agreement.

"It's good to see you." Peeta returns. I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding.

Then I notice it. Gale spots Johanna and momentarily loses his ability to speak. She's looking rather striking tonight wearing a stark white, fitted dress that shows off her District 4 tan and dark short-cropped hair. I look from one to the other, totally amusing myself, before I attempt to reacquaint them.

"Gale Hawthorne. You remember Johanna Mason."

"Hey there, gorgeous," she says in true Johanna fashion.

"Hey there, yourself. Mind if I walk in with you? It might raise my status in this town."

"Not at all, cowboy. I'm all yours." Haymitch rolls his eyes, takes a swig from his flask and heads into the square.

We walk into the square in a single file. The crowd that's already assembled there, previously buzzing, has fallen to a hush. My mom, Sae and the kids take their place along with Gale and his family. The five of us walk silently up to a special reserved place on the stage. Before sitting, we all turn in unison to face the crowd. They do something completely unexpected. And to this day I don't know if it was rehearsed or spontaneous. Each person in the crowd salutes us by placing the three middle fingers on their left hand to their lips and then extending them to the heavens. I reach out and grab Peeta's hand to steel the emotions boiling up inside me.

The beginning of the ceremony is festive but somber as we honor those from our district that fell to the games and the rebellion with a funeral chant that's local to our district. We salute those who have fallen in the same manner that the crowd saluted the Victors, with the three-finger kiss. I see Sae comforting my mom. I find out later that there was an image of Prim displayed in the montage of those who'd fallen during the war. There were also photos of Peeta's family taken from the Capitol records of district citizens. I thank God I didn't see them at the time.

There are tears, gasps, hugs and moments of silence as Effie leads us through the ceremony flawlessly, as is her way. Each Victor had been asked to say something to the crowd. I've always been terrible at this, so Peeta and I had agreed to speak together as co-Victors. Of course, he does most of the talking and the crowd goes wild. Johanna gives a fiery speech as I watch Gale watching her, completely mesmerized. Annie speaks of hope and renewal…and of Finnick. Haymitch's speech is short, to the point and quite inspiring for such a cynic. I have to smile to myself.

After that, President Paylor signs the proclamation via live satellite, officially changing the town name to New Phoenix. All districts will undergo this process eventually. A small group of school children serenade us with our new anthem and a few old standards from the past. What strikes me for the first time, seeing the entire town assembled together, is the noticeable decrease in the number of children. Something unexpectedly pulls at my heart as I try to figure out why this is.

Things wrap up finally with the ribbon cutting of the new Justice Building and an announcement that qualifications for Mayor will begin in exactly one week. After all that is done, Haymitch and Effie declare the party is under way. The band strikes up and the mood shifts to one that is light, free and fun-filled. I give Peeta a big hug.

"Are you okay?" He asks me.

"Yes, I am. Are you?"

"As long as you're here, yeah," is his response. "Let's go dance."

He pulls me in the direction of the dance floor and I catch a glimpse of Delly shooting those eye daggers again. I'm feeling good and a little mischievous, so I give her my biggest smile and best finger wave. I'm not surprised when she turns her head as if she didn't even see me. Later on, I spot her huddled in a corner with Thom, talking his ear off. I laugh and just enjoy my time with Peeta on the dance floor.

I learn that Delly is not the only one watching us tonight. As Peeta's twirling me around, I catch Gale watching us over Johanna's shoulder. He gives me a hint of a smile, which I return. After 4 or 5 fast tunes, the tempo begins to slow down for those that need either a rest or a bathroom break. But, I'm not tired yet. Peeta looks at me with questioning eyes and his arms extended. I walk into his arms, placing one hand on his shoulder and the other in his hand. He pulls me in close. I breathe him in and feel his heart beat and I'm in absolute heaven. How he manages to smell so sweet and manly all at the same time, I'll never know.

**Peeta's POV**

I try the best I can, keeping the rest of the world in focus. Katniss is in my arms on the dance floor, and it feels like there's no one there but the two of us. We've never even had the luxury of being with each other in the normal sense. This is a new normal. The Victory Tour, with all the Capitolesque manipulations, doesn't count in my book. The nervousness Katniss once felt because of us being watched all the time seems to have faded away. She's still shy and reserved, but much more open. Her face is glowing and she looks…happy. That makes me happy.

I feel warm inside. I pull her in closer. I can smell her hair, which looks really sexy cascading around her shoulders. It didn't go unnoticed that she wore my favorite color tonight. I know my heart is beating a mile a minute, but I don't care. I want her to feel that. I just want to freeze this moment in time forever. I don't know what possesses me to do this. Maybe spotting Effie across the room, giving me an encouraging smile and a thumbs-up did it. Maybe it's all the years I've waited for a moment like this. Perhaps it's all the times I've been lead to believe that this would never happen between us or that I would lose her forever. But, I seize the moment. I whisper in her ear.

"Katniss."

When she leans back to look at me, I move in for a kiss; the softest of kisses. I don't care who's looking and I hope she doesn't either. I pour every unspoken acknowledgement into that kiss and, after the slightest hesitation, she responds by pressing her lips back. She leans her head to the other side and lightly plants her lips to mine once again before pulling back. We lock eyes. She blushes but her eyes don't stray from mine. I can feel our heartbeats quicken in tandem. I pull her close to me once again, afraid I might let this moment slip through my fingers. We sway to the music as she rests her head on my chest, both of us with our eyes closed, blocking out the world.

"Come take a walk with me," I say when the song ends. She nods. I lead her towards a huge speaker off to the side that will allow us to leave the dance floor unnoticed. Before we duck behind it, I catch Gale's eye as he's dancing with Johanna. I take her hand and lead her to the other side of the square. It's not as well-lit as some other areas of the Square. There are only a couple of street lights since this part is still being rebuilt. She can't totally see my face yet and I take this opportunity to gather my composure and judge what she thought of the kiss. I'm a little nervous. We arrive, almost without thinking, at the site of the bakery.

We stand there, still holding hands, staring at what's become of my entire childhood. The burnt out structure has been cleared out and cleaned up. All of the soot is gone, along with the scattered remains of my family, I'm sure. The foundation has been poured and the frame is taking shape.

"The new design will be completely different from what it was before. We'll have booths and a diner-style bar for customers to sit and eat. We're adding a sandwich counter and drink machines, but it will still be  _primarily_  a bakery. We'll have the latest in kitchen equipment, the best money can buy. What used to be my family's living quarters upstairs will be an art studio, office and an efficiency apartment."

Katniss looks at me with raised eyebrows. "For those times I have to work overnight on large orders. It's also a recruitment incentive for future employees. At some point, I'm going to need help, if I'm successful. I figure offering a place to stay will draw some interest."

I look over at Katniss to see how she's taking this all in. This is my way of telling her that I'm committed to moving back home permanently and facing my demons. I want to resurrect the Mellark name to its rightful place. I want to build some stability in my life and she's the motivating factor behind that. She's listening intently and letting me speak.

"I just wish…they were here to see it and share in it. They were by no means a perfect family, but they're all I had."

And that's when it grips me; that feeling of 10,000 ants crawling across my skin and acid flowing through my veins. I recognize the signs. I'm about to have a flashback. My muscles tense and I realize that I'm still holding Katniss' hand. I fling it away before I squeeze hard enough to break it, hoping it doesn't hurt her feelings. I'm going under fast, but not before I hear her gasp and it breaks my heart. But, there's nothing I can do. Mutt Peeta's in control now.

I see Mutt Katniss standing there laughing at me; telling me how pathetic I am. Telling me how she and Gale murdered my family members one by one and then ran off to make love in celebration. I can see the haziness surrounding her, and she's hideous! My senses don't belong to me now.

There's an annoying little voice that speaks up, though faintly, somewhere in the depths of my soul, and the little shit won't shut the hell up. He's talking to someone in the distance, a female voice. The sound of their voices is making me crazy; giving me a headache. They're talking to each other and cooing to each other and they won't shut the fuck up! The female voice gets louder and louder, calling my name. Mutt Katniss looks pissed off after a while and just runs away.

The faint voice within me gets louder. It's telling me that none of the things I saw are real and that I love Katniss and don't want to hurt her. I realize the female voice it's been talking to  _is_  Katniss. I clench my fists and focus as hard as I can on her voice. It feels and sounds like I'm in a tunnel. I don't know how long I've been here, but I go towards her voice. I cling to it. She begins to get louder and clearer and Mutt Peeta starts to fade in the distance.

"Peeta, it's not real! I know you're in there. You know I didn't kill your family. I could never do such a thing. You don't want to hurt me. I could never hurt you. I could never hurt anyone that you love. Because I love  _you_."

She's standing next to me now, rubbing my back. I'm breathing heavy and sweating, my fists still clenched by my sides. I feel exhausted. Her face slowly comes into focus, and I see the beginning of a tear hanging on her lower eyelid.

"Katniss..."

"Shhhh...It's okay." She wraps her arms around me. We stand there for a long time while I try to bring the world back into focus. I feel so pathetic! She shouldn't see me like this. I know I was under for a while, and I'm wondering just how much of that I hallucinated.

"Katniss…did I hurt you? Did you say…I thought I heard you say something…when I was gone…"

**Katniss' POV**

It's too late the words are out of my mouth, and I have no regrets. I planned on telling him tonight, but I didn't plan to do it during an episode. I just spoke my heart because I wanted him to know. I wanted him to hear me. Now I've got to explain, lest he thinks I said it out of sympathy.

"Shhhh, Peeta…just breathe. You need to focus. Let's walk."

"No. Katniss…I want to tell you something…" He's never hidden his feelings for me. And I'm tired of him feeling like he's waiting for me catch up. So, I shush him again.

"Peeta, let me talk…okay? Please." I pause for a deep breath and gather my nerves. He's still slightly shaken from the episode and I'm shaking from nervousness. Aren't we a pair? I take his hands into mine and hold on tight.

"Peeta, you've always been so out front and honest about your feelings for me. And I've been a coward. I've run from you because I was afraid of what loving you  _could_ mean." I pause to catch my breath. His eyes widen and look questioningly at me, but he's not saying a word. I can feel the tears teasing my eyelids, and all I want to do is get through this without choking up!

"Peeta, I've never lived my life for anything  _but_  survival; getting from one day to the next. But, when I'm with you I can see beyond that. And you're the only person who makes me feel that way. Since you've been back I don't need my routine as much because you're the reason I look forward to getting up every day. I don't care what just happened here, because I know you could never hurt me. And you know that I would never do anything to hurt you. I trust you more than any person on this earth."

The words are rushing out and I'm afraid I'm starting not to make any sense. There's so much I need to tell him that it would take a lifetime to get it all in.

"When you first said you loved me, during the games, I was confused. I didn't understand how or why. I didn't have any plans for love in my life. I could only think about staying alive. But over time I began to realize just how connected we are. Just how much I needed you in my life. Then bigger…much bigger things got in the way and messed all that up."

He tries to speak again, and I shush him again. I've got to get this out now or I'll lose my nerve.

"Now those things are gone and I'm…I…Peeta Mellark, I love you. I  _do_ love you. And if you give me a chance, I promise I won't ever disappear on you again."

Still nothing! I'm looking at him, losing it more as each second goes by. He's just standing there staring at me with this bewildered look on his face. My heart is starting to pound wildly and I think maybe I've gone too far. Maybe I've misread him. Maybe his feelings really have changed. Maybe this was not the best time. He doesn't love me anymore. He really does just want to be…friends. I feel panic start to set in and I need to get out of here!

But, I'm too late. His lips are already on mine, teasing me with their soft warmth. I respond immediately and thankfully. His hands are holding my face as if to make sure I don't go anywhere. The kiss starts out soft but soon becomes desperate; it's as if we're trying to make up for years of unspoken feelings, missed opportunities and interferences.

My hands have slid down to his waist and I'm desperately gripping the material on either side of his shirt trying to pull him closer to me. Tears prick my eyes and I don't even care about holding them in. His fingertips are playing around the nape of my neck and it sends tiny shock waves throughout my body; spreading warmth to my abdomen. I haven't felt a kiss like this since we kissed on the beach in the Quarter Quell. I feel that stirring again that says there's more to this kiss beneath the surface. Every few seconds he pulls away to look at me in disbelief before finding my mouth again.

He takes my bottom lip between his and runs his sweet tongue along it. I melt and open my mouth to him, taking him in. Our tongues slide against each other as we breathe the same breath, releasing soft moans and whimpers against each other and exchanging salty tears. I can't believe this is happening. Our kiss deepens and the world fades into the background. There's nothing but me and Peeta; nothing else exists except us in this moment. I no longer hear the music and the cheers from the square. I'm not even sure of where I'm standing or what day it is. When he finally pulls away again, our faces are tear-streaked, red and flushed; our lips puffy. We nuzzle our noses and press our lips together one more time, his hands still holding my face. He gives me the brightest smile and those blue eyes seem to drink me in. Yep, he loves me!

"Katniss Everdeen, I owe you an apology." It's his turn to shush me.  
"In all of my declarations, I've never told you, and only you, to your face, that I love you. And I'm sorry. It's no wonder you were confused. I have another chance now, and for that, I'm  _so_  thankful. I love you now. I loved you then. I'll love you always." He kisses me again; softer, sweeter, but no less desperate. We finally pull apart and I give him the brightest smile.

"Thank, God! I was worried there for a moment." I tell him. He laughs and rubs his hands along my back.

We walk back to the Village, holding hands, as he apologizes over and over for making us miss the dancing at the festival. I assure him that it's okay. We can still hear the music and see the lights from the square on my porch.

"Let's have our own festival right here, on my front porch."  
"Are you sure? You worked hard to help plan this and now we're missing it."

"Yes, I'm sure. Besides, I didn't want to share you with anyone tonight. Especially Effie!" He laughs at this.

"Alright." He doesn't look convinced.  
"Dance with me" I tell him.

He wraps his arm around my waist anyway. I place my left hand on his shoulder and give him my right hand. We dance to a slow, sweet tune. When the next song begins, he pulls me in closer, placing both hands on my waist. I respond by wrapping both hands around his neck, and entwine my fingers through those blond curls. I slide my hands down to his shoulders and lean my head onto his chest, releasing a deep, breathy sigh.

"What's wrong?"  
"It's just...there was a time when I thought I'd never hear your heartbeat again. I'm just very thankful right now. That's all."

He places his hand under my chin and tips my face up towards his and plants a kiss on the tip of my nose, then my lips. I see a look in his eyes that makes my heart skip a beat. We take a seat on my porch swing and cuddle up next to each other. When we're not looking longingly into each other's eyes, we're kissing like it's going to be outlawed tomorrow. And he tastes so sweet. The more I have of him, the more I want.

"I don't know what I'd do without you, Peeta. I don't want to find out."

"I never thought I'd hear you say something like that. I love you."

We swing and talk about all of the things we've been afraid to talk about. We mouth 'I love you' silently and out loud several times, sometimes going into fits of giggles like adolescents. I snuggle into his arms as deep as I can get without climbing on his lap. I've suddenly turned into one of those girls I hated in school. Back then I figured why be all gooey and google-eyed over some boy that was just going to break your heart by leaving? I no longer feel that way. We have to seize every moment in life.

"I never feel safer than when I'm with you. Even in the most dire circumstances, you being with me has always made things better. I relied on you even before I knew I was doing it! I love you and I promise to do a better job of showing it." He looks at me with a disbelieving smile on his face as he makes tiny circles on my shoulders using the hand that's wrapped around me. He's totally unaware that he's driving me crazy! My need to kiss him is already bordering on insatiable. We've done practically nothing  _but_  that for the past hour and I can't keep my lips off him.

"You give me purpose, Katniss. You give me something to work for. When I came back here and saw how you'd basically created a family with Haymitch, Sae and Maya, I found a new reason to love you. I don't ever want to hear you call yourself selfish again."

I promise him I'll try. We sit in silence staring at our conjoined hands, lacing and unlacing our fingers together. There are more kisses, sweet and tender. His hand has slid from my shoulder to around my waist and my face is nuzzled in the crook of his neck as we swing back and forth.

"Peeta, by the time I realized I loved you, they'd taken you from me and made you not love me anymore. At the time, I felt I didn't deserve it anyway. I had to shut my emotions off and learn to let go by not letting myself get too close. There'd be nothing to lose that way. I just became more reclusive and bitter. I don't want that life anymore. Sae and Haymitch have helped me with that."

"I wish I'd been here to help you. You have no idea what this is doing to me. I love you so much! The air changes around me when you step into a room. You're my first thought in the morning and my last before I fall asleep at night."

"You did help me. More than you know. You're here now, and that's what counts."

We can hear the crowd begin to die down at the square. I know it will be over soon. I don't want him to leave just yet. I don't want this night to end. I don't want to be alone, and I don't want him to be alone after his episode. I have to think quickly.

"Peeta?"

"Hmmm?"

"Stay with me tonight." I say.  
"What about our guests?"  
"Well, my mom knows all about the nights on the train. Besides, she left me to my own devices a long time ago. We are adults, you know. They probably already assume something's going on between us. We'll keep it respectable. I just don't want to sleep alone tonight. I need you beside me."

"I can't argue with that. Your place or mine, Ms. Everdeen?"

We walk over to Peeta's place to get some pajamas and his toothbrush, holding hands because I can't bear to let him out of my sight. When we get back to my bedroom, I let him go into the bathroom first to get ready for bed, even though he protested saying  _ladies first_. I needed a couple of minutes to bask in the glow of what just happened. My nerve endings are alight and sensitive to everything around me: colors, sounds, smells, sensations! Is this what being in love feels like? I crawl up on the bed and gather my knees up to my chin like a blushing school girl and just think about those kisses.  _Those kisses make me weak!_

Soon Peeta emerges from the bathroom wearing drawstring pants and a plain white t-shirt. Only he can make such a simple outfit look so good! He gives me a shy smile and sits beside me. My heart is pounding so loud I swear he can see it through my dress.

"Your turn, Madame."

"I'll be right back."

I gather my things and head to change. When I'm inside with the door closed, I pause for a look in the mirror. My cheeks are flushed. My eyes are bright. My lips are full and kissed. And I giggle at my reflection like a silly goose. This 'love' thing is making me act like an idiot…and I love it. I brush my teeth and braid my hair. When I step into the bedroom, Peeta is already under the covers with his back resting against the headboard. I know I look nervous just standing there staring at him.  _Katniss, you've slept in his arms many times before. How is this different?_

It's different because now he knows. He knows that I love him. And he loves me. He looks so beautiful sitting there, staring at me, and patting my spot on the bed. I crawl in next to him, and when I move closer, all of my nervousness disappears. Peeta has always had this effect on me; because I trust him more than anyone I know. When I slide over next to him, my back against the headboard, he leans down and kisses me. He takes my hand into his, looks me in the eye and lets out a soft laugh.

"So, what does all this mean?" He asks.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we...love each other. Does this mean we're together or what?"

"Of course it does, silly man. What else would it mean?"

"I just want make sure I'm not assuming too much. Are we going to tell anyone or should we just let them figure it out?"

"I don't know. I've not given it much thought. I wanted to tell you how I felt first. I haven't put any thought into how or when to tell others."

"I'm sure they'll notice something different because I won't be able to hide my feelings for you now," he says as he pulls me down onto my back. He's now hovering over me.

"Have you ever been able to?" I tease.

Peeta chuckles against my neck as he kisses it. I'm feeling strangely confident and brazen.

"Ah, feeling bold aren't we? Well, I love you and I don't care who knows."

He kisses me on the nose.

"I want to take out an ad in the paper."

On the lips.

"Put it on a t-shirt."

On the neck.

"I'm happy."

That last kiss resonates somewhere below and threatens to make me forget respectability.

"Mmmhhmm, I like the sound of that. What do you say we tell my mom and let everyone else figure it out? It'll be fun." I reach up and remove the T-shirt he's so modestly slept in for weeks. I know he hates it and I decide to relieve him of it. "I don't think you need this anymore."

"Whatever you say." He's nuzzling my earlobe now, causing a chain reaction that has my head all fuzzy. He pauses suddenly and takes a deep breath before speaking again.

"We'd better get some rest or our promise to keep it respectable might be broken." He picks up my hand and kisses the tips of my fingers.  _How am I supposed to resist him?_ We snuggle up together and fall asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Katniss stepped up. But, I also wanted Peeta to own the fact that he was less than direct about his feelings for her. He never really told her face-to-face. Being who our heroine is, this probably added to her confusion. But, I never saw Peeta as a total wimp as he's sometimes portrayed. I do think he can be protective of Katniss and hold her accountable at the same time. I do think Katniss has a softer side, she just needed to be introduced to it.


	13. Getting Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is about moving on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is inspired by Getting Better by The Beatles. The lyrics fit Peeta perfectly!

**Peeta's POV**

I awake slowly as the events of the previous night come into focus. I feel as if I'm floating up to the surface from some strange space between dream and reality. Katniss loves me! Eyes closed, I reach over to her just as I feel the weight of the bed shift downward.

"Hey, beautiful..." "Good morning, Peeta." _Not Katniss_. My eyes pop open. "Oh, shit! Mrs. Everdeen! I mean...I'm sorry. Ugh! You weren't supposed to..."

I look around for Katniss. Where is she? I give up and just place my head in my hands. Whatever fear I had of hiding my morning erection from Katniss suddenly disappears when I see her mother sitting there. Situation rectified! I take a deep breath and prepare to face the music. I look up and see her smiling at me.

"I'm so sorry. Nothing happened. I swear. Katniss didn't want to be alone last night so I stayed. I swear...uh...nothing happened...where's Katniss?" I'm out of breath from my confession.

"I don't know." Just then, Katniss walks out of the bathroom.

"Mom! I was just on my way to talk to you."

"Honey. I was just coming to see if you slept well last night. I didn't see you after the start of the party."

"I'm sorry, I didn't want you to find out like this. I asked Peeta to stay over."

She gets up and walks over to Katniss, taking her face into her hands.

"You're a grown woman, sweetheart. Quite the woman! You have been for some time now, thanks to me." I see the sorrow flit across Mrs. Everdeen's face. I know she regrets not taking better care of her daughters, and my heart goes out to her. She continues talking to Katniss. "This is your home and Peeta's welcome here as long as you welcome him."

I let out a breath. "I had no intention of being disrespectful, Mrs. Everdeen."

"Peeta, sweetie, any fool can see how much you two love each other. And to be perfectly honest, I'm liking the new Katniss. She's been walking on air since I arrived. I've NEVER seen her like this. EVER!" Katniss is blushing harder than I've ever seen. "My only guess is that you've had something to do with that. I know you love Katniss. And she loves you. And for that, I love you."

She gives Katniss a hug, and then walks over to my side of the bed and hugs me.

"It does my heart good to know someone is here taking care of her and looking out for her. Sae and Haymitch have been wonderful for her but there's nothing like having a love in your life. And it's about damn time! I'll...umm...let you get dressed." She excuses herself.

We stare at each other bewildered before the realization of last night is upon us once again. My mind is swimming in those soft grey pools staring back at me. Katniss loves me!

"Hey," she smiles. "Hey, beautiful. Come here." She climbs into bed with me and we start this new day, this new beginning with a kiss filled with promises and hope and love. She pulls away and runs her hand over my chest.

"You know, my dad used to say 'the more love is shared, the more it grows'. He was such a smart man. I wish I'd known the true meaning of those words a couple of years ago. Some things might have been different. We might have been together sooner. Maybe  _a lot_ of things would've been different. I wish I hadn't been so afraid and secretive about my feelings."

"None of that matters now, Katniss. Now is all that counts. I think things tend to happen as they're supposed to. It would've happened either way."

She looks at me as if she's searching for something. "You remind me of my dad, come to think of it. Knowing just the right thing to say. So giving and open. You both see the beauty in things. A few of the many reasons I love you."

I laugh. "Many? How many?" "Oh, I don't know. I'm working on a list. One day when I'm feeling really generous I'll let you read it."

How the hell did I get so lucky! I can't resist leaning in for another kiss. She smells like mint and her tongue is cottony soft.

"I love you, Katniss. And I'm hungry. We left the festival early and didn't get to eat."

"Okay, go home and change then come back. I'll attempt something remotely resembling breakfast."

She gives me a quick peck on the nose and I jump out of her bed. "I'll come back and help you."

She sneaks me downstairs and out the door. When we make it to the front porch, we share one last kiss before we hear a whistle from the direction of Haymitch's porch. I swear that man misses nothing! Katniss scowls at him and runs back inside. I head over to my place to face Greasy Sae.

When I walk in, she's got breakfast going and it smells awesome. She greets me with a toothy grin and a wink.

"Morning, Peeta! Hey, would you do me a favor when you get…uh…changed? Can you go back over and invite the Everdeen household to breakfast? I made enough for everyone."

"Sure, Sae" I say, hiding my blush. Well, the worst is not over. At the top of the stairs is Johanna, leaning on the wall with her hands on her hips and a mischievous grin on her face.

"Get up here, Mellark! I want details!"

"Go away, Jo. Don't ruin my mood." I'm bounding up the stairs, whistling and feeling like a million bucks. I move past her on the landing but stop in front of my bedroom door, blocking her way in.

"Tough shit!" She says in an almost-whisper. "Suck it up, buttercup! I want the scoop! You didn't sleep in your bed last night!"

"And...this would be your business...because...?" I lean against the door frame.

"Don't be coy. Remember my bedroom was right next door to yours at Annie's. I know whose name you called when you felt yourself up!" I hush her and pull her into my room to save Sae and Maya the agony of her lack of decorum.

"Johanna!" She's got that mischievous shit-stirring grin on her face.

"I also know you were a freackin' monk the entire time there. You've been back here for weeks spending the night with your beloved Mockingjay and you expect me to believe you didn't hit that?" "You disgust me, you know that?"

"I love you, too, Mellark. Look, I just want you to be happy..." I soften a bit. "...and get some."

I toss a pillow at her as she runs out of the room giggling. I don't know what it's like to have a sister. But if I had one, I'd want her to be like Johanna; just maybe a little less twisted.

I change and head over to invite Katniss, Annie and Mrs. Everdeen to breakfast. Annie, as usual, is clueless to anything the others are buzzing about this morning. Before heading back to my' place, I stop off at Haymitch's to invite him also. He usually doesn't eat unless someone feeds him. When he opens the door, he glares at me before moving aside. I step inside and inform him of breakfast. Of course, he agrees to come.

"So...anything you want to tell me?" "Nope." "Hmph! Fucking kids! I saw you leave her house this morning. How in the hell did you get past her mother?" "Well…I kinda didn't." "Just make sure you maintain your respect for Iris." If I didn't know better, I'd think I saw something in his eyes when mentioning Katniss' mom! Nah! Couldn't be!

"And... make sure you...you know...use something...a'ight! I don't think she could handle a baby. I don't need another setback on my hands like when you left."

"We're not kids, Haymitch. But, thanks for the advice just the same. Let's go eat."

" _Goddam kids! Gonna make me old before my time._ " He mumbled under his breath before grabbing me by my shoulder and spinning me around.  "Look, boy. She's absolutely 100% better. But that doesn't mean she can't have a setback. Are you committed to sticking around? I don't want another mess to clean up."

"Wait a minute! You've been pushing us together since I got back. And not that this is any of your business, but we're _not_ having sex."

"Yet!" he quips. He straightens his posture and says, "And, yes, I do think you two deserve each other and you deserve to be happy. Just...be...smart about it is all."

"We're taking our time. I love her. You know that! And I'm not taking any chances screwing this up."

It dawns on me what's happening here. He's become her father. Our father.

"Look, Haymitch. Katniss' loving me didn't come easy. I'm not letting her go again. I'm not going anywhere either. I'm only taking things as fast as she's willing to go. I promise I'll man-up from now on."

He nods at me solemnly and rubs me on the head. "I still think you're a good man, Peeta Mellark. She could do  _so_ much worse."

We head over to my place to have breakfast with the rest of the crew. Annie brings in the morning paper with an interesting expression playing around her face. Well, from what we see on the front page, we don't have to worry about how to tell our friends that we're together. Right on the first page there are pictures of Katniss and me. One shows a rather nice shot of our kiss on the dance floor at the festival. Another shows us leaving the festival holding hands. And there's a rather grainy one which shows us walking the road towards Victor's Village. The captions run the gamut:  _ **Star-Crossed Lovers Seek Alone**_   _ **Time Away from Crowds**_  to  _ **I Want You Back**_. The vacuous nature of the Capitol has not altered much since the rebellion.

This makes Katniss angry and she's immediately worried, and rightfully so, as there could be hidden cameras and listening devices stationed around our homes. They could've been placed there when the homes were built, to spy on Victors and feed news outlets, but never removed. With some coaxing from Haymitch and soothing from me, she calms down. He volunteers to help us sweep our homes immediately after our guests are gone. I assure her that if the cameras were anywhere near the village, they would've captured more than they did; like our front porch kiss. That wasn't in the photos. Neither was there one of us going into her house and not coming out.

* * *

**Katniss' POV**

Johanna, Peeta and I walk back to my place to hang out after breakfast. Since she's arrived, we've hardly had time to chat as all of our energy has been focused on getting prepared for the festival. Now that it's over, I can truly settle down and spend time with my friends. Peeta has volunteered to watch Little Finn and Maya at his place while my mom and Annie go tour the district, so he doesn't plan to stay very long. I feel just a twinge of doubt creep up when I see just how natural he is with the kids. Peeta was born to be someone's father! How is it that he falls for a girl that wants anything but to be a mother?!

Johanna walks into my place and plops herself down on my sofa.

"So tell me. What's this..between you two?"  

She's still got the Jo smirk, but with a touch of seriousness as her hands gesture between Peeta and I. Peeta speaks up of course. I feel no motivation nor need to explain our relationship to anyone, even those close to us. I guess that's where he and I are so different. I see it as our business and everyone will just figure it out. But, he's so eloquent and can answer the most annoying questions.

"There's nothing different, except we love each other.  We just decided to do something about it."

"Shit, news flash! Everyone knew except you two! So does this mean we'll be seeing little blond killers running around anytime soon?"

Leave it to Johanna to say the most inappropriate thing at any given moment.

"We're taking it one day at a time, Jo." It's me who speaks up this time.

"I just want you two to know…all seriousness…I'm happy for you." She has this wistful look on her face and her eyes mist over just a bit.

"In this stupid, fucked up world it's nice to know that love does win out. The good guys  _can_  finish first sometimes. I'm happy for you. And if there's ever anything I can do for you, like, I don't know, kick someone's ass or take somebody out, just call me. I love you guys."

Moments like these don't happen often where Johanna and I are concerned. Neither of us likes to be too sentimental. I grab her for a big hug and Peeta wraps his arms around us both. Johanna finally has enough of the sentimental stuff and pushes us away.

"Okay, now get off me! Starting to look like a threesome here. Which, by the way…"

"Jo, you're sick! Really." Peeta barks and chuckles at the same time.

"I'm just saying." She quips.

Peeta announces that he has to go report for babysitting duty. He gives me a look and reaches his hand out to take mine. I walk him to the front door and he envelopes me in a warm hug. I realize that we've only been together for a few hours and I miss his touch already.

Johanna looks on unashamedly as he leans in for a long kiss. "I'll see you later, okay. If you can get rid of your friend over there, come by and help me babysit."

"Okay. See you later. Bye."

When I turn around, Jo is looking at me quizzically.

"You do know what you have there, Everdeen, right?"

"What do you mean?" I know what she means. I'm just always interested in what will come out of her mouth.

"Mellark. He's one of the solid ones. Not many left like him. I got to see just how strong he is mentally when we were captured. Tough son-of-a-bitch! And the whole time he was at Annie's, I swear I don't think he thought about another woman."

"Hmph. Not even Delly?"

"No, she did all the thinking in that scenario. It's always been you, brainless. I don't understand it, but it always _has_ been you."

I smile to myself when I hear this. At the same time I feel guilty for being so happy. How dare I be this happy when Johanna clearly, I'm learning, would love to be in love as well.

As if she's reading my mind, she asks, "So, tell me about Gale. Can I find happiness with your sloppy seconds?"

"Gale and I have never had anything, Jo. We were friends. We learned to hunt and survive together after our fathers died. For a while there, it seemed like us being together just made sense. Then Peeta came along and relying on him and trusting in him just became natural. But, Gale's a good guy. He's very solid."

"That's good to know."

"Really? Details!"

"Well first of all, he's _damn_ gorgeous!"

"Well, there's that."

"Secondly, he's so  _passionate_." My eyebrows shoot up.  _Already_? Johanna just gives me a smirk. It's then I realize just how well she and Gale will probably complement each other.

"Thirdly, he's hung like a…"

Before she can finish I cut her off with my hand over her mouth.

"TMI, Jo! Ugh! He's like my brother! I don't need to know this shit."

She's doubled over in laughter and I'm rolling on the floor. I can't contain myself. I will never look at Gale Hawthorne the same again. After we recover from our giggle-fit, she speaks again.

"No, I'm just yanking your chain. Nothing happened…yet. I just wanted to see if you'd get jealous." I nod, relieved and she sobers a bit.   "Katniss, I know that you still have issues with Gale. Just know that he never meant to hurt Prim. I think it's the biggest regret of his life. It's changed him a lot."

"Wow, you guys got pretty deep." I feel a slight twinge of jealousy since I would normally be the one Gale would be sharing these things with, even if it were about some other woman. But, all that's changed now. Gale and I have gone our separate ways and are still chilled on the friendship front. I share everything with Peeta. I trust him totally.

"Well, I'll be going out to District 2 for a visit during their renaming in about a month."

"That's wonderful, Jo!" At the same time that I'm happy for Johanna, I can't help but feel that now I'll be stuck with Gale if he and Johanna end up together for any length of time. I value my friendship with her, but don't want to start having to avoid her because of Gale, whom I haven't totally made my peace with. There's a flurry of emotions pouring through me right now: loss, sorrow, regret, jealousy, happiness, euphoria. And I miss Peeta!

That evening, he has dinner at my house with me, mom, Annie and Little Finn. Johanna is spending the evening with Gale's family. It's clear that Peeta and mom have a rapport from the time she helped care for him in District 13. Peeta eats his dinner with Finn poised on his lap. Annie gushes over us, saying how happy she is we're taking this step.

"Finnick would be happy. We'll miss you Peeta. Finn certainly will. But, you belong here with Katniss."

We offer clear to the table and wash the dishes. Annie excuses herself to put Finn down for the night. My mom also excuses herself to go prepare for bed, leaving me and Peeta alone. It surprises me how calming his presence is for me. At the start of dinner, I was a little nervous. It seems that we're moving into doing couple things that I'm just not accustomed to. But, when we're alone, all of that just washes away.

Before he can ask what his next move should be, I say, "Please stay." Climbing these stairs has become a routine that I've begun to count on. If my mom had felt uncomfortable with it, I might've toughed it out and sent him home. But, I see no reason to do that. We go through our ritual of him showering first, and then me before climbing into bed.

Since everyone's scheduled to leave in the next couple of days, Sae has organized a farewell dinner for what she calls her Victors and Veterans. She's so proud of all the sacrifices made in the war effort and is showing her love and appreciation in her favorite way: by feeding everyone around her. Of course, our crew will never complain about being fed!

I tell Peeta, "Sae invited Hazelle and her kids before she knew that Gale would be here. I'm pretty sure he'll come tomorrow. Are you okay with that? "

"The question is are you okay with it? I know how you feel about what happened with Prim. For the record, I think it was completely unintentional. I'm fine with it if you are. I know he loved you at some point and probably still does, but I don't hate the guy. And there's no sense in ostracizing Hazelle and her kids because of that."

"I'm sure he'll want to see Johanna again, also. It should be fine." I kiss him good-night, hoping that I'm right. Something tells me that Peeta is just trying to be the bigger man for my sake.

* * *

Sae spends all the next day cooking. Of course, this keeps Peeta busy as he feels compelled to help her out in the kitchen. Between that and keeping tabs on the bakery rebuilding, I don't expect to have too much alone time with him until everyone leaves and all the excitement dies down.

We are all to report to Peeta's house at five o'clock sharp in the evening for a casual buffet style barbeque. Everyone is there: Peeta, Sae, Haymitch, my mother, Annie, Johanna, Gale, Hazelle, Rory, Vick, Posy, Maya, and Little Finn. Sae has made some of the best delicacies that District 12 has to offer. There's plenty of wine and beer, as well as homemade ice cream, melon balls and her famous berry cobbler.

When Gale's family arrives, it's a bit awkward. Hazelle and I reconnected when we both moved back home, but the subject of Gale was one we stayed away from. We haven't really spoken since everyone's been in town, with the exception of just before the Phoenix Festival. But, our time together has been limited for lots of other reasons. Everyone seems on edge to see how we're going to interact. Peeta, of course, is gracious beyond fault. Everyone is eyeing Peeta and me. At least it feels that way. I'm watching him closely, making sure I don't miss any signs of a flashback. Being in close vicinity with me and Gale at the same time just might be a trigger. Just to be safe, I want to spot one before it happens.

He moves so effortlessly from one conversation to the next. I admire him and the ease with which he engages people. One more thing to add to my list when I get the chance, I think. I've never been one to show affection publicly, but I feel drawn to him no matter where we are. I want him to know that I'm near and I want the world to know that he's mine. By now, everyone, except for Gale and his family, probably knows that we're together.

Everyone seems relaxed and happy, forming little conversational groups. Haymitch, Vick and Rory get into a competitive game of corn-hole while Posy and Maya compete for Little Finn's affections. But, I notice that although Peeta's engaging in conversation, he's still a little guarded. Gale's siblings look at me shyly as if to see that our old relationship is intact. Later in the evening, Posy corners me.

"Katniss, is Peeta like your boyfriend?"

"Well, I guess so, Posy."

She seems to think this over for a very long time, a very familiar crease forming between her brows, making her cute little face look far too serious.

"I like Peeta. He used to give me free cookies. Do you think he'll still give me free cookies?"

I smile at her and move her dark, sweaty bangs out of her eyes. "Of course he will, Posy. Peeta's a really nice guy and he likes you."

"Are you going to marry him?"

"Well…I…haven't really thought about it." I'm blushing and losing my composure in front of a 9-year old.

"Well, if you don't, can I?" I laugh so hard everyone looks in our direction.

"Posy, it's a deal. But, can you wait…oh…10 years before you stake your claim?"

She reaches her little hand out to me for a shake, "It's a deal!"

Gale comes over and stands in front of us.

"Two of my favorite girls. What ya doin', squirt?" he asks Posy.

"I just told Katniss that if she doesn't marry Peeta, that I will!"

Gale searches my face for answers that I don't have right now. I do what I do best and avoid the situation.

"I have to go get the potato salad out of the fridge for Sae. Be right back guys." I feel Gale's eyes boring into my back as I head towards the kitchen door.

On the way in, I catch Peeta's eye and send him a silent message to join me in the kitchen. He follows me in. As soon as the doors swing closed, we move in for a long overdue kiss. He smells so warm and sweet. I lay my head on his chest and breathe his smell in, thankful once again that I get to feel his heartbeat. As much as I love my friends and family, I can't wait until our guests leave so that we can spend more time together and begin whatever this is that we've started.

He looks into my eyes as he tucks a piece of stray hair behind my ear. "Hey. How are you?"

"I'm having fun, but missing you." He gives me that wide, disarming smile that I love. His hands are rubbing my back and it feels wonderful.

"So, what were you and Posy talking about?" I giggle as I recall our conversation.

"Well, seems like you may have a pending marriage proposal in about 10 years."

He laughs heartily. "Really? Aw, that's cute. Well, just tell her she'll have to stand in line behind…someone else."

This normally would make me very uncomfortable and feel like running, but it doesn't. Instead, I move in for another kiss, speaking with my actions. I don't know if I'm ready for marriage, and I don't try to decide if I am or not in this moment. I draw on what Dr. Aurelius told me. I don't have to be ready for marriage to enjoy being in love with Peeta. Just as our kiss is ending, the kitchen door swings open. It's Gale.

"I'm sorry, guys. I didn't know you were in here."  _Liar, I think. I saw you watching us when we came in._

Peeta pulls me in closer in a subtle possessive move that makes my heart flutter. I move away from him, mostly to get away from the awkwardness and head towards the refrigerator.

I feel rather than hear Peeta's breath start to quicken as I reach the fridge. I spin around just in time to see his pupils dilate…his fists clench.

"You…and him. You planned this." Peeta says between clenched teeth. Gale is dumb-founded.

"Planned what?" he asks.

"You followed her in here, not expecting me to be here. Didn't you?"

"Peeta, it's me Katniss."

"Shut up! I saw you signal to him! You're trying to get rid of me." He turns toward me, his eyes rimmed with red.

"Hey, don't tell her to shut up!" Gale tries to intervene but he's only irritating the situation.

"Shut up, Gale! I got this! Peeta, I know you're in there. You know I love you. Gale is just a…a friend. Don't believe what they told you. It was all lies. We love each other…you and me."

Gale looks at me in disbelief and then back to Peeta. "What the hell are you talking about, Mellark?"

"Gale, I said be quiet!" I move slowly towards Peeta, approaching him where he can see me. His fists are clenched and his eyes are piercing at Gale.

"Peeta, can you hear me?" He shakes his head from side-to-side as if he's trying to rid himself of something. I'm close enough to touch him. I weigh my options, waiting a few more seconds before I finally reach out and rub his arm. I can feel the muscle there tense and vibrate like he's holding on for dear life! My heart goes out to him at that moment to imagine the demons he must be fighting to keep from ripping this kitchen apart. As I rub his forearm I feel it start to relax, so I move in closer. Gale is watching all of this in awe.

I continue to rub his arm, moving in closer so that I'm facing him. When the grip of the flashback is finally loosened, Peeta slumps forward onto me.

"Katniss! I'm so sorry." He grabs me into a hug and holds on. Gale is still speechless.

"It's okay. I'm fine. Nothing happened."

"Like hell, nothing happened!" Gale is looking rather pissed off and runs his fingers through his hair, his eyes flashing.

"Katniss, you said he was better." I shoot him a look that I hope chokes the next words out of him.

"He is better, Gale. Do you have any idea what they put him through? It's a wonder he's alive! Besides, what business is it of yours?"

"I just don't want you to get hu…" Before Gale finishes his sentence, Peeta has moved me behind him and is advancing towards Gale.

"I don't need to speak through Katniss. You can deal directly with me, Hawthorne. What's your question?" Peeta's eyes are on fire, but not like when he's having an episode. This is real-time, Real Peeta anger showing. His breathing is still sketchy from the flashback and the look on Gale's face says that he doesn't want to mess with him.

Gale stops and takes a deep breath before going on. He locks eyes with Peeta, who's nowhere near backing down.

"I just don't want her to get hurt. No matter how long she chooses to be angry with me, I still care what happens to her. That's all."

"Well, let me put your mind at ease. I would never have come back here if I thought for a minute I would hurt her. I love Katniss. I have her best interest in mind in everything I do. Can you say the same?" Peeta stays locked on him, driving his point home. I move forward to take his arm, but he doesn't budge.

At that moment, Johanna bursts into the kitchen.

"What the hell's going on here?" Awkwardness ensues as she looks from Gale to Peeta to me.

I look at her beseechingly. "I'll explain later, Jo. Gale, it's fine. Please go with Johanna. Come on, Peeta."

I pull Peeta upstairs to his bedroom and close the door. We lock ourselves in a warm embrace and block out the world for about five minutes before even speaking.

"I'm sorry that happened."

"I'm sorry you have to go through this. If seeing Gale around me is too hard, we can avoid it."

"No, Katniss, I have to face it. They really did a number on me with the visions of you and him together. I'm so sorry. I have to keep convincing myself that it's me you want and not him."

I grab his face and pull him down to look at me. I give him a soft, wet soul stirring kiss, meant to convey my feelings to him but succeed in stirring up something deep in my core that I wasn't prepared for.

"Does that convince you?" He's looking at me through hooded eyes draped by those long, blonde lashes.

"I don't know. I'm a slow learner." He pulls me into him by way of the belt loops on my jeans.

We make it over to his bed without breaking our kiss and sit alongside it. Before long, we're reclining and Peeta is hovering over me, deeply searching my mouth with his tongue. After a few minutes, we pull apart, breathless and red-faced.

He's the first to speak. "We'd…ummm…better get back downstairs."

"Yeah, we'd better." He kisses me on the tip of my nose. We check each other's faces for obvious signs of making out. Before we head downstairs, Peeta stops me.

"So, when did you and Gale discuss me?" I was hoping he'd missed that comment.

"He was waiting for me in the woods one day. We talked about Prim…and you. Look, Peeta there's never been anything between me and Gale except friendship. I don't have those kinds of feelings for him."

"Maybe not, but it's clear he has them for you. I trust you, Katniss. Him…not so much."

"You can trust Gale. As angry as I am with him, I know he's not devious or underhanded. He wouldn't violate any sacred trust. I just think he was a little shocked. Besides, I think he really likes Johanna."

Peeta raises one eyebrow and smirks. "Lord, help him!"

Haymitch eyes us suspiciously when we come back outside. Peeta still seems reserved during the rest of time, so I hold his hand throughout. He occasionally throws soft  _'thank you'_  smiles my way.  _How I love this man!_

Johanna and Gale huddle off to the side most of the time, talking quietly, sometimes laughing or smiling. At one point, Gale looks up and smiles at us. I can only guess that Jo told him how remarkable it is that Peeta is able to hold his own after what they went through at the Capitol. I hope she told him that Peeta caught the brunt of the torture because of me. I hope they discussed how most of us are probably alive because of his televised, cryptic warning to us; the one for which he took a brutal beating.

When things wrap up, Peeta and I head to my house. In a few short days, this has become an unspoken thing between us. We're no longer sleeping together because we need each other to ward off bad dreams. We're doing it because we want to.

Before we drift off, he says, "Now marks 48 hours."

"Of what?"

"Of being your man."

My heart does a loop-da-loop.  _What have I done to deserve him?_

"You know just what to say to make a girl weak in the knees."


	14. Strawberry Wine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things get a little hawt!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 14 is inspired by Strawberry Wine by Deana Carter

**Peeta's POV**

Katniss' mom is scheduled to leave on the afternoon train today. She's been gone for a little over a week and is anxious to get back to her job at the hospital. She and I sit on Katniss' back porch waiting until time to go to the station, just chatting. Annie, Finn and Johanna left yesterday on a morning train, promising to visit more often. We have a nice view of the mountains in the distance from the backs of our houses. One of the many perks the Capitol, in its infinite humanity, bestowed upon Game Victors. Mrs. Everdeen is staring thoughtfully into the distance when she speaks.

"Peeta, I want you to know that I…I…didn't mean to abandon her. " I look at her, unsure how to respond to this. She continues.

"It's just that after her father died, I lost all sense of the present. I kept living in the past. My mind wanted to will things to be the way they used to be instead of looking at how they were at the time. And because of it, I didn't take good care of my girls." She pauses like she's trying to gather her thoughts.

"I know about what you did with the bread. You need to know what that meant to us. It saved us. It saved her. She took over after that. I've never got to say this but, thank you!"

She pauses, takes my hand and looks at me; I let her continue without interrupting.

"Losing Prim nearly broke me. What saved me was serving all those people who needed healing. If I didn't have that, I don't think I could've continued living. I let so much time go without checking on her or visiting because I was a complete mess! The only thing that kept me going was work. When I finally woke up and realized what I was doing, so much time had passed. I thought she was angry with me. Then when I called her, I knew that I couldn't let her slip away from me again. I asked to come visit on the spot."

I smile at her. "She's happy you came."

"Katniss is so much stronger than I am. But, she does have my tendencies. I saw a glimpse of it when she thought we'd lost you to the Capitol. She'd hide away in closets, any place she could be alone. She was on suicide watch. She was…almost…catatonic. But, she's found her way back to you and I couldn't be happier! What I'm trying to say is you give her purpose. Don't stop."

"Mrs. Everdeen, I…"

"Please, call me Iris."

"Okay, Iris. I've been in love with Katniss since kindergarten. My dad pointed you guys out to me on the first day of school and I was hooked. Getting reaped was both the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. The only reason I left here a year ago was because I thought she didn't want anything to do with me and that my being around was making things worse. The day she said she loved me was the best day of my life. I'm here to stay. I'm not going anywhere."

"If you ever need to talk, please call me. Promise."

"Okay." I tell her. "I will. I promise."

"Katniss' confinement to the district, excuse me, New Phoenix, should be up in a couple years. You guys need to come visit me. Until then, I promise I'll come here at least once a year."

"I know that Katniss would like that."

"Thanks, Peeta. For saving my family. For saving Katniss. For everything."

I give her a big hug as Katniss walks out onto the back porch.

"Can't a girl turn her back for a couple of minutes? Oh, mom. It's you." Katniss is laughing and I'm stunned because Katniss does not joke around.

Iris wipes away a couple of tears before saying, "I was just telling Peeta good-bye. It's almost time to leave for the train, honey." She touches Katniss on her face and says "I'm going to miss you, but I think you're in good hands. I'll go up and get my bags."

When she's out of earshot, I pull Katniss in for a long kiss, "You heard the woman, you're in good hands."

She smiles. "What were you guys talking about?"

"Our favorite person." She rolls her eyes, Katniss style.

"Yeah, she and I had a long talk this morning. I think I'm finally starting to forgive her."

"She loves you, Katniss. She just holds everything inside."

"Hhmmm. Sounds familiar." She says. I keep my mouth shut.

When Iris comes back down, we walk to the train station. I carry her bags while she and Katniss hold hands. When we arrive, Gale's family is at the station to see him off on the same train to District 2. He turns and waves to our little group tentatively before boarding the train. His mother, Hazelle, gives us a smile and a wave but leaves us to say our good-byes in private.

"Hey, guys! I just happen to be down here and thought I'd come over and wish Iris farewell." I turn to see none other than Haymitch. Something tells me he's lying. Haymitch doesn't venture out too much unless he's going to a council meeting or to buy liquor. He doesn't just hang out in town. He turns to Iris.

"It was certainly nice getting to know you, Iris. Will you be visiting again soon?"

"Perhaps, Haymitch." Iris says coyly.

"Well, if I'm ever in District 2, I'll be sure and drop in on you." Then he takes her hand, leans over and gives it a kiss. I nearly lose it when Katniss makes a silent gagging motion with her finger. But, the funny part is, her mom seems to like it! She's blushing!

"Take care, Haymitch. And you two, take care of each other. I love you." She gives us a kiss, boards the train and she's gone, waving to us from her window seat.

As the train pulls off, Rory approaches Katniss to give her something. For a moment, I have my guard up, preparing for just about anything.

"Gale said to give you this after he left. Bye, Katniss." He runs off after the rest of his family.

"Thanks, Rory." She looks at me with raised eyebrows. When she shows me what he's written, I relax a little bit. Trusting Gale is something that will have to come with time. It reads:

_Dear Catnip,_

_I hope you don't mind me calling you that again. I just want to apologize for the way I acted a couple days ago. I didn't mean to cast any shadows on your new found happiness. It's clear to me that what you and Peeta have is much stronger than anything the Capitol did to you guys. He loves you. Let him. Take care._

_Gale_

We walk back to Victor's Village holding hands and drawing stares. I guess by now most everyone in New Phoenix has seen the headlines from the paper a couple days ago. As we approach our homes, we see Haymitch out front feeding his geese, having made it back already. Katniss runs to him as soon as he's in sight. "What the hell was that? You puttin' the make on my mom?!"

"I'm not putting the make on anybody, sweetheart. I can't help it if my animal magnetism is irresistible."

"You watch your mouth, old man!"

"In all seriousness, I think the world of your mother. She's beautiful, poised and smart, despite the fact that she gave birth to you." He turns away from us and walks inside his house, leaving Katniss standing there with her mouth open. I'm sure he can feel the scowl that's burning a hole in his back.

Katniss looks at me in disbelief. "That's it. I can't take anymore! I'm exhausted! How about you?"

"Our friends wore me out this week." I move towards her, realizing we're alone for likely the first time since we revealed our feelings to each other. I reach out and bring her chin forward for a soft kiss. My heart skips a beat as her eyes flutter closed just before our lips meet. I pull away and grab the end of her braid, tugging on it playfully. There's a growing fire in my belly that I felt in the past when I allowed myself to think of Katniss in the most private of moments, my hand moving south to accommodate my flesh as I created images of her in my mind. Now that I'm faced with the real live woman, I need to be careful of my actions. I don't want to scare her away. But, all I can think about is placing my body next to hers. I switch gears.

"You hungry? Let's go see what we can find to eat."

We head inside and create a meal, partly from leftovers along with some new additions. Instead of eating inside, we sit on her back porch, eating, drinking strawberry wine and watching the sunset. Maya wanders over for a short time and plays with Katniss as I watch. When I see how easy she is with the little girl, I feel a slight tug at my heart. She's always maintained that she doesn't want children, and I understand why. I can't help but think 'what a shame'. Katniss is a natural caregiver, provider. She'd be a wonderful mother. I switch my thoughts before they get too carried away.

* * *

Later that night, we head up for our bedtime ritual. Once we're both showered, we sit side-by-side with our backs against the headboard, holding hands and ignoring the obvious sexual tension in the air. The last thing I want Katniss to think is that I'm ready to pounce on her the minute everyone is out of her house. She means more to me than that. We said we'd take things slow, but let them happen naturally. We spend this time getting reacquainted and talking about everything that's happened since the reaping.

Katniss is holding my hand with her head leaned against my shoulder when she asks,

"Peeta, do you always sleep with your prosthetic on?" I wasn't expecting that.

"Um, actually, no I don't."

"Well, you always wear it when you're here. Why?"

I don't know how to respond to this without offending her. I also realize that since we are officially a couple, I need to stop trying to hide certain feelings. I'd rather be honest about how I feel and work it out with her than to skirt the issue. So, I man-up.

"Well, I can do most things with it on. I can get it wet, so bathing and swimming aren't an issue. But, there are times I just need to give it a break. But, I haven't taken it off around you because…frankly, Katniss…I don't feel whole sometimes. I want to be as close to normal as possible when I'm with you. If you have a nightmare and dash for the door, I don't want to be fumbling for my leg when you need me. I want you to be able to rely on me. I want you to feel like you're with a real man. Is that weird?"

I was so busy with my monologue, I didn't notice that there were tears pooling in her eyes. I feel like shit all of a sudden!

"Peeta…I don't know a bigger man than you. Give me some credit.". She furiously wipes away a tear.

"'m sorry. I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't handle it." I take her arm, which she tries weakly to pull back, and tug her towards me.  "Come here."

I kiss her an apology; she places her hand on my cheek. "It's okay." What she does next shocks the hell out of me. Before I can recover fully from the kiss, she scoots down towards my feet and raises my pant leg.

"Katniss…"

"Can I touch it?" After just a moment's hesitation, I relax.

"Sure." She examines my leg, feeling the artificial material, lifting the leg of my pajamas all the way to the knee.

"How does this work? I want to know." Something about the way she looks at me and the way she's doing this and the attention and curiosity she's showing is strangely intimate. No one has ever cared to ask me these questions or to even look closely at it. Not even my own family did when I came back from the 74th Games. Not even my own mother.

"Here let me show you." I show her how to work the pneumatics of the leg and how to remove it. It's quite advanced technology. "And this is how you remove it."

I remove the leg completely, feeling exposed and vulnerable…but loved, and place it on the floor beside the bed. She begins stroking the stump of my natural leg, examining it. "Does it ever hurt?"

"Yeah, after a long day it can give me some trouble, but probably no more than a real leg would give you after being on your feet all day. On those days, I remove it and soak in a warm bath."

"I'll have to remember that…to massage it for you sometimes…run your bath for you."

She looks up at me with wet eyes. She's lovingly stroking my leg still and starts to whisper, "Such sacrifice. Another reason why I love you."

Then she leans down and kisses my leg; a butterfly kiss. Barely felt by the skin, but leaving a lasting impression on the heart! That's when being a man goes out the window and I feel tears on my cheek. She looks up at me, her face wet. I pull her up towards me and we collapse in an embrace so tight and desperate, I swear our souls touch. We drift off to sleep holding onto each other for dear life.

Life resumes with the rebuilding taking center stage. Katniss and I started sharing a bed a couple of weeks before the festival. I recently started using her kitchen since Sae has taken over mine to try out new dishes for a diner she's opening in town. Since I've been gone a while, rebuilding the Mellark name is imperative if I'm going to reopen the bakery and be successful. Eventually, all of my equipment finds its way over to her place. Between sharing our nights and using her kitchen during the day, I practically live at her place when I'm not at the bakery site.

Before long, we develop our own joint routines. We continue showering and bathing separately before bed. Katniss gathers; I cook. She organizes; I decorate. I bake cheese buns; Katniss eats them. During the day, I attend to the bakery rebuilding, bake and paint. Katniss continues to serve on the town council, gather and grow her herbs. We take walks through town together. Occassionally, I join her in the woods or she joins me at the bakery. The flashbacks caused by her being at the bakery site are getting better now that they are predictable.

Nighttime is a whole new challenge. Kisses are passionate, yet guarded. The fire between us is so combustible that I think it scares us both a little. My hands are finding new places to roam when we kiss, searching out bare skin in favor of the all too familiar pajamas. My dreams have shifted into the kind that drive me out of the bed in the middle of the night and into the bathroom to satisfy my situation while Katniss sleeps.

* * *

The lazy afternoon sun is peaking over the rocks in the distance. She's lying next to me, drenched. It's  _hot_! At this hour I can't tell if we're covered in sweat or lake water; maybe some combination of both. Whatever it is has me feeling intoxicated. Being near Katniss at times reminds of what it feels like to be tipsy; the kind of tipsy that becomes full-blown drunk if you take so much as one more sip. It's an interesting feeling and she's my drink of choice.

She's lying next to me in a black two-piece as we actually wore swim wear to the lake this time. Since our guests have gone, we've spent practically every spare hour together. We know that summer will be drawing to an end soon so we take advantage of this day to get some swimming in. The festival is over now, so our schedules are a little less busy. But, with the continued rebuilding and influx of people, we expect an active autumn. She still helps out with the district mapping along with everything else she does. She's started a garden to augment the herbs, wild fruits and wild vegetables that she gathers. She even packages them, giving some away to merchants like Sae or families that need them. What she can't give away gets sold at the Hob and the proceeds are given to the local clinic. It's one of the many things I love about her. She always says she's selfish, but she's the least selfish person I know. It baffles me.

She has her eyes closed as her head rests on my arm. We're lying on our sides facing each other. I can feel the water seeping from her thick braid, creating a damp spot underneath us on the blanket. I just stare at her lazily, drinking in this moment. She looks so beautiful with her tan skin and a smattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose. Finally, her long eyelashes flutter open slowly and she adjusts to the light. The hazy way she looks at me is so damn sexy that I feel myself stir down below…just a little.

"Hey," she says in a husky whisper.

"Hey," I say just before I touch her face and lean in to kiss her. Our mouths move against each other for a slow, languid kiss to match the kind of day we've had. Neither of us wants to break this spell, but we've got to breathe eventually. Breathing's overrated.

I slowly lift up so that I'm hovering over her, continuing my exploratory kiss. Her tongue tastes sweet and I wonder if the rest of her tastes this good. I have half my body still on the ground for support with my top leg lying across her body. She has her hands snaked around my neck, guiding my entrance into her mouth. My hand slides across the soft, wet skin of her back, caressing her there before sliding down to her backside. When I pull back to take her in, she looks…well-kissed. Her lips are slightly puffy and eyes are half-closed in that sleepy bedroom way that drives me up the wall. Her hand is caressing my face as she pulls me down for another kiss, shifting our body weight so that I'm fully on top of her. There's nothing between us now except layers of thin, wet material and a lot of desire.

_What. Am I. Going. To Do?_

I take her bottom lip between mine and stroke it with my tongue as I support her head with my hands. She opens so we can deepen the kiss. My fingers relish the feel of her wet hair on their tips. She lets out a soft moan. I stop to gather my senses.  _I know I left them around here somewhere._  I place my forehead to hers and take a deep breath. I can feel my erection growing. We said we'd take things slowly, but this feels everything but slow!

"What's wrong?" she asks.

"Not a thing in the world. I love you."

"MmmmHmmm. And I love you." She kisses me again. I wish she'd stop that…Not really! "So…what's the matter?" she mumbles against my mouth. She continues to plant kisses around my mouth as I speak.

"It's just…if we don't stop…now, Katniss…your panties will be floating in the lake. And we have no protection. We said…mmmmm…" She sucks that tender spot on my neck that she discovered a few nights ago.

"…we'd be…oh yeah…" She bites my ear and inhale sharply.

"…smart about this." Her lips are everywhere. My mouth. My chest. My jaw line and neck. She could open any lock on my armor with her mouth. I don't realize until it's too late, but I've started to thrust my hips against hers. She's thrusting back and it feels amazing! I pull away quickly.

"Peeta! What am I doing wrong?" She seems worried, embarrassed.

"Katniss,"  _Deep breath, Mellark_ , I tell myself.  _Think of dead puppies and pig slop_.  _Anything_!

"You're doing everything right! Please believe me." I motion to the situation that's lurking beneath my swim trunks.

"Well, isn't that just a natural reaction?" She looks up at me with those pleading eyes and I know I'm in trouble.

"Yes, babe, but so is  _everything_  that comes after that. Look…" I sit us both up and take her hand in mine and stare into her eyes; boner be damned.

"I've fantasized about this… about you...about us...a  _thousand_  different ways. Ever since I was old enough to know what sex was, I've always pictured myself with you and no one else. I've never been with another girl, unless you count spin the bottle at the back of the bakery."

She chuckles. "Peeta, I've never been with anyone either. That's what makes this feel so natural and so right. And we're certainly old enough. We love each other. I trust you completely."

"I know you do. And that's why I want to make sure that this is something you want, not just in the moment, but for…a long, long time."

"I can't see myself with anyone else. Ever." My heart sings when she says this.

"My teenage fantasies have carried me a long way. I realize you started to feel this way about us  _long_  after I did. You're a really fast learner, by the way." I kiss her nose and continue.

"All jokes aside. I've waited a long time so a little longer is not going to kill me." Haymitch's words to me keep replaying in my head, " _Make sure you…you know…use something, a'ight! Wrap it up, boy!_ " and " _Make sure you maintain your respect for Iris._ " How can I tell the woman who entrusted her daughter's wellbeing to me that I've gotten her pregnant within weeks of starting our relationship?

"I don't want to have the cloud of an unplanned pregnancy hanging over our heads. I know how you feel about that and I respect it. As much as I love kids, I just want to enjoy you right now." She looks disappointed, and dammit, even that's sexy!

She finally speaks after looking away from me for far too long. "I guess I just wasn't thinking. I was just going with the moment. It felt so good! You kissing me and touching me." She turns back to look at me. "I'm sorry."

"Why in the world would you ever be sorry about a thing like that? Katniss, you have no idea how bad I want you." I lean in closer to her. "Sometimes at night...I have to leave the bed to...you know...take care of myself." She laughs and I feel better as my situation is slowly coming under control. I kiss the tip of her nose again.

"I guess, if that's the direction we want to go in, that I should visit the doctor. Is that what you want, Peeta?"

 _Is she kidding me?_  I nod vigorously.

She continues, "I mean, she could give me something just in case and we could still wait until we're ready. And we won't have to ruin the moment."

"In the meantime, it would help if you slept and swam in full-body armor." She laughs again. I love it when I can make her do that.

"Now, I've got to swim this off. You coming?"

"Of course. And, Peeta? Thanks for being the smart one."

"Just make sure you keep your distance, Everdeen!" I give her my best fake reproachful look before we race for the lake.

**Katniss' POV**

Peeta was right in insisting we not risk pregnancy by having unprotected sex. As much as I love him, I'm still not okay with the idea of bringing children into the world under any circumstances. I'm glad his cooler head prevailed and we decided to wait. It just adds one more thing to my I-Love-Peeta-Because list:  _he always has my best interest at heart_.

I visit Dr. Patin to talk over options for birth control right after our day at the lake. She shows me about a million and one different ways to avoid getting pregnant before I decide on the quarterly injection. There was one option for an annual injection, but I don't want to trust anything that stays in my body for that long. And taking a daily pill requires too much commitment. When she administers it, she tells me to wait a full 7 days before having unprotected sex.

"Okay, Katniss. It's 8:00 am right now. Just to be on the safe side, don't fudge your waiting period. On the morning of the 8th day, you're good to go for sure." She gives me a sly wink and wishes Peeta and me the best. I really like her! But, there's something oddly familiar about her, and I cannot put my finger on it.

In the meantime, Peeta and I enjoy lots of making out and petting. We decide not to take things too far, wanting to leave most of the newness to our first time. He immerses himself in baking and I continue to organize my place to accommodate all of the stuff he's carted over. Although the bakery is not nearly finished, he has already started providing baked goods to customers around town by using my kitchen, which is practically his now. He awakes early every day to fulfill orders, delivers them and then heads for the work site to check on progress and assist the crew. Another addition to the I-Love-Peeta-Because list:  _he's industrious_. No one would ever call that man lazy. I still spend my time gathering herbs and helping out with the mapping of the district. I've started my own herb garden in the back yard which Peeta helps me with on days he's not too terribly busy.

Getting used to the idea of being in love with him is nothing compared to what is happening to my body every time he's near me. His kisses make me weak and light-headed, sending vibrations through my body that causes a coil to wind up at my core. I find myself with slick moisture between my legs when I shower most days. A few times, I've touched myself during bath time, thinking of Peeta. I imagine his arms wound tight around me and his mouth all over me, seeking out places to taste. It doesn't hurt that he's absolutely gorgeous inside and out.

Sometimes Peeta will come sit and talk to me when I bathe in the evening. Taking long, hot bubble baths is one of the few girly things I've always enjoyed. I blame growing up without readily available hot water and limited access to long baths. Bathing was treated as an occasional necessity rather than a relaxing luxury. He usually brings in a cup of tea, hot chocolate, or the occasional glass of strawberry wine for the both of us depending on the kind of day we've had. I keep the lights off with only a few candles scattered about as he sits on a stool and chats. It's funny to watch his composure slip as my bubbles start to dissolve. He's such a gentleman, but I can see the desire growing in his eyes. It's getting harder and harder for me to lie next to him each night, giving him only chaste kisses. My legs want to wrap around him and pull him in. My skin wants the feel of his hands on it with no barrier in between. We're both anticipating the day that we can freely share our bodies and express our love in every way possible. Until then, it's taking all my strength to not seduce the hell out of him!

**Peeta's POV**

She comes from the bathroom, freshly bathed, wearing her usual bedtime attire: a tank top and sleep shorts. Her hair is in its signature braid and her skin looks warm and supple. I'm seated on the bed with my back against the headboard, my sketch pad in my lap. She walks over to the side of the bed to take a peek, but I close it before she can see anything.

"An artist never reveals his creation too soon. Come here." She moves in for our favorite way to end the night: she straddles me for a long passionate kiss. She says it keeps the nightmares away. I say she just wants to drive me crazy.

I hastily remove the sketchpad from my lap, tossing it onto the nightstand. She smells so good, like fresh green wood and mint leaves. As she moves in for our nightly kiss, I reach out to undo her braid before she takes my mouth.

"You never wear your hair like this. Why? It's so beautiful."

"Keeps it from getting tangled and caught up when I'm working, especially in the woods. It's an old hunting habit, really. I've never had the luxury to think about what to do with my hair…other than braid it."

"I like it both ways actually. But, this is so sexy." I reach up and sink my fingers into her hair and massage her scalp, then run my fingers down the length of it to her waist.

"Mmmmmm. My mom used to do that for me and Prim back before…when things were different, I mean. But, this somehow feels  _so_  much better."

She gives me this smile I've never seen before. Her eyes are half-closed and fluttering. Her face and body are relaxed. Her breathing matches the pace of my fingers and her voice takes on this husky quality. She pulls in closer, wrapping her arms around my neck and allowing me more access to stroke her hair, shoulders and back. She scoots her hips closer to mine before taking my mouth onto hers.

The kiss is sweet but with an added dash of slow deliberation. Her tongue seeks out my bottom lip, seductively running softly and sweetly along its skin. I open up to take her all in. If there's anything we're experienced at, it's kissing. We've kissed a hundred different ways in a hundred different places. At the Lake. On the Sofa. Sitting. Standing. Reclining. Straddling. But, none of them has held the promise of what's to come like this one. We're locked into each other, my hand running from her head to her backside. She's got her arms wrapped around my neck up to her elbows. Our mouths melt into each other exploring the secret passageways, peaks and valleys within. I'm doing just fine until Katniss starts to move her hips back and forth. My mind is reeling with the possibilities of this. I'm just about to protest, since we've decided to wait until birth control is no longer an issue, when she reaches back for one of my hands and places it on her breast.

"Katniss." My words are slurring against her mouth. "No. Baby, we can't take chances."

"You can't get me pregnant by rubbing my breast, Peeta" I have to chuckle into our kiss. That is, until she leans in and sucks the skin in the crook of my neck, sending tremors through my body.

"I know that, but one thing leads to another and the next thing you know… " She gives me this sigh of exasperation that's somewhere between pathetic and extremely sexy.

"I need to feel you, Peeta! I love you. I love kissing you. It's hard to lie beside you each night and want to give you more of me…have more of you." Her voice lowers an octave. She gives me another kiss that curls my toes.  _Damn_! I break away breathlessly before I'm a complete goner.

"Believe me, I'd love nothing more." I return a wet kiss on her mouth before continuing. "I want our first time to be special. I've wanted you for as long as I can remember. Believe me, I can't wait to pour myself into you."

I lean my forehead against hers and try to steady myself. Instead of dousing her fire, that last statement brings back that hooded, sexy stare that I'm growing more powerless to defend myself against. She kisses me again, rocking her hips against me. The kiss deepens and I let out a rather embarrassing, squeaky sounding moan against her lips. I try to speak between kisses and lashing tongues, but she's not letting up. I have no power against this woman. I can't deny her anything.

I grab hold of her hips and flip us over in a hormone-induced impulse so that I'm hovering over her. We continue kissing and touching each other in places that march us dangerously close to throwing caution to the wind. My curiosity finally gets the best of me. I want this but don't want to push too fast.

"Katniss…have you ever…um…touched yourself?" I ask her as I pull away, poised somewhere between pure lust and complete nervousness.

I wonder for a second if she even knows what I mean. Then I see the shift in her eyes when she looks at me with bewilderment and an expression somewhere between fear and curiosity. I stroke her hair and look into her eyes.

"It's okay. It's just us. You can tell me. Or…or not." I watch as she relaxes a bit more and her cheeks redden.

"Why?" She looks at me, somewhat embarrassed.

I kiss her cheek. "I want to know what makes you feel good."

She hesitates for a second. "Well…sometimes."

"Can you show me how?"

I feel her stiffen and start to retreat just a fraction. "It's just me, Katniss. This is only for you and me. No one else. You can trust me. I love you. We don't have to do anything you don't want to."

The look in her eyes softens as she realizes the power in this moment. Her lips are puffy and red from so much kissing. Her hair has fallen slightly over her eyes, making her look so innocent yet sexy at the same time. I'm a goner. There's no turning back now. I kiss her some more and become a little bolder as I stroke the bare skin on her stomach just beneath her tank top. As my hand travels upward, I can feel the underside of her bra. I let my fingers linger there for a while, tracing soft lines along the crease where it meets her chest. Her breathing quickens and becomes shallower. We resume our kisses and she arches her back to get closer to me.

She breathlessly pulls away. "Okay." I pull away and look at her to be sure I heard her. She nods and gives me a soft smile before repeating, "Okay."

I weigh out quickly what this will mean before responding. "Just trust me."

We continue to kiss and breathe each other in. I trace wet, sloppy strokes down the side of her jaw to her neck and shoulders. She places my hand on her breast. When I squeeze she lets out this little whimper that makes me shudder. My hand slides down until it finds the hem of her tank top again, seeking out her soft skin. I slide a couple of fingers underneath to feel the softness nestling there. I make circles with the tips of my fingers on her side and lower back. This is rewarded with a little gasp. Each reaction from her is spurring me on to continue. I slide my entire hand underneath her shirt, caressing her back and making soft circles near her spine. She writhes against me. Just when we think the kisses can get no deeper, we surprise ourselves. We are writhing into each other so much that I can feel the heated moisture between our bodies and on our clothing.

Taking things one step further, I move my hands to her front, keeping contact with her skin, and caress her breasts and stomach. She likes this, so I continue. The reaction is mesmerizing. I stroke her breasts before looking into her eyes, looking for permission to remove her tank. She nods breathlessly. I remove the thin layer of fabric keeping our upper bodies apart from each other. I can't help but stare at her.

"Can I see you?"

She reaches around before I can and undoes the clasp on her bra. I pull it forward and toss it to the side and stare in awe at the perfect roundness of her breasts. Nothing I've dreamt of can live up to this. She leans up to continue our kissing. The feel of her bare breasts on my chest threatens to send me over the edge. I pepper feverish kisses all over her shoulders and throat before leaning down and taking one of her breasts into my mouth for the first time. I gently nip and suck her soft mounds, tracing my tongue over their nipples. She grabs a hand full of my hair to hold me in place, not that she needed to.

"Oh, Peeta!" she screams out as I devour her, switching from one breast to the other. I keep my cool, but barely.

I've dreamt of moments like this my whole life. Knowing that I have this kind of effect on Katniss is nothing short of mind-blowing. I'm hoping this is the first of many times I make her whisper my name in pleasure. She thrusts her hips forward, locking my erect manhood between our bodies, and begins to writhe around with newfound vigor. It isn't exactly sex, but it's closer than anything I've ever had. I slide one of my hands lower to hold onto her hips. Her skin tastes so good. I move my tongue away from her nipple and suck softly on the underside between her nipple and her ribcage. Her breasts aren't large, but they are beautiful and perfectly shaped. I lean lower and slowly place kisses down her ribcage onto her stomach, using my hands to lift her up to meet my lips.

I stop at the waistband of her shorts, wanting her to be sure she wants to continue. I look up to see her nod with eyes so smoldering she could warm the district. I grasp her shorts and move them down past her hips to her ankles. They join the other clothing on the floor. I'm not sure what else to do at this point. Her pale pink panties are staring me in the face with a pool of moisture at their center. I can just make out the outline of her sex beneath the thin fabric. I want to lean down and kiss her, she's so beautiful. But, I don't want to scare her away this first time. My older brothers' were as perverted as most teenage boys. Their habits provided me with constant access to dirty magazines, videos and tales of their escapades with local girls. There are definitely things I want to try with Katniss, but I'm not sure what she'll think.

I whisper, "Slide your panties off." She looks down at me breathlessly, gazing into my eyes, unsure. She looks scared, but nods her approval again, probably unable to speak.

"Trust me." I tell her.

She removes her underwear and I see of the gates of heaven.  _Oh my God, she's even beautiful down there!_  It takes all the power I have within me to not mount her right here and now. But, a promise is a promise. Man of steel, that's what I have to be.

"Damn, you're beautiful all over. Show me what feels good."

She hesitates only slightly before she slides her hands between her legs and begins caressing her folds and working the soft bundle of nerves.

"Like this," she whispers. I'm poised between her legs leaning back on my knees, watching as I let out a shaky breath so loud and long, it's almost embarrassing. She opens her legs wider as the feeling deepens. My hands are on her thighs and I'm mesmerized at what I'm seeing. Her head is thrown back and her eyes are closed as she moans softly. Driven by passion, I lower myself for better access to kiss the insides of her thighs. This is too beautiful to not participate.

Finally I ask, "Can I touch you?"

She responds with an enthusiastic 'yes' that's part scream and part whisper. I begin to work my fingers alongside hers. She starts moaning and whimpering, making her more vulnerable than I've ever seen her. Knowing that she's this way with only me opens up a part of my heart that I didn't know existed. The more I discover about her, the more my love for her grows. I want her so badly! But, I want this to be about her.

I work my fingers up and down, making soft circles around the little bundle of nerves in the middle. Katniss has removed her fingers and given me full control. She is slick and coated with her own essence. Emboldened by this, I slip my finger inside her and work it in and out. The feeling of her insides on my hand makes me convulse and my erection grow to an uncomfortable state. She's gripping my shoulders and bucking her hips back and forth in rhythm with my hand. I eventually slip another finger in, curling them forward to heighten the feeling and it inspires another gasp from her. She's moaning softly and riding my fingers. She's so damn beautiful looking down at me with her eyes flashing and her skin flushed!

"I love you." I tell her.

"I love you more."

I kiss the inside of her thigh and say "Not a chance. Not possible." I decide right then to take a chance on doing something that I've fantasized about a hundred times.

My erection is throbbing but I continue my kisses down her thighs. I softly drag my lips lower, letting my tongue peek through along the way. I pour all of my desire for her into those sloppy, wet kisses. I nibble on the skin of her hips while I caress them. Finally I do something that makes Katniss pause. I remove my fingers and rest my hands on her thighs, holding them apart gently as I transfer my kisses across her hips and to the insides of her thighs and, finally, lower to her valley. She grips the sheets by her sides with her hands.

"Peeta, what are you…what are you doing…?"

Before she can protest, I plant a soft kiss on the outside of her folds and let my tongue poke through slightly. She lets out another gasp. I return and kiss her there again, letting my tongue glide over the silkiness that's collected there. The sound she lets out comes as a shock at first. Her hips buck forward and her thighs shake nervously. I pray that I'm doing this right as I'm driven by blind passion and nothing else.

"Peeta…"

She gazes down at me with those eyes as I continue my quest, kissing her in her most vulnerable place; licking the nerve center that drives the most heavenly sounds from her mouth. I want to make her completely mine, body and soul. I slide my tongue in and out of her heaven and gently suck on the little bundle in the middle, same as I would if I were kissing her mouth.

Her folds are slick with juices that I can't seem to get enough of. She throws her head back and releases a sound I've never heard before, let alone  _caused_. Her hands grip the sheets alongside her hips again. When it looks like she can't take it anymore, I plunge my tongue into her soft flesh again. She's extremely wet and her essence is sweet. I remove my tongue and slowly slide one finger into her, moving it back and forth. Then I add another, continuing to kiss her passionately at the little sensitive spot, sliding my tongue in circles, around and up and down. It's not long before I feel her walls contract against my fingers and she lets out a long, shaky groan that comes from somewhere deep inside. She raises her hips off the bed so high, I'd have been knocked off were it not for her holding onto my hair.

"Ahhhh, Peeta!"

I continue until I feel her begin to relax, then remove myself from between her legs. I move up next to her, feeling the light sheen of perspiration covering her body. She's glistening and glowing, her tan skin looking radiant, scars and all. Her chest rises and falls rapidly to match her breath. I kiss her breasts one final time before pulling her close to me to calm her down.

She buries her face in the crook of my neck and holds on tight. I can't help but smile at the knowledge that I made her feel this good; that I'm responsible for this euphoria. After a few minutes I hear a giggle.

"I can't believe we just did that. Where. Did. You. Learn this stuff?"

"Well, let's just say that Bing and Barley were a constant and eager source of sexual information."

"Are you sure you've never…" She looks at me with the slightest disbelief. Her voice trails off as if she doesn't want to ask as she lowers her head back to my chest. I already know what she's getting at.

"I swear. Never. You're the first. For everything." I place my hand under her chin to make her look at me. "I just wanted to make you feel good, so I followed my instincts…and a few helpful videos."

"And that you did," she says with a giggle. "I've never felt anything like that. Now I see what all the fuss is about. That was amazing." She gets quiet again and starts tracing circles along my stomach. "Tell me, Peeta. How does someone as handsome and nice as you go all these years and never had the opportunity to do this with someone else?"

"Well, there were opportunities, I guess you could say. But, I wasn't interested in anyone else. Besides, I was too young. After the reaping my life went haywire, so there was no need."

She looks at me sheepishly and a tad bit insecure. "What about when you were in District 4? Didn't you date?"

I pull back and look at her with surprise. "No. I was a mess back then. And I missed you too much to give anyone a chance."

"Even Delly?"

"Especially Delly." I lean down and kiss her on her nose to seal the deal. "I wanted you to be my first. I always knew that."

"What would you have done if we never got together?"

"I don't know. I've never had a plan B." After she's convinced, I decide to go take care of a little something of my own in the bathroom.

"Now, if you'll excuse me," I tell her.

She grabs my arm, "Where do you think you're going?"

I look down at my pajama pants, tented with my horny erection and stained with not only her juices, but mine also.

"Got a little situation I need to take care of. I'll be right back."

"By yourself?"

I give her my best smirk. "I think I got this, Katniss. I've had a lot of practice."

"Well, why don't you let me help…help you feel good…the same way you did for me."

I hesitate. "I enjoyed doing that for you. It's okay. Really."

"Peeta Mellark, get back in this bed." She whispers as she lifts the covers for me to climb in. She's completely naked and smells like fresh sex. I'm in so much trouble!

"Katniss…" She's not budging and I know this is a fight I will not win. "…on one condition. I will do a lot better keeping my promise if you put your clothes back on. Just a precaution. Can you do that?"

She jumps up and puts her underwear and pajamas back on. She crawls back into the bed.

"There."

I take a deep breath and remove my pajama bottoms and begin to climb into bed.

"Hold it right there," she says seductively.

She crawls over the bed on her hands and knees towards me and whispers in my ear, "Slide your boxers off."

"You can use my own words against me anytime." She helps me slide my boxers off, deliberately, slowly while I kiss her longingly.

We climb back into bed with her on top of me, kissing me as I stroke her arms, hips, and backside.  _She has such a nice ass!_

It doesn't take long for the passion and intensity to build again. Katniss begins to descend in her kisses, caressing my neck and shoulders with her mouth. I don't lose it until she gets to my stomach. She's nibbling softly with her teeth and running her soft tongue across my torso. That's when I nearly exit my skin! My erection flexes upward, striking her in her chin. She giggles.

"Peeta, I've never done this before. And I didn't have pictures or videos to show me anything. Can you show me what makes you feel good?" She says this in the most husky, seductive voice.

Am I dreaming? As much as I would welcome this, I don't want her to feel obligated.

"Come up here. I want you next to me," I tell her.

She slides up next to me and removes her top. Just when I'm about to protest, she hushes me with a kiss and places my hand on her breast.

"This will feel more realistic for you."  _My Katniss. Always thinking of the little things!_

I take her hand and place it over my erection, then place my hand over hers.

"Like this." We stroke up and down my length for a little while, me showing her how to hold it and get the rhythm. I let go and pull her in for a kiss. The feeling is incredible! Having Katniss here next to me giving me pleasure that I normally have to give to myself is more than I'd hoped for.

She continues stroking me as I kiss any part of her body I can reach. I move my hips forward to stay in sync with her hand that is small, but soft and strong. I imagine what it will feel like to be inside her when the time comes. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff when she leans up and takes one of my nipples into her mouth, mimicking what I did earlier. When she pulls up, she presses her bare breasts to my chest, and that's when I lose it.

"Kat…Katniss!" My body lurches forward as juices spill down over her hand. She doesn't stop her caresses, but coos into my ear as she continues to drive me over the edge.

"Peeta, I love you. I can't wait to make love to you. I can't wait to feel you inside me."

Another round of fluid spurts forth.

"Ahhhh! Katniss, I love you…so damn much!"

* * *


	15. Lovesong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Lovesong. Originally recorded by The Cure. Re-recorded by Adele.

**Katniss' POV**

  I kiss him gently as he comes down from the euphoria. I blush thinking about what I just did. Did that really just happen? Peeta's staring into my eyes, his breathing slowing to a normal pace. I lean up and kiss him on the neck.

  
"Sorry. Kinda made a mess," he tells me.   I giggle.

"I enjoyed making you feel good." We lie there just holding each other for a while when I notice that we're a little...sticky.

"I suppose we should...go wash up or something."

 We head to the bathroom together. I'm still topless. Peeta's naked. We've reached a milestone. He leads me to the sink where he stands behind me and turns on the water, stealing glances at my naked chest in the mirror. I motion towards the shower.

 "I kinda need to wash all over. I've got you all over me," I say. He smiles shyly. 

"Okay, I'll wait for you in the bed..." He turns to leave but I grab his hand.

 "No. Shower with me."

 His eyes light up at the idea of this. But, he seems a little unsure. How far we've come from a few weeks ago when we were afraid to even mention our 'almost-kiss'!

  
"I promise...strictly business," I tell him.

  
We step into the steamy shower, him standing behind me. He grabs the soap and spreads it onto his hands and rubs some onto mine. He places our hands under the warm stream and works the soap into a lather. The feeling of our hands rubbing together, slippery and wet, is so intimate. He kisses my neck from behind and spreads the lather all over my chest and shoulders.

  
"How's that? This okay?" 

"Mmmm...I can't keep my promise if you're going to behave like that, Peeta." I can feel his desire growing once again, poking me along my hip.

  
"Pay no attention to that guy down there. He has a mind of his own. I'm just enjoying being here with you."

  
I turn to face him over my shoulder as he plants a soft kiss on my lips. I turn around for a longer, deeper kiss. Seconds into it, our hands are everywhere, slick with steam and soap, searching out the hills and valleys we can't wait to explore further. Before I know it, Peeta has reached down and lifted my right leg at the knee, causing it to encircle his hip. I know the danger in this but make no move to stop him. I don't want to stop. I am not the reliable one in this situation. Our kiss continues to deepen as he starts to thrust little tiny circles with his hips. I can feel him sliding along my wet stomach. I want more than anything to wrap both my legs around him and invite him in. Before I can act on this, he stops himself. Why do I keep doing this to him? The shower was my idea, after all. We pull away, breath hitching, and stare at each other through the film of steam rising between us.

  
"Do you need...to...um...release again?" I ask him. He gives me a sheepish look.

 "Sorry. It's just that this has been building up for a long time. Having you here with me...like this...probably doesn't help. I can take care of this. I'll...meet you back in the bedroom..."

  
"Shhhh." I stop his words with my finger and kiss him before I begin my descent, taking a pit stop to slide my tongue along his stomach. I don't know exactly what I'm doing, but I remember enough girl locker room talk to get me through. Besides, he's desperate and inexperienced. Maybe he won't notice if I'm not that good at it.

  
Peeta is not small. I've seen enough naked male bodies on my mother's kitchen table to know this. I've come this far and refuse to let him down, so I take a deep breath. I angle him toward my mouth and look up just in time to see his eyes widen in shock.

  
"Katniss! You don't have to do that." He places his hand under my chin to stop me.

 "I want to, Peeta." I take him in again before he can protest further.

  
It's a little weird at first. It reminds me of those times I stuffed too much into my mouth and almost choked. But, his skin is slick and sweet. I begin to work my tongue and follow my instincts, sometimes kissing and sometimes sucking. When Peeta gently places his hands in my hair and caresses my scalp, I know I'm doing something right. I continue with his encouraging moans and soft touches. He's stroking my cheek and that somehow encourages me more. Knowing that I'm bringing him pleasure is such a high for me, something I didn't anticipate. He starts to moan and I see that his head is thrown back. I want to smile but know that will ruin the rhythm we have. He's calling my name over and over again like a song and telling me that he loves me. After a few minutes, he jerks slightly.

  
"Katniss! I'm...close!" He removes himself from my mouth and strokes his length a couple of times before the white liquid comes forth. I'm still on my knees, watching...fascinated by what the human body can do. He lets out a guttural cry as he empties himself. He stands me up, pulling me into a tight, warm hug. I can feel his rapid heartbeat and he's swaying ever so slightly. Mission accomplished.

  
"That was…wow! I'm dizzy! That was…amazing."   

I turn my face to giggle into his ear, "I'm glad you liked it."

 "The nicest thing anyone's ever done for me." 

I lean back and look at him with raised eyebrows, "Well, I should hope so!" 

He chuckles and kisses the tip of my nose. Leave it to Peeta to diffuse all awkwardness with humor! We dry up and head back to bed and snuggle up completely satisfied...for now. We both sleep later than usual the next morning.

  
**Peeta's POV**

  Our shyness with each other is slipping away each day. We used to awake next to each other in awkward positions and immediately become stiff as boards once we realized what we were doing. There were times when she'd awake and realize she'd thrown one of her legs over my body, and nearly tumble out of bed trying to remove herself before I awoke...or at least before she thought I was awake. And, of course, I'd try to will myself to wake before she did so I could rid myself of my morning boner before she sensed it. None of that's an issue now. I actually think she likes it when I wake up hard. She thinks it's hilarious! And I certainly don't mind if she wants to throw her legs over my hips. I've always preferred to sleep in as little clothing as possible, so I've taken to just sleeping in boxers again. So far, we've kept our promise of being somewhat celibate.

  
We spend our days trying to avoid those tempting situations. Nighttime is extremely hard, but we're determined. We just make sure to wear ourselves out during the day so that all we want to do is sleep once night falls. This particular morning, we get dressed in comfortable jeans and t-shirts with plans to venture into town to check on the bakery and just spend the day together looking around. There's so much rebuilding and change going on that we practically have to go to town daily to stay on top of things. Katniss and I agree to split up and then meet again after her Council meeting and my visit to the bakery site to check on the progress and freshen my to-do list. I finish my business there and am standing outside talking to the crew, preparing to leave when I see Delly approaching the bakery. There's no place to run, so I stand fast to see what this could possibly be about.

  
"Hi, Peeta." 

"Hi, Delly. What's up?"

 "How have you been?"

 "Great! How about you?" She nods her head. 

"I've been doing okay, I guess. Where's Katniss?" _Here we go_ , I think. 

"She just went over to the Justice Building...be back any minute." She doesn't seem to be budging and the members of my crew have started to disperse with cautious looks on their faces. She just stands there looking at me.

"Look, is there something I can help you with? ...'Cause I need to get inside and finish something up."

  
"Well, yeah, there is. I was hoping you could maybe help me out. See, I've been granted ownership of the site where my parents' dress shop used to be and I thought maybe you could give me some advice on...you know...rebuilding...because of the work you did back in Four, you know...and with you rebuilding your family's bakery. I have no clue what I need to do."

  
I stand there unsure what I should do. _Is she being straight with me? I thought this was the whole reason she came back here. Is this a trap? How would Katniss feel about this?_

  
"Well, what kinds of questions do you have? I'm sure they can answer most of them at the Justice Building where all those transactions take place."

  
Just as those words are out of my mouth, I see Katniss walking in our direction. I'm looking at her over Delly's shoulder, hoping that Delly would just turn and walk away. When it registers to Katniss who I'm talking to, she hesitates slightly. I raise my hand and wave to her, giving her my brightest smile, to come on over. She scowls, but comes over anyway. I breathe a silent sigh of relief that she doesn't just run away. When Delly turns to see that it's Katniss, her expression tightens immediately.

  
As Katniss approaches, I reach out and put an arm around her shoulder and lean in for a kiss.

  
"Hey, babe. How'd your meeting go?" 

"Oh, the usual. Hi, Delly." Katniss tries her best at being hospitable, but I can hear the distrust in her voice. I guess this is what she feels like when she's faced with me and Gale. I get it now. 

"Hi, Katniss. How are you?" 

"Couldn't be better. And yourself?" She tightens her grip around my waist. My heart flutters.

 "Well, Peeta was just helping me figure out what to do with my parents' old dress shop. I can't decide if I want to sell it or open up a business."

  
 _Well, that's stretching the truth!_ Katniss looks at me with raised eyebrows. It occurs to me that I don't know Delly nearly as well as I thought I did. _Maybe this is just a game women play, but I've had enough. Time to flip the advantage_. I think quickly.

  
"Delly's right, babe. I told her we'd be glad to meet her for dinner one night and brief her on the process."

I continue turning to Delly. "You see, Katniss has started up her own business supplying herbs and produce to local vendors, the apothecary, even the town doctor. She'd have a lot of insight for you."

Delly's eyes flash as she gets what in trying to do. She raises her chin in the air and lets out a quick breath. "Well, when you love birds come up for air and can spare an evening, just let me know." She turns and stalks off, leaving Katniss confused and me fighting a fit of laughter I can hardly contain.

  
"What the hell was that all about?"

 "She just totally lied. I never offered her help. She _asked_ for help. I swear I think she's been waiting to catch me without you."

Katniss is still looking at me with a blank expression. She turns quickly and walks in the direction of Victor's Village.

  
"Katniss!" I catch up to her, grab her shoulders and spin her around. I'm met with that famous scowl. 

"Katniss, what's wrong? What did I do?" 

"You need to get your little friend under control! I hope you don't seriously think I'm going to have dinner with you and that...ugh...thing! What were you thinking?" 

"Babe, I have no intentions of us having dinner with her. Believe me, she does not want to have dinner with the _both_ of us. I only talked to her because she seemed to be coming from a good place. But, then she flipped on me as soon as you walked up. I thought it was funny. Please don't act like this."

 "Act like what?"

 "Well...jealous."

 "I'm not jealous, Peeta!"

 "Oh, yes you are." I lower my voice and move in closer to her. "And I think it's really sweet..." I kiss her on the forehead. She punches me in the arm. 

"...and sexy." I kiss her on the cheek. She sticks her tongue out at me, but her eyes have taken on that look she reserves only for me.

  
"Do that again. I dare you," I say. I'm so close to her, I can feel her breath. She sticks her tongue out at me again and I cover  her mouth with mine. Her arms, which had been folded tightly across her chest, slowly unravel to circle around my waist and pull me in. _Sweet heaven, I'm in love_!

We stand there in the middle of town locked in a long kiss. People are starting to look our way and slow down as they walk past. We finally pull away as I wonder how much of that whole exchange people actually saw. I lean in so only she can hear me.

  
"I'm yours, Katniss. All yours."  She's staring at me, wide-eyed, and breathing hard.   "Like it or not. Let's go get some lunch," I tell her. The scowl is eventually replaced by a smile. We head over to the new café, holding hands and spend the rest of the day touring New Phoenix.

  
**Katniss' POV**

I awake late, in bed alone wearing one of his t-shirts, and it smells like him. The pillow next to me is vacant and cold, its occupant long since risen. I'm not upset because of what I've gotten to know about Peeta. He's reliable and dedicated. If he tells someone he's going to do something, he does it. The owner of the local cafe asked if he'd prepare a large order of dinner rolls when we dropped in for lunch yesterday. Peeta jumped at the opportunity to rebuild the Mellark name in anticipation of opening his bakery. We prepared our own dinner that night rather than eating with Sae and Haymitch, opting to stretch out our alone time. The little spat we had in town was forgotten long before we sat down to dinner. Afterwards, we sat in bed drinking wine, holding each other, making out and just being together. We put ourselves to sleep with passionate kisses in all the right places.

  
When I awake, some of the euphoria is still lingering. If I feel this refreshed after a night of heavy petting with Peeta Mellark, what is sex going to be like?

_Sex? Sex!_

_What day is this?_

I roll over to my clock and look at the date. Today is the 8th day of our waiting for birth control to kick in. _I have to tell Peeta!_ I don't even think about putting on clothes and race downstairs. It occurs to me too late that I could run smack into Haymitch or Sae or Maya seated in the kitchen. I hear him whistling and clanging pots and pans. I'm spared. He's alone.

  
I walk downstairs and say, in my best, most ridiculous trying-to-be-sexy voice, "Morning, gorgeous."  
"Hey. I thought Gale was ' _gorgeous_ '."

  
He chuckles and only looks up briefly. Too busy to notice I'm only in a t-shirt. I hate when he mentions Gale, but I don't get side-tracked. I watch him as he stands at the kitchen island kneading the dough, wishing it was me he was kneading. He's wearing his signature outfit for baking: a plain white t-shirt, khakis and an apron. My breath quickens as I notice his back muscles moving and rippling under his shirt with every placement of his arms. I scan his body from head to toe, taking him all in. _Is he really mine?_ From his back, to his arms, to his ass and thighs, he's all man.  All mine! I think about his arms and his hands, strong enough to lift a 100-pound sack of flour or wield a knife against an enemy, yet gentle enough to form delicate breads and bring me pleasure. I sneak up behind him and press my body up against his. He startles for a second. _Does he even know what day this is?_

  
I answer him. "Well, he's Johanna's gorgeous. You're _my_ gorgeous."

  
I plant gentle yet suggestive kisses along the back of his shirt and wrap my arms around his waist, undoing the tie of his apron. I slip my hands under his t-shirt and massage the muscles of his stomach, deliberately pressing my breasts up against his back; hard meeting soft, igniting a fire in me that won't be easily put out. How bold have I become? Where did this come from, Katniss Everdeen? I've never felt the drive to be this way with anyone, or even fantasize about anyone except Peeta. Peeta slows and eventually stops what he's doing, taking in a long breath.

  
"Katniss? Baby…if you don't stop that, you're gonna have flour all over your back and I'll never finish this…order." 

"Too late. I've already started. Can't stop now." I whisper these words against his back as my fingers continue their way underneath his shirt, caressing his chest skin-to-skin.

  
I feel along the ripples of his abs as his stomach tightens. I caress the scar tissue there and think about all that he's sacrificed for me. All I want to do is to show him how much I love him, how sexy I find him and make him feel good. I want to show him that he's whole, not broken.  Another sharp breath in and he's grabbing my hands but can't seem to move them even with all of that strength he has. I raise his shirt to allow me to really kiss his back.

  
More scars are there, each one a legend to a life that I cherish more than anything. I kiss each and every scar, tracing my tongue lightly over his skin. Once I've had enough of this, I remove his shirt and apron altogether. He doesn't resist but simply raises his arms in compliance. I have time for one last kiss to his back before he whips around to face me and scoops me up off the floor. We're driven off pure instinct now.

  
I wrap my legs around his waist as he cups my backside, pulling me into him. Our lips crash into each other desperately, as if we've never kissed before and never will again. He takes three steps forward, never breaking our kiss, and leans me against the counter behind me. He deepens his kiss, causing me to become light-headed. I can't think anymore. I don't want to think. He breaks our kiss only to trail sloppy, wet grazes across my jaw and down my neck. He still has a firm grip on my ass, even with the support of the counter, caressing it like the softest of dough. His hands make their way underneath the shirt I'm wearing, which is practically up around my waist. He then grips my hips and hooks his thumbs into the waistband of my panties.

  
Then my Peeta does something that leaves my thighs shaking. He rocks his hips in tiny little circles against my center, sending me the final message: _To hell with that order. I want you_. The control in this game has flipped. I no longer want him, I _need_ him! And the need is overwhelming my emotions and guiding my hands and my mouth without forethought as to what I think might feel good. I just know! I instinctively know!

  
When his lips have reached the limits of the t-shirt, he releases my hips and lifts it up over my head and tosses it aside. I'm not wearing a bra, so my panties are all that stand between me and a shirtless Peeta. His hands move to gently cup my breasts as he plants a soft, breathless kiss on my mouth. Softness soon gives way to more desperation as he repeats his trail of kisses, this time unencumbered by the fabric that was there before. When he takes my nipples into his mouth, alternating between the two, and makes tiny circles with his tongue, I nearly pass out. I feel that coil within my core tighten as I have so many times before, in the cave, on the beach, the nights since the lake. I throw my head back and link my fingers through his hair, wanting to hold him there. I feel one tiny tear escape my left eye. I have never felt so consumed by my love for any human being as I do for Peeta right now in this moment. As scary as it seems, there is nothing that can stop what's about to happen. I don't want to stop it. If loving Peeta means feeling like I'm always about to step off a cliff, then he's my parachute.

  
He finally breaks away, breathless, leans his forehead against mine and looks at me with those incredible eyes and says, "You don't know what you do to me."

  
"If it's anything like what you do to me, we're in trouble." I continue, "Don't you know what day this is?" 

He looks at me with questioning now mixed with lust. I tell him, "It's day 8, baby."

  
He quickly reattaches himself to my hips and whisks me around, our foreheads still connected and my legs still around his waist. We're heading for the stairs.

  
When we reach the bedroom, Peeta kicks the door open gently with his foot and sets me down on my feet. There's so much love in his eyes right now, it makes me weak.  He takes my face in his hands and plants feathery light kisses all over, keeping one hand wrapped around my waist. We pull back to take each other in. We know we're crossing a bridge that could change our relationship forever.

  
And it's clear we both welcome that change. I realize how long this has been in the making. Peeta and I started our lives out on meandering paths that would lead to each other over and over again. I no longer wonder, I _know_ what we have is meant to be. His father loved my mother and that started the beginning of our lives intersecting, before we were even born. Nearly 10 years ago, when we were both 11 years old, he tossed me that bread and saved the lives of every living member of my family. Five years later we were both reaped for the Games. No coincidence! Our paths have intersected, diverged and crossed again, over and over until we finally arrive here. Now, the crossroads are to be forever conjoined. And I'm ecstatic! My heart is pounding so hard, I can feel it in my throat. The old panic is back, but the fire still burns as bright as it did downstairs. The fire wins out.

  
"You're so beautiful, Katniss!" He kisses me again. "I'm sorry for acting so desperate downstairs."

 "Why on earth…would you be…sorry…about a thing like that?" I mumble against his skin as I kiss along his chest. "We've waited a long time for this."

He kisses me deeply and long. "I want us to take our time and do this right. Even if it takes all day."

That thought makes me gasp! "Whatever you say, Mr. Mellark."

  
Peeta's lips are on mine again as he walks me backwards towards my…our bed. When the backs of my knees hit the bed, I halt for a moment and begin to undo his pants. He's running his hands lightly along the sides of my arms. My hands are shaking and I'm taking way too long to undo a simple zipper. Peeta reaches his hands down to help still mine. He always has a calming effect on me. His pants drop to the floor and he kicks them to the side. There we stand, wearing only our undergarments, on the brink of a new discovery.

  
"Peeta, I love you. But, I have no idea what I'm doing." 

"Neither do I, babe. But I think we'll figure it out just fine."

 I reach up to place my arms around his neck and kiss the underside of his jaw. I trail my tongue along his skin, eliciting a sharp intake of breath from him. He smells both sweet and manly all at the same time. His hands run lightly up and down my rib cage, letting his thumbs ghost over my breasts. The effect this has on my body leaves me light headed.

  
He drops his hands to my waist and pulls me in for a deeper kiss, desperation threatening to take over once again. I slowly move backwards onto the bed, not wanting to break our kiss too soon. Peeta leans me back onto the covers and hovers over me using his elbows for support. We look at each other and do this smiling-giggly thing.

  
**Peeta's POV**

  "I love you so much. And you love me. Real?" I ask her. 

She tells me, "Real! More than you'll ever know."

  
I kiss her softly. I can never get enough of kissing Katniss. Her lips are puffy and pink as evidence. The thing I love is that she never seems to tire of it. No matter how many times I've kissed her in a given day, she always receives me openly and seems to relish in it! 

  
Her skin is so soft and sugary against my tongue. I know she was initially shy about her scars when I first saw her naked. But, she doesn't hide from me today. I want her to know that I think she's beautiful just the way she is. I make sure she can see the lust in my eyes whenever I look at her. But, loving Katniss, for me has never been about the physical. That just happens to be a bonus, because she is indeed beautiful.  I love who she is and how she sacrifices for those she loves. I love her sense of duty and loyalty, as well as her passion. She loves few, but she loves fiercely. Her love is a hard-won privilege that I will never take for granted or screw with. I just wish I could've told my 16-year old self these things. But, the reward has been worth the wait.

  
The need to please her drives me to do things I've only dreamt about; things that I learned as a curious boy under the influence of my two perverted older brothers. Today, I'm thankful for them. At the time they thought they were torturing me with my choice to remain a virgin by showing me what I was missing. But, their form of good-natured teasing has helped prepare me for what to expect. It's not like I can talk to Haymitch about this. I'll have to figure this out on my own.

  
I know she trusts me, and that gives me confidence. We've explored each other's bodies in anticipation for this day. Otherwise, I'd be scared to death. I take my kisses from her lips to the hollow of her neck. That makes her moan softly. I slide my lips along the side of her neck, letting my tongue taste her. The soft nips and suckles are rewarded by her melting into me; her fingers intertwined in my hair and her breathy whimpers threaten to make me come before I start. But, I steel myself. This is our moment and I want it to be memorable.

  
When I reach her breasts, I lightly suck on one while attending to the other by stroking it with my fingers, careful not to let my desperation get the best of me. She arches her back into me, throwing her legs around my hips. I can feel the heat coming from her heavenly place like steam off a hot lake. She begins to rock back and forth, rubbing up against me and driving me crazy. If it feels this good with underwear on, I'm not going to last long.

  
I reach my hand between us to feel her wetness. I begin my descent, kissing her stomach and hips and thighs as I slide her underwear off. I move even lower to her new favorite place for me to kiss, sliding one finger into her just to feel what awaits me. Her thighs shake ever so slightly and a long, soft moan whispers from her mouth.

  
 _Oh, fuck!_ I think, hoping I didn't say that out loud.

  
I keep my fingers inside her as I kiss her along her folds. I want this to be as pleasurable for her as possible, and I'm not sure how long I will last once I feel her on me. She's so wet and tastes so sweet, I almost finish with my face between her thighs. Her thighs begin to shake and I feel her convulse around my fingers as she comes.

  
"Peeta...please...make love to me."  
I remove my own underwear quickly and awkwardly.

  
When I climb on top of her, I can feel a light sheen of sweat on her body. The sun is peeking through the curtains on her window, letting just enough light in. She's glistening and stunning. I lean down and kiss her forehead, moving the damp hair back from her sexy eyes hooded with desire for me, of all people! I kiss her mouth softly and lean my forehead onto hers.  I close my eyes briefly and position myself at her center.

"I love you...so much. Just know that." 

"Always" she says.

  
I let myself into her part of the way. Just this little bit threatens to derail the composure I'm fighting so hard for. I have fantasized about this moment so many different ways in my dreams; with sexy Katniss, sweet Katniss, and aggressive Katniss. But nothing can live up to what I'm feeling right now.

  
She lets out a sharp gasp as I reach her barrier. I back out slowly, not wanting to hurt her but wanting so badly to bury myself inside her wetness. My arms are shaking from nervousness. I slowly return and there's no gasp this time. But, she is trembling. I back out again slowly and return again with a little more force. I feel her barrier peel back as she adjusts to me. She sucks in a breath and holds it, and I know she's being strong for me. I remain still to let her get used to the feeling of me inside her. After some time, she gives me the nod that says it's okay to move. And I so need to move!

  
I start with a slow steady rhythm and wait for Katniss to respond to it. It doesn't take long before she's moving with me, our hips meeting over and over again. She feels incredible! She's holding onto my shoulders and our mouths slide against each other, muffling moans through hot kisses. Our bodies fit perfectly together. Her sweetness wraps around and envelopes my shaft, making me feel strong and whole. I let out a long moan filled with released anticipation of finally being this way with her.

  
"Katniss!" I can barely form coherent sentences. "So good...you feel...inside."  
"It's okay, Peeta. We'll do this again and again..." I release myself into her.

  
The rest is pure bliss. We fumble with the newness, being the first time for both of us. There are new sensations to get used to and a dawning awareness of what our bodies can do. Some if it is awkward, but one thing is for certain. It's fueled by love. We reach this milestone in our lives just like we've done everything else. Together.

  
**Katniss' POV**

The pleasure and joy are so intense, that I feel tears escape my eyes. As he brushes my hair back he sees the tears and kisses them away, asking "What's wrong? Are you ok? Should I stop?"

  
"Please don't! I'll die if you do. I'm just so happy, Peeta."  I haven't felt this much joy at any other time in my life.

  
We continue to make love, fueled by desire, love and curiosity. For the next 24 hours, we remain inside, caught up in a cycle of making love, bathing, eating, making out and starting all over again. We explore new things about each other we'd only dreamt of. Our bodies seem to fit together perfectly. Our hands seem to sense just where to go and what feels right. Love, we discover, has a certain instinct. I know I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make this man happy. The possibilities excite me.  
We don't get a visit or so much as a phone call from Haymitch or Sae for the entire day. Maya doesn't come over for her daily visit. This is rare. It's as if they know and want to give us this time. As awkward as it is, I think it's very sweet of them. When all our energy is finally spent, we decide we should rejoin the land of the living.

  
Peeta rises earlier than I want him to the next day. It seems the order for the dinner rolls was completely forgotten and the dough had to be redone. We share a secret smile as we try to come up with a game plan to address the late delivery.

  
"I feel bad for making you miss your delivery."

  
"Well, that makes one of us. I'm sure it'll be fine. I'll just explain to him what happened. He'll understand." He looks at me with this devilish grin and one eyebrow cocked.

  
"You'll do no such thing, Peeta!" We're seated at the counter in my kitchen snacking on the remnants of our hasty breakfast.

"Why don't you just tell him you got sick?"

  
"Yeah, love sick." He pulls me off my stool for a passionate kiss and caresses my behind. This is quickly becoming one of my favorite gestures. Before we know it, the heat between us is rising again. I pull away reluctantly and stroke his cheek.

  
"Save some for later, Mellark." He gives me this pouty look that almost makes me give in. "Why don't I help you finish up this order?"

  
" _You_? And exactly what part do you plan to do?" He looks at me incredulously because he knows I suck at baking.

"Excuse me! I'm going to box the rolls up for you. Duh! Do you want my help or should I go hang out with Haymitch?"

  
"Anything to keep you near me. Come on. Let's get started."

  
We make our delivery and rush back home for another glorious evening alone.

  
**Peeta's POV**

  
The work on the bakery is coming along steadily, with most of the construction being finished. What's left is basically outfitting and furnishing the place. We're about one month away from full completion and the grand opening I'm planning. I want a warm, inviting feel to the downstairs storefront, so there's a sandwich counter where we'll serve a short menu of lunchtime meals. We'll have the full line of cakes and treats that the old Mellark's Bakery had. I've taken care to include all of my dad's specialties and old Mellark recipes that have been handed down for generations. The one most special to me is the same loaf that I threw to Katniss the day I discovered her huddled under the tree outside; that has a special place on the menu. As a tribute to Rue and Thresh, I've included the signature loaf from their district, the one they sent to Katniss in the arena. And cheese buns are, of course, on the menu as well. We'll have a full line of gourmet wedding, birthday and special occasion cakes to choose from; decorated by yours truly. And there will be cookies and other treats for the kids.

  
The kitchen area is completely state-of-the-art with huge ovens, a prep area that could accommodate 10 bakers easily, and an efficient cleaning area. Upstairs is an open lounge for employees that can someday double as a place to hold art lessons for a small group of about 5 people. There's a store room and a completely equipped private apartment, though small, for a store manager if I should someday have to hire one. The closer it gets to opening day, the more excited I become! I know my dad would be proud of me. My mother would be, too, in her own way.

  
Katniss comes to visit the bakery site occasionally at my request. I'm still prone to episodes when she visits me there, though they're not violent and seem to be decreasing in frequency and intensity with each visit. The more our relationship grows, the harder it is for my hijacked mind to gain control of my thoughts and convince me that she murdered my family. She always feels bad afterwards, but recognizes why I'm subjecting myself to this. It's just another reason why I love and appreciate her, as this can't be easy on her either. But, she never complains.

  
Dr. Aurelius has prescribed a new medication that is helping me to manage this hurdle in my treatment. I want absolutely nothing standing in the way of her feeling comfortable with me. The entire work crew has been briefed on what these episodes are triggered by and what they look like. They've been instructed to stop at nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, if they think for one minute that she's in danger. She doesn't like it, but I think it's necessary. So far, no one has had to intervene in a flashback.

  
I left my hometown over a year ago thinking all of my dreams were dead; killed by the Capitol. Things are much different now. The civil war of Panem is over and the country is rebuilding with a new regime. I'm rebuilding my family's legacy. My condition, though not cured, is better. And, the beautiful, fearless, passionate love of my life loves me back. I'd do anything for her and her for me. I don't know what I've done to deserve all of this.

  
My dad once told me that if you pour your heart and soul into a woman, you'll get it returned tenfold. It's taken a while for us to reach this point, but I'm prepared to pour all of myself into this relationship with Katniss. I want to be as completely whole for her as I possibly can. She's my best friend, my lover, my co-Victor, my biggest ally…my soul mate.


	16. The Only Exception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which K & P grow and learn more about love from their own perspectives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Paramore's 'The Only Exception' is particularly fitting for this chapter!

 

 

 

**When I was younger I saw my daddy cry**

**and curse at the wind.**

**He broke his own heart and I watched**   
**as he tried to reassemble it.**   
**And my momma swore**   
**that she would never let herself forget.**   
**And that was the day that I promised**   
**I'd never sing of love if it does not exist.**   
**But darling,**   
**You are the only exception.**   
**And I've always lived like this**   
**keeping a comfortable distance.**   
**And up until now I've sworn to myself**   
**that I'm content with loneliness.**   
**Because none of it was ever worth the risk.**   
**Well you are the only exception.**

  
**Peeta's POV**

**Weeks Later**

  
When I told the world how I felt about Katniss, most people assumed I was just some love-sick, horny kid who had a secret crush that went _way_ too far. I hated that feeling! I never wanted her pity or her gratitude. I wanted her love. No one gave me credit for being smart enough to know the difference. Except for Katniss. She knew what I wanted even when she wasn't able to give it to me. Her love is everything _but_ gratuitous. I know this. And now I have it.

  
My loving Katniss has not been easily definable. It's morphed and grown and changed over time. Admiration. Longing. Protectiveness. Desire. Jealousy. Frustration. Sacrifice. Fear. Relief. Annoyance. You name it. I've felt it. And when I feel, I paint. Dr. A taught me to paint away my pain, my anger, my frustration. I've painted some things that will never see the light of day. I had those burned and saw to it personally. They served their purpose. They were angry. Very angry. Filled with my tampered-with thoughts of her sneaking around with Gale, using me, pitying me, plotting my demise and killing my family.

  
Now…I'm learning to paint my love for her into the canvas. I've been working on one since the night of the Phoenix Festival that captures the very expression she had when she said she loved me. I'm almost finished with it. She's wearing that orange sundress. Her hair is blowing softly around her face and she's got one hand extended to me with a look of expectant longing on her face. I plan to give it to her the night of the bakery opening.

  
Katniss and I return from the bakery on one of the few days she has time away from her gardening and gathering to help me out. Her visits there are having much less of an effect on me these days. I feel comfortable enough to allow her to be there with just me. Her ability to talk me out of my seizures is just a testament to her bravery and demonstrates to me how much she loves me. She's helping me stock the storeroom and prepare the books for opening day. When we return to her house, we prepare a light dinner of sandwiches, strawberries, tea and popped corn, a Capitol delicacy that we're just discovering and can't get enough of.

  
"Peeta. When's the last time you painted?" she asks.

  
I freeze thinking she's discovered the painting I've been secretly working on.  
"Um, just the other day."

  
"I just haven't seen you paint as much since we've been together." She stops and turns to me after placing our plates on the table. "I don't want to be such a distraction that you give up the things you love."

  
"But, I've gained something to love," I say. She gives me a soft, sad smile.

  
"No, Peeta. Seriously. I know it was part of your therapy. Why don't you paint as much as you used to?"

  
I can't let her know that I've been painting in secret. But, I can't deny that I've slacked off a great deal also.

  
"Well, I'm never home long enough to be in my studio. I'm either here or at the bakery most of the time." Her brow knits in thought for a second or two and I think maybe I've said something wrong. I like being with her. Just as I'm about to correct myself, she speaks.

  
"Why don't you just bring your stuff here to paint?"

  
I think this over carefully as we take our seats. I promised myself from the beginning that I would take things slowly with Katniss; for her sake and for mine. Things are moving pretty swiftly, though, and neither of us seem willing to slow it down any. It feels as though we've always been together. Moving my studio over feels like one step closer to living together. My heart wants to run, but my head says walk.

  
Sae and Maya live with me full-time now. With three people in the house, it can be a bit crowded and noisy. I spend most of my nights at Katniss' place anyway. I don't want to presume that I'll always have a place in her bed. That might scare her. But, I do miss being able to pick up the brush on a whim; sometimes in the dead of night when everyone else is sleeping. I look at her, examining for a while before I answer.

  
"I'd love to, but…only problem is…when I'm under the same roof with you, the last thing I want to do is paint. Besides, I already monopolize your kitchen and have taken over half your bed. I'd have to bring over all of those messy art supplies."

  
She saunters over to my side of the table and sits on my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck. My hands are around her waist and suddenly this conversation is not so much about painting anymore. I don't think she's realized yet just how sexy she is and what gestures like this do to me. She's wearing her favorite little green tank top and a pair of shorts that she likes to work in on warm days.

  
"Well, without you here, that kitchen would hardly get used. And you take up three-fourths of my bed. But who's complaining?" She kisses me sweetly and leans back to look into my eyes. The next thing I know, our tongues are dancing against each other. I pull her into me, but we can't seem to get close enough. As if reading my mind, she shifts around until she's straddling me and I've got her cute little backside cupped in my hands.

  
She's turned into this unwitting seductress almost without knowing. It's not something contrived or manipulative. No. She's too honest in her actions and intentions for that. Katniss was never one to let her guard down physically or emotionally. I know she's this way only because she feels safe with me. I know she trusts me and it deepens our bond. The biggest problem is it also makes her more irresistible. It's been several weeks since our first time and each time is better than the last. We're making up for those lost teenage years by making love practically every day; some days multiple times. All the pent-up longing comes bubbling to the surface at the slightest touch.

  
"Well, you make a compelling argument, ma'am." She's tugging on the hair near the nape of my neck and driving me crazy.

  
"I like having you here. I promise, I'll leave you alone and head to the woods when you need your me-time to paint."

  
"As long as you promise to come back, it's a deal. Besides, it'll be a lot easier for you to sit for a nude portrait over here.  More privacy."  I lower my face to kiss the soft skin between her neck and collarbone.

  
She leans back and looks at me with shock, "And where would you display this nude portrait once it's done?"

  
I lean up to nibble her ear and chuckle, "Private collection." My lips move back down the side of her neck.

  
"Mmmmm...not a chance, Mellark."

  
"Hey, Katniss?" She loves that I love the soft skin in the crook of her neck.  I whisper to get her attention as I pass my lips over that spot...over...and over...again.

  
"Hmmm?"

  
"I don't feel the least bit like painting right now."

My lips have pushed back one strap of her top to give me better access to her shoulder. I look down and see the valley between her breasts threw her top, now askew. My lips are drawn there, wanting to taste her salty sweetness. I kiss the soft crevice in between and notice she's not wearing a bra. Two hard little hills form beneath the thin fabric at the tips of her mounds. I shudder at the reaction I get from her when I touch her. She angles her shoulder, moving the strap down a little more, revealing herself to me.

  
Her cheeks are blushed red, but her eyes contradict that show of shyness. She holds my gaze and lets the strap fall further and land at her elbow. She remains still, letting me look at her. My eyes roam over her body. Her shoulders combine strength and softness. Her scars confirm that strength. Her taught stomach is no longer a sign of hunger. I run my hands up and down her arms to soothe the goosebumps forming there and let my thumb drift over her nipple. I set the other shoulder free from its strap.

  
"Please kiss me." She speaks barely above a whisper. I take her mouth tenderly and run my hands along her back. She arches into me and moans against my mouth.  
"I love you so much, Peeta, I don't know what to do with myself sometimes."

  
I can't help but smile inwardly at the thought of this.  I mutter into our kiss. "I have a couple of ideas."

  
My trail of kisses continue to her neck and end at her nipples where I suck hungrily. Her deep, soft moans and the feel of her hips in my hands make the loose athletic shorts I'm wearing suddenly feel confining. Her hands are wound into my hair, caressing my scalp with each succulent taste of her nipple. Its twin gets jealous from lack of attention; I switch my focus. I'm trembling, I want her so badly. But, what we're doing feels so good, I can't stop.

  
We eventually maneuver our way out of our clothes without ever leaving the kitchen table.  We make love seated in that chair, Katniss facing me, with a mixture of shock and rapture. The newness of it all lends itself to unbridled curiosity and haphazard discovery. Ignorance and complete privacy are great catalysts for the most intense, unplanned lovemaking.  
We have our dinner a little late that evening.

The bakery grand opening is coming up in a couple of weeks. My excitement is only hampered by the thought that I won't have as much time to spend with Katniss until the dust settles. River Parabo, who'd led the cleanup effort right after the bombing, comes into the bakery one day and expresses an interest in working there. I remember him from school as being two years younger than Katniss and me; very friendly, a people person.

  
"I've always known my way around the kitchen pretty well. But, my old man always steered me away from that because he knew I'd end up in the mines like him...being from the Seam and all. That's all over now and there's not much else I know how to do. Now that cleanup is almost done, I'm in desperate need of a job."

  
"Well, what would you say to helping me prepare for the grand opening and we'll see how it goes from there? I can pay you a fair hourly wage in the meantime. I'm sort of basing my decision to hire someone on how successful the opening is. If it looks like I'll make a go of this thing, I'm going to need some help."

  
"That would be great, Peeta! I promise you won't be disappointed! I learn fast!" We shake on it. "What time do you want me here in the morning?"

  
"I get started early. How's 5am?" He looks startled for just a second and then nods enthusiastically.

  
"Looking forward to working with you, man." He takes off and heads for the door, then stops and comes back.

  
"Peeta? I just want to say that I was rooting for you and Katniss the whole time. I think you two being together is a wonderful thing. That probably wouldn't have happened before the war."

  
"Thanks, River." I watch him head out into the street and it gets me thinking.

  
What he says is true. I wonder if I would have ever gotten the courage to speak to Katniss before all of this. Sure, I'd planned to, but I'd chickened out so many times before, I'm not sure I would've gone through with it. And even if I had, love between townies and Seam folk was rare and discouraged.  I guess I'll never know. The universe had different plans and set things in motion beyond our control. Katniss always says it would have happened either way. With or without the Games and the war, we would have ended up together.

  
But even more so, I'm getting to know people that probably would not have even talked to me before, outside of buying something at the bakery. My mother was so prejudiced, that whenever anyone from the Seam came in to buy, which was very rare, she didn't let us engage in conversation too much. She was only interested in taking their money and getting them out as soon as possible. Gale, River, Greasy Sae, Thom, even Katniss. None of them would have been treated very well unless my father was minding the store. I'm glad things are different now, in spite of the sacrifice.

* * *

River works night and day helping me prepare for the opening. Between Katniss and Sae, who pitches in whenever she can, I have plenty of help to get ready. Katniss is just as excited as I am. She rises before me on the big day.

  
"Peeta! Time to get up, sleepy head. We need to shower and get down to the bakery to set up. Today's a big day!"

  
"Please, no. Go away, Effie!" I say, pretending to be out of it. Truth is, I've been in and out of wakefulness all night nervous about today. I want this to be a success in honor of my father's name. I know at some point I want to build a life with Katniss and I don't want her to ever worry about money or survival again. Who knows if our Panem-supplied winnings and Veteran's pension will last a lifetime. One government has already collapsed; it could happen again.

  
"Peeta, wake up!" I grab her around the waist and pull her down on top of me.

  
"I'm awake, beautiful. Have been most of the night. I just wanted to give you a reason to touch me."

  
"Well, _I_ don't _need_ reasons."

  
I sweep the stray hair out of her eyes as I see my past and my future collide in those grey pools.

  
"I love you," I tell her, trying to convey with my eyes all that statement means.  
"I love you, too, Peeta." She kisses me lovingly but briefly. "Now, let's go before you're late for your first day!" I groan as I get out of bed, more from a missed opportunity to wrap myself in her warmth than from fatigue. We shower and get dressed.

  
The climate is at that junction between summer and fall; warmth with an undercurrent of shaded coolness. I wear my usual; khakis and an oxford. I'm a simple guy, thankful that wardrobe concerns have never been my thing. Katniss, on the other hand, seems perplexed about what to wear.

  
"Babe, we gotta get going. Why aren't you dressed? You were up before me." She stands there chewing on her thumb with soft creases in her brow. The only thing she's wearing is one of my oversized t-shirts and her panties. Her hair is hanging loose around her shoulders. Another minute of this and there may not be a grand opening today.

  
"I want to be comfortable, but I want to look nice, too." She catches me eyeing her from the side as I button my shirt; she looks at me wistfully just before she tosses a pillow at my head.

  
"What's that about?"  
"I never really cared what I looked like until you came along, Peeta Mellark. Now, I'm feeling all...goofy! I used to laugh at girls who did this shit!"

"Well, you don't have to wear anything to be beautiful to me."  
"I can't exactly go naked, now can I?"  
"I won't complain." She gives me that Grow-Up-Peeta look.  
"Just give me a minute. I'll be right down."

  
She comes down in exactly five minutes wearing black slacks, a loose fitting green blouse and a sweater thrown over her arm, just in case. I notice she leaves her hair down.  
"You look gorgeous. Let's go. We can have breakfast at the bakery. Come here." She walks over and I take the sweater and drape it around her so that she can put it on.  
"It might get chilly riding on that four-wheeler."

  
I stroke her cheek with my thumb and just take in how beautiful she is. This is a big day for me and I get to share it with the person I love most in the world. She smiles at me and I instantly know that everything will work out fine.

  
"I hope my doing little things like that doesn't annoy you. I know how capable you are, but I like taking care of you."  
"You're the one person I'll tolerate that from. You're the exception, Peeta." She tips up on her toes and gives me a kiss.  
"Peeta. I'm so proud of you!"  
"For what?"  
"What you're doing...reopening the bakery. It takes a lot of strength and you've done it without a family to support you. And you make it look so easy. Effortless, even. I really admire that about you. Nothing seems to shake your resolve."

  
I'm stunned. Katniss is proud of me! She admires me. Those are words I haven't heard often in my life, except from my father.

  
"Well, you're wrong about one thing. I do have a family. You, Sae, Maya and Haymitch are my family now. You guys mean everything to me. So, I have had the support. Thank you."  
She smiles at me with her eyes and we hold each other for a little while before stepping out. It feels like we're crossing a threshold into a different life; a better life.

  
The weather is nice with the humidity of summer waning. We decide to walk instead of riding the four-wheeler, holding hands in silence all the way. As we approach the bakery, I can't help but picture the day I saw Katniss out back, hovering under the tree, emaciated and wet. My heart lurched when I saw her there. I can't help but think that all of the chances I've been given with her have been some sort of divine intervention meant to compensate for my cowardice. Something keeps putting us on this path to each other despite staggering odds against us. We're still alive...here...together. Now she's walking with me into this new adventure and it's so surreal to me still.

  
When we arrive, River has already opened up and is setting out the things we baked the night before. We get busy preparing items that are best served hot. Katniss prepares the cash register and checks the storeroom one last time. Once everything is in place, we hang out in the kitchen drinking coffee and eating one of my new items: ham and cheese croissants. Now that we can get meat and cheese freely, my menu selections are expanding. We hear the first ding of the bell and all rush out front to find Haymitch, Sae and Maya beaming at the counter.

  
"Hey, boy! Got any rum cake?" He slaps me on the back so hard I nearly choke on my breakfast.  
"Gimme an apron, Peeta, and put me to work!" Sae is moving behind the counter with Maya trailing right behind her.  
"Me, too, Peeta!"

  
Katniss grabs Maya's hand and heads to the back as our first customers walk in. It's Gale's family. Hazelle, Rory, Vick and Posy all walk up to the counter ready to be served.  
"We wanted to be first in line, so we got up extra early. Congratulations, Peeta!"  
"Thanks, Hazelle. Hey, you guys sample my ham and cheese croissants. Let me know what you think."

  
She reaches out to give me a hug as if to reassure me that she has no hard feelings about things that happened weeks ago between me and Gale. When Katniss comes out and sees them there, her apprehension quickly turns to a smile. She takes Posy and Maya to the side to busy them with a tour as customers start to stream in. Their amused giggles flow throughout the place as she whispers and points. I catch myself drifting into thoughts of what _could be_ as I watch her. She's more natural with them than she gives herself credit for.

  
I don't have long to dwell on my thoughts as the rest of the day is pure chaos. I'm on my feet the entire day, greeting customers, taking orders, and replenishing baked goods. Practically everyone in town that was an original resident of District 12 shows up early, drawing the interest of newer residents who stream in throughout the day. The biggest surprise of the day is to see Delly arrive with Thom, holding hands! Katniss and I shoot each other a devilish grin from across the room as Delly approaches the counter, pale cheeks reddened, and places an order.

**Katniss' POV**

  
Peeta is beside himself with happiness at the success of the opening. He's in his element, chatting and making people happy. Several times he steals a glance, a smile or wink in my direction and inevitably it's always intercepted by someone who is looking to judge the interaction between us. Several of he older women hint at how impressed they are with the building and hint, with a wink, at how success is in his future. I know what they're alluding to as the reality begins to descend on me that at some point, people's natural inclinations will turn towards whether we're going to get married. Most of the residents are unaware that our pregnancy and engagement were completely contrived by our circumstances then. They don't realize that we're just really getting to know each other in that sense. Still, the expectations unnerve me.

  
Peeta paid special attention to the frosted cookies he gives away to the children who come in with their parents. I gasp as I notice many of them are frosted with primroses, rue, and fish. He delights in seeing the children's faces when they reach for the treats. My heart aches with the realization that I will never be the catalyst for that joy in him.

  
At the end of the long day, we clean up and close up the shop. Peeta breaks out wine and champagne for us to toast. Our neighbors and new friends drift away one by one. Peeta looks approvingly at River as he bids us good night.

  
"I think he's going to work out just fine. Are you ready to head home? I meant your place."  
I move in closer and grab his hand. "It's okay if you say ' _home_ '. I won't freak out."  
He wraps my sweater around me and we head out the door towards Victor's Village.

  
I see it when we walk through the door. Leaning against the fireplace is a portrait of me. Peeta beams at me. I gasp at his talent and thoughtfulness.  
"I had Sae bring it over while we were still at the bakery. I hope you like it."  
"You make me look so beautiful, Peeta! You amaze me! Really!" I set the painting down and wrap him in a passionate embrace, ending with an equally passionate kiss as a 'thank you'.  
"Don't say that. You _are_ beautiful. Do you recognize it?"  
"How can I not? It's the dress I wore the night of the festival."  
"That's the night my new life began."

  
My modesty prevents me from hanging it over the fireplace, Peeta's preference.  
"Who hangs a portrait of themselves in their living room?"  
We opt instead to hang it in the bedroom on one condition. I make him promise to give it a companion: a self-portrait.  
"I want you to be here even when you're not," I tell him.  
"I don't plan on going anywhere."  
We wash away the remains of the day with a shared warm bath in my oversized tub and a glass of wine.

* * *

 

Peeta's looking at me bewildered. We just made love, we're lying in bed and I'm an emotional mess.  
"Please open up to me, babe. Why are you crying? I don't know if I'm hurting you or what."  
"No, Peeta. It's nothing like that. Just forget it." I know I have to tell him or else he'll continue to believe he's caused me some pain.

  
"Katniss. I thought you trusted me." I can't deny him anything, I know this. So, I give in.  
"Well, it's just that I wish I hadn't wasted so much time. I was so confused...and afraid. Loving meant losing. We could've been together so much sooner if I weren't so screwed up."  
"But, we're together now and that's all that matters. Is that _it_?"

  
"Well..." I look away, too embarrassed to look at him as I continue.  "...when our bodies connect in that way, it just feels…complete… _whole_ …and I've never felt this way…and it's overwhelming…and I get a little emotional, okay!" Now I'm covering my face like an embarrassed 3-year old.

  
For someone like Peeta who's so accustomed to dealing with his emotions, this may be hard to understand. He's so honest with himself and others about what he's feeling at any given moment. All of this is new to me. I try to avoid him but he pulls me closer and kisses the tip of my nose.

"Is that it? Is there anything else?"  
I take a deep breath. "And, well…no one told me it was going to feel so _good_! It's just incredible. I howl like an animal. I writhe around like a crazy woman! I want you all the time.  I just don't want you to think I'm weird." Now I'm really blushing and feeling like an idiot.

  
"Katniss Everdeen!" He says in a husky, suggestive voice, kissing down my neck. "Who would've ever thought?"  
"Don't tease me, Peeta!" I push him away...reluctantly.  
He pulls me in closer with 'sorry' reflected in his eyes.  
I try my best to explain to him how I feel. "It's not just physical. It's..."  
"...spiritual?" _Great_! Now he's completing my sentences.  
"Yes!"  
"...other worldly?"  
"Yes!"  
"Soul-shaking. Mind-altering. I know, Katniss. It's _wonderful_."  

  
He looks at me with a dawning understanding that I've finally caught up with him. He's no longer running ahead of me, breathlessly waiting for me to catch up. I'm here and alive with sensation. A simple summer breeze can light my skin on fire when he's near...and even if he's not. He has a strange way of steadying me and making me anticipate all at the same time. Yet, he never makes me feel vulnerable or unsure of myself. No, that comes from my own insecurities.

  
I love his smell, his taste, the feel of his breath on the back of my neck when we spoon in bed at night. The way he whispers my name during that magic moment that only the two of us can share. I come alive in his hands. His lips on my skin remind me of why I have a beating heart in the first place. His presence makes even the worst situation bearable simply because he's there. I think back to the Games when we faced certain death, yet his kisses made me feel things I'd never seriously considered before. He makes me think about the future. I picture the children we're never going to have just because I can. He so calms and excites me in a way that defies explanation. I watch his mouth when he speaks and eats. I watch his hands when he works and I welcome the sound of his voice calling 'Katniss?' when he comes in from the bakery.

  
"I get it," I say as I look into his eyes. I _do_ get it. I get what this kind of love feels like. I also get what my mother went through when my father died.

  
"I know you do," he pulls me into a tight hug and holds me there for what seems like forever. The only thing bigger than this is the feeling of what might become of me if I were to ever lose him. I try my best to ignore that part, but the fear has become even more real since we've been together.

  
We have our fights, but they're never mean; no vicious words are spoken. No, we both know we've been through too much to be together to subject each other to that. We just part ways for a couple of hours and sulk pitifully, eventually finding our way back to each other to make up. Sae shakes her head with a 'tsk-tsk'.

Haymitch just rolls his eyes.  "You call that a fight? That's the horniest fighting I've ever seen!"

  
Our fights mostly center on his not understanding my need to sometimes not talk (during which I mostly think about him anyways) and my lack of patience with him constantly needing to define our relationship (I don't care what he calls me; I just want him to love me). There are days I want to smack him, but he locks me in with those eyes or nibbles on my neck and we…do other stuff instead. There are days he'd rather paint or bake and I'm just a distraction. I spend more time in the woods on those days...giving him space and relishing in the time to be alone.

  
I learn that balance and symmetry are important to him; as important as fairness is. It makes him feel safer and more in control. Neither of us wants to _take_ too much; it makes us feel guilty. Neither of us wants to _give_ too much; afraid it will make the other antsy. He learns to deal with my impulsiveness and eventually sees it as freeing. I learn to deal with his predictability. It makes me feel calmed and steadied. I clean. He organizes. I gather. He cooks. I wash. He dries. I get him worked up when he needs it. He calms me down when I need it. _We_ love.

  
The beautiful thing about this new balance is that, in learning to rely on each other for those things, the dividing lines are exquisitely blurred, creating the opposite effect from what one would expect. There's no more score keeping.

  
 _Who loves whom more?_  
Who's loved whom longer?  
Who's more in debt to the other?  
Who's going to be the first to apologize…cry uncle…or bail?

  
It no longer matters. We're both free to depend on the other for the things we need: his words and my actions. He says what he means. I do what I intend. We both have become adept at wiping tears away. Nightmares don't stand a chance when we're together.

  
He's accepted that it's always been him; never Gale. I'm slowly becoming used to the idea that he's mine, I'm his and no one is going to take him from me. The last coherent thought I have before I succumb to the bliss of love-attended sleep is: _Is this how my father made my mother feel?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's face it, neither of them started life out with a healthy view of what love should be. While Katniss' early life may have given her a good example with loving parents, she watched her mother decline mentally after losing the love of her life. This is why she sees love as a weakness and why she associates it with loss. Peeta is teaching her that love gives you strength.
> 
> And poor Peeta! Here's a boy who grew up knowing that his father loved another woman that was not his mother. He constantly sought the approval of a bitter woman who responded to his attentions with brutality, laced with her own pain. This is why he is able to see through Katniss' anger and bitterness, recognizing it for what it really is: fear and vulnerability. It's also why he, unlike his father, is determined to settle for none other than the woman he loves above all others. I think this shaped a lot of their interactions and choices in the series.


	17. Dreaming With A Broken Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our lovers discover that love is not always a bed of roses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John Mayer provided the inspiration.

**Katniss' POV**

The only thing more annoying than the clink-clank of the forks on our plates is the deafening silence between us. Peeta sits across from me, staring down at his plate, avoiding my glances. He's hardly spoken to me during dinner. I've made him angry.

"Peeta..."

"I get it Katniss. You never want to get married  _ **or**_  have kids." There's sadness in his eyes that I feel responsible for. "I was strictly talking hypothetically, you know. I didn't know the subject was still so abhorrent to you or I wouldn't have brought it up."

He gets up abruptly, drops his fork onto his plate, walks over to my side of the table and looks down at me with a look of…resignation…frustration. I hardly know. I don't know what hurts more; the fact that he's angry with me or the look in his eyes. He kisses me on the forehead.

"I'm going to paint. Don't wait up for me. Okay?" He paints when he's upset; when there's nothing else to be said. I know he's in pain. And I'm the cause of it. Again.

He walks out without waiting for a response. I'm speechlees besides; I fell no need to defend myself. He leaves me to do the dishes alone, something he never does.  _I wash. He dries_.

I hear the door to the study, his makeshift studio, slam unceremoniously. Tears sting the backs of my eyelids as I let the warm, soapy water wash over my hands. I don't even know what to say to him to make it better. I stare out the kitchen window at the snow-covered yard, wishing Prim were here for me to talk to and help me make sense of all that's happening. My thoughts and emotions are a jumbled mess and I'm just no good at sorting these things out. I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

_Why do we have to talk about this now? We haven't even been together that long. I'm just enjoying getting to know him and what we have. I don't even want to think beyond what's happening now._

I finish the dishes just as I feel my emotions start to boil over. Anger overtakes the sadness of Peeta avoiding me. I practically run up the stairs to the bedroom we've shared for months now and slam the door.  _Who the hell does he think he is?_

I don't bother to bathe or dress for bed, choosing to just throw my dress off and crawl in wearing only my underwear. The tears come easily once I'm alone. My body shakes from the inability to hold back the tears.  _Why am I still so broken?_  The rebellion was over three years ago and I still can't even discuss marriage and children.

Peeta and I have been happy together for months; since the summer. We've waited years to be together! So, why can't I fathom giving myself over to the thought of even  _discussing_  having a family with him? We practically live together. I love him. I don't want anyone else  _except_  him. I knew things would lead to this at some point, so why am I surprised? What hurts more is that I  _know_  what Peeta's feeling:  _My love for him is not strong enough to overcome the fear_.

I lay there, cursing Peeta; cursing myself.  _Why do I keep hurting him? Why does he keep letting me?_  I know that sleep won't come without him lying next to me, so I just lay there for what seems like forever until I finally hear his steps on the stairs. I turn my body to the wall and pray that he just crawls into bed without bothering me. But, I'm a hypocrite. At the same time that I'm so utterly pissed at him and want to push him away, I want nothing more than his touch right now. So, I fake being asleep. I can't bear to let him see me like this.

I hear him walk in and close the door. I feel him just standing as I hear no other sound for a while…except a heavy sigh.

"Katniss?"

I don't budge. Trying to steady my breathing from all the crying is difficult, but easier than having this conversation right now. Another heavy sigh and I hear the clunk of his belt buckle on the floor, followed by the rustle of what must be his shirt, joining it. He always puts his clothes away before going to bed, but not tonight. The bed shifts under me and the wonderful scent of cinnamon mixed with paint invades my senses, making me miss him even more. I want to give up this ruse, roll over and pull him to me and make love to him. I want to...but, I don't.

"Katniss, are you awake?" I remain still. He takes in and releases one long, slow breath as he strokes my hair.

He whispers, "Why do I always find a way to scare you away?"

I think ' _Maybe because I'm so easy to scare. I'm scared, Peeta_.'

But, I say nothing. I just lay there, my resolve crumbling.

I feel the bed shift again. His breathing steadies after a while. I can feel the heat from his side of the bed radiating against my back. Once I think he's asleep, I'll move in next to him, but not until then. I need to feel him, even if he's angry with me, even if I don't deserve it. I need him.

I slowly shift my body around after I hear the tempered rhythm of his breath that means sleep. As I turn, I'm startled when I see him leaning over, looking at me. I can't see him in this darkness, but I know those piercing blue eyes are staring down at me.

"I knew you weren't asleep."

I lash out at him, angry and embarrassed. I push against his chest to move him away from me, but he's too big. I flail my arms about, striking out at him in an attempt to drive him away. He grabs my wrists and holds them to the bed above my head. The tidal wave of sobs within me erupts. He's hovering over me and I can't deny the electricity between us even when I'm trying to push him away.

I cry between clenched teeth, "Why do you love me when I can't give you any of the things you want?"

His face is so close to mine, I can see his eyes through the darkness. "You give me everything I want."

"No, Peeta! I can't. I'll just..." The sobs are making me almost incoherent at this point.

"Katniss, stop it! Please listen to me." I can hear the thickness in his voice, the sound of rising tears. He's still holding my hands in place with his forehead pressed to mine.

"I just got carried away with the what-ifs, okay. This little girl came into the bakery today with her dad. She just reminded me so much of you when I first saw you. I got carried away. I'm sorry." He lets out another frustrated breath as he nuzzles my face, causing a tingling feeling between my thighs, before he continues. He still hasn't let go of my hands.

"I'm not talking about tomorrow...just...someday. But, if you never want kids and never want to get married, I can live with that. What we have now is far and above what I thought would  _ever_  happen. I'd be perfectly happy living next door to you and sleeping over at your place every single night until I'm 80."

I choke out a sobbed chuckle at the thought of an 80-year old Peeta sneaking across the lawn with pajamas in hand. It occurs to me just how ridiculous this seems. Leave it to him to make me laugh at a time like this, causing the tension between us to diffuse while the fire builds.

"What happens when you turn 81?" I ask him, the tears still streaming through my laughter. I can feel his smile in the darkness.

"We start over."

"You'd be so much better off with someone else who could..."

"I don't want someone else. I want you. I always have. You're all that I really want. Why don't you believe that just  _you_  are  _enough_?"

"Because, Peeta! I know how much you want a family. I know how you love kids. You've made no secret of that. It's so obvious! You couldn't have picked a worse person to love."

That last statement seems to have made the edge return to his voice. I know I'm trying his patience. "If being with you means giving up on silly boyhood dreams, then I gladly do that...100 times over. I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I had no right. I love you more than anything in this world, Katniss."

Even in the thick darkness of my room, I can see the sincerity in his eyes. I can hear it in his voice and feel it on his breath. His nose is nuzzling mine and I can feel the remnants of his tears mixed with my own on my face. I turn my head slightly to kiss away the salty wetness dangling from the end of his nose. While I'm thankful for the opportunity to soothe him, I'm angry that I'm the cause of his pain.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you," I manage to sputter out between sobs. I feel my breath quickening, slightly ashamed of the heat growing in my belly at a time like this.

"No need to be." His parted lips rake across my cheek, stoking that fire.

"I love you, Peeta. I want to make you happy; I do. I just don't know when I'll be ready to talk about...that."

"I understand. I won't ever ask you to do something just to make me happy." His hands release my wrists and glide slowly down the length of my arms, causing my body to quake. He strokes my hair, sweeping the tear-soaked strands away from my face as my arms encircle his neck.

"Can we make a deal?"

"Whatever you want," he breathes into my neck.

"I won't completely shun the idea if you don't press it." His head pops up.

"Really? You mean the door's not completely closed?"

"That's just it. I don't know. I may never be ready. I don't want me not being ready to ruin what we have now. Let's just live for now, Peeta. We've waited so long for this."

He looks as if he's searching for my eyes in the dark. I feel him nod.

"It's a deal. "

My arms find his back and pull him closer to me. The feel of his skin on mine grounds me to the earth. I'm visited by that feeling I've had over and over again; the one of not being able to get close enough to him. He's gliding his slightly parted lips over my face, my neck, my chest and shoulders while his hands move up and down my sides. I stifle a whimper growing in my throat, only to be met by one from him.

He shifts, resting his body weight entirely over me, enveloping me with his safety and protection. I feel his growing hardness nestling between my thighs as he reaches slowly around my back and undoes my bra, too impatient to wait for me to do it. When his lips take my breasts it's with all the passion of ' _I'm sorry_ ', ' _I love you_ ', ' _I want you_ '.

"Katniss..." he whispers against my skin.

"Peeta..."

"You love me?"

"Always."

"I love you."

He kisses me deeply, one hand around my waist and the other behind my head. He pulls away tentatively, nuzzling my face with his nose.  _Oh, I love when he does that!_

"Can I taste you?"

I gasp, "Please," my body reacting already.

I tug on his hair as his lips descend my body, leaving a trail of heat from my neck to my navel. He's frantic, gripping my waist, my hips, pulling them forward to arch into his mouth. His kisses to the insides of my thighs and beyond soothe me. I don't even notice the removal of my panties which obviously occurs at some point. I see stars as my body reacts to his kisses, clenching around him. How can I ever deny him children? He deserves that and so much more.

He returns to me, kissing me deeply with lips marked with my scent and I know that he's mine. He slides into me and anchors me to my body. The culmination in sweat-soaked limbs, panted whispers of  _'I love you'_ , and sorrowful tears leave us spent and breathless as we drift off to sleep.

When he leaves the next morning, I sneak into his studio to see what he painted while he was angry with me. I say sneak, because I only look at his paintings when he invites me to. Those are the only times I will enter this study. Only for Peeta. I walk over to his easel and what I see makes my heart ache.

There's a little girl around 5 years old, dressed in a red plaid dress with two dark braids hanging over her shoulders. She's standing on a stool with her hands clasped in front of her and mouth agape as if she's singing. In the foreground is a little blonde-headed boy, staring on in wonder. My Peeta. He deserves so much better.

* * *

The mayor's race in the fall came and went without Haymitch throwing his hat into the ring, as many thought he would do.

"Public life is not for me, sweetheart. I prefer to orchestrate things from the back seat, if you know what I mean."

Both Peeta and I were asked to run, but neither of us had even the slightest interest. At the end of the election, that honor went to none other than Thom Granger! Peeta and I both agreed that his zealous nature and connections to our nation's government (Gale) made him a perfect fit for the job! And absolutely no one was happier than the new lady in his life; one Delly Cartwright.

The fall season also ushered in success for Mellark's Bakery. This made Peeta happy and very busy. I spent those cool, balmy months drying and packaging the last of the herbs, harvesting and canning vegetables. The hardened earth of winter has put growing and gathering on hold, giving me more time to spend at the bakery. On some days, these are the only wakeful hours I get with Peeta. When he comes home, covered with flour, he's tired and his leg bothers him. I've gotten better at cooking, under Sae's tutelage; since Peeta's gone so much now, I do most of the cooking for us. The last thing I want is for him to come home after a hard day and worry about what to feed me. It makes me feel strangely domestic, which irritates me at first. Eventually I see it as just another small way to show my love. It also gives me something to do since I no longer hunt. I share his bath on a regular basis as it's one of the rare moments of downtime we get.

More residents, some old and some new, trickle into New Phoenix each day. The burgeoning population, of course, spells increased business for all local merchants. Peeta included. He takes on another employee and still has plenty to keep him busy at the bakery. The down side to the increased head count is that our citizen-run law enforcement is no longer sufficient. There are few violent crimes being committed, but there is plenty of theft and quite a bit of drunkenness. Making a living is still hard for many. Haymitch and a few other town council members form a subcommittee to organize an official police force. Everyone is especially attentive to this effort as they're nervous about creating another peacekeeper force.

We manage to finally finish the tribute book, which we dub  _Victors and Veterans_ , after Sae's dinner party she threw during the festival. We include not only those who gave their lives to the Hunger Games, but those who fought and died during the rebellion. The pages of Peeta's family have joined countless others. I even create a page for my father, although he died long before any of this descended upon us. He ignited a spark in me to always follow what I know is right, and that spark set fire to a rebellion. Peeta decorates the front cover and it takes its rightful place on the shelf alongside my father's book of plants and herbs. Strangely enough, as we put the book away, I think of the generations after us that will read through it.  _Who will that be? Our family lines end with us._  The thought disturbs me so I push it away.

Christmas is particularly joyful, bringing a visit from my mom. She keeps the promise she made when she left after the festival.

"I couldn't let the holidays go by without seeing my babies."

I allow this  _one_  term of endearment in spite of the fact that I find it odd coming from her. Besides, it makes Peeta smile. Somehow my mom and Sae have combined to give him the mother he should've always had. My relationship with my mother is slowly morphing into something that resembles normal. I'm amazed at how I'd forgotten that we are so alike in many ways. Her being in the house gives me a way to break the routine I've fallen into since the bakery opening. The dullness of winter has a way of making me reminisce and long for my meadow. I feel restless.

And, of course, I can hardly get rid of Haymitch during the week my mom is here. I don't see him take one sip of white liquor the entire time, sticking to only sipping on wine. He's such a gentleman around her, it's sickening!

Sae and Peeta fuel the celebration with copious amounts of food. We sing and snooze by the fireplace nightly. The holiday has a particularly positive affect on Maya, with five doting adults at her beck and call the entire time. Peeta never brings up marriage and children, though I catch him stealing glances whenever Maya and I are engaged in any sort of play.

During our Christmas wish toast, he simply wishes for, "A long life of love and happiness with Katniss."

I wish for, "A quiet, peaceful life with Peeta by my side. And no more war."

My mother wishes that, "My babies, Katniss and Peeta, find happiness and peace of mind."

Haymitch wishes for an end to all hunger and that the trains run on time. Sae asks for enough game to feed New Phoenix, and Maya simply wants "pretty dresses".

We receive Christmas cards from Plutarch, Effie, Annie, Johanna, and even Gale. Annie includes a picture of Finn, who's looking even more like his father now. As I stare at it, I'm a little envious that Annie could bring something into being that's a part of Finnick. Here I am with a living, breathing man who loves me by my side and I can't even  _talk_  about having children!

As winter draws to a close, the ground begins to soften. I can once again look forward to springtime and gathering in my beloved woods. The meadow will be in full bloom in just over a month or so, and I can't wait to shed the cloak of winter. This season has been much better with Peeta by my side. But, I have to admit that I still get that lonely feeling from time to time. Watching him make the bakery a success just makes me long for having my own things to do. Not being able to get outside and feel the crunch of leaves under my feet has taken its toll. I'm crankier than usual, Peeta says. It's not until I'm helping out down at the bakery that I look at a calendar, which I rarely ever do, to help Peeta plan his inventory. I notice that Prim's birthday is drawing near.

The days of Capitol control are long gone, but I still get a knot in my belly when I think about all that's been lost. My thoughts of Prim these days are not a remembrance of her goodness, her sweetness and her kindness towards all living things. It's of my inability to protect her. Despite my best efforts, she died because of the corruption and failures of our government. Nothing I did was enough. Feelings of failure inundate my thoughts day and night.  _I couldn't protect Prim. I barely protected Peeta. How can I possibly ever protect a baby?_

One night, three days before Prim's birthday, Peeta and I are ending our evening in one of our favorite ways. We're wrapped in a blanket against the springtime night air, swinging in my back porch swing and drinking wine.

"Prim's birthday is coming up," I tell him sadly. I guess in an attempt to make things lighter and to make me feel better, he makes a suggestion.

"You know what I think we should do? We should redecorate Prim's room."

"Why? It's decorated the way she likes it…I mean liked it."

"I know, but she'd be 16 now and would probably not like the little girl decor. Come on, Katniss. It'll give us something to do together and it would give you a chance to clean it out. I could even paint a mural if you'd like. Or maybe you could use the room for something else like..."

"No! It's her room!" My response surprises even me. I shift my body around in frustration, mostly at myself. I'm snapping at Peeta for no reason whatsoever. I put my head in my hands in an attempt to hide the wave of conflicting emotions washing over me.

"Katniss?" he probes. I can't look at him.

"Please. Babe."

He moves in closer to me, his arm encircling my shoulders, and whispers in my ear.

"Hanging on to things isn't going to help you hang on to Prim. She lives in our memories and our hearts. That's what counts."

"How would you know? You didn't live with her. You didn't protect her and practically raise her." I regret the words as soon as they're spoken, but I can't help myself. He pauses and takes a sip of his wine before going on.

"I know that. But, I've lost people that I love, too. I have a little inside knowledge about what you're going through." The sadness in his eyes makes me feel instantly small and petty. He doesn't let my mean words shake him, though. He sidesteps my jabs like a prize fighter. So like Peeta.

"And, I did get to know her in District 13. I did love her, Katniss. She's the reason I even started to believe you loved me in the first place. It was her no-nonsense insistence that I look at your reactions in the films of the Games. ' _How can you not see that she loves you, dummy?'_  she'd say. ' _She just doesn't know it yet._ '" He pauses and lets out a soft chuckle, stroking the rim of his wine glass with his finger.

"She's the reason I came back here; because she convinced me that there might actually be something between us. She's the reason I planted those bushes. I think she'd want you to move on, Katniss."

I stand up abruptly, no longer willing to have this discussion.

"I'm going to bed." I leave him looking helpless and retreat before I say anything else mean to him. I stop by Prim's door on the way up the stairs and attempt to turn the knob. I can't. I feel ashamed. My mother was able to sleep in this room during her visit and I can't even enter it!

I rush to my room and head for the bathroom, ready for the solace of a hot shower to erase away all of my thoughts. Peeta follows me up, reading through my desperate actions once again, and climbs in with me. He doesn't speak a word. He just wraps his arms around me from behind and kisses the top of my head and massages my shoulders. There's no sign that he wants to make love. He's just there to comfort me. I sob uncontrollably in his arms and let the water cascade over me. He washes me lovingly, turns the water off and grabs a towel to dry me off with. I head to the dresser to retrieve my pajamas and dress for bed without saying much to him. I crawl into bed without much ceremony. I turn to the wall, placing my back to him and cry myself to sleep despite his pleas and touches. Just before I drift off, I feel him curl his body against mine; my back to his chest. I'm so thankful yet conflicted as I feel myself slide down a dark hole that I know will swallow me whole for God knows how long. I just hope that he's still here when I get back.

* * *

**Peeta's POV**

I lay in the dark with my nose buried into her hair. Her lemon verbena shampoo smells so good as I stroke her, soothing her to sleep. I know this is hard on her. I know her birthday is coming. I also know, thanks to Sae, how difficult this time of year is for her.

"Those were some dark days for her, Peeta. Every year this time is prob'ly the worst for her."

Haymitch just stayed silent. I ignored Sae's warning, though. A lot has changed since last year. First of all, we're in love. Secondly, time heals all wounds; even the big ones. And lastly, I'm determined to help her through this.

* * *

**Katniss' POV**

Opening my eyes proves to be a more daunting task than it should be. And blinking takes Herculean strength. Everything is dull and muted. Everything moves slowly. The sounds around me are muffled as if I'm under water. I don't even know how long I've lain here. I hear what sounds like a cat wailing, but as I turn the anvil that is my head, I see where the sound is coming from: a pair of exquisitely scarred and muscled shoulders shake and heave up and down.

_Peeta? Is he crying? Why is he crying? It's my fault. I remember now. Wait, he's saying something._

"Why won't you talk to me, Katniss?"

_That's right. I am Katniss. I'm 20 years old. I won the war, but lost my sister. I'm broken. And I love Peeta._

"You promised! You promised you'd never go away again. But, you won't talk to me!"

I know he's in pain. I know I'm the cause. What's worse is that I know I can fix it but, I can't even bring myself to reach out and touch the man I love when he's in need. I'm a failure. I failed Prim and I will continue to fail him.

I raise my voice with all the energy I have left. He needs to get away from me. I'm toxic. " _Just leave, Peeta. Save yourself_."

The next thing that registers is the slamming of a door very close to me, and then another one further away.

* * *

**Peeta's POV**

The wooden box arrived on the Capitol train just in time for me to do what I needed to do. I conducted my work at my house to avoid suspicion, decorating the box with all the things she liked. I stained the box a beautiful, rich honeyed color before setting about my painting. On the front side is a painting of her and her goat, Lady, wearing matching blue ribbons and frolicking in the meadow. On the left side is Buttercup, only slightly nicer looking than the real live version. On the right side are instruments of healing: a stethoscope, herbs, and a medical manual. The top of the hinged box is decorated with her name, Primrose, in beautifully formed letters and surrounded by a wreath of primroses. I finished the painting and varnished the entire thing with a protective clear coating. It's big enough for Katniss to put all of Prim's special things in so that she can have them at a moment's notice; whenever she needs to be close to her sister.

I'm planning a couple of other special surprises for Prim's birthday, including a picnic. I want Katniss to start associating good feelings with this day. Dr. Aurelius says, off the record, that it's a good idea but,

"This may take some more time, Peeta. Don't be too disappointed if her reaction isn't what you expect."

But, he doesn't know Katniss like I do. I plan to pack the basket with her favorite cheese buns, Prim's favorite decorated iced cookies, fruit, potato salad and a bottle of wine. I'll take her to the meadow and spend the day there just holding her, talking to her and letting her cry as much as she likes. We'll celebrate Prim's life and all the goodness she brought to this earth. I sneak the basket into her basement to have it ready. I've already informed my staff that I won't be at the bakery on that day. I'll wake before her to prepare the meal and pack it, then we'll head to the meadow.

The next morning, she's still in bed when I come from the shower to dress for work. I don't let this worry me too much as I kiss her goodbye.

"Katniss, I'm leaving. Okay?" She looks at me but doesn't answer, doesn't blink. A sickening feeling invades my stomach. That stare is so familiar. That 100-yard stare that says ' _I know you're there but I don't see you_ '.

"Hey. I left you some breakfast downstairs." I bend down beside the bed to stroke her cheek. "I'll come by at lunch and bring you a special treat, okay."

Finally, I get a nod before I head off to the bakery. I return at noon to find Katniss, still in her pajamas, in almost that same exact spot and her breakfast untouched. Her only response to my questions and pleas is a stream of silent tears. I call the bakery, undress and crawl into bed with her. Hours later, the sun descends and I haven't been able to convince her to eat, talk or even look at me. My own emotional resolve is beginning to shake.

"Katniss, please. Open up to me. Talk to me. I'm here. I love you."

She doesn't respond. I continue my pleas into the night. I continue until my own frailties take over. With each passing hour, the thoughts that were drilled into my head take control; the thoughts of Katniss faking her love for me. I fight with all I have. But with her not being there to be my guiding light, coming out of that darkened tunnel is a long, angry journey. I discover that digging my nails into my thighs is almost as effective as her voice, but not nearly as nice.

The next morning, I wake her with a little less enthusiasm than the day before. The only response I get is,

"Just leave, Peeta. Save yourself."

So, I do.

* * *


	18. For You I Will

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The descent into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For You I Will, by Teddy Geiger inspired this chapter.

**Katniss' POV**

_Did he leave? I think he left. Good. I'm toxic._

My mind does the work that my body can't do as it wanders around thoughts of what could've been done differently. I alternate between crying and sleeping for what seems like days. Keeping my mind active enough to totally avoid sleep is impossible. Lack of thought is the savior from all of the things I don't want to revisit and all of the questions I don't have answers to.

_What could I have done to save Prim?_

_Why does Peeta love me?_

_Will I ever deserve him?_

_Should I have left those berries alone?_

_Why did my daddy have to die?_

I occasionally wake to Sae holding a tray filled with food. My tastebuds have disappeared. I can only nibble enough to satisfy her so she'll leave…leave me alone to return to my stupor. She asks me the same thing each time.

"Would you like me to get Peeta?" And I answer the same each time, shaking my head side to side.  _I'm toxic._ She leaves with a _tsk-tsk-tsk._

At some point I muster up enough strength and courage to get out of bed and step out into the hallway. I know that Peeta has left me. I know that he's tired of my shit. My body feels like it weighs a ton and I just want to rid myself of it!

_I've failed him again, Prim. I need you. I need your voice and that sweet smile you greeted me with every day when I'd pick you up from school._

I don't know how I got here but I'm vaguely aware of my hand on the doorknob of her bedroom. It feels warm to my touch. My fingers shake as I reach out and withdraw for what must me 10 times before I finally turn it and walk in.

Everything is as she left it, except for a few things my mom moved around. The comforter and curtains whose fabric she picked out herself show no sign of fading. The photo of her with Lady, her goat, in front of the Hob is on her nightstand. Right next to it is one of me and Peeta on the Victory Tour, hands clasped and raised triumphantly…together. My heart aches when I see it.

I stand there hugging myself with my own arms, shaking as if it's freezing in here. It is cold in here. My legs feel like rubber and threaten to fold under the weight of my heaviness. I walk around looking at all her things; in the closet are all her favorite dresses. I was finally able to give her some nice ones before she...

I collapse on her bed, sobbing and shaking with overwhelming sorrow.

_Crying is so tiring! I'm so tired of crying, but I can't stop!_

I still feel cold, so I pile myself underneath the covers and wrap up in Prim's warmth. Her smile, much like Peeta, was like a ray of sunshine on a cold, hard Seam day. She always placed the well-being of others ahead of her own. Slowly the shivers that rack my body start to subside and I feel myself relax, though I'm still crying. I feel the weight of my body sink into the mattress and it feels…heavenly! I feel so light and warm! When I open my eyes, I feel surprisingly rested as I stretch my arms up over my head, awakening. Something tickles my arm and I'm startled for a few seconds as I blink back the sun.  _The sun!?_

I'm in the meadow, lying on the grass in my nightgown. The sun is overhead and I feel amazing! The tickling sensation is the bed of grass on which I'm lying. I slowly stand up, examining my body, my arms and legs. How did I get here? Did I wander through town…out of it…wearing my night gown?

"I brought you here, silly!" I whip my head around at the sound of the voice.  _That voice! It can't be…Prim!?_

"Well, don't just stand there gawking! Didn't you say you needed me?"

Tears sting my eyes and compete with the confusion rising in my brain.  _Do I laugh? Cry? Wait, this can't be right. Prim is…_

"Prim! How…What? I didn't…"

She rushes towards me and wraps her little arms around me, only she's not so little anymore. We collapse on the ground again in a flurry of hugs and tears.

"Oh, my God! Prim! What is this?"

I'm sobbing uncontrollably again, but it's different from the sobbing I did before.

"Please, is this a cruel joke? Or have the last 3 years been a horrible nightmare?"

She looks a little older. As old as I was when I was reaped for the 74th Games. She's wearing a beautiful pale blue sundress. Her hair hangs about her shoulders loosely, making her look all of 16, not 13. She's looking at me in amusement.

"Katniss. You called me. I came. I couldn't stand to watch you suffer. I've missed you."

"Oh, Prim! I've missed you so much! Is this real?"

"Yes, it's real, but I'm afraid it's only temporary. I mean… _duh_ …I'm not... _alive_!" She rolls her eyes just like a typical teenager before she takes a deep breath and lets it out. I try to hide my disappointment in suspended reality that's threatening to take over my sanity.  _Come on, Katniss! You know you can't raise the dead_!

"I know what you were thinking, Katniss. And I can't let you do that." She looks at me with eyes of wisdom that belie her 16-year old face.

"You were thinking of hurting yourself again. So, I decided to pull out the big guns." Her serious expression morphs into one of mirth.  _So much like Peeta, I can't stand it!_

She gets serious again, "Katniss…I came here to tell you that you've got to let go!"

"Of what? Who? Peeta?"

"No! Dammit, Katniss!" Prim cussing gets my attention. "You know you can be pretty dumb for such a smart woman! I'm talking about  _me_ , Katniss!"

I'm stunned. Speechless. My mouth is hanging open but no words are forming. I straighten my back to show I mean business.

"I'm sorry, Prim. I can't do that. I can  _never_  do that!"

"If you won't do it for yourself, and can't do it for Peeta, at least do it for me! You're ruining it for me, Katniss!"

"What!? Ruining what? Death?"

"Yes! Thank, God! You finally get it! This is supposed to peaceful. But, I'm so lonely!"

Now, she's got my full attention. The sadness in her eyes rivals anything I've ever seen on Prim's face; even more so than on the day her name was fished out of that bowl. She looks off into the distance at the waterfall that runs down out of the mountains and over the jutting rock, very near the special rock where Gale and I used to sit and compare our catches for the day.

"You see, I can't move on as long as you're hanging on to me. I'm stuck here. I can't go with the others."

"Prim, what others? What are you talking about?" I'm beyond confused and still trying to process how I got here talking to her in the first place. Her face brightens and I see the old Prim in her expression. The one I used to see whenever I had enough money to buy material for a new dress or the day I brought Lady home for her.

"My new friends! Daddy's there! So is Peeta's family! Katniss, even Rue is there! Your friend, Finnick. Oh, Katniss he's so funny and nice! And Cinna! I can't be with them because you need me here. You won't let me go."

I'm standing up now, even more confused. I'm staring at her but don't quite know what to make of all of this.

"Prim. This is not funny. This is a terrible dream and I want to wake up now."

"No. I won't let you until you get it. I'm lonely. And you need to move on." She's not wavering. I know Prim and that determined stare of hers. She goes on explaining.

"I wasn't always lonely, you know. I had company. But, slowly they all started drifting away to the other side of the water fall, to the peaceful place. One by one, their loved ones made peace with their passing…except you, Katniss."

She continues, "You wanna hear something ironic? Guess who kept me company the longest?"

I slowly turn my head toward her, my mouth still agape, speechless. "Who?"

"Mrs. Mellark."

I shake my head from side to side, still slowly processing what's happening here, "I'm sorry. I don't understand."

"She was the  _last_  one Peeta let go of. Speaking of Peeta, he really needs you right now."

"What do you mean ' _last one Peeta let go of_ '?"

"Katniss, you must pay more attention, really! If you're supposed to love that man, you've  _got_  to tune in! She's the  _last_  one that Peeta clung to. I bet you didn't know he came down to this meadow at least once a week after he was released from treatment. He'd sit on that spot right over there, rock back and forth and cry and pray. He'd tug on his hair as if he were going to pull it out. I wished for my earthly body just so I could hug him! But,  _she_  got to see. His mother! She got to see what she did to him, Katniss."

Her eyes lock onto mine. I take her hand. "Tell me, Prim. Tell me all you know. I'm about to lose him for good and I have to know everything. The things I can't see."

"At first, she was nonchalant. But, the more he came to visit, the more she saw just how emotionally raw he was. He talked to her and told her how he felt, how he tried to hate her for the things she did to him. Sometimes he just cussed her out. On those nights, she'd cry. She got to see his flashbacks and it touched her heart to finally face what he'd had to deal with. Sometimes he just told her how much he'd wanted her love. He told her about you and how he wished you two could've known each other. Sometimes she'd go stand right near him and his tears would subside for a little while. He stopped coming for a really long time; like for a year. The day he came back to visit again she told him ' _Peeta, I love you. I'm sorry I ever hurt you. Please forgive me._ ' Not long after that, she got to cross over. He let her go. Just like that. But, before she left, I got to know her. I actually liked her! She's not such a bad soul; just an angry one. She had a lot of pain and disappointment in her life. Knowing her husband was in love with mom didn't help, either. She still has a way to go in reviewing her life. She has to look at every single thing she ever did to that boy; every single mean word she ever said about people like us. She apologized, Katniss."

I hadn't noticed before, but we're walking towards the waterfall as Prim tells me all of these amazing things like how she met Rue for the first time! She tells me how each one, Rue, Cinna, Madge, Finnick, Thresh, Boggs, Peeta's father and brothers, crossed over at different times as their loved ones let them go. She tells me how each one would reassure her as they were crossing over that ' _It won't be long now. We'll see you on the other side. Katniss will let go._ '

The realization of what I've been doing is hitting me like a ton of bricks. My pain doesn't just belong to me. It affects everyone. Especially her…and Peeta. Those closest to me are burned the most by my actions.

We arrive at the waterfall and she turns to me with a sad but hopeful look. "Katniss, I'll never be far away. I'll always love you with my whole heart. But, there's where I want to be; not here in this meadow or in that shrine you have your house. Besides, Daddy's been waiting for me."

She points towards the waterfall. Prim takes my hand and leads me to the water's edge to get a better view. But, we're not close enough. She smiles at me mischievously as she leads to me to walk right across the water! I can feel the wetness under my feet, but there's a firmness that buoys us.

The water of the fall is crystal clear, almost like liquid glass. I can see straight through it! My father is standing there, looking as he did the day he left for work for the last time. He winks at me and blows me a kiss.

"Daddy!" I wave and rush towards the fall, but Prim stops me.

"He can see you and hear you. You won't be able to go in."

I walk as close as I can get to hear him. It's muffled, but oh, so beautiful!

"Honey. I love you." He's looking at me with all the love he used to when I was a little girl.

"You're a woman now. Please, honey, let Prim go. Go to Peeta. Live a full life. We'll see each other again someday. But, you've got keep your head in the land of the living. There are a few people who need you to be fully present. Oh, and tell your mother I love her."

I'm crying, he's so beautiful! "I love you, Daddy!"

"I love you, too, honey. Always."

I turn to Prim and see her looking at our father with the same longing that I am. I can no longer deny her this. I'm a bit ashamed of myself and all the confusion I've caused Peeta. I turn to her.

"Prim. I love you, but I can let go now. Go. I can't let you be lonely anymore. I'm sorry I held you here so long."

She beams at me and wraps me in a warm hug. As I look over her shoulder, I see Rue in the distance. She waves at me enthusiastically and perches on her toes like I remember her doing so long ago. She runs away squealing as Finnick chases her with a lobster! I can't help but laugh from pure happiness! Peeta's mother and father cross my field of vision. She gives me a warm smile with sorrowful eyes. He kisses the three middle fingers of his left hand and raises it towards me. I return the salute with tears in my eyes, so thankful that they decided to have a third child!

"I think you'll be in good hands. I can let go. I have to go find Peeta now."

Her eyes are bright and sure. She squeals and grabs me in for one last hug before she turns and starts to retreat for the waterfall. She turns back just as the water is closing off the sound between her world and mine.

"I love you, Katniss. I love Peeta, too. I'll always be looking out for you guys...and your kids."

"I love...wait! Kids? Did you say kids, Prim? Prim? How will I know when I'm ready? Um, send me a sign!" And just like that, she's gone through the waterfall.

I open my eyes to the sun setting in the sky. I don't know how long I've been out. I'm in Prim's bed and I feel so well rested! More than I ever have. I raise my hand to move the hair from my face and my fingers snag in my hair. Peeta's left me. For good this time. Prim's gone. I've accepted that, as much as it hurts. I look around her room and think of my time with her. Was it a dream or a visit? Real or not, it was the most wonderful thing I've ever been given. I've been given a gift of seeing my sister. I've been given the gift of clarity. I sit with my knees drawn up to my chest and look around the room.

_Peeta was right. Things won't bring me closer to Prim. I can hold on to her memory without holding on to the sorrow. Peeta. I have to find Peeta._

I literally jump out of bed and run into my bedroom. The light headedness of not eating enough combined with the shock of what I look like make me stumble as I approach my dresser. I look absolutely feral! I haven't washed, combed or eaten in, what, a couple of days. I bump into the jewelry box; the one Cinna gave me for my Victory Tour jewelry, perched precariously on top of the dresser. I catch in time to keep all of the contents inside, except for one thing.

I hear the tink-tink-tink as it bounces and rolls across the hardwood floor.  _Peeta's pearl. A sign from Prim?_  I don't know. But, I don't need one. I know where I need to be.

I shower and wash my hair, combing through the days-old knots in it. I pull it back in a quick braid, soaking wet. I hardly take time to register what I put on, unsure of what the weather's like since I've not been out since...still not sure how long I've been out. I grab a light, loose fitting cotton dress. I run downstairs and realize I'd forgotten to put on shoes! In too much of a hurry to go back upstairs, I opt for the flip flops on my front porch.

I run over to Peeta's house, ready to throw myself on his mercy. I run in without knocking and almost scare Maya.

"Katniss!" Sae rushes over, arms extended for a hug. I love Sae, but now is not the time. I'm here for one reason only. I hug her briefly and get to why I'm here.

"Sae, where's Peeta?"

"I haven't seen him in a couple of days."

"A couple of days? How long have I been…?"

"About a week, my dear." Her eyes are saddened further by the shock on my face. "Katniss, I know you're hurting. I know that. But, you could learn a thing or two from that boy. He fought hard for you. You need to fight this thing…for him."

I look at her just long enough to let her words sink in. I don't even stick around to talk; I'm out the door and down the steps, heading for Haymitch's.

"Katniss, he moved into the bakery apartment a couple of days ago," she shouts after me.

I change my direction as my thoughts swirl. I jump on the four-wheeler to save time and ride through town looking positively like a wild woman, I'm sure. As I approach the rear of the bakery, I see her exit. We lock eyes and she looks shocked to see me. Her mouth is forming my name as I whip the four-wheeler in reverse and retreat. If that's what he wants, then that's what he'll have. I hope he and Delly are happy together.

* * *

**Peeta's POV**

I didn't want to leave. I had to leave. My altered mind was taking over more and more, convincing me that Katniss didn't love me in the first place. That she'd changed her mind like she'd done so many other times…faking it. Waves of flashbacks were taking me under at a faster rate than they'd been since moving back here. Without Katniss to talk me through them, it wasn't the same. I had to rely on bringing myself back by any means necessary. I didn't want her to awaken to find me digging my nails into my thighs or banging my head against a wall to stay in the present. I couldn't do that to her.

I did go back later in the afternoon on the day that I left. She was sleeping. I didn't wake her, but just stood there staring at her in the light that shone through from the hallway. Other than a little crease in her brow, she looked like she was resting well. I spent that night downstairs in the study, just in case she woke up screaming. I wanted to be near her. I went to Sae the next day and told her what was going on. I asked Sae to make sure she eats and to ask her if she wants to see me. Each time, she brings the same reply.

"Peeta, I think she needs a little more time."

So, I paint. I paint my ass off! Each day I paint a different canvas of something about her that I love...that I miss. I paint her eyes, half closed the way they are when I pull back from kissing her. I paint her mouth when she smiles with that little dimple in the left corner. I paint the tail of her braid whipping around when I call her name from afar. I paint her hand when she grips the sheets…I hide that one.

I move to the bakery apartment after a couple of days because I can't bear to walk by her house without going in. Everyone around me knows that something's not right; especially River. I miscount the customers' change, place things in the wrong display case. I even burned some bread for the second time in my whole life! This only brings back the memory of the first time I ever burned bread…on purpose.

"Boss," he says. "Why don't you knock off a little early. Go see your girl." I never told him that I live at the store now. I don't want anyone's pity. I just pretend to show up really early and stay really late after the staff leaves. Then I head up to my lonely little space and bang my head against a wall to keep the demons at bay.

"I'm fine, River. I'm good."

"No. You're not." I look at him in disbelief. I'm good at talking myself out of situations, but I can't hide anymore. All I can do is look away without answering. And when I do, I see Delly walking up to the front of the bakery.

 _Fuck_! I think.  _What does she want?_

But, I no longer care. Katniss doesn't want me. Delly walks in with this stupid grin on her face.

"Hi, guys!"

"Hi, Ms. Cartwright. How can we help you today?" River sees the look on my face and takes over.

"Well, actually, River I just came here to talk to Peeta."

She turns to me and asks if we can chat. I direct her to the booths at the front of the bakery and wait for her to take a seat, cautious of what this could be about. I miss my old friend, but my last few interactions with her have made nothing but trouble in my life. I'm not my usual self, so I don't engage her. I just give her an audience and let her speak. She starts out a little uncomfortably.

I half-listen to her prattle on about mundane shit like, new store in the square  _blah-blah-blah_ ; new family moved next door  _blah-blah-blah_. I can't focus on anything except the fact that I haven't seen Katniss in a week. She finally gets the message and gets to the point.

She clears her throat. "Peeta. I want to apologize. To you. For…um…acting the way that I did. I…um…we've always been friends and I feel like I've ruined that." Now I'm listening. She goes on, looking forlornly out the window of the bakery.

"After the war, I had nothing left except my brother. I mean, thank God for him! But, my parents were gone. Our store and our home were demolished. My life was erased, basically! It was as if I never really existed. Even our school was gone!" She pauses as she tries to gain control of tears that are on the verge of spilling.

"When I saw you in District 4, I went after you because…you represent a part of me that isn't dead…gone. You connected me to my old life in a way that my little brother can't." She looks up at me, obviously feeling more sure of what she's saying.

"I don't think we were ever meant to be together and I'm glad you had the good sense to see that. We could've easily used each other and ruined a really good friendship. And, that's what I think would've happened if we'd ended up together. I hope I haven't ruined that friendship. I know you belong with Katniss. You guys are…meant to be. And I'm sorry if I caused her any confusion."

I can't keep the face anymore. As happy as I am that Delly finally came to her senses, her words cut straight to the heart.

"Peeta…what's wrong? Did I say something?"

"Thank you, Delly…for saying that. But, I haven't talked to her in days."

"Well, what the hell happened?" I look at her in shock because Delly Cartwright doesn't cuss.

"I don't know. She's…withdrawn…kind of like she was in District 13. She says she doesn't want to see me."

"Bullshit!" she says. I think  _Okay, the new Delly is a little unnerving; Sounds a lot like Johanna_. "I've seen you two together. That's bullshit. She looked like she wanted to slit my throat every time I saw her." She huffs in exasperation. "Peeta, let me tell you something about women. I know how you are. You're too…nice. That's right. You heard me. You need to march over to her house and tell her that you love her and you're not going any damn where."

"I'm not a stalker, Delly! She knows I love her. In fact, everything you see around you is for  _her_! I did this because I want to build a life with  _her_! But, she's got so many ghosts! I wonder if I'm equipped to…fight them with her."

"Peeta, you survived a high-jacking! You're the only living survivor on record! Surely you can handle this. Besides, she's been through a lot, too. You guys love each other, but you also need each other."

She's places her hands over the top of both of mine which I'm wringing. She stills them.

"And there's nothing wrong with that. Now listen to me. You love Katniss."

"More than anything."

"Then get off your ass and go over there and tell her what's what. And when you're done…" She looks around tentatively, which is odd since there's just me, her and River in the bakery.

She whispers, "…fuck her brains out." Her eyes are steely and her pale cheeks are firebrand red as she says this.

"What?" I manage to get that out before I collapse into laughter. "Is that what Thom did to you?" I've never heard her speak like this before! This is crazy!

"Shut up, Peeta! It works! Now you do what I say and watch the results." She's blushing terribly and I can't stop from laughing. I'm almost maniacal. I haven't laughed in earnest in over a week and it feels so good! I'm starting to appear a bit unhinged so I gather myself so I can listen to her

"I came here to tell you something really important. Okay…" She raises her left hand and waves the back of it in front of my face, palm facing her. She's wearing diamond ring.

"Thom popped the question!" I stand up and give her a really big hug, feeling a tug at my heart. Katniss and I should be making this announcement.

"Congratulations, Delly."

Just as I release her she whispers, "Oh, shit! There's Thom. He's heading in here."

"Well let's go say hello so I can…"

"No! You don't understand! I had to sneak here! He's insanely jealous of you, Peeta! I have no idea why, though!"  _But, I do._  I can't help but smirk, male pride taking over.

"Can I use your back door? I'll take the back way to the fabric shop and meet him when he comes out. Bye."

She races out just in time. River gives me a quizzical look with one eyebrow cocked as I give him the shush signal. Thom comes in just as I'm removing my apron.  _Maybe Delly's right. Maybe I am too…whatever_. My heart aches. I miss Katniss. I'm worried about her. There's no one else on this earth for me expect her.

I hardly hear Thom as he goes on and on about how important his job as mayor is for the next 10 minutes. Somewhere in his monologue he mentions how his future first lady accepted his proposal and I nod, smile and congratulate him in all the right places, only thinking of Katniss.

Thom is mid-sentence, talking about himself again, when I turn to River and say,

"Can you close up by yourself, River? I got some things at home I need to attend to."

With a wink and a nod, he says, "You got it, boss. And tell her I said hello."

 _I only hope she'll let me_. I wave to Thom, who looks confused and put out, and I'm out the door. I'm walking briskly, my resolve building with each step.

_I should be ashamed of myself. We've been through too much for something like this to derail us. Katniss loves me! This I know. I love her and would walk through fire for her. I **have**  walked through fire for her! I won't take 'no' for an answer if she tells me she doesn't want to see me. I'm not sending messages through Sae. She'll have to look me in the eye and say it. She's not getting off that easily._

* * *


	19. Dark Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ascension!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson is perfect for this chapter!

**Katniss' POV**

By the time I reach my house, the windblown tears have dried on my face leaving salty, white streaks. I stumble through the back door and wash my face at the kitchen sink. The cool water offers only a temporary respite from the thoughts and emotions I must deal with as soon as the water turns off. I'm so upset, my stomach feels sick.  _I'm losing Peeta…again_.

I flop down at my kitchen table, head in hands, and begin to try and process what I just saw.

_Why the hell was Delly Cartwright coming out of the back door of the bakery? How could he move on so quickly? Does he still love me?_

I turn these questions over and over in my mind, not coming up with a definite answer to any except the last one.  _Yes, Peeta does love me. But, he probably thinks that I don't love him. And to console himself, he's fucking Delly._

I haven't eaten much lately, so I grab an orange from the bowl of fruit on the table and eat that. Feeling tired and dejected, I wander into my living room, unsure what my next move will be.  _Perhaps I'll just call it a night, as early as it is._

When I walk into the next room, Peeta's standing there. He's panting. His hands are clenched by his sides and he's got this look in his eyes. For a second, I think maybe he's in the grips of a flashback. But, I know the look in his eyes when that happens. This is not it. No. He's pissed.

I'm conflicted and torn. I want to wrap myself around him. I also want to slap the hell out of him for what I saw a few minutes ago. I want to ask him if he's okay.

"Where have you been, Katniss?"

"What do you mean, where have  _I_ been? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be back at the  _bakery_?"

"Katniss, this is bullshit! We're supposed to be in love! But, I feel like…ripping my fucking heart out and throwing it at your feet! No, you know what? That would actually feel better than what I'm feeling right now." He starts to pace back and forth, raking his hands through his hair and breathing sharply.

He stops to face me and continues. I haven't moved from my spot.

"When I came back here, I committed myself to you. But I can't lie next you and have you completely shut me out. You promised you'd never disappear on me again!"

Peeta never yells at me. As much as I may have hurt him, I can't help responding in defense of myself.

"So you get to have episodes, and I can't go into my dark place? Everyone rallies around you and feels sorry for you.  _Peeta's so brave! Peeta's so strong! Look how he's recovered!_ "

"That's not fair. You know I can't help that."

"Well what makes you think I can help it?" He pauses in his pacing and looks at me, his mouth agape. "I get to feel like a complete failure. I'm not  _allowed_  to be weak. No, I'm just the crazy bitch who killed the President and can't get over losing her sister! And poor Peeta has to put up with her!"

"Katniss! I'm tired of fighting ghosts. How can I give you all I have when you shut yourself off from me?" He steps toward me. With each step he makes towards me, I step back.

"Well, at least I stayed when you had an episode. I worked through it with you. You promised you'd never leave me again and you  _ran._  You said ' _always_ '. The minute it got a little tough…you…ran…and hid yourself from me. And now you're fu…fucking Delly!" The words slip out of their own free will, wanting to flee the confines of my jumbled mind. I'm sobbing uncontrollably. He's still inching closer to me.

"Katniss…I'm not…fucking anyone. Why would you think something like that?"

"I saw her, Peeta! Leaving the bakery just now. You probably should have, though. You deserve better." I've backed up as far as I can go with the wall behind me. I'm feeling weak and light-headed from all of the crying and hyperventilating. He starts moving towards me again, but I turn and look away from him in spite of how much I want to touch him right now.

"Look, we both broke our promises to each oth…"

I interrupt, shouting and out of control. "I stood by you even when it was risky; when everyone else worried I'd get hurt. I'm so tired, Peeta!"

"Katniss, please hear me. You can't keep doing this to me. I need you to be ALL mine. I don't want to fight ghosts anymore. Not mine. Not yours. It's too tiring. I need  _you_. I need you  _here_. And you need  _me_." It hits me that he's feeling the same thing I felt when my mom checked out on me and Prim. As much as I loved and mourned my dad, I needed her to be present and not wallow in his death. I understand what he's going through now. I respond the only way I know how.

"Then stop asking for permission to love me. Make me yours, Peeta!"

I feel myself losing it. He closes the distance between us as I'm sliding down the wall, my face a defeated mess of tears and frustration. He catches me just before I hit the ground, just like always. He holds me up under my arms, pulls me up and kisses me…hard…with command…not permission. I feel  _life_  seep back into my bones at the first touch of his hands. My rubbery legs find the strength to stand as I grab a handful of that blond hair, pulling him in closer to me.

I missed his touch. I missed his smell. I disengage from his lips and search out the crook between his neck and shoulder. I just want to taste his skin on my lips after so long away. He rakes in a sharp breath as I suck on the spot that drives him crazy. He presses me into the wall with his hips and I feel him growing against my stomach. The reminder of my effect on him makes me moan and gasp into his skin. I'm suddenly conscious of my hands rubbing over the bulge in his pants as he continues thrusting.

I kiss his chest to the limits of his collar, nipping and sucking along the way. And, I'm not being gentle. He shows his approval in hisses and gasps and moans. And those eyes! I've never seen such fire and desire in his eyes before. My usually sweet and gentle Peeta looks like he could eat me alive and the feeling is mutual.

I act on my instincts and rip his shirt open, buttons flying across the floor. I plant kisses all over his beautiful chest and take one of his nipples between my teeth as I trail my hands over his hard abs. My kisses lose their lightness and become harder, certain to leave a souvenir for when he's showering later. The mound of flesh between my thighs clenches involuntarily at the thought of what's awaiting me. Peeta has transformed. His touches have an edge to them that they didn't have before. He's not being careful with me and, quite frankly, I like it!

* * *

**Peeta's POV**

I'm panting between kisses, relieved to be this close to her again and thankful that she's desperately kissing me back. She's  _more_  than kissing me back. Her hands are everywhere, letting me know she missed me; she wants me. I slide my hands along her arms, feeling her soft skin for the first time in days. I grab her wrists and lift them over her head, keeping my lips on hers. She has her back against the wall and is thrusting her hips forward and moaning against my mouth. I reluctantly leave her lips and kiss down the inside of each arm and watch as her eyes darken to match the heaving of her chest.

I slide my hands slowly down her arms, past the sides of her breasts and finally to her hips. I grab her ass and pull her into me, pressing my desire into her front. She whimpers. Our kiss is frantic and hot. I nip her neck and shoulders, certain that I may leave a mark. But, we're past the point of caring about that. We're claiming each other.

I've gone way too long without the feel of her body next to mine. My hands slide lower and fumble for the hem of her dress. I find the soft, smooth skin of her thighs and it's my turn to whimper. I slip my hand into her waistband and rid her of her panties, winning another gasp from her mouth into mine. She takes my hand and places it at her center, directing me to touch her. Everything happens so fast, there's no time for rethinking or regret.

I descend her body and drop to my knees to lift her dress and plant hot kisses on her hips just before I plunge my tongue into her sweetness.  _God, I missed her!_  She throws her head back and grabs a handfull of my hair. I place one of her legs over my shoulder as I taste her until the bulge in my pants becomes unbearable. She looks down at me with darkened eyes, grabs my hair and tilts my head back.

"Please. Come inside me."

I return to her with hot kisses, making her taste herself on my lips. She swiftly seeks out the button and zipper on my pants, knocking them down to my ankles as I stroke my fingers along her soft wetness. The removal of clothing ends there.

"I missed you so much, Peeta."

"You're mine, Katniss!"

I can't wait a second longer to be inside her. I lift her up and plunge into her as she wraps her legs around me, half supported by the wall and my grip on her hips. Our cries as we join are not from pain, but the pure pleasure and relief of the reversed sense of loss we'd both been feeling. She's so wet for me and I'm loving it. I stroke in and out of her desperately, with intention, going much deeper than I ever have. There are tears, and kisses but no gentleness in our lovemaking.

"You  _are_  mine. All mine. Say it!"

"I'm  _all_  yours, Peeta."

"I never want to lose you. Do you want me, Katniss?"

"Always. Don't ever fucking leave me again."

"I won't…EVER."

She throws her head back and lets out a scream like I've never heard before from those beautiful lips. I feel her contract around me, moaning my name and gripping my shoulders. The feel of her soft ass in my hand and her tight wetness around me is my undoing. It's too much for me to stand.

"Katniss…I love you so damn much!" I spill inside her and lean shakily against the wall with my head in the crook of her neck, still supporting us both.

"Hold me." She whispers in my ear. I manage to step out of the shackles of my pants and shoes and walk us over to the sofa. I seat her on it and kneel in front of her. She removes what's left of my shirt and runs her nails along my back, making me gasp. Her dress goes flying across the room, joining the other clothes on the floor. She pulls me in and kisses me with more urgency than she ever has and I feel myself begin to stiffen again. She bites my neck just below my ear making a startled moan form in my chest. She reaches down and grabs me in her hand, working me back and forth.

"No. I want you again."

I take her hands, move them behind her back and pull her in at the waist, making her back arch. I take one breast into my mouth and suck with fervor until she says,

"More."

I lightly scrape my teeth along her nipple, tugging on it just enough to get her attention, but not hurt.

Her scream of "Yes!" feeds my bravado. My heart is racing. All I can see is Katniss, poised on the edge of the sofa with eyes full of desire for me. We're in another space we've not visited up to this point. Passion blocks out everything we've experienced in the last week. Our hands and mouths explore each other, frantically searching for a place to land.

"Oh, God, Peeta…I love you."

I turn her towards the sofa, with her back to my chest, and run one hand along her stomach while the other grabs her left nipple. She leans back into me, connecting our lips over her shoulder. We pant into each other's mouths as my hand slowly descends to stroke between her thighs. I apply pressure as she begins to rock her hips back and forth. Her moans build until she lets out a scream I'm sure we can be heard outside these walls. I plunge my fingers into her to heighten the sensation as she clenches, bathing my fingers in her essence. The sound of Katniss screaming my name causes a tightness in the pit of my stomach that is wonderfully excruciating! She leans back into me for another kiss before I bend her over the sofa at the waist and enter her from behind.

"Katniss…you feel…so good inside. So wet…so tight."

I stroke in and out of her, gripping her hips as I pull her into me. Her hair is cascading over her back, having fallen out of its braid in our escapades. I reach forward with both hands and plunge them into her dark brown tresses, feeling the silkiness between my fingers. She arches her back, making me want to lose my whole entire body inside her. I feel a burning at my core that builds until I explode, collapsing over her back. Breathless.

Our faces meet with me poised over her back. We're both sweaty and out of breath. I suck her bottom lip and she smiles. We silently mouth  _I Love You_  to each other and stare into each other's eyes as we slowly recover. I reach up and grab a blanket from the back of the sofa to throw over us as we collapse on the floor in front of it.

* * *

**Katniss POV**

We lay there, looking into each other's eyes and holding hands. Both of us, I think, afraid to speak first. Finally, he asks,

"Do you feel better now?"

"MmmmHmmm." I say teasingly.

"I don't mean that. Although that was  _amazing._  Mind-blowing!" I take his bottom lip between my teeth and run my tongue along it. He pulls away to speak again

"I meant your sadness."

I search my heart and mind for a couple of seconds and decide that I really do feel much better. I raise up on one elbow to lock eyes with him so that he really feels what I'm about to say. His blue eyes are full of care and concern for me and I feel terrible about my words earlier.

"Peeta, I have so much more clarity now than I had a few days ago. I really do feel better. I'm ready to move on and I want you there every step of the way."

"I loved Prim, too, Katniss. I hope you know that. But I'm tired of fighting her ghost. And I don't think she'd want me to, either." I'm nodding in agreement as he speaks.

"I know she doesn't."

His brow crinkles in confusion "How?"

"She told me." I can tell he's trying not to look at me with a worried expression, so I let him off the hook.

"I had a very long, detailed dream and Prim was in it. It seemed so real! She said I needed to move on. That her soul can't truly be free until I move on. I'm ready to do that now. But, I also think we need to talk about what drove us apart. I think we need to lay it all out in the open and promise to always be honest about how we feel."

I decide to leave the details of my dream for later. I read surprise and happiness in his face. He knows that talking about my feelings is not easy for me. It must be important if I'm initiating it.

"Okay. I'll go first." We sit up and he takes both my hands into his and looks me right in the eye.

"Katniss, I've never been a selfish man, but I need to know that it's you and me against everything. I didn't handle it well when you shut me out. I started having episodes again. Mild at first, but they'd started to worsen. I'm sorry for that. But, my biggest fear is that you'll change your mind about loving me and shut me completely out."

I nod in understanding, but sadness seeps into my heart at knowing that Peeta was doubting my love for him. I take his face into my hands,

"That could never happen." I kiss him gently and continue. "Okay. My turn."

I look at him nervously and chastise myself for suggesting this in the first place. Putting my feelings into words has my stomach queasy, but I know this needs to be done. I love Peeta with all my heart and I want to do right by him.

"Peeta, I trust you more than anyone alive. But I'm not used to trusting. It's new for me. I need to know that if I screw up, you won't run from me. I'm sorry for shutting you out. My biggest fear is that I'm not good enough for you and never will be." He looks surprised.

"Why would you ever think something like that?"

"Haymitch said so a long time ago. ' _You could live a thousand lifetimes and not deserve him._ ' I'd started to think maybe he was right." Peeta looks a little upset now.

"Remind me to kick Haymitch's ass!"

"Gladly. Can I help?" We collapse back onto the pillows in laughter and I drown in those beautiful blue pools. He reaches out to move a strand of hair from my face.

"Katniss, don't ever think something like that again. You're all I've wanted all my life. Trust me enough to know what I want and what's good for me. I'm the one that has to work up to deserving you."

"Shut up. You talk too much." I kiss him like there's no tomorrow. When we break away, I clear my throat.

"Um…I have something to tell you."

"Okay." He says tentatively.

"I slept in Prim's room while you were gone."

He beams at me, eyebrows raised in surprise. "Really? I'm so proud of you, baby." He wraps me in a warm hug that means all the world to me.

"I dreamt that she told me to move on. I meant it when I said I'm ready. I remember what it was like when my mom checked out on us. I hated it. It made me withdraw from her. I never want to put you through that again. You need me here. And I need you. I love you."

"I love you, too." He plants a soft kiss on my lips.

"I just have one question." I tell him.

"Ask me anything."

"Did you ever visit the meadow after we returned from the war?" He looks at me at first with confusion, followed by a look of complete shock.

"How did you know that?"

I take a deep, shaky breath before I begin. "You're not going to believe this."

I proceed to tell him about everything Prim told me in my dream. By the time I'm done, we're holding each other, laughing and crying all at the same time. We cross a bridge that night, in the same way we have done practically everything that matters:  _Together_.

Peeta and I set up camp on the floor, surrounded by pillows and wrapped in blankets for the remainder of the evening. We're like two little kids on a sleep over. I'm now lying on my back with his head resting on my stomach and his arms around my hips. I'm twirling my fingers through his hair as he drifts in and out of a peaceful doze. My stomach starts to growl.

We pull ourselves away long enough to build a fire against the cool spring night air and fix a light meal of Sae's leftover soup, fruit, bread and cheese. We sit by the fireplace in nothing but our bottoms. I'm straddling Peeta's lap as we feed each other bread dipped in soup. Watching the bread pass his lips tickles my insides.  _He fed me bread once._  I eat ravenously since I haven't been eating well the last few days.

"I lost it when I saw Delly coming from the back of the bakery."

"Well, you have her to thank for your brains being all over the floor."

He chuckles. I look at him, not quite understanding what he means.

"You saw her just as she was leaving. I'll get to that in a minute. But, she came by to tell me that she and Thom are engaged." I give him a look of shame for thinking that he was cheating on me with Delly.

"Yeah, I guess my face gave me away and she sensed something was wrong, so she asked and I folded. I hadn't really let myself talk about what was going on between us until then. She told me to get my ass back over here, stop being nice and fuck your brains out." I swat him on the chest in mock disgust.

"No lie! I swear! But, back to why you saw her out back. She left out the back because Thom was walking in and she didn't want him to see her there. According to her, he's insanely jealous of me." I roll off his lap laughing. He looks at me with one eyebrow cocked.

"Why is that so damn funny? I  _did_  steal you from him."

I gather my composure and look at him with new eyes.  _My Peeta does have an ego_! As juvenile as it seems, I'm glad to see that side of him. I return to his lap, wrap my arms around him and stare deeply, seriously into his eyes.

"There was no stealing to be done. I was bought and paid for a long time ago."

* * *

**Peeta's POV**

I awake, still lying on the floor, with the weight of Katniss in my arms. I roll over, eyes closed and plant a kiss on her temple. The shock of Haymitch barging in on us has worn off by now.

_We were lying on the floor in front of the sofa, spent from our passion when the door suddenly burst open. I pulled the blanket tightly around the both of us as Katniss hid her exposed chest against mine. She buried her face in my neck and let out a squeal._

" _Sweetheart, did you ever find Pee…Oh shit! I guess you did. Sorry."_

" _Haymitch! Learn to fucking knock!" I screamed._

" _Well, Lover Boy, when you start knockin' at my house, I'll start knockin' at yours. Carry on!" He left with a slam of the door and a laugh loud enough to wake the geese._

"I'll never let you go again," I tell her. She looks up at me before answering.

"I'm sorry I let you leave. I should've never let you leave."

"I'm sorry, Katniss." I roll over and bring her closer to me so she can get the full meaning of what I'm saying. "You can disappear as often as you want. I'll lie beside you, feed you, rub your back and love you until you're better."

"I'm the one who should be sorry, Peeta. But, if you ever leave me again, I'll hunt you down and drag your ass back home."

I chuckle.

"What's funny?" she asks.

"Nothing. It's just that you said… _home_."  _Easy, Mellark_.

"Well…you practically live here now…kinda makes sense to just move  _all_  your stuff over…you know…make it official…don't you think?" She looks up at me searchingly before taking on a sly smirk. "That way, you can't run away again." She touches my cheek so softly I can barely feel it.

I simply say, "Okay."

My heart swells two sizes larger at the thought of us living together. Although we've been inseparable for nearly a year, with the last week being the exception, making it official is a step forward. It's not the ultimate goal I have in mind, but it makes my dreams for our future seem like more of a reality. I jump up, suddenly remembering the wooden box I'd hidden in her basement.

"I almost forgot! Hold on. I've got something to show you."

I jump up and fish my boxers out of the pile of discarded clothing. I catch Katniss sneaking glances at me and my male pride swings into action once again.

"Where are you going?"

"Not far. Stay right there. It's a surprise." I run down to the basement barefoot and shirtless. I come back shivering, naturally. When I reach the hallway, I stop and yell to her to close her eyes. I set the box and picnic basket down in front of her. I'd packed the basics in the basket ahead of time, and had planned to complete it later with our picnic meal. There is a bottle of wine, an opener, glasses, plates, napkins and one very special item.

"Okay, keep them closed. I have to say something before you open them." Even with her eyes closed, I can tell that she's rolling them in the ' _Really, Peeta?_ ' way. My heart is pounding from nervousness.

"I know Prim's birthday just passed. I'd had a little something planned for us on that day, but…other stuff got in the way. I want you to know that I love you and will do anything to make remembering her easier. I wanted you to start associating good memories with that day, so I thought we could make it a tradition to have a picnic every year on her birthday. I also made a little something for you. Open your eyes."

I keep my eyes trained on her face for any sign of trouble.

"This is a box for you to place anything that was special to her or that reminds you of her. I thought you could keep it in your room near you if you didn't like going into her room. But, I guess that's not an issue anymore. As for the basket, we can use that tomorrow, if you like."

She's looking at what I have laid out in front of her. She's not saying anything, but I see tears starting to glimmer near the edges of her lashes. Her hand rakes softly over the box as she examines it from all sides, her mouth agape. Finally, she looks up at me with tear filled eyes and says,

"It's the most beautiful, wonderful, most spectacular thing I've ever seen. No one's ever done anything like this for me… _EVER_. You make me love you more and more each day, Peeta. Thank you."

We kiss for about the millionth time and she asks, "Will you help me fill the box up tomorrow?"

"I'll do anything you want. We can move the rest of my things over here after that."

We seal the deal with a kiss. "Now, let's pop open that bottle of wine and get drunk."

She sees the tiny velvet box as she reaches in for the wine. My heart races as I feel like I haven't really thought this through yet.

"What's…this?" She removes the box from the basket and stares at me questioningly. I'm so nervous, I'm almost nauseous. I know I have to phrase this right or risk her running from me.

_Dammit, Peeta, she said she was done with that. She loves you._

I search out my confidence again. "Just a little something I picked up. Um…open it."

In it is a round black diamond surrounded by 12 small white diamonds made by a Captiol jeweler that Effie helped me find. She stares at it, speechless, mouth agape.

"Hear me out. Um…I had this whole speech planned, so bear with me. Before the dark days, it was a tradition to give the woman you loved a ring as a promise of marriage some point in the future. She'd wear it on her left hand as a sign to the world that she was spoken for. I know you said not to push it, and I'm not. This is my promise to you that I'll wait for you no matter how long it takes. I don't care if you wear this for four years or forty years before you accept. I want you to know that you always have been and always will be the love of my life. I'm not ashamed to say that I'll wait for you as long as it takes."

I don't know what else to say, I'm so driven by nervousness. So, I just do what I do best: I continue to talk.

"The black diamond represents the coal of the old District 12. The small white diamonds represent the 12 districts that were forced by the Capitol for all those years to offer up their children to the Games. It's a tribute to those who died, and symbol of hope and thankfulness that no more children will ever suffer like we did. You're an extraordinary woman, Katniss, and I thought you needed an extraordinary ring. I knew you'd like something meaningful and not frivolous."

She's just staring at it, turning it over and over in her hands, eyes glistening.

"Katniss, I love you more than anything. And someday, I hope you'll do me the honor of marrying me."

"Peeta, I…I don't know what to say." One tear drops from her left eye.

Oh, shit! I think. I start rambling again.

"You don't have to say anything right now. I just thought…"

"Shhh!" She puts her finger over my lips, takes the ring and places it on the ring finger of her left hand. She takes my hand and leads me over to the hearth where we've set the remains of our dinner. We're still draped by the blankets, the light of the fire flickering in her eyes. She stares into the flames for a couple of minutes before speaking. She slowly turns to me and looks at me as if I just walked into the room from a day away at the bakery.

"Four years. Forty years. How's four minutes, Peeta?"

She takes the bread from the tray and breaks it in half, offering me a portion. I look at her in disbelief.

"Katniss, what are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing, sweetheart?"

"As much as I want this…please don't do this just for me. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

"Peeta. I've never wanted anything more in my life. I know this is right! Please. Trust me enough to know what I want and what's good for me. I love you. I want to be your wife."

Hearing my words repeated back to me makes everything clear. I'm looking at the most amazing woman I've ever met in my life and she wants to be my wife! I grab her face with both my hands.

"Katniss. I love you with all my heart. Will you marry me?"

"No fair! I asked you first." We both laugh and join our lips together. "Yes. Of course, I will. We've been married for some time now, Peeta. In the heart, I mean. I just came to my senses and realized that not getting married isn't going to protect me from getting hurt. I'd be lost without you. Either way."

She extends the bread to me once again as she holds my hand with hers and extends them towards the flame. When the bread is toasted, she eats it from my hand staring longingly into my eyes. We repeat this with her holding the bread and feeding it to me. We both start laughing uncontrollably. She finally grabs me by the neck and pulls me down for a hard, fierce kiss as we fall back on the floor, me on top of her.

"I love you so much!" she whispers tearfully into my mouth. And with that, I'm losing myself inside her for a third time that day. We make love again, right there on the floor of the living room. It's softer and sweeter this time, full of promise.

And after, I tell her, "Hello, Mrs. Mellark."

And she says, "Hello there, Mr. Mellark."

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, yes! Love, sweet Love! We should all be so lucky to find something like this! What can I say? Thanks to all of you for your support up to this point!


	20. Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Effie wins!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything by Lifehouse seems to fit this chapter!

**Katniss' POV**

We eventually make our way up to our bedroom to shower and prepare for bed. I can't stop looking at the ring on my hand. I've never been into jewels. Even the ones that the Capitol provided to complement Cinna's designs sit virtually untouched in my jewelry box. I've only seen them as a form of potential collateral if times should ever get tough financially in the future. But, this! This ring is something special! Designed by the man I love! It's no accident that my two most precious possessions now come from Peeta. My pearl. This ring.

Each time we look at each other, we break out in giggles, not believing that we finally decided to get married. We can't stop declaring our love for each other, over and over again.

"I've got to find another way to say 'I love you'. You must be sick of hearing it." I say to him.

"Took you long enough to say it. I think I can hear it a few million more times." I swat him on the chest, using his playfulness as an excuse to feel him up.

I feel that warm ember growing in my belly once again. But, the human body can only go so far and we gladly drift off to sleep.

The next morning I awake and look down to find Peeta's arms encircling me and our hands interlocked over my torso. My back is pressed up against his chest and we're curled into each other like spoons in a drawer: touching in all the right places. I lay there for a while just smiling like an idiot as I recall the previous night's events. I married Peeta Mellark. And I couldn't be happier! There's no sense of doom or urgency to run and hide. I'm beyond happy. I look down at my hand and admire the way my dark tanned skin looks next to his. I stare at the ring on my finger and am reminded of just how thoughtful Peeta is. It dawns on me just how lucky I am.

He begins to stir, taking in his first awakened breath of the morning. He nuzzles into the back of my neck, sweeping the hair aside with his lips, and plants a soft, wet kiss there. A small moan escapes him as he draws me into him and the energy that we spent last night seems to be returning with a vengeance. The moment his lips touch me, I feel the smoldering in my center. I wriggle my hips again involuntarily as I attempt to press my thighs together to dampen the growing flame.

My movements only result in fanning the flame, much to my content! He plants softer kisses down the crook of my neck and onto my shoulders, moving the strap of my nightgown aside.

"Good morning, beautiful." He moans.

"Good morning, yourself." I say, still not turning over.

"Am I hung over or did you marry me last night?"

"You're definitely hung over and we definitely got married last night." I say with a giggle. I decide to tease him. "Morning after regrets?"

"Never."

His kisses are growing in insistence along with another part of his anatomy. His lips travel the length of my neck and shoulder over and over again until I can't take it anymore and release a deep sigh. Peeta's hand is making its way underneath the hem of my flimsy nightgown, which is hiked up around my waist.

"Mmmmm, my wife."

To be mischievous, I roll my hips against him to see his reaction. He responds by reaching up and tweaking one of my bare nipples, causing me to bite my bottom lip.

"Oh, honey." I moan.

He continues to tease my delicate points with his fingers, rolling and stroking them to hardness. I feel the moisture collect between my thighs as my hunger for him grows out of control. He's kissing and gently biting the back of my neck and shoulders still. His hand finally moves south from its gentle assault, flattening out along my stomach and caressing me further.

"You're so beautiful, Katniss. So passionate and sweet tasting. I just can't resist you. Please let me know if you ever get tired of this." His lips never leave my skin as he says these words and I feel like I'm about to lose my mind. My eyes are clenched shut and I see stars! I'm biting my bottom lip to hold back the embarrassing sounds that want to come out. I say between heaving breaths, "I told you last night…I'm all yours."

He wastes no time sliding his hand down further until it rests just above the waist band of my panties. He uses his flattened hand to pull my torso into his, making my backside press against his hardened erection. I gasp! His hand slides further down and gently strokes my center above my underwear. His fingers are like a whisper over my skin, but the response is electric! I'm bucking my hips to get him to touch me deeper, but he keeps it soft. I feel my panties go slick with moisture as I lose my bearings on everything else going on. I know the sun is shining through the window and the breeze is blowing through the curtains. Somewhere the song of a mockingjay registers in my head, but barely. All I can feel right now is this magnificent man beside me bringing my body to life over and over and over again! Just when I'm about to beg him for more, he slips his hand into my panties and caresses me, skin to skin.

"Oh!" I gasp. "How can I EVER get tired of your touch?"

He continues to stroke me there, causing a burning to build in my belly that warms my entire body against the breeze coming through the window. I feel him remove his fingers, leaving me wanting for the few seconds it takes him to hook his thumb into my panties. He slides them off my hips and uses his foot to push them down the rest of the way. I reach behind us both and signal my desire to remove his boxers by snapping the waist band there. He makes quick work of that barrier between us and returns to kissing my back and nudging his manhood against the backs of my thighs until I say,

"I want to look in your eyes."

I quickly turn over to face him, the man I love. He shifts us both so that I'm on my back and he's hovering over me with his weight on his knees. He reaches down to pull the nightgown over my head and I wriggle in place to help him remove it, the last barrier between us. He looks into my eyes with a longing and love that shakes me to my core. His eyes scan by body.

"You're gorgeous."

His hands practically glide up my thighs to my torso and finally my chest where each one delicately cups a breast and gently massages. I arch my back into his hands as he leans over to kiss me. Our tongues dance hungrily against each other. It's as if we've never kissed before! He leans down and takes one nipple into his mouth, working his tongue softly over its center. He alternates to the other, making my brain go fuzzy. I gather enough clarity and momentum to reverse our positions. He doesn't put up much of a fight when I switch things up, placing me on top of him.

"It's your turn to be adored, Mr. Mellark."

I resume the hot kiss we'd begun, tasting his sweetness. He digs his fingers into my hair and nestles them there, pulling me into the kiss as he tastes my lips and tongue. I slowly work my way to the outline of his jaw.

"You're so handsome, Peeta." He smiles shyly, eyes still burning with fire. I caress the muscles of his chest, shoulders, biceps and forearms. "And so strong…you're one sexy man."

I let my lips follow my hands on a journey all over his body. I leave no patch of skin un-kissed. He tastes like home. I kiss the juncture where his capable thighs meet his hips and he nearly jumps out of his skin. I realize how much Peeta loves to make love to my body and he gets so much pleasure from it. I vow to make time just for him to be loved by my hands. He's so good at taking care of others that he rarely asks me to just take care of him. That's what I aim to do now and forever.

I move my mouth to the silky hardness of his manhood. I lovingly kiss the tip and feel wetness already forming there. Knowing I have this effect on him is empowering. I've gotten better at this part of our lovemaking since that first time in the shower. I know every stroke and every spot that sends him into orbit. I curl my tongue around the tip and suck gently at first. As I go deeper, I increase the pressure as his moans get louder. I feel him expand and stiffen as he reaches down to tilt my face towards him.

"Please. I have to be inside you…now."

Without hesitation I position myself over him and he glides in smoothly, making me feel full and alive! He grabs my hips as I start to move up and down on him, rolling around. His chest is flexing with tension as he supports the movement of my hips with his hands, making him look like a sculpture. "Oh god, Katniss!"

In one swift movement, he takes me by surprise and flips us over again. Without leaving me, he hooks his arms under the backs of my knees and draws them up towards his shoulders, exposing my center to him fully. He's never been this deep before; even more so than last night! I feel vulnerable. But, this is my Peeta. He wouldn't hurt me. I nearly pass out from the pressure building in my core from experiencing this for the first time. He's thrusting into me fast and furious. I scream out, not caring about the open window.

"Katniss, am I hurting you? Is this okay?"

"Oh, yes! Please! Don't stop!"

He leans over and plants a sloppy, open-mouthed kiss on me and that's when I lose all composure. Tears escape my eyes, tears of happiness and pleasure. We scream out in unison as I feel him flex inside me. My body clenches and I feel him go rigid. I feel the release of warmth from by belly to my thighs as I go light-headed. My thighs shake from the ecstatic release. His breath quickens as he relaxes and falls down on top of me, sweaty and spent. He rests his head next to mine on the pillow.

"Katniss Mellark! You're going to kill me!"

"Well, Peeta Mellark. I'd be right behind you because I can't live without you."

We begin our first full day as husband and wife by celebrating the life and the beating of our hearts within our bodies. I have a feeling we'll never tire of making love to each other. Peeta's gentle hands remind me that I'm alive and that there's still more to live for. Afterwards, we shower, dress and head downstairs to prepare breakfast together. Everything we do causes another round of giggles as we catalogue the 'firsts' that are sure to continue throughout the day.

When I prepare the eggs and sausage, I say, "First meal served by me as your wife."

When Peeta washes the dishes afterwards, he says, "My first chore as your husband…complete. How'd I do?"

I move in close to him and look into his eyes suggestively and say, "You missed a spot," and point to my lips. He kisses me deeply and with meaning, making that ever-present spark between us grow. But, I'm the voice of reason this time.

"Hey, I guess we need to tell people! I've got to call my mom!" Just as the words leave my mouth, I get this sickening feeling as I realize Peeta has no family left to share this with. My eyes sadden as I pull him in for a tight hug without warning.

"What's wrong, babe?" He asks me; always concerned about me.

"I just wish your family were here to celebrate this with you. I'd even put up with your mother hating me if it meant you could have them back." Tears are forming in my eyes against my will as I chastise myself for ruining this precious day. Peeta looks at me thoughtfully for a few seconds before speaking.

"Katniss, I accepted a long time ago that I lost my family. Truth be told, I lost them after the 74th Games. They didn't understand me after I came back. My dad did, but I think me having all this money and celebrity made him feel awkward around me. My mom just didn't know what to make of me and my new leg. My brothers tried to be okay with it, but I wasn't the little brother they could tease anymore. I know they loved me. I miss them for sure. But, you're my family now."

"I am! And I'm going to do all I can to fill that place in your life."

He gives me a hug and then says, "Now, we've got to call your mom and then head next door."

We call my mom to tell her the news. She tells us that she's excited and elated, but not surprised. "Sweetheart, I knew you'd make the right decision. Peeta's a wonderful man and I'm glad you didn't let him get away."

I feel ashamed as I think how I almost did. She tells me, "Honey, if you ever feel yourself going into that place, I want you to call me. I'll be on the next train to help you and Peeta through it. Okay?" I agree; knowing she'll be there makes me feel better. I know things are good now, but part of me is terrified to put Peeta through that again. I know now that we'll have help. We head to tell the next most important person in our lives: Haymitch. We find him outside watching his geese eat with a mug of spiked coffee in his hands. We direct him to the porch so we can sit and talk.

"Oh, shit. What is it now?"

We look at each other and I signal to Peeta to do all the talking. "Haymitch," he says as he takes my hand into his. "Katniss and I got married last night."

"Get the…what?!" Although his words convey shock, there's a cheesy grin on his face. "Well I'll be damned! I guess that makes what I saw yesterday all legal then!"

My cheeks redden at the mention of him busting in on us naked yesterday.

"Word to the wise now that you're a married couple.  _Lock your friggin' doors_! We got kids and old people runnin' around here. Might give someone a heart attack!" He looks at us for a reaction and breaks out into raucous laughter.

"I'm just messin' with you kids! Congratulations! I always knew it! I knew it! Come here!" He stands up and gives us a big hug before asking, "Hey, have you told Sae yet?" We shake our heads 'no'.

"Hey, hold on. I wanna come with you. Just let me…uh…freshen my coffee first." He runs inside, leaving us with enough time to share a soft kiss.

We head to Peeta's house, now Sae's house, to tell her and little Maya the news. Maya squeals with delight and asks me where my white dress is. I lift her up, ashamed that I hadn't been spending much time with her, and tell her, "Well, Maya, brides can get married in anything they want."

She looks at me quizzically and asks, "What did  _you_  get married in, Katniss?" I feel the blood rise up from my neck as I look at Peeta and remember that I was wearing absolutely nothing…but a blanket. He responds with the slightest suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows and I fight back a fit of giggles. Haymitch just clears his throat…loudly…and changes the subject.

Sae is beyond happy, but again, not surprised. Peeta assures her that she and Maya can live in his house as long as he's alive; and that he starts moving his things to my place today. She asks us something that we hadn't thought about up to this point. "So, is it official? Did you file a license at the Justice Building?"

Peeta and I look at each other, feeling like dumb kids and realizing that we were just caught in the moment of our love. "Well, no. But we had a toasting and look." I stick out my hand to show them the ring.

"Well, that's all great kids, but the laws have changed in Panem. A toasting used to be enough for folks like us. Now there's so much movement of people from district to district, you've got to file a marriage license with the Justice Building to make it official. Just for the legality of it is all."

I look at Peeta and we shrug our shoulders. "We can take care of that before we go on our picnic today, right Peeta?" He nods.

We head inside to call Effie, Gale, Johanna and Annie. We, not surprisingly, talk to Gale and Johanna at the same time as she's visiting…again. They are both happy for us. I'm taking note how no one, but me, is surprised about our marriage. Annie squeals laughter into the phone and breaks down in tears when the subject turns to her and Finnick's wedding back in District 13.

But, it's the conversation with Effie that sets the tone for the rest of the day.

"So, you had your wedding without inviting me?" she asks from the speaker phone.

"No, Effie. We had a toasting." I try to do my best explaining the ritual to her.

"Well, while that…primitive…tradition is very…uh sweet, that just will not do for Panem's Favorite Couple! You cannot tell me you don't want a proper wedding, Katniss!"

"Effie, I don't need a big wedding. I got what I wanted. I want Peeta. Nothing else matters. We're going down to the Justice Building to file the papers today."

"You'll do no such thing!  _Peanut-butter-and-jelly_!" We all silently roll with laughter at her attempt at expletives.

"Haymitch, talk some sense into them! Please! Peeta?! You put a lot of effort into that beautiful ring and it deserves a ceremony. Katniss, we must have a wedding!"

We all silently chuckle at each other. Peeta sees the turmoil on my face and just whispers, "Let's just do it. It'll make everyone happy and give them a reason to come visit. We'll even send Plutarch a couple of photos."

I look in his eyes and realize the thought of being on display no longer makes me nervous, because he's here.

Effie continues, "If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your mother and your friends. Cinna would be so proud to know that you wore one of those lovely dresses he designed for you. Oh, Katniss, I can  _help_  you if you're nervous about that sort of thing! I organized some of the best weddings in the old Capitol! Just…let me help…it's my wedding gift to you." The mention of Cinna's name is all I need to make up my mind.

"Okay, Effie. Let us pick a date and get back with you."

"Splendid! Ohhh! I can't wait! We're having a wedding! All I need is three days' notice and I'll be there ready to go! I should only have to be there for about a week before the ceremony. We can plan everything else over the phone. Wonderful! Oh, and congratulations!" We discuss my ring and how she helped Peeta with it for a few minutes before she hangs up, issuing love and smooches all around. We all look around at each other after I disconnect the line and break out in laughter.

Haymitch says, "So, when  _does_  Hurricane Effie descend upon New Phoenix? I need to make sure I'm good and liquored up."

Sae just shakes her head and says, "Lord, I guess that woman will have to stay here with me. She can't stay with you two honeymooners. And she sure as hell can't stay at the cesspool next door." She eyes Haymitch who just shrugs his shoulders and drinks his er…coffee.

Peeta and I excuse ourselves and begin carrying a few of his clothes over to our new home. I'm filled with excitement to have him become such a permanent, solid part of my life! We drop off his things and restock the picnic basic, vowing to unpack when we return.

We stop by the bakery to inform Peeta's employees, River and the new girl, Charla. They shoo us out the door, assuring the boss that they have things under control. We head to the meadow to begin this new life together in the best way possible.

* * *

**Peeta's POV**

It's early spring and the meadow is in full bloom. There's still a winter chill in the air, but it's tempered by the sun peeking directly through the fresh green branches of the trees. I think back to all the times I've visited this meadow. Life has taken on a surreal quality as of late. This was a place of solace and healing after I returned from treatment. I'd come here to cry and pray and ask why Katniss was so unresponsive to me. I dealt openly with the demons of my childhood, allowing myself to cry as loudly as I wanted as no one would hear me here. No one was around to worry that I had finally lost my mind for good out here in the meadow. This is where Katniss and I began to reconnect after I returned from District 4. This is where we spent some lazy summer days and balmy fall afternoons after we started seeing each other. And now, I'm bringing her here as my wife. And I do consider her my wife as of this day no matter what's written on a license. Knowing the connection this place has to her childhood and our healing makes it all the more special to me.

We spread out our blanket and sit down facing each other.

"You know what? I think we should get married right here at the meadow, Katniss."

"Peeta, we're already married. Don't even think about rescinding that offer!"

"You know what I mean." I reach my hand up and tweak her nose playfully. "Okay then…we should hold our  _ceremony_  here. It's perfect. We have a lot of good memories here."

"Yeah, you're right. I feel close to my dad here. This is where my dream of Prim took place. And you have a connection here, too." She holds my gaze, but we haven't spoken about what Prim revealed to her in her dream since she told me. I'm still amazed that it was so dead on! If I hadn't seen some of the things I have in my life, I'd be totally spooked out. But, I'm strangely not. Having seen so much death and destruction makes receiving messages from those long passed cathartic, healing and reassuring.

She looks at me expectantly. "What about a date? I want to do it as soon as possible. I'm ready to start my life with you."

Even though I know Katniss doesn't regret what we did last night, it makes me feel good to hear her finally say things like that. "Well, Effie said she needs about 3 days' notice and would need to be here for about a week. The soonest we could do it would be in 10 days."

"Oh! Peeta, your birthday's in 2 weeks. Why don't we do it then? It'll be perfect!"

"My birthday? Guess it's as good a day as any."

"And I promise not to cheat you on the anniversary and birthday gifts. You'll always get both!"

"And I promise not to ever forget our anniversary!" She tackles me, making me fall back on the blanket. We kiss and I swear I hear mockingjays sing. We dine on our picnic meal and strawberry lemonade, rejoicing in being with each other without distraction. Afterwards, we just lie there in each others' arms, soaking in the sunshine and listening to our hearts beat. Katniss sits up and pulls the tribute book, Victors and Veterans, from the basket.

"What's that for?" I ask.

"I just thought we'd look through it. It's a special day."

She thumbs through the book as I doze off in the sun.

"Peeta?" I hear her voice break through just as I'm drifting away.

"Hmmm?"

"I'd like to say something to your family." I open my eyes with a start.

"What…what do mean? To my family, Katniss?"

"I'm so thankful to have you in my life and this is such a special day for us. I know you've dealt with their passing, Peeta, but I just have to feel some connection to them because I love you so much. I know they'll hear me." She stands up signaling for me to stand also. I join her and she takes my hand with one of hers and grabs the book with the other.

"Come on. I want to show you where I meditate when I come out here. When you were away in District 4, this was my healing place."

We walk around to the left side of the lake where some of the fallen trees are still on the ground. I'm speechless because I'm in awe. Being with her has taught me so much about myself. People assume I'm the strong, capable one. But, they don't know Katniss and the depth she has. When we reach a large fallen tree, we straddle it facing each other. She takes the book in both of her hands and instructs me to close my eyes. She starts to read from the pages.

"Errol Mellark. You were from a long line of bakers. You were a sensitive child who brought home stray animals repeatedly and often gave away your lunch to hungry children from the Seam. Being a father came naturally to you, earning you the respect of your sons and practically every citizen in District 12. You took pride in your boys, praising them especially when they were kind and self-sacrificing. You visited me after the first reaping to bring me cookies, even though, at the time, you thought I'd be competing against your son in the arena. Had I known that I'd someday love your son so much, I'd have given you a longer hug and a proper 'thank you' for raising someone like Peeta Mellark. You excelled at baking, your chosen craft. The children in town delighted in the smile you gave them when they entered the bakery for they felt welcomed. You imparted those same qualities in your sons and that is why I'm sitting here with one of them now, as his wife. It's your qualities within him that make me love Peeta so much! I only wish I'd gotten to know you as your daughter-in-law. Thank you for the cookies you brought to me after the reaping. Thank you for being an example of a real man to your sons. Thank you for Peeta."

Tears dance behind my eyes, but I keep them closed. I'm overwhelmed that she took the time to do this for me and wants to include my family in this day, the happiest of my life.

"Millicent Mellark. You were known as a perfectionist from childhood. You were always a good student, excelling at practically every subject in school. You always wanted the best for your family, encouraging your children to excel in school and business endeavors. You are the reason that Mellark's Bakery started to turn a profit for the first time practically since it opened. Your management of the books kept your family from starving. Your boys always respected you. Peeta still lines his shoes up straight in the closet and folds his clothes neatly on the chair before going to bed. He always double knots his shoe laces and even his studio is neat as a pin. I'm the slob in this relationship. I believe Peeta gets his work ethic from you. He never disappoints a customer, except for that one time we got carried away doing naughty stuff. Thank you for having a third child, because I'd be lost without him."

I can't help but laugh through my tears. "Did you really write that in the book?"

"Shhhh, Mellark. I'm not done yet. And yes, I'm adlibbing a bit." She continues.

"Bing Mellark. You were two years older than Peeta and me. I remember you in school as one of the smart, serious types; always willing to tutor someone if they didn't catch on to a subject. You especially liked tutoring the pretty girls. Of the three Mellark boys, you were known to be the most like your mother. You had a reputation for being a trusted friend who never betrayed a confidence and to be always fair. You were student president of your senior class and graduated valedictorian. You were the first Mellark sibling to be interested in wrestling, inspiring your two younger brothers to pursue that sport. You were second only to your mother in keeping the bakery books, making sure they were accurate. Thank you for inspiring Peeta's sense of honesty and responsibility."

"And last, but certainly not least is Barley Mellark. Barley, I got to see your antics first hand in school. You were always a jokester, but your pranks were never mean-spirited. They were designed to make people laugh with happiness. You enjoyed all in life that was good and beautiful. You excelled at practically every sport you undertook, especially wrestling. You gave Bing a real run for his money, surpassing his total wins. You were known to have a big heart and a way with words. Like your father, you often brought home stray animals and were known to sneak bakery treats to those who couldn't pay when your mother wasn't looking. You even slipped a couple to my sister, Prim. I believe you were the closest to Peeta, much like a best friend. Thank you for being his confidant when he needed one. And thanks for all the dirty magazines you let him look at secretly. They eventually came in handy."

By the time she's done, I'm alternating between sobs of sorrow, tears of joy and laughter. I have no words to express the gift she gave to me. I look at this woman in front of me in wonder. I know how hard it is for her to speak from her heart.

"I'm speechless. And I love you…so so much! Thank you."

* * *

**Katniss' POV**

Peeta holds onto me on that fallen tree like his life depends on it. He's made bearing his pain look so easy that those of us who love him even forget sometimes how much he's been hurt. I'm crying for the loss but also for the happiness. I'm happy that I finally woke up to see how  _amazing_  he really is!

"Peeta, when we celebrate Prim's birthday each year with a picnic, I want to celebrate all of those we've lost; especially your family. You're the most important person in my life and they are connected to you. I love them and I didn't even really know them. Please know that you can talk to me about them. Tell me funny stories of things that happened at the bakery. Trust me with the things that were probably a family secret until now. I don't want you to carry that alone."

He looks at me with watery eyes and nods his head, still unable to speak.

"For once, I've rendered Peeta Mellark speechless!" And with the fit of laughter that follows, our emotions are returning to a normal state. As close to normal as we'll ever be.

On the way home, we stop at the bakery to strategize how we're going to get a marriage license without alerting the Capitol before we're ready. They'll find out soon enough, but Peeta and I don't want them to know before the ceremony. Having River inquire about the process is too risky as people associate him with Peeta. We abandon that idea. And I have no close friends besides Peeta, Sae and Haymitch. Peeta perks up.

"I have an idea. But, you have to be 100% on board with it."

"What is it?"

"Delly and Thom."

"Hell, no! No way, Peeta! Have you lost your mind?!"

"Katniss, Delly's totally over all that other drama. She's got Thom now. He's the mayor! They're engaged! They know the process. They can help us get the license…secretly."

Those last words grab my attention. I let out a frustrated moan before saying, "Oh, alright! But if this backfires, Peeta Mellark, you're sleeping on the couch!"

River chuckles and says, "Damn! Not even married 24 hours and she already sounds like a wife!"

The cheese bun just barely misses his head.

We walk, holding hands, over to the Justice Building and ask to see Thom.

"Please tell him that Peeta and Katniss are here," we tell the attendant.

When we explain our situation to Thom, he's more than willing to help. Partly because he really is a nice guy even if he is a little pompous. But, part of it is that he gets off on being in the inner circle of the Victors and the Rebellion and all the celebrity. I'm no fool. But, if he can help make this happen, I'll put all things aside. We swear him to secrecy and he promises to deliver the license to the ceremony and sign it in person on April 4th, Peeta's 21st birthday. He agrees to produce it and file it personally to avoid any leaks to the Panem press. When we leave, I look sheepishly at Peeta and say,

"I guess that means we need to invite Delly to the wedding." He just laughs and pulls me into his side with a kiss. We head home to call Effie with the good news. We finish moving all of his things into my place that same day. Everything.


	21. The Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What we've all been waiting for.

**Peeta's POV**

Katniss and I spend the rest of our first day as a married couple organizing my clothes and personal items and cleaning out Prim's room. All of my baking and painting equipment are already at her place, so it doesn't take us long.

Cleaning Prim's room proves to be emotional for both of us. Katniss retrieves special items to place in the wooden box I made for her. Prim's favorite ribbons, a picture of her with Lady, a ball of yarn she made for Buttercup, as well as other special things go into the box. We order a new comforter and curtains from one of the Capitol catalogues and I promise to paint the room as soon as the wedding is over. She boxes up a few items to send to her mother in District 4. When we're done, we call Iris to tell her what we'd done. She and Katniss share a cry over the phone as I hold her in my lap, rubbing her back to sooth her. She has no idea how proud I am of her.

Effie arrives by the end of the week, as prompt as ever, wearing a conservatively cut but bright pink suit. "Pink is the new black," she says. She's still the Effie we remember, but without all the garish, over-the-top, Capitolesque makeup. Over tea, we tell her about our arrangements. She refuses to stay at Sae's, using our short timeframe to plan the wedding as the reason.

"We don't have much time to pull this off. I will need as much access to Katniss as I can get."

She immediately moves into Iris' old room and takes over our home,  _our home_ , with all kinds of samples and swatches and books. She takes serious issue with Katniss and me living together.

"It's a little unorthodox for the groom to have so much…um…access…to the bride this close to the wedding. It's just not proper."

"Effie, we told you,  we're already married! It's okay of we sleep together."

"Nonsense! That little ritual, although touching, was simply not a  _wedding._  It's just not right!"

She suggests I move out for the week. But, I flat out refuse to move in with Haymitch, even for an hour. Drinking with him is one thing; living with him is not negotiable. And since we went through all the trouble to move my things over, it just wouldn't make sense to move back to Sae's. She's pissing me off. When I cross my arms and stare her down, Effie gets the message. I'm not budging. It's Katniss who's the peacemaker this time, pulling me into the kitchen for a private conversation.

"Excuse us a minute, Effie." Once we're behind closed doors, she wraps her arms around my waist and traps my folded arms between our bodies.

"Katniss, she can't just come in here and treat us like the two stupid kids we used to be."

She looks up at me adoringly with those captivating eyes. She can be surprisingly sweet when she wants to talk me into something. No one else would ever guess that about her, and I love that only I get to see it.

"Peeta," She says sweetly. "You went along with this whole idea. We only have a few days to get through this. Those were your words. Let's just let her have her way this one last time."

I'm still rigid. "I can't believe I'm the one being obstinate and you're the voice of reason." She looks at me imploringly and I can't refuse her anything, so I start to cave. "I guess it's okay. It won't kill me to move into Prim's old room. But that's as far as I'll compromise. I hate being away from you." She gives me a soft kiss that succeeds in loosening my arms from across my chest and they find their way to her waist. "But, can I at least sneak over to our bed at night?"

"Peeta Mellark, as loud as you walk you can't sneak anywhere."

"Well, Katniss Mellark, if my footsteps don't wake her, your screaming will." She smacks my chest playfully. I respond by smacking her on her butt and letting my hand linger there.

"Well now I'm going to have to punish you for that comment," she says seductively. I pull her in and give her a kiss she won't soon forget. When we come up for air, she says, "Besides, I think it would be a good idea if we…stay away from each other until the ceremony."

"No! Why?" I shout-whisper.

"Well…" she takes my bottom lip between her teeth and strokes it with her tongue. "…I like it when you miss me. You get all…desperate and…urgent...so sexy. Besides, you're right. I don't think I could keep my screams down. We can't do that to poor Effie."

"Poor Effie, my ass."

"Come on. Be a good boy. I'll make it worth your while on our wedding night…second wedding night."

I take a deep breath partly from frustration and partly because she's robbing my brain of oxygen. "Oh, alright. But, if you expect me to walk back in there and talk to her in the next few minutes, you'd better stop kissing me like that. I have a situation brewing here."

We reluctantly return to the living room where Effie sits looking through swatches of sheer fabric. When we tell her what our plan is, that I'll move into Prim's old room, she simply says, "Oh, well. You two have always been unorthodox, so I guess it will be okay. But, you're not allowed to see her in her dress before the ceremony, Peeta!"

"Effie, where in the world do you get these rules? Do you make this stuff up?"

"Tradition, Peeta. Tradition! Now, be a dear and help me move some boxes from the basement to Katniss' room. We need to go through all of Cinna's dresses to pick one. Why don't you go occupy yourself with…something. You'll just get in the way."

I give Katniss a look that signals how much she's starting to get on my nerves. She gives me a sheepish smile and a thumbs-up before I kiss her on the forehead and become Effie's pack-mule. After I'm done, I head to the bakery to begin planning our wedding cake with River and Charla's help.

I return home later that evening to have dinner at Sae's, along with Katniss, Haymitch and Effie. I can't believe how calm Katniss is. I keep looking for signs of fright or flight and none are on her face. She's actually glowing and rather serene! It just makes her more beautiful and makes me wish that Effie had stayed at Sae's.

* * *

**Katniss' POV**

The process of picking the dress doesn't take long at all. My breath is stolen away by an exact replica of the dress I wore on stage before the Quarter Quell; the very one that morphed into a mockingjay. Apparently, Cinna designed my rebellion-stirring stage dress to match the one the public had selected in their voting. It was his last act of defiance against the Capitol and his last show of support for me. His words echo in my head as if it was just yesterday.  _I'm still betting on you_. Tears quickly well in my eyes as I look at Effie, who has her hands clasped over her chest. She's breathing heavily as a tear rolls down her cheek.

"Oh, Cinna!" is all she can manage to say as she dabs away at her smearing makeup.

"Effie! This is it! No need to look any further."

The dress is made of breathy white silk, almost gossamer, with a low neckline, tight waist and sleeves that fall from my wrists to the floor. Pearls are stitched loosely around the neckline of the dress and my veil. The bodice is tightly fitted to accentuate the deeply exaggerated neckline which has a sheer trimming on the outer edge so it's not as revealing. The sleeves of the gown are flowing and open. The upper arm is fitted with a seam running down the arm, and begins to become looser at the elbow. When Effie and I recover, we smile at each other. We put away all the other dresses and shove the boxes into my closet.

"I think I'll donate these to the dress shop for other brides. That way Cinna's work lives on and doesn't just rot away in my basement."

We sit silently together on the edge of my bed, lost in thought for a while before either of us can move. We spend the rest of the afternoon ironing out the other wedding details. We call friends and family who have been given assignments and duties to perform during the wedding. The bouquet I'll hold will be stocked with primrose, rue, katniss flowers, and dandelions, to represent my love for Peeta.

Gale, Haymitch and River spend most of the last two days before the wedding down at the meadow setting things up. Peeta offers to help, almost insists, but they send him away. My prep team is to arrive the morning of the wedding to prepare Peeta and me. The plan is for Peeta and me to arrive at the meadow on horseback. Haymitch will give me away and Thom will officiate. All of the activity over the next week causes time to fly by at an accelerated speed. At the same time, it creeps by because I miss Peeta so much. I breathe and meditate to relax and rejoice in the moment and having all of the people I love present for now.

* * *

**THE WEDDING - On Peeta's 21st Birthday**

**Katniss' POV**

On the day of the wedding, everyone runs around in a frenzy getting dressed and preparing for their roles. There comes a period when everyone is heading to the meadow to take their places and a hush falls over Victor's Village. I'm alone in my room, having had some time with my mom, Effie and Haymitch individually; all of them wishing me luck before heading next door to do the same with Peeta. I'm all dressed and ready to marry my Peeta. I'm wearing my hair loose instead of in its signature braid. It's pulled back in the front to expose my face and cascades down my back, complementing my dress. My prep team has loosely sewn little pearls into the crown of my hair and applied makeup that gives a sheer shimmer to my skin, giving off a fairy-like quality. I've never considered myself delicate, but I certainly appear that way today.

I hear a mockingjay outside my window and wander over to get a closer listen. On a whim, I call out to it with Rue's whistle. It responds. Then I look up and see that Peeta, whom I haven't laid eyes on all day, is right across from me in the open window of his old bedroom. We stand there, looking at each other. Even with the distance between us, the connection is so strong! It's almost as if I can reach out and touch him. What we share simply takes my breath away. I forget Effie's admonition about him seeing me in my dress. I don't care! I can't wait to be in his arms! I want to feel him next to me and never to be separated again. I raise my left hand, touch the three middle fingers to my lips and blow him a kiss. He dramatically, as only Peeta can do, catches it and presses it to his lips. I feel the tears start already. Although he's already mine, sharing it with the world and all of our loved ones multiplies every emotion times a thousand. I would have been happy without a wedding, but I'm so happy we did this! I make a mental note to thank Effie.

Peeta is to arrive at the meadow on horseback before I do. He gives me a small promise-filled wave before heading out. I watch out the window as he exits the back door to mount the horse that will take him to the meadow. I feel as close to a princess on this day as I'll ever be. I'm so engrossed in looking at my handsome, strong husband that I startle slightly when I hear a small knock on my door. It's Haymitch.

"You ready, sweetheart?" I turn to look at the man who has become more of a father to me than a mentor. The fact that he's here for us on this most important day in our lives is no accident. He's still looking out for us.

"I can't wait another minute to be with him, Haymitch," I say as I turn to face him. He walks over to me and takes my hands into his, looking into my eyes seriously.

I think about the irony of it all. Here we are: me, Peeta and Haymitch. He's once again playing mentor and life guide to us. He's leading us into a place where we will put our love on display in front of an audience of a different kind. The outcome will be different. Peeta and I will go in together and come out together. But the cheers will take on a whole different meaning from the ones we received in the Capitol.

"Katniss. What I said…a long time ago about you not deserving him. I was wrong. I was too stupid to see that you both love differently. I think you tried not to love him for a long time; but you always did. You two are so  _right_  for each other. Your love for each other practically comes through your pores. Never let that go! It gives us all hope to see you prevail and come out on top. I'm glad you decided to do this today. I'm honored to be a part of this and to be a part of your lives. Just know that you can count on me for anything. Just ask. I'll send a parachute."

I don't respond. I just hug him and hold on for dear life, tears threatening to ruin the makeup I could never redo myself. We walk downstairs silently where we'll mount our horse together. I sit in front, side-saddle at Effie's insistence. Haymitch sits behind me and makes sure I don't fall off and ruin my dress. We ride the horse at a gentle stride to the meadow.

When we arrive, my mother is standing underneath a flowered archway constructed just for this day. She helps me down and takes my hand while Haymitch mounts our horse next to the one Peeta rode in on. Then he joins us, placing me between him and my mom. She looks at me proudly and plants a kiss on my cheek.

The chairs are decorated with sprays of flowers to match my bouquet. We requested that there be no middle aisle amongst the chairs as all of Peeta's and my family are one. We approach the altar from the side.

For a second I allow myself to scan the crowd. There's Effie, Annie, Little Finn, Gale, Johanna, Sae and Maya on the front row. I also see Hazelle, Rory, Vick, Posy, River and Charla sitting together. Delly, Dr. Patin and my prep team wave excitedly to me. The other faces are a blur because it's at that moment that I catch sight of Peeta waiting at the altar for me. He looks elegantly handsome in a black tuxedo with a katniss flower tucked into his lapel. Our eyes meet and all of the butterflies disappear. The rest of the world slides away as our souls melt together across the distance.

Johanna rises when she sees us and takes a seat located near the altar. She begins to play an old familiar tune on her guitar: The Meadow Song. Our friends and family begin to sing along. This, I was not prepared for and I begin to weep uncontrollably. They continue to sing as I make my way tearfully to Peeta.

_Deep in the meadow, under the willow_

_A bed of grass, a soft green pillow_

_Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes_

_And when again they open, the sun will rise._

_Here it's safe, here it's warm_

_Here the daisies guard you from every harm_

_Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true_

_Here is the place where I love you._

_Deep in the meadow, hidden far away_

_A cloak of leaves, a moonbeam ray_

_Forget your woes and let your troubles lay_

_And when again it's morning, they'll wash away._

_Here it's safe and here it's warm_

_And here the daisies guard you from every harm_

_And here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true_

_Here is the place where I love you._

By the time I reach the altar, Peeta and I are both in tears. We take each other's hands and lock eyes. Even Thom's voice falters as he brings everyone to attention and begins the ceremony. He turns to the audience.

"We are gathered here to witness the union of Peeta Mellark and Katniss Everdeen, two individuals who have fought bravely for this country and who have fought their way back to each other. The bride and groom have prepared vows they'd like to share before you. "

Peeta turns to me, an unexpected nervousness in his eyes. I find it adorable that we're already married and he's still nervous about doing this. He begins.

"Katniss Everdeen, I've loved you for most of my life. From the first time that I saw you, I knew there was no one else in this world for me. When you step into the room, the air changes around me. The pattern of my breath changes. I learned, watching you from afar, that not only are you beautiful, but you're fearless, fierce, kind and passionate. Your strength and sacrifice for those you love only made me love you more. Your faith and trust in me make me stronger and a better man. You're my bright spot on my most desolate days. Every action I undertake has you at the center of it. You're the force that drives me forward. In spite of all that we've been through, knowing that I get to spend the rest of my days coming home to you makes it all worthwhile. I loved you then. I love you now. I'll love you always.

Then it's my turn. I find that I'm as uncharacteristically calm in my vows as Peeta is uncharacteristically nervous in his.

"Peeta Mellark, You are my hero. I've never considered myself a damsel in distress. But, you've saved me in more ways than you know. You taught me that love is not a weakness, but gives us strength. You make me want to try harder for you because you  _are_  the best person I know. My friend. My ally. My victor. My confidant. My lover. Now, my husband. But, most importantly, you're my soul mate. I know we were meant to be. Your strength, your kindness and selflessness towards others has opened my eyes and made  _me_  a better person. Feeling your arms around me makes feel safe and protected. Everything, even the worst thing, is made better just by your presence. Nothing can frighten me when you're near me. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life making you happy. Always."

I hear sobs and whimpers from the audience, but don't dare look at anyone except my Peeta. He's all that exists in this moment. Thom resumes the ceremony.

"We will now have The Sharing of the Rings."

Peeta and I exchange simple white gold bands with the pattern of mockingjay wings inscribed around the outside; compliments of Effie. I place mine alongside the beautiful ring he gave me a couple of weeks ago.

"By the power vested in me, under the seal of the President of Panem, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now share your Unifying Kiss."

* * *

**Peeta's POV**

As I lean in for the kiss, I notice for the first time the perfect pearl draped on a white gold chain around her neck. I look into my wife's eyes questioningly. "Is this the same pearl?" She nods enthusiastically with a wide grin on her face.

I lean my forehead against hers and let out a shaky sigh, overcome with all the emotions of the day. "You kept it all this time." Then we share the most passion-filled kiss we've ever shared in front of a room full of people. It's not until I hear Haymitch clear his throat loudly that I realize how long we've been at it. Thom looks at us, fighting back a grin.

"Ladies and gentlemen. I present to you Peeta and Katniss Mellark: two true victors. Their love has triumphed over all. Congratulate the happy couple."

We turn to our family and raise both our hands clasped together in the same way we did when we first rode that chariot into the square at the Capitol. As we walk down the aisle, everyone is on their feet clapping and crying. The flood of tears, giggles, hugs and kisses sweep Katniss and me apart momentarily and I'm left feeling cold without her by my side.

Effie announces, "Everyone. Attention everyone. We'll be celebrating the reception in the Great Hall at the Justice Building in the center of town. I hope you all can join us."

Katniss and I ride to the Justice Building together on horseback. Haymitch gallantly offers a ride to Iris the other steed, leaving me questioning what's up with that. As Katniss and I ride, she keeps turning around to steal kisses until I nearly guide the horse into a ditch.

"Okay, Katniss. Behave."

"I miss you. I can't wait to be alone with you."

I see as we enter the Great Hall that Effie really outdid herself with the reception. It is immaculately decorated in the same theme as the meadow, complete with all the finery of the old Capitol. I don't know where she was able to gather so many rue, primrose, katniss and dandelions. But, the woman has connections that go very deep. So deep, I'm afraid to ask. On the menu are all of our favorites, including lamb stew, chilled shrimp, cheese buns, even the same cookies my dad gave to Katniss after the reaping as well as Prim's favorite iced cookies. There's even a hot chocolate fountain, along with other Capitol-worthy delicacies. The wedding cake that River and I made, decorated with candied versions of the wedding flowers, occupies a table in the center of the room. How she pulled this off in a week, I'll never know. But, I'm willing to forgive her for being a pain when I see everyone enjoying themselves.

In front of the fireplace, there's a beautifully decorated table which holds a glass-covered loaf of raisin nut bread, the same kind that brought Katniss and me together on that rainy day. She'd asked River a couple of days ago to make it, but I wasn't entirely sure what she needed it for. She quickly told me to butt out when I asked. I'm not sure what the purpose of the bread is, as we've already done our toasting privately. As I move in closer, I notice that the bread is divided into small pieces and surrounded by shiny, metal skewers. On either side of the bread is a pot of melted cheese and melted chocolate, for dipping.

Our guests revel in the food and the music as Katniss and I watch from our perch at the wedding table. We lean into each other, whispering I-love-yous and stealing kisses. Occasionally we giggle when we see Delly parading Thom around the Great Hall like he was the prize turkey at a county fair. We whisper in each other's ears about the things we want to do when we get home, eliciting deep red blushes from the other.

"You'll have plenty enough time to rip her clothes off later, Mellark. Get your ass out on the floor and dance!" It's Johanna with Gale trailing closely behind. For just a second, I catch a look on his face that I cannot place or categorize. Resignation? Regret? I can't tell. But, it only succeeds in making me feel luckier to be the man in her life. I know now that we were always meant for each other. There was never a choice between me and Gale. At least, not in Katniss' mind. In his. Who knows?

Gale looks at me, slaps one hand on my shoulder and extends the other for a shake.

"I would say ' _Take good care of her_ ', but I know I don't have to. Congratulations, man."

I return the shake and tell him, "Thanks, Gale." Katniss and Johanna look on as if they're holding their breath. But, Gale lightens the moment by asking, "What are you two gawking at?"

After some idle chit-chat and insults from Johanna, she and Gale challenge us to a duel on the dance floor. Once there, we forget all about the competition and only see each other. I wrap myself around Katniss even on the fast dances, looking for any excuse to touch her. Then the song that was played the night of the Phoenix Festival comes on; the very one we danced to on her front porch after she told me she loved me. That's when we forget that there's anyone else in the room. Her arms are wrapped around my neck as I lean down into her with my arm around her waist. She periodically strokes the hair on the back of my neck, her signal to me that she'd like to be kissed. I lose myself in her mouth, stroking my tongue along her bottom lip, tasting her sweet breath. She slowly opens up, forgetting about the crowd, and our kiss goes deeper. We're still swaying to the music when she pulls away and says,

"I married you twice in two weeks. That should make up for me taking so long, huh?"

"I don't know. I can think of a few other ways for you to make up for it."

"Mmmm, Mr. Mellark. Quite the negotiator. Are you a fair trader?"

"How about a thousand kisses in exchange for a thousand years by your side?"

"Well, with a proposal like that…" she kisses me again and speaks against my lips, "…it'll be difficult to tell who comes out on top." I let out a barely audible moan at the implications in our banter. We haven't made love and have barely kissed since Effie's been in town. She perks up in the middle of our kiss.

"I almost forgot! Happy birthday, love!"

"The happiest." I place my forehead on hers and pull her in closer to me, not caring who's looking, when Haymitch comes up and taps us on the shoulders.

"That's a sure sign that it's time to get this party on the road. I'd like to get everyone's attention to say a few words before you rip her clothes off and mount her right here on the dance floor."

I react in just enough time to grab Katniss and pull her back before she lunges at Haymitch. The scowl on her face could melt the mockingjay ice sculpture directly across from us. She says between clenched teeth,

"I swear, Abernathy, if I weren't wearing a dress I'd rip your friggin' head off and shove it up your…"

But, I stop her words with another kiss. She still hasn't learned that Haymitch gets a big kick out of setting her off. He turns away from us with a laugh that resonates throughout the hall. He walks over to the table, grabs a wine glass and proceeds to tap on it with a fork.

"Excuse me folks. May I have your attention, please? I'd like to say a few words before these lovebirds ride off into the sunset and leave us here to party the night away. If you will indulge me, I'd like to get this off my heart before the liquor kicks in."

Of course, everyone chuckles. Haymitch, in spite of his problems, has always been adept at commanding a crowd. It's a rarely used gift of his. He grows serious and begins to address us and the crowd.

"What strikes me most at this moment is how I met these two. They were two innocent 16-year olds who I had to prepare for…eminent death. Needless to say, we got off to a rocky start. Some of you might say that I'm crazy for saying this now. But even in my drunken state back then, I knew one of you would be a game-changer. I didn't know how. I didn't know which one. I looked at this over-eager boy and the girl with the constant scowl and thought " _Which one of them can I turn into a winner?_ " It wasn't until Peeta approached me with his proposal that I knew which one. You see, it was  _always_  supposed to be Katniss. It  _had_  to be! Hell, he  _insisted_  on it! I was faced with this boy so full of love and  _selflessness_  that he offered up his life for the girl he loved, and a girl so damn  _special_  that she would make him want to do just that! But, the story didn't end there."

The crowd is riveted. Gale and Johanna are holding each other. Sae is crying as Iris beams with pride and happiness. Katniss looks up at me and takes my hand. It's there in her eyes that I see all the possibilities of things that could've kept us apart. In her eyes, I see my future. He continues.

"Even I couldn't have predicted the ending to this one.  _Her_  love for  _him_  was so great even in the beginning, even before she knew she loved him that she resolved to defy the Gamemakers and save his life even when she could've been the sole winner. By saving each other and putting each other first, they saved us all. Katniss. Peeta."

He turns to us, the words in his throat growing thicker.

"I've never said this before and you'll never hear it pass my lips again.  _I love you guys with all my heart._  You are the children I'll never have; that I was afraid to have. I'd watch this country crumble all over again if it meant seeing you two together."

He raises his glass in a toast and waits for everyone to do the same.

"Katniss and Peeta. Peeta and Katniss. You can't have one without the other…and who'd want to? I wish you joy. I wish you happiness. I wish you'd close your bedroom window before bedtime. Congratulations!

We leave the hall in a flurry of laughs, hugs, kisses and confetti to mount our horse and return to Victor's Village.

* * *

I lift her up to carry her over the threshold.

"Peeta, be careful of your leg!" she says.

"Shush, woman! I lift sacks of flour heavier than you! I want to carry my wife over the threshold."

The scene when we walk in makes us both gasp. We see a carafe of wine chilling on the hearth by the fireplace, along with a tray of meats, cheeses and breads. Soft music is playing from the stereo downstairs, creating a romantic ambience. Rose petals form a path from the front door, into the living room and up the staircase. On the tray with the food is a note:

_Not that you need more inspiration to rip each other's clothes off, but Annie and I decided to create a honeymoon suite right here where you're most comfortable. We love you guys. And don't forget to close those windows! Wink-wink!_

_Love,_

_Annie and Johanna_

We follow the petals upstairs to find a bearskin rug in front of the bedroom fireplace. Candles line every safe surface in the room. A tray with fruit and more wine sits in front of this fireplace also. There are rose petals everywhere: on the rug, the bed, leading into the bathroom. I've never seen anything like it! I'm not sure how they pulled this off, but I plan to enjoy every bit of it.

* * *

I look up from the glass of wine I'm pouring for her. I'm wearing the black silk drawstring pants she, my wife, laid out for me. She has the light of the bathroom behind her and that of the fireplace illuminating her front. Her hair has been taken out of its wedding do and is cascading around her shoulders in soft, dark curls. Her tan skin is offset by black lace, body-hugging lingerie. The thicker lace forms a heart-shaped neckline that arcs around the tops of her breasts and comes to a point at her waist. The back, sides and skirt are sheer, black lace. She looks like an angel!

I look at her and think of all the times I nearly lost her and I almost cry.  _What have I done to deserve this? I must remember to say a prayer of thanks...to God for Katniss...and to Cinna for that lingerie_! She smiles at me when she notices I've been staring with my mouth open.

She walks slowly towards me, and I'm enjoying the view as she approaches. My chest resonates with the beating of my heart. She pauses and takes my face into her hands and looks at me as if all of her love, hopes and dreams are behind my eyes and whispers "Follow me."

When she turns around to walk towards the fireplace, I nearly drops the wine I'm holding as I notice the black, lacey thong underneath the sheer back of the nightgown.  _My man, Cinna! You thought of everything_. We kneel before the fireplace.

"I love you, Mrs. Mellark."

"I love you, Mr. Mellark."

We only get through one sip of wine; I can't wait any longer. I take her glass and set it down on the tray as my lips find hers immediately. We're kneeling in front of each other, her hands tangled deep into my hair. She's tugging on it and it feels so good! I slide my hands from her waist down to her backside to feel the lace in my hands. Wow! I slowly lean into her, deepening the kiss and forcing her back onto the rug. She slides her legs forward so that they are on opposite sides of my hips and reclines until I'm hovering over her. Our kisses are frantic but laced with a deep love and longing for each other.

I leave her lips and plant kisses around her face, down the side of her neck and onto her shoulders, stopping only to gaze into her eyes.

"I've missed you."

I stroke the hair that has draped over her breast. I've always loved her hair. She pulls me down on top of her for another kiss and uses her thumbs to slide my pajamas past my hips. I caress her shoulders as I slide the nightgown off of them. I mutter something that's meant to sound like "Beautiful!" but it comes out garbled from the emotion collecting at the back of my throat.

I lean down to take a needy nipple into my mouth. Her quick intake of breath is the sexiest thing I think I've ever heard. I cover her entire body with my tongue until she grips the back of my head and screams out. We love each other all night long, with all the intensity we can manage as we attempt to erase every lonely night, every doubt and squandered opportunity. She clings to me. I hold on to her. As we always have. As we always will. I've always been hers. She's finally mine. Nothing can stop us.

FIN. 


End file.
